Not wanting to encourage manipulating skills in toddler

[sagira]

Ds used to eat just fine. His lunch and dinner were OK. However, now (at 17 mos) he has figured out that if he doesn't eat his meal (breakfast, lunch or dinner, usually the latter two), he'll get his nummies (breasts) anyway.

I wouldn't want to encourage his manipulation skills (he's a smart cookie and I love him more than words can say), ywim?

I would really like him to eat as normal for quite a few reasons, one of them being that he already nurses through the night and during his nap and in between. I really need a break, as I lose weight easily. Plus I know he likes to eat, but of course he likes nummies even better.

How do I encourage him to eat without refusing him his nummies and of course not weaning??

I'm baffled! (His ped, a cool guy, warned me this would happen and that I could "spoil" him this way - I brushed it off)

Any help out there?

Thanks!

[Victorian]

well this is my advice:

stop believing that you can spoil a baby by giving him what he needs, i.e. breastmilk. Why are you setting up a negative relationship? let him eat whenever he is hungry. let him nurse when he wants. he may be in a stage of development and need you more. set boundaries if need be, but don't make mama's love a reward. And I would find a new doctor.

[eminer]

I doubt this has anything to do with manipulation or spoiling.

There are lots of ways to encourage a toddler to eat more. You can offer the food as healthy snacks, easily munched on while up and about (sometimes in early toddlerhood, sitting at the table or in the highchair seems unfun). You can consider whether different foods might go over better. For example, is it too hard to eat -- replace with finger food? Or if currently offering very baby-specific food, would it be interesting to try eating what mom eats, with a fork? Too bland? Too complicated? Etc. If he has a favorite or two, give them to him over and over again.

You mention that it is usually lunch or dinner he skips. I have read that toddlers often eat more early in the day, and eat little at dinner. Remember that still at 17 months, his ability to get nutrition from food lags behind his nutritional needs. His body knows what it is doing, and may be encouraging him to nurse more instead of eating. If you suspect that this is the case, maybe you could refocus your energy on yourself: eat some high-fat/calorie/nutrient foods to help you make all this milk without losing weight, and have someone else entertain your ds for awhile every day while you take a little nummy-free time for yourself. Our society does not provide us with a lot of support for dealing with -- or even expecting! -- the times of intense nursing that happen during the second year, but they seem to be natural and normal and do not mean that you are doing something wrong.

[sagira]

Thanks, mamas!

I haven't set up a negative relationship, though. I feed him whenever he wants. I will keep doing that. I love nursing him, I would just like to cut back a little.. most bfing mamas I've heard of nurse only 2-4 times a day.. ds is all day

[BetsyPage]

I've read om this board that the middle of the first year can be a particularly intense period of nursing. It might just be that, a developmental thing.

[Victorian]

I keep hearing about people that nurse 2-4 times a day too, but I have never met one! My 19 month old nurses about 12 times a day - little nipnips not 45 minutes nursing anymore. Have you tried just saying "mama can't nurse yet, here is a carrot." I second the idea of finger food. My first was the most picky eater (still is) and every morning I would make her a muffin tray of snacky food that I would put on the bottom shelf of the ridge. Apples, bananas, cheese, hard-boiled eggs, ect. and she would just go and grab some when she wanted. At actually meal times she was not made to sit and eat. Now at five she does have fine table manners at restarants, but at home we still try to be casual and she eats a lot more this way.

I reread my first post and it sound a little harsh, for that I am sorry. I was tired and dealing with Mr. Fussy Bottom (Granny let him eat a valentine chocalate that was a 1/4 lb.!!! but that is another thread!)

Victorian

[quest4quiet]

My DS is also 17 mos and a sparse eater. I attribute it to teething, though. He's cut 6 teeth in the past month or so and that just has to suck. Like the pp, I have had more luck w/ letting him graze. He seems to like the concept of "finding food", so I put things out in random low places, and he'll pick at what he wants. He nurses almost all night and frequently during the day, though, so I'm not too concerned about his nutrition presently.

[sagira]

Thanks, Mamas!

I figured out that it is and was teething all along (he was feeling a bit under the weather because of that). Now I ask him if he'd like to eat and he actually says, "no"

I think a big part of the issue is that I hate wasting food. I prepare him these nice, healthy, meals (also takes quite a bit of time, I'm good, but very slow in the kitchen) and he doesn't even try it.

But I see now that is MY issue and not his. His business is just eating whenever he's hungry and eating solids whenever he's feeling OK.

Man, I tell myself I will not get sucked into that "manipulation" mentality and it still happens. And all the books that I have! LOL We humans are creatures of habit.

