need advice about 10 year old daughter

[baby_pooh_23350]

I have 4 daughters ages 10,8,7,and 22months.My 10 year old has been having a really bad attitude the last few weeks.She does not do what I tell her,she is always picking with her sisters,talks back,and countless other things.Every time she does somthing wrong I send her to her room,but that does not work either.I even threating her with sending her to her father's to live and when I tell her that all she does is cry.I do not know what to do at this point.If anyone out there has any advice please give it to me.I will take any advice right now.I am despret.I am getting really stressed out with her.

[2tadpoles]

It's hard to tell what could be the matter. I don't know where you live, but where I am the weather is crappy and my kids tend to get "cabin fever." They get grumpy and irritable with each other. If that were the case, being sent to their rooms would be somewhat of a reward, because it would be a sort of escape.

Is there anything new or especially stressful going on at school or at home? Pre-teens tend to get "attitude" anyway.... it's part of growing up. But if it's chronic and unbearable, I would look for stressers in your daughter's life.

Honestly, I don't think sending her to her room is going to help. I've played that card a few times as a cooling-off measure, but to use it routinely as a discouragement for poor attitude doesn't seem logical. If someone banished me from their presence, my attitude would not be likely to improve.

Maybe you could take your daughter out for some one-on-one time for an hour or two and just have a heart-to-heart talk about what's going on.

[Alkenny]

The attitude at this age seems to be a common thing (oh, my poor mother...I feel for her so much now!) There was a discussion a few weeks back, it got a little heated in spots, but if you read through the posts you'll at least know how common this is and that you aren't alone.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=234726

[LizD]

My daughter was stressing me out a lot- well she still does, it comes in waves. I started reading "Kids Are Worth It" and it has helped a lot already. Reminds me not to come down too hard on her and how to handle these things appropriately.

[Arduinna]

First off I'd say stop threatening to send her to her fathers. That is not gentle, we don't threaten our kids with sending them away to make them compley. Have you tried talking with her to find out what is going on? Has your family experienced any significant changes recently like moving, divorce, marriage, death in the family, is she having problem with school or her friends?

[journeymom]

Absolutely, do not threaten to send her away ever again.

That said, you have my complete sympathy. Dd just turned 10 y.o. a couple of weeks ago. She has mood swings. Waves of hormones are washing over her, no doubt. I try to bear that in mind when she says shockingly hurtful things to me or if I'm so mad I can't think of how to respond.

She is testing me some, trying to see just how much I love her and how much I will put up with. I know she loves me and still needs me sooo much for comfort and nurturing. Though it's difficult, I try not to take it entirely personally. Yes, it IS personal, but it's also chemical and developmental.

I am reading the perfect book right now. I can't recommend it enough:

How Can You Say That? What to Say to Your Daughter When One of You Just Said Something Awful

[journeymom]

She is testing me some, trying to see just how much I love her and how much I will put up with.

In case that's what it sounds like, I just wanted to add that she's not doing this to be spiteful or impish or mean. She's doing this because she's still a child and she wants, needs to know that I love her no matter what. Also, she's pulling away. It's going to happen.

[willowsmama]

I have to second ( or third) not threatening to send her away. It won't help her feel safe and secure.

my dd had the same attitude issues. Honestly, it was almost enough to make me start drink heavily. Not longer after the attitude got real bad she had her first period.

I remind her often that yelling, smartmouthing ect. are not allowed in our home. And if I start to yell my kids will call me on it. While i'm sure it's not going to be popular- I use a 'work the attitude out' approach. Get lippy - you've just earned an extra chore.

I try to refrain from using grounding/ room banishments. Honestly I've found it ends up being more punishment for me then her. Talking alot helps. Extra Mom and daughter time. Yeah, she's probably testing you but hold tight and let her know you'll always be there.

It's a big, scary world. You're her rock.

[baby_pooh_23350]

Thanks for all the advice.I am gonna try the one on one time and see if that helps any.I really hope it does because I am about to go crazy and I am getting really stressed out right now.Nothing new has really changed in our lives.Except for me starting to dating a guy that I have known for almost 7 years and all my daughters love him to death.So I know that is not the problem.I will just have to sit her down with out her sisters around and try to get out of her what is bothering her.I hope somthing works here really soon.

[BathrobeGoddess]

double post :

[BathrobeGoddess]

I have a 10 yr old dd too and she does the same thing. I am also a child mental health educator.

repeat after me:

IT ISN'T PERSONAL!!!!

Your dd isn't acting up because she wants to hurt you or stress you out she is doing it because she is trying to figure her world out and how she fits in it. You need to help guide her not stop her dead in her tracks In case you need some other help (besides the wonderful advice already offered to you) here is some easy things:

Ignore the behavior, be subtle and be prepared for testing. If isn't a big deal why make a case of it?

Praise...catch her being good, don't make praise a "good job except..." statement

Set limits...be postive (use "do" commands not "stop" commands), be realistic, give on command at a time, BE CLEAR!

Don't threaten...you want to build trust not break it!

Use "I" statements (I feel (emotion) when you ignore the rules), allow your dd do do the same.

Play with your dd...think of your dd as being a piggy bank. Everytime you praise, play, talk, hug, etc. you make a deposit. Everytime you nag, punish, yell, you make a withdrawl. Is your dd in the red or black?

I hope this helps...

[whateverdidiwants]

Just a thought, but is she starting to physically develop? Hormone and physical changes can really throw a kid for a loop.

[Satori]

Originally Posted by baby_pooh_23350

Thanks for all the advice.I am gonna try the one on one time and see if that helps any.I really hope it does because I am about to go crazy and I am getting really stressed out right now.Nothing new has really changed in our lives.Except for me starting to dating a guy that I have known for almost 7 years and all my daughters love him to death.So I know that is not the problem.I will just have to sit her down with out her sisters around and try to get out of her what is bothering her.I hope somthing works here really soon.

Just becasue you've known him 7 years and they love him doesn't mean its not the problem. She could easily be worried that it means less love/time/space in your life for her. I know my mother dated and we lived with my ex step dad for 3 years before they married and I still acted out and I was 10 (9?) when they married becasue I was worried he was moving in on my space (which he really did) with my mom.

[Ruthla]

Part of what's going on is hormonal- I think of the few years before their first period as semi-permenant PMS!!!!! There's not much you can do about it except to understand where it's coming from and try not take it personally.

Part of it is situational- she very well could be reacting to your new "boyfriend" even if she's known and loved him forever- its still a significant change in her life. Not that you should stop dating for her sake- but she may just need some extra re-assurance that you understand it's hard for her and its OK for her to not be happy about it all the time.

I'll repeat what the others have said- stop threatening to send her to her dad's. If that IS a realistic possibility, it still shouldn't be thrown around like it's a punishment- it should be discussed calmly and rationally about why it's the best thing for her. If moving in with Dad is NOT a realistic possibility, then you certainly shouldn't be making "empty threats."

The combination of the new romance and the threats to live with Dad could be combining to make her feel unwanted or displaced.

Is there some way you can schedual some one-on-one time with her? Take her out shopping or to a movie or whatever activities she enjoys, without her little sisters around.

[kathywiehl]

Posted in the wrong place!