Losing the fight?

[LongLiveLife]

I've taken celexa for 6 months, and I see a therapist once a week. I've been trying to get my life in order and avoid situations that I know will send me into a tailspin... but I'm not doing any better. I've had good days, for sure, but only a few in the middle of all this depression, and now the good days are fewer and farther between. I have bad dreams every night. I'm having a lot of trouble eating, and so far I'm 10 pounds under my pre-preg weight (dd is 5½ months, nursing exclusively... she probably gets more Celexa than nourishment). I stay in bed for as long as possible so I don't have to face this. My house is an absolute wreck, and I just can't force myself to do anything about it. I have food going bad in the fridge because I don't have the energy to cook and I have no appetite.

I just feel like it's a losing battle. I'm sure that being more physically active would help, but it's a vicious cycle: I need to get moving to help the depression, but I'm too depressed to get moving. Anyway, it would only be a brief fix, and that's just not good enough. I'm just stuck in this dimmly lit place where nothing seems worth it. I only bother getting on and continuing because of my children, but I'm really only halfway here. This is suffocating.

is anybody else here struggling and feeling like they're not getting anywhere? Is there anybody who has btdt and found a way out?
Please share. I really need to know that this is sometimes just a part of life, and that life really does go on.

[Emilie]

Yes I have been there- right around the time ds was 4 months old as well. I could not function enough to get out of bed- and luckily ds just layed there along with me.
I found out that I had Graves disease which is a immne disorder that attacks your thyroid- and makes you very sick.
How are your thyroid levels? I ask everyone who is feeling bad- just to make sure that they have had them checked.
Good luck to you mama.
It has been a year and a half since I was diagnosed and it is still up and down for me- but getting better.
Emilie

[Emilie]

BTW- if you can possibly afford it- have someone come and clean the house. I did and it made me feel a ton better- at least to have dh off my back! I had dirty diapers piled up all over the place- talk about gross!

Emilie

[Ambrose]

I just wanted to know I feel ya. I don't know what advice I could offer. But I felt I should at least let you know you are not alone.

[milk4two]

Yes, I've been there. I clawed my way out of the hole by starting Zoloft, taking fish oil and changing my eating habits, going into therapy, hiring a housecleaner, and asking MIL to watch my kids 2 hrs a day twice a week. It made a huge difference within a few weeks.

[starlite]

I really feel for you - and I understand EXACTLY what you're going through. I understand these vicious cycles are working against you but getting out of this rutt is going to take a heap of effort on your part.

I like the way the previous poster described her healing process as "clawing her way out" because that's really what it takes. My father had this saying; 'If you find yourself in a hole; stop digging' and I guess that has some merit here.

Start off by eliminating anything in your lifestyle that YOU KNOW makes it worse. A good example is the way you talk to yourself. Try not to think things like "... she probably gets more Celexa than nourishment" and when you think this type of thought make a concious effort to rephrase it to yourself ie; "...I worry about taking meds while nursing but it's better this way than dd having a depressed mum" The reason I say this is because you would not dare say that to another nursing mum taking Celexa ... why should you say it to yourself? It's not helping you to mentally put yourself down all the time. I think it's fantastic you're a nursing mum on meds trying so hard to pull thru all this - what a wonderful mother IMO! (I've been on anti depressants all thru this pregnancy and I'm 20 weeks and fine.)

Secondly, don't thrust yourself into a strict exercise regime or plan 3 course meals to compensate for avoiding the kitchen - just see to it that you are getting the right amount of sleep and making an effort to have at least one balanced meal that you routinely prepare at the same time everyday. Get your eating and sleeping cycles sorted out and that will be half the battle won.

Thirdly, review the medication you are taking if after 6 weeks or so it has not helped lift the dark cloud hanging over your life. Maybe you will respond to something else. Cipramil did nothing for me, zoloft made me sleep all day but finally effexor-XR did the trick. It can take a while to get the most from your medications ... check back with your prescibing doctor about how you are doing and be honest.

As for the house work - depressed or not that can get on top of the best of us from time to time. You'll sort it out when you're ready. I usually have a mass cleaning day once a week and just do odds and ends around the place on my "bad' days. Would hire a cleaner if I could afford one but therapy and medication eats a fair portion of our budget!