Victorian, nothing to apologize for, thanks again for bringing me back to reality

[Amaryllis]

I have always asked my daughter if she wanted to eat something, and let her decide. (Of course making sure my offers were varied and supported sound nutrition) I never second-guessed myself over this until my mother-in-law came for her first visit. She said I was spoiling her and she was manipulating me. She told me to just put her in her high chair and put the food in front of her and make her eat it! Well, I entertained the idea that maybe I was going about this all wrong for about 5 minutes. A hard 5 minutes! Then I realized that I have been communicating with her and treating her as an equal and that was the best way to do it! I couldn't do it any other way! And how do you "make" a baby/toddler eat something anyway??? Her idea was that she would get hungry enough and just eat what I gave her but that doesn't sound very nice, does it?
And I, too, have found that my DD has gone through phases of eating more solids and hardly eating at all. She's sort of been in the latter phase as of late because of a molar coming through. But I don't worry because she nurses! I have found that sitting with her on my lap at the table and letting her eat off my plate with my fork will sometimes entice her when she otherwise isn't wanting to eat... change things up!

[Baby Hopes]

Yeah for this thread! You have no idea how well timed this was to read.

I've been trying to offer my 14 month old DD a variety of snacks all day long (She doesn't do meals and most days only nurses.) My older sister, who admittedly is more mainstream than I, is appalled at how 'manipulated' I am. Apparently by providing a steady availability of nutrition through out the day vs. specific meal-times, I am setting myself up for failure and a life of catering to my child.

And even though the logical side of my brain says one thing, the emotional side is easily swayed by the need for approval from my sister. lol.

Thanks for the 're-grounding' ladies. Much needed.

[Mary]

I just wanted to chime in and reassure you that nursing instead of food is totally normal for that age. I have found that the period between 14-18 months to be some of the most intense nursing. It certainly was the case with both of my kids. I too hear of these babies that nurse 2-4 times per day at this age and can't even imagine my kids doing that (maybe 4 on a really busy day, but not normally)!

My Christopher is 18 months and I'm slowly seeing his nursing let up and he's choosing food more. He will also ask to nurse, but if something better comes up when he's asking, he'll forget he even asked. During that time of intense nursing, I have found that if I fight it it gets even more intense.

I certainly wouldn't categorize it as manipulation though. They are transitioning from baby to child and that transition is slow. It's two steps forward and one step back, sometimes it's even two steps back.

[eminer]

Originally Posted by sagira

Man, I tell myself I will not get sucked into that "manipulation" mentality and it still happens. And all the books that I have! LOL We humans are creatures of habit.

Oh Lord, if you think of any good strategies for avoiding this -- and that phenomenon where I open my mouth and my mother comes out, too -- please please please let me know!!!

[johub]

Originally Posted by eminer

Oh Lord, if you think of any good strategies for avoiding this -- and that phenomenon where I open my mouth and my mother comes out, too -- please please please let me know!!!

That's easy. Keep "Manipulation" out of your vocabulary when thinking of babies and toddlers. Every human being uses communication and other skills to get our wants and needs met. TO use the term "Manipulation" makes the wants and needs of the individual doing the "manipulating" insignificant and unimportant.
Another is to immediately dismiss any advice with the warning "never" or "always" because these are ALWAYS (lol) wrong.
"Your child will never learn to sleep on his own" Seriously, Never is a long time. This statement can only be false. Has anybody ever heard of an adult who went straight from their parents bed to their adult significant other's?
"Your child will NEVER learn to eat a variety of foods" "Your child will always nurse instead of eat solids"

SOmetimes my children want what they cannot have, and I have every right to say NO. But to term their expression of their wants or needs as being "Manipulation" belittles them and says they are not important.

Joline

[quest4quiet]

I'm glad you figured it out. IRT the food wasting thing...I also have a big issue w/ this. I have since learned that the portions I was giving him were waaay off. This site has a lot of good info on the toddler diet.

[Vanessa]

I am so glad to have stumbled across this post! My ds (16 months) does the same things. In an average day, he wakes up around 6 and nurses for 30mins or more. Then he plays for a little while and nurses again. About 8 or so, I give him a big breakfast. (Today, he had oranges, a waffle, cheerios, some cheese, and water.) The rest of the day, he just tries whatever I am eating or has access to snacks. He usually won't eat much at dinner.

One thing that he loves is that I got him divided trays for his food. He thinks they are really cool. Plus, he likes to have access to his silverware as a play thing all of the time, so I give him a couple of pieces to examine while we are in the kitchen.

[Fiercemama]

Originally Posted by sagira

Thanks, mamas!

most bfing mamas I've heard of nurse only 2-4 times a day.. ds is all day

My DD didn't even BEGIN to slow down until well past age 2, maybe somewhere around 2.5? I'm not kidding. She was still nursing 8-12 times a day into her second year - and I'm a WOHM! :LOL

Remember that your DC will eat when he needs it. Its your responsibility to offer healthy food with lots of variety, but you can't make your DC eat. Try not to take the refusal personally!

[girlndocs]

2-4 times a day :

I wish! (Well, sometimes, Kinda. You know, I'm sure.)

Glad you got it figured out!