almost five and separation anxiety

[isadore]

My son will be five in two weeks and he suddenly has separation anxiety. He went to preschool last year and did fine, but this year it's not going too well. Wed. he absolutely flipped out! He doesn't want to play with other kids, he just wants me. Should I be concerned? Has anyone else experienced this? He's also so angry.
Holly

[mamacrab]

our children are channeling each other!

Oh, Holly, you just posted on my thread and now I am going to post on yours.

What you described with your son is yet *another* thing that is going on with my dd. She went to pre-school last year with no problem, but this week she has been crying when I leave her. She goes by carpool, so all I can do is wave good-bye as she cries!!



I don't know if your son will find this too "babyish" but one of the babies I babysit for brings his mom's pillowcase along because it smells like mom and he can snuggle it. Well, my dd thought that was really neat, so when she started these separation anxieties, I offered her *my* pillowcase and she loved that idea. I take it off the pillow in the morning and she brings it.

I also talked to her teachers to let them know she was having this trouble (although it was quite obvious.) ANd I just tried to reassure her that she will get used to her new class. Its frustrating because she seems to have so much fun at school, so why these anxieties?

She had two days of big crying fits in the morning, and then 2 days just being a bit tearful. She doesn't go to school on Fri or Mon, so we'll see what next week is like.

My dd seems so angry lately, too. Is this normal 4/almost 5 behavior? Have other moms had this experience?

[lauraess]

Us too!

Hi mamas in the same boat as us! we began waldorf kindergarten early in the month and it has been really difficult. my ds is 4 and a half and never has been without me except at times (once a week at least ) with nana and papap. so what was I thinking to put him in 5 days from 8-12????? I did have some initial concern and then when the teacher said he'd be ready I believed her. And he is ready for the most part- when HEs there for 5 or ten minutes he has a great time I am told. The thing is that this separation from me and his normal life is just so hard for him.. he said every day from the time we got him up, before his eyes were open"I just dont want to go to school" all the way to school pretty much. we tried to encourage him, distract him, be firm in our response " your going to school" and even dunkin donuts one morning! Almost two weeks ago I decided to stop the struggle when he ran to the back of the van upon parking and I tried to get him out and he cried " I dont like school!" I just thought then that I was maybe pushing too hard and not listening to his plea and that maybe he wasnt ready. We didnt know what to do and thought at least we'd take a break, then he's been sick for a week now.
we met with the teacher and admissions director and I was then able to see that He IS ready and this separation is YES difficult but necesary. The reason I am convinced of this is that since we backed off and let him stay home his behavoir has been rude and he's pushing me more and more. I recognize this as his unsteady confused feelings that have come about because I gave him mixed signals about who holds the fort down. for lack of a better term; " power" gives the idea of control and that goes a bit against attatchment parenting- and also: this is really about setting a boy out into his own life and letting him now through sticking with the plan that this is right. Isnt that what we're supposed to do? let them know that it is right and they are all right??
what I have also come to the conclusion about is that my strong attatchment to him and my empathy is being challenged in the sense that I've always let it guide me to meet his needs and now his needs are outside of what i can do directly and only what i can do indirectly through helping him go to school. so, it FEELS like im pushing him out into the world and not listening to his cries to not go and ignoring them when really, if I look at the big picture, I can see that what he really needs is to work through this tough transition and be supported to do it because he does need to go to school. I AM listening to him and yet I also know that he can do this. I may be finding out in several weeks that he truly isnt ready and then I will know that I tried my best. It seems that so many kids-all at some point or another - go through the separation to one degree or another and so mine is too. It wont be a once and done deal either, I understand that those feelings of attatchment and wanting to be at home with mom are going to come up again and again and yet what we do is stick to the conviction that this is best. The important thing to remember is that I'm not hurting him by pushing him a little but I will be by giving him the sense that mom and dad are not strong in what they believe, mom and dad are not my anchors. Does this make sense???? I'm still trying to come to a conviction and it is so hard to know what is right. I've always listened with my heart and now it's time to shift the listening to more of my brain, i guess.
I hope we can all get through this very tough time together, mamacrab and Holly. I think the Anger will dissipate once they get a stronger sense of themselves out in the world and that mama and papa are behind them- if not with them.
Laura

[Kirsten]

I understand and had a similar situation. DD1 went to preschool two days a week (2 1/2 hours) when she was 3 (I worked one of each two days - it was a co-op) - no problem. Four days a week (2 1/2 hours) when she was 4 (classic drop off) - again no problem. Dance class, gym, etc. - no problem. Turned 5 and started full day kindergarten - PROBLEM! Missed me, cried when it was time to go in, didn't want to go unless I would go with her. It was hard. But I was sure this was the right school for us, trusted the adults and kids there with her. I played it very positive - understanding of her feelings but positive. She made it through the year - really by Xmas she was fine. Hang in there - it will resolve itself. Helps for us - very empathetic classmates, a huggy teacher's assistant who would love her up whenever needed, keeping a photo of me in her backpack - along with a small stuffed animal to hold if she really got sad, acknowledging her missing me but focusing on the good parts of the day and what she had to look forward to. Also any time you can find to volunteer there may be good. And try to find ways for your child to be the helper instead of the one needing help. If they are good at soccer and a kid at school is shy at recess, maybe teaching that child some soccer moves? Or asking the teacher to make your child her special helper sometimes? Feeling helpful and powerful and capable can be very helpful. Also I liked staying in touch with the teacher every week so she didn't think I was just dropping my sad kid on her - that I was very into finding ways to improve the situation.
Oh, and this year dd1 is in 1st grade (same school, same teacher - it is a K/1 class) and loving it! None of last year's problems at all!
Good luck!!!
Kirsten