Still grappling with when to tell.

[Bookworm]

Well, I still haven't told anyone but my few closest girlfriends, most of whom are long distance. That means I haven't even told my mom. We haven't told husband's family. He's ready to tell, especially at work, because all the non-handwashers at work who have the flu are giving him a hard time about being a germaphobe. It's driving him crazy. (Oh, he works for my dad, so that would pretty much "out" us.)

I'll be 8 weeks on Friday. I was hoping to make it to 12 weeks before telling, but now I'm not so sure. Though I can still button my pants with no problem, I can really see the difference in my abdomen! There's a definite "something" under my belly button that was not there before. Everything is going smoothly, except that food smells so bad I have to psyche myself up to eat a bowl of cereal, but I guess that is good in a way, too, since it means the hormones are there. Early on they did a quantitative HCG test and they said my rise in levels was excellent.

All that said - do you think it's safe to tell? I mean, would we have some indication if there was still danger of a miscarriage?

[moongirl]

Its hard to say. I had a miscarriage last year and was really glad to have the support of my family and friends and was glad I told. This time around I haven't told anyone who is out of town or not very close to me, but I did tell my boss and a few close friends. I hope everything is A-okay for you and you can start spreading the news around soon!

[IfMamaAintHappy]

i have always told immediately. I dont know if that would change if I miscarried. I cant imagine being able to keep it a secret for so long, and I also cant imagine that I would simply outwardly pretend my pregnancy never happened if it ended before 12 weeks and we never told anyone. As if it is something to be ashamed of or something.

Some people have said that they dont tell because they dont want to have to call and tell veryone if there is a miscarriage. I can already think of the people I would ask to tell and call and email people.

So my advice is I think its fine to tell now, or to wait. Whichever you prefer. But I just dont get this cultural "dont tell till youre past the first trimester" thing at all.

[Bookworm]

I guess I forgot to say that there are plenty of people we wouldn't want to know if we had a miscarriage, including some members of our families and especially our extended families. But if we tell our immediate families, it is as good as telling every single person we know. That's just the way it will be, realistically. If I have a miscarriage, I will want some privacy, not twenty family members calling to ask, "Do you think it's because you're a vegetarian?"

[leahdbc]

Originally Posted by Bookworm

not twenty family members calling to ask, "Do you think it's because you're a vegetarian?"

LOL - we have the same family!!

[firstlovesnbaby]

Well with ds I told after having ultrasound at 6 weeks to date the pregnancy. After we saw all was going well, heart beating etc we told everyone.

With this pregnancy I told my mom and dad at 5 weeks since it was their birthdays. I thought it was a nice present

I have researched miscarriage and risks at different ages and different pregnancy times. It seems alot of miscarriages occur earlier at 5 weeks or so. And age and if you have miscarried before are factors.

[allgirls]

that's interesting about miscarriage occurring at before 5 weeks, very early...I had a early early loss cycle immediately before this one...

and I am almost 39...

guess there are several factors against me..but so far so good...we won't tell until after I see the midwife on the 21 and maybe not until first ultrasound at 12 weeks...

Hubby may tell his parents and tell them to hush...but he may not...they will be here when Iam around 12 weeks, might be nice to tell them in person!

Last time we told right away...miscarriage wasn't even on my mind...funny how things change...once you have a loss

[murray&me]

Booworm~ I am going through the exact same thing as you right now. I think we have the same family too. We finally caved in and told my mom and step dad only since I have other issues (a cyst on my ovary) and wanted to be able to talk to my mom about it. We absolutely swore them to secrecy since NO ONE else knows. We are grappling back and forth on when to tell the rest of the immediate family since I am concerned about the cyst and possibility of miscarriage - eventhough the dr told me they are not related. Also, because of my situation, the dr had me do blood last week, this week and again I will go next week. He told me that when I see him on Mar. 2 (I will be 7 weeks) that if my blood is where it should be, the miscarriage rate goes from 20-15% down to about 5%. So, we are thinking that once we get the blood results on the 2nd and assuming the cyst is almost all dissolved, we are going to tell our other parents. We are going to tell them to keep it a secret. I am going to be SOOOO pissed if my mother-in-law, father-in-law,... tell people. We figure by week 10 or 12 we will start telling everyone else.

Good luck in making a decision.

[kerc]

I;m torn mostly because if I miscarry I don't personally want to call everyone. But I'd make dh do it and he's super psyched to tell everyone.

[lovnbnhome]

mum's the word!

DH and I love to keep our little secret for as long as we can! Not just for the miscarry possibility but because it gives us a little quiet time to ourselves. We won't tell anyone (not even parents) until 12 or 16 weeks. Right now I figure I'm between 4-5weeks so we look forward to another couple of months of "our" time. As soon as we say anything to anyone...the news spreads like wild fire in the family and so do the phone calls and questions and comments about how "large" our family is going to get . Then the advice from others... : ugh! No thanks! This secret is mine to hold for a little longer

[youngnhappymamma]

We always tell right away. It's hard not to since it is always on our minds...I want to be able to talk about it and plan about it and share about it and our future plans and everything. We tried last time to wait to tell people but I ended up going about 4 days adn then couldn't keep my mouth shut! If I ever did have a miscarriage I would want people to know to offer support and encouragement and because miscarriage isn't talked about very much and it would give people an opportunity to share their stories of loss, etc. Now, if I had a history of many, many miscarriages or soemthing, I might be more cautious, although I seriously doubt it. My life is pretty much an open book.