What is going on with me?

[Chickadee]

So I'm going to use the facelessness of the internet to unload some of my woes. I have had mood problems for over half my life. I am part of the third generation of mental disorders in my family. And I think I am getting worse.

I have reoccurring images of injurying myself. My moods are capricious - I can be totally buzzed over something simple and then totally devestated over something equally minor. Sometimes I think that the sky is the limit for me - that I am just a gifted person. Sometimes I feel that I shouldn't be let out in public. I get so agitated and anxious that I can't handle any stimulation, it all feels like it is going to push me over the edge. This past fall I was closer to a suicidal verge than I have been since my depression started 18 years ago. But I don't stay in that pit, so I assume I am not depressed (because I can then suddenly be happy). I am left feeling that I am a failure because I cannot manage to control my thoughts/feelings/moods. I exhaust myself, and after years of therapy and incrimental gains followed by sliding all the way back I am beginning to wonder if this is all my life will ever be. I end up completely exhausted by decisions and I make everyone around me suffer as well.

I have started with a new therapist and have a an appt with a new psychiatrist but I don't want to meet her - I have this fear that she will see me as someone who is just weak and too lazy to cope. I find I have a really really hard time trying to tell anyone honestly how I am feeling - sort of this ridiculous balance between thinking they will think I am crazy or thinking they will think I complain too much.

Is this just because I am isolated? Am I just a bad mom? Is there some magic way to stop the bad cycle of thoughts, just stick something in the gears and give my brain a rest?

Thanks for listening.

[LilithParker]

Originally Posted by Chickadee

I have this fear that she will see me as someone who is just weak and too lazy to cope.

My family used to drill this concept into my head... for years I believed that treatment wouldn't help because I was just too lazy, and nothing would ever change that. Somewhere along the way, I read something to the effect of, "if your leg is broken, you're not too lazy to walk, you just need help healing the injury so you'll be able to walk on your own." Mental illness, especially with the drastic mood swings you talk about, can be just as crippling as physical illness, especially if you don't have support from people around you.

Don't worry about what the psychiatrist will think of you. You have a very real illness that changes how your brain works, and the psychiatrist will see that and help you.

[velcromom]

I think of seeing the psychiatrist/therapist not as sitting before a "judge" but more from the POV that they are working for YOU. Don't worry about what they think. You have hired them to help you, not give an opinion of you.

Your moods sound just like mine used to before I found the right meds and management tools to keep things stable. Up, down, brilliant, idiotic, I just couldn't cope with a damn thing yet some days I'd take on the world only to have it all crash down around me a week later...I say, go on in and push that therapist to help you with all of it. It's what you pay for them to do and it is their job. It is hard to tell them everything. Keep at it.

[lauraess]

I am feeling for you mama. Im pushing myself to speak to my therapist honestly without worrying so much about what he thinks. Im also trying to go ahead and do what i need to do, be it therapy or getting out of the house, or talking to certain people. My mind can not rule me if I dont let it. The job of the therapist is to listen, be a sounding board, perhaps a guide.
It will help. Just go. you know you need it. last week i went and said "i dont want to be here" just to get it off my chest and that got me talking. Of Course, there are other lulls that i dont like but I get thru them too. No-one said therapy would be easy, in fact, if it was it probobly wouldnt work. But the alternative is worse.
I totally relate to everything you said--- so, you know you're not alone.
~l

[Chickadee]

Thank you so much for all your kind support. I find that in my everyday world no one really wants to hear that I'm down again, or that I am anxious or fearful or any of my unfun moods. Even my very loving husband doesn't want to hear because he just wants me to be well.

I seem to have some obsessive thoughts that go along with all this and govern my actions a bit. I realized yesterday that one of the very deepest reasons I am afraid to tell the therapist or doc about how depressed I get (i.e. how drawn to hurting myself) is this really intense fear that they would tell me that I'm not a good mom and would somehow find a way to take away my kids. My lack of trust in others is intense.

Thank you again for listening. It feels good to be heard.

[foreverinbluejeans]

Your description sounds like bipolar disorder. This is a serious illness that requires medication. You can be dangerous to yourself or others. I suggest seeing the best psychiatrist in your area. Psychiatrists are medical doctors and can prescribe medications. Sometimes they do therapy, sometimes they refer to a therapist, sometimes they feel no therapy is needed.

[rowantree]

i second the bipolar diagnosis from what you said. go to your psych, they arent ther to judge, they're ther to help.

[foreverinbluejeans]

I agree with bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is a very serious condition that affects all areas of your life and can be life-threatening. You could also hurt others including your children and maybe not even remember it. It is very important for people with bipolar disorder to get on the right medication and be perfect about taking it. It is common for people with bipolar disorder to believe they don't need medicine when they are in the manic phase.

Sometimes it can take a long time to get an appointment with a psychiatrist and an in-patient stay may be the only way to get quick help. My 17 year old son has bipolar disorder and when we moved to another city it is taking over 3 months to get a new patient appointment. We had planned for that and have plenty of meds until me can get in. Since you have an appointment with a psychiatrist make sure you keep it, it could take a long time to get another.

Go to Google and search for info about bipolar disorder. You can find the diagnostic criteria used by psychiatrists online. The medications can be very expensive, my son is on 3 and just one of them is $400 a month. It can take awhile to get on the right medication, combination of medications, or dose. We were fortunate that we saw immediate improvement with my son. The bad news is that bipolar disorder runs in families. Having a family member with bipolar disorder, major depression, or alcoholism can be a warning sign.

OOPS, I just realized I already posted.