I'm depressed... okay, so now what??

[Collinsky]

Alright, after 6-10 months of being increasingly *not right* I've come to grips with the fact that I am depressed... which wasn't easy -- I've always been an upbeat, cheerful, capable, confident person so to find myself feeling like a totally different kind of person is really hard. I think it started, really mildly, while I was pregnant, it could have been just regular pg hormones at that point though. After the baby was born I had about 2 days of awesome joy at the perfect birth (a UC), sweet baby, perfect everything... but it went downhill from there and I spent the next couple months completely useless and I just felt like I was drowning all the time. I dont' have that same overwhelming feeling, but I am never out of that hole - I go between anxiety that borders on panic, anger and despair... sometimes I feel okay, and competent and worthy and safe, and like it's all going to be alright --- and then an hour later it all comes crashing down around me and I'm either swearing and yelling that I can't take anymore, or sitting on the couch in a funk of "Why bother???" I HATE feeling this way, I am not myself and it's affecting everyone around me (and honestly, even the best husband is entitled to a little frustration with a bottomless pit of codependent need that is very likely to lash out at him for letting her down...)

Okay...so I know I'm depressed. What now? I dont' think we can afford counseling, although I think it would help. Everyone says go to your family dr... do I just walk in and say, "Hi, I'm depressed!" What is she supposed to do about it? I dont' want to take any prescription meds at this point - I think it would just mask underlying issues that I need to deal with and would be a poor substitute for counseling. Plus I'm breastfeeding and don't want to deal with meds and nursing....

I dont' know where to begin, all I know is I want to break free of this. I'm going to start going to a church this weekend and force myself to make getting out of the house a priority... I guess this is a pretty generalized cry for help/advice/support...

[sahmof2girls]

I am going through ppd now too. I am very anxious about everything. Constintly thinking somthing is wrong with me. But I do think you should call your doctor....and yes say I am depressed. It is a verys serious illness, I am just realizing this myself. There are meds out there that are safe for bf. I think they woukd help you alot. I don't know where I would be w/o mine. Probably at the bottom of a gully. anywho.
It is really hard on my dh too. He says he understands,,,but I know he is frusterated at me all the time. Good luck to you and keep us updated.

Megan

[paisley]

Oh Mama, I so could have written your post a few months ago. I was feeling exactly the same things you describe. PPD is such a crappy thing to go through. The ups and downs are the worst - just when I thought I might be coming out of it and doing ok, it seems like I would fall back down even harder.

As far as what to do, you have made the right start. Come here and talk to us, gather info and start making a decision about your best course of action. I felt the same way about counseling. The sessions I did go to were alright but there was no way we could afford for me to go every week. You might check to see if there is a student clinic in your area. There's one here where psychology students volunteer to get their clinical experience hours and the prices are very reasonable. And I have heard that they are quite good. Your family doctor will probably just prescribe meds. I am seeing a psychiatrist which is kind of a combo of the two, a little bit of listening and advice and also can prescribe meds.

The decision to take meds is a really hard one. Lots of Moms on this board have struggled with it, mostly because they don't want to expose their nurslings. If you do a search for 'natural remidies' you should find a couple of threads that talk about supplements. etc. for helping with PPD. If you are concerned about meds I would start with these gentler remidies, but just be cautious that you don't slip further. I think that for Mamas with milder cases of PPD, the things mentioned in the natural remidies threads may be enough to help pull them out of it. But for those with more severe cases (myself included), something else may be called for. That's why I say to be careful and keep an eye on yourself (or better yet have your partner watch over you).

Personally I ended up on Zoloft. It was a very, very hard decision to make since my son is still nursing and I am concerned about all the things you are probably concerned about with taking meds. For me it came to a point where either my son was going to have a Mama on antidepressants or he literally wasn't going to have a Mama at all. I am taking the lowest dose (25mg) and it has made all the difference in the world.

So I am sending you hugs and wishing you much success in finding your own best path. I the meantime, take care of yourself. Really. Get up and get dressed in the morning. Take the time to brush your hair and teeth, even put on make-up if that is your thing. Respect your amazing body by feeding it healthy whole foods and drink lots of water. Getting outside everyday for a walk everyday can do wonders, both from the excercise and the sunlight. Try to find some time that is just for you where you can read or knit or just stare at the wall in silence. Oh, and getting enough sleep is crucial. Sleep deprivation can really exacerbate the problem. Now I know that all these things are easier said than done - I am breaking at least 4 of these rules right now! But start with one and go from there. You never know what might be the first step to feeling better.

PPD is not your fault, and you are not alone in this. Even if the mean voice in your head says it's your fault, it isn't. Tell that voice to go bother someone else for once! Take care Mama and keep us posted.

[Collinsky]

What meds are you taking? I'd like to try herbal remedies first but don't know where to start. I guess I'm going to try to get some counseling. My husband would like to fill that role for me but how can he when he feels guilty for me being this way, like somehow he's ruined me - so then I have to worry about him feeling bad about himself because of my problems. Aaaargh! LOL

[paisley]

Hey Colleen, go to bed! You are up way too late! :LOL Well Ok, read my other post first but then try to get some sleep so you don't feel crappy in the morning.


ETA - Oh, one other thought since you mentioned herbal remidies. What about seeing a homeopath? Maybe there is someone local that has experience in treating depression in bf mothers.

[Collinsky]

Thanks for your kind words, mama2toddles -- and you're right about the sleep deprivation. The problems are 1 million times worse when I'm not getting enough sleep. I've been trying to shower, dress in something other than pjs, put make-up on -- I've been thinking "Why bother?" for a while now, but I have to acknowledge that seeing myself all schleppy and unkempt increases my feelings of worthlessness.
I honestly don't feel that my PPD is severe at this point, but I suppose I need to talk to someone who knows how to diagnose these things... I hope to avoid meds but if it turns out I need them to get over this then I'll use them.
Thanks for the replies, ladies!

[Collinsky]

Well, my 6 month old is wide awake. Her sleep schedule got messed up when her sister was sick - Sarah had a cold and I let her sleep during the day while she got over it, and now Mia's all switched around. I'm too tired to fix it LOL

[sahmof2girls]

Colleen....I have also heard from my sisters midwife, that traking omega 3 fatty acids helps with depression. try eating alot of salmon and other fish, also walnuts have alot of it..
megan

[Collinsky]

Just an update, I'm feeling much better the past couple of days -- like myself again!! Definitely a difference when I get enough sleep (or as close to "enough" as a mama's likely to get LOL) ... also had a great few talks with my husband and have felt really supported and secure with him. I'm going to keep an eye on my diet, cut out things that might be making it worse, up my Vit B and the Omega 3s, make sure that sleep is given HIGH PRIORITY, and really push myself to get out more. Thanks for replying to my despair, it really has helped me!!!