MIdwife attachments post-birth

[cheryl]

Oh...I could get lost in this homebirth thread. My first four were homebirths. Number 5 was a transport, 6 was a hospital induction at 43 weeks.
Problem? My three year old became very attached to the midwife I had for my last birth. (Same midwife for my pregnancy with him also, though of course he doesn't remember...or does he?)
Anyway...he wants to see her, gets dressed and says "we're going to see Sharon now", and gets upset when I have to explain that it's her "job", and we just can't pop in on her.
It's a long drive, she's been doing this for 25+ years, so she's not attached to this at all...how do I explain this to him?

[SunnyMom]

At the time of my last homebirth, my oldest was 2 1/2. After the birth she couldn't understand why the mw wasn't going to come around anymore : We talked about the mw, what her "job" was, how she was around to help mommy when mommy had our baby, and most of all we looked at pictures from the birth.

Eventually dd got to a point where she was more enthralled with the baby and eventually quit asking about the mw so much. It is hard for them to understand Looking at pictures and talking are what really helped my dd.

Is it possible for you to call the mw and have her have a brief conversation with your son, perhaps provide some closure for him? Also, I told dd that when we got ready for another baby, the mw would come again. That seemed to help - as long as she would get to see her at some point in the future

I think it's great that your son was so involved and formed such a great bond with the mw. How many kids form such strong attachments to OBs?

[Lmommy]

Personally I don't feel that it's "great" that this bond was formed and broken. On one hand this is something common that kids suffer from in our culture -- temporary relationships -- my kids wonder why I don't want to ask the cashier at the grociery store to my house for dinner even though she is, "so nice" for instance, and I'm not always sure what to say.

On the other hand, one of the inherent problems with midwifery and obstetrics is how the professional gets in the "line of fire" so to speak, of a very powerful, natural and important force, meant to permanently bond family members to one another, not some attendant. So his loss (and your loss) is deep and real, and that is unfortunate. I'm not sure what you can say to your son about this, but I encourage you to try to acknowledge the depth and validity of his feelings.

I am not always sure what to say to my first daughter when she asks me about why I let her be handled by midwives, but I just try to be honest that I didn't know better then. Kids can be surprisingly understanding when we are open and honest with them. I wish your son healing and all of your family the best!
Laurie
Joyous Birth League International
http://www.JBLI.org

[SunnyMom]

It's a fact of life that we come in contact with people throughout our lifetimes that won't always stay forever. Helping our kids cope with it is part of our job as parents. I never once suggested she should not acknowledge his feelings. I believe our advice was actually quite similar.

Unassisted birth isn't for everyone, and many of us have beautiful relationships with midwives. Your condescending tone certainly doesn't make me want to browse your site and learn about unassisted childbirth from you.

[cottonwood]

I also don't see why it's such a great thing to form a bond that will soon be broken. There are pros and cons to everything -- and in my opinion this is one of the cons of paid professional clinical care in pregnancy. I'm curious, Sunnymom, how you would suggest one express that viewpoint without offending you?

In any case, Laurie brought up an important point. Inappropriate and strong bonding with birth attendants does happen, and it is a problem. Kids are so open to begin with that it's not suprising to me that some would bond just as strongly with the midwife as the mother often does. And yes, it's sad. It's always sad when children express enthusiasm for something or love for someone when it can't be returned, and of course as parents we would search for ways to help them heal from the disappointment and hurt. I'm just sorry that I don't have any suggestions, beyond (like Laurie said) just being honest and loving the heck out of him.

[SunnyMom]

I just try to be honest that I didn't know better then.

This is the part I found offensive. I felt that Laurie insinuated that those who choose to receive care by a midwife are making an uniformed decision. This simply is not the case.

I also do not subscribe to the notion that we should fail to form bonds with people simply because we will not have them in our lives indefinitely. I do not think it is unfortunate that a child bonds with someone as important as a midwife. My midwife will be a lifelong friend. Just because I don't see her everyday doesn't mean she hasn't played an important role in our lives. The fact that I chose to birth with a midwife certainly doesn't mean that I "don't know better" or made an uninformed decision.

[cottonwood]

Just to clarify, I was responding to something that you happened to edit out of your post sometime between my reading of it and my posting of my own. Thanks for clarifying what you found offensive, and I can see how you could read it that way. But we could also give her the benefit of the doubt that what she was doing was simply relating an experience from her own life that she thought was relevant because it was a case in which she came to the conclusion that "Kids can be surprisingly understanding when we are open and honest with them."

[cheryl]

"also, I told dd that when we got ready for another baby, the mw would come again. "

I don't think I'll be using the above explanation
But thanks very much for the insights. Looking at it in a different way I think I can approach the problem more effectively.