Sounds like you are having a rough time at the moment. If I lived in the same country as you I would happily come over and do some cooking and cleaning while you got some 'you' time! Sounds like you're on the right track though. I'm here if you wanna PM me for extra support. You're not alone!

[tinybutterfly]

I agree with Starlite about the medications. Talk to your doctor and maybe a change of meds in order. Each person responds differently to medications. Find one that works for you.

I struggle with MCS (multpiple chemical sensitivies) and am somewhat restricted in what I can do. It is limiting. I have a bumpy marriage. I have a tricky relationship with my mom...and my dad and step-mom. I am in therapy...

My house is usually a wreck. I have trouble putting together healthy meals. We eat out way too much. I feel like I float through some days, if you know what I mean.

Not on antidepressants, but if I felt like I needed them, I would take them. Right now am still trying to work through issues in therapy ( I had stopped going for a bit and that was a mistake) and trying to take care of myself.

If you can afford it, I agree someone to help with the house would be great.

Sorry I'm not so coherant this morning. Lack of sleep. Just wanted to respond to your post and let you know, there is hope. It may take awhile, and some work and some nurturing...but there is" light at the end of the tunnel."

The food thing...get things that don't require much preparation for now. You can still eat relatively healthy without spending alot of time making food. Like peanut butter and honey or all-fruit on whole wheat bread. Already prepared yogurt. Cereal and milk. Bagged lettuce, spinach, pre-cut veggies for a salad.( And I mean buy them from the store pre-cut or have your dp cut them up for you.) Boiled eggs ( You can make a bunch and they will keep a few days in their shells in the fridge.) Cheese sandwiches. Tuna sandwiches. Pizza. Fruit. Cottage Cheese. String cheese sticks. Bread and butter and all-fruit.

Take a good vitamen supplement. As you begin to feel better, then tackle eating better. Do the best you can do for now...and do better when you are able.

[LongLiveLife]

Thank you all for your support. I don't have a lot to add right now. Although I'm having a good day, today, I don't want to get too hopeful that this thing is finally running its course. That would be lovely, though, wouldn't it? Anyway, i'm here, reading all the replies. I just wanted to stop in and let you all know how much it means to me.

[thismama]

Hi L3 -

I just came across this thread, and I'm super tired and can't compose a great response. But wanted you to know I'm sorry you are going thru this, and I'm sending you good vibes.

Hope you are enjoying the upswing!

[Margaret1022]

Got the T-Shirt!

Hi,

Yes, I've been where you are. Most of my depression stemmed from getting sicker and sicker because I trusted my doctors. What started as bronchitis turned into 5+ years of medical hell.

I have been abused by therapists in the past and knew that I would never trust any of them again, so I had to do it alone. Again, I am not suggesting this is the "way" for everybody, but I feel like I'm finally heading in the right direction. I started an Action Plan.

* I flushed ALL my medication. I was on some medications I only needed because other medications were causing new symptoms. It was a never-ending drugfest of a new prescription and it wasn't helping.

* I started sitting outside for a few minutes everyday. I didn't even have the energy to get dressed some days. I forced myself to sit on the back porch and get some sunshine and fresh air.

* Plug the hole. I liken it to a pitcher with a hole in the bottom. As our resources are depleted we simply don't have enough to keep refilling the pitcher. My hole represented all the negative, mean, manipulative and judgmental people in my life. Interestingly, not one person who I've been there for or helped in the past continued to call after I learned to say "no" and simply stopped answering the phone and door.

* Don't overdo the high energy days. We sometimes feel so guilty for not being able to do things on the bad days that we overdo it on the "not so bad" days. Resist the urge. Do as much as you can without overdoing it.

* Stock up. I love to cook and bake, but, like you, sometimes food would go bad because I didn't get around to cooking it. I started buying in bulk and using my higher energy days to cook more than one meal. It's the same amount of work to turn on the oven and dishwasher so I just make more at one time.

* Find activities you can do with your DC that aren't very energy zapping. I don't have DC yet, but I have younger siblings who I saw quite a bit. We'd all crawl in bed and play board games, color pictures, make jigsaw puzzles, listen to books on tape, have a picnic in the backyard, etc. Low energy, but good quality time.

I have BTDT and it's not easy. It's even harder when people think you are just making it up, looking for attention, are lazy or all the other insensitive things people say. I started my journey without any support from anyone other than my husband. It's hard, but it's possible.

I wish you the very best and HTH,
Margaret