[Kirsten]

Interesting thread. The nurse midwife we had for our first birth (in hospital) was fine - did a great job compared to my friend's experiences with doctors - but I do not keep in contact with her at all. With dd2 we had a pair of certified (not nurse) midwives out of hospital at a freestanding birth center. I LOVE these women though we don't see them all that much. We always send a Xmas update letter and picture of the girls or our family. And every year we attend the birth center picnic so we see them then. They were so kind to our entire family - dd1 was 3 1/2-4 during that pregnancy and she adored them. We didn't experience much sadness from dd1 - I don't know that she expected to see them after the baby was born? We drop in at the birth center to say hi if we're in the neighborhood and a few months ago were in to drop off garage sale stuff for the birth center's garage sale.
I also don't think it is wrong for the kids to be attached to her while she is in your life. I like the quote a friend of mine uses as her sig line "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime - embrace all equally". There are people I have been very attached to that for one reason or another, I am not now. But that does not reduce the significance they had in my life at that point.
Kirsten

[miriam]

attachment to midwife

Dearest Friends:

Thank you for this thread.

I kept in touch w/ the midwife who delivered my four children. She was a busy person and as am I, but we had a cordial thread going.

She did tell me one time that women often fall in love w/ their obs!

I guess it is as good an incentive as any to go for your annual physical.

[Dodo]

I thought that this thread was going to be about mothers missing their midwives when the postpartum care period ends. I almost cried at my last appt. with the mw. I can imagine that it could be harder for a child to say goodbye.

[luvinlivin]

Re: attachment to midwife

Originally posted by miriam
\
She did tell me one time that women often fall in love w/ their obs!

I guess it is as good an incentive as any to go for your annual physical.

Yikes. This is off topic of this thread but wow. I suppose if one is going to allow a person to be between one's legs in the intimate regions, one should be in love with that person. That's what kids are taught anyway!

I do have concerns about women understanding informed consent after falling in love with a physician. Eros typically is not good for the reasoning faculties. It could be blinding, this love...


On topic: I think Laurie and sweetwater give such wisdom here in this thread. I want to thank both you mamas for that. I concur with the advice to be honest about what the situation really is about. You hired and paid a professional to help out. But again, it's so dicey when paid people are in the intimate, cosmic, life-altering family experiences...tough to know how to explain that to a child. I wish you wisdom in your approach. Take care.

[cottonwood]

Dodo, that's what I thought too when I saw the title of the thread. It's very common for women to become emotionally attached to their midwives or doctors, you're not alone!

[Lmommy]

My words:
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I just try to be honest that I didn't know better then.
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Originally posted by SunnyMom


This is the part I found offensive. I felt that Laurie insinuated that those who choose to receive care by a midwife are making an uniformed decision. This simply is not the case.
...

SunnyMom, my choice to give birth with midwives was an uninformed one. *I* didn't know better then. Not sure how I could have made that clearer. Warmly, Laurie

[MamaMae]

Thanks for this thread, it's raised some good questions for me, as we are just about to begin a new relationship with a midwife for our second birth. One of the biggest reasons I wanted a homebirth and a small practice midwife, is so that DS will feel like the mw has become a part of our lives in a way before the baby is born. I thought it would be very helpful with the transition if he knew the mw well. I still think that's the case. But this thread has reminded me that our family's relationship with the mw WILL change after the baby is born, and that that change could be difficult for DS. I guess I will keep that in mind as we progress, and continue to talk about it with him.

I had SUCH a hard time "leaving" my first midwife! I cried and cried at my last appointment with her...and continued to stay in touch with her until she moved away (at which point I was sad all over again!). You're right Dodo, that that must be so much harder for a child.

Good thoughts. Thanks!

[nakkinmama]

Hate to bump such an old thread, but I wanted to get some insight. Is it weird or unusual to keep trying to maintain a connection to my midwife? (Had a homebirth a few months ago) I find that I'm missing her, and always get so excited if I happen to bump into her. What's wrong with me?

[pamamidwife]

no, because to tell you the truth, i have a serious attachment to my clients, too.

does she have get-togethers? I'm considering doing monthly potlucks because I really don't like the once a year get together afterwards.

this was a great thread- I especially love what Laurie Morgan wrote.

[saratchka]

This is so interesting! I guess it explains why I'm always so psyched to hear from and/or run into my doula. I thought perhaps I was just socially maladept.

[Emilie]

I love my mw- and she loves me. I want to have another baby just so I can hang out with her!

Seriously- My mw will always be a part of my life. I call her when I have a question and she calls me back when its convienient to chat and help in anyway she can. We plan to get together sometime....

It HAS to be hard for mw's to be such a part and then BOOM gone- I do not see why we can't keep in touch with our mws?

[pcasylum]

I happen to think my mw hung the moon . I would be thrilled to hang out with her - I consider her a friend and an honorary member of the family. We're currently househunting, and I found that I've added another criteria - not too far from my midwife! I constantly stop myself from emailing so she doesn't think I'm a pest. And seriously, I'd have another baby just to be able to visit her again - absolutely!