New Here! Vent! Advice?

[NewMom2004]

Hi I just found this board today and have read through quite a bit and also did the quiz. I scored a 54. Part of this post is really a vent because I really hit a low yesterday and it seems to have put me in a funk.

Little background:
I am 27 as is DH and we have been married for almost 3 years known each for 14 years. We have a beautiful DD that just turned 7 months. I had a short pregnancy, I had her at 34 1/2 weeks. I had 2 bleeds and on the last one they took her by c-section. I was in the hospital on bedrest for 2 months an hour away from home. I had complete previa and it wasn't going any where.

Geez looking back now I am surprise I wasn't severly depressed then but then again maybe I have been all along.

So I had her early and she was in the NICU for 2 weeks at which time she did come home and cried and did not sleep very much the first umm 4 months of her life. DH was of very little help, his excuse was I am her mother and it is my job and he works outside the home. He would always say you do it better. Well no doubt cause I HAVE to if he won't help. So after being told numerous times by others "He will get better as she gets older". Well now she is 7 months and finally sleeping through the night and napping pretty good and I still feel like that exhausted crazy woman running around trying to please everyone.

I no matter what keep smiling and keep things upbeat when my daughter is up and we are interacting but the second her eyes close mommy loses it and cries like a big baby. I think things might have been bad all along but the just kinda exploded yesterday when DH went a little to far and said something very hurtfull. I asked him to bath her before bed (this is a routine I try to keep now that I feel it helps her sleep) and he said oh I will in a half an hour well in a half an hour I would like her to be fed and winding down for bed. Sounds a little strict as I type it but if her needs are not met asap then she gets over tired and unbearable. So to save a fight I did it myself cause he wasn't moving anytime soon as I am leaving I told him he will regret what he is doing/not doing with her. I resented my father for years and that is another long story but do not want her to ever see her dad as anything other then great. So we get back and he says if I leave she will remain with him! OK WTF!!! Sorry but really come on!! He can't lift a finger now but wants to keep her from me I doubt that. Now I am not worried cause I don't see divorce or separation in our future but to even hear that to know he would do that makes me wonder who he is and I sorta feel like I don't really know him.

Sorry this has gotten long and if you made it this far I appreciate it.

So now I feel like I must not be doing a good enough job that he would trust me to keep her. And I thought I knew him better then that. I feel like a bad mother and wife! That on top of my intial feelings of exhaustion, anxiety and all in all very low self worth. I gained a good 40lbs and was very slim most of my life so there is the weight issue and most times I feel like who cares. We have only had sex once this year and maybe 4 times since I was like 16 weeks pg. Couldn't while I was pg and now I have no desire what so ever and plus I am too ashamed of my body.

I plan to talk to my doctor but wanted to post here and see if it sounds similar to others with diagnosed PPD? I really do wonder if I had it all along or did it sneak up on me.

Thanks for letting me vent and share!
~Lynn

[mommyofboy]

Lynn, sorry you are feeling like you are. I have felt like you do at times. You seem very overwhelmed. being a stay at home mom is so much harder than working outside the home ( I work par time and working is a breeze compared to caring for a baby 24/7). I have to prod my husband sometimes to do things with the baby as well. Men just don't seem to always want to take the iniative.

You do seem depressed and I think it's a great idea to talk to your doctor.

Also talk to others about how you feel. It helps. A lot of other moms have felt the same way, me included! Being a mom is so hard.

Sounds like you had a really rough start to mommyhood. My baby slept poorly as well and finally is sleeping thru the night as well, took 6 months, so can relate there. Sometimes I wonder if that triggered my depression. But actually looking back I think it was very low grade and gradually escalated. I've had probs with depression for years and I don't think the medication was helping (sometimes they poop out after so long). About to start a new medication tonight.

Take care of yourself. Try to get some "me" time if you can...

[MsMoMpls]

One of the hardest thing of parenting together is the enormous vulnerability- but this is especially hard for men. Just when he is begining to attach- and it isn't unusual that this is just happening- he is also afraid that you could take her from him. Or it is just a knee jerk way to say the most hurtful thing he can say to you.

Since your babe is doing pretty good- it may be the past stress that is really overwhelming you. There is real grief issues to work through from your pregnancy and birth and first months. The newest research is looking like almost 60% of moms have some PPD and the same percentage of couples of new babies report significant decrease in marital satisfaction- I think these are the same people.

HAng in there, keep checking in, keep venting, with us and with him. Good luck.

[EllasMama]

If you are such a "bad" mom, then why is your DH sitting on his butt letting you do all the work? Don't let his BS get you down - you are an amazing mother! He's very lucky to have his child cared for by you. To have a preemie baby after bedrest and still be doing almost all the work yourself months later...how on earth is that being a bad mother? You are doing a great job. I just wish you got more thanks for it.

You mentioned running around trying to please everyone...that's a very common thing for women to do, but it will deplete you and leave you feeling like you have no self left. You don't have to do it all, and you don't have to please everyone. How much time do you spend per week pleasing other people? How much time per week do you spend pleasing yourself? You can't continue to make withdrawals without also making deposits. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish, it's mandatory if you want to be able to stay healthy and happy.

I know it sounds strange, but you don't actually HAVE to hold it together and do nothing but smile when you're with your baby. I did the same thing, only to read later that babies and young children can sense when you're unhappy (which was true for my DD). So, if you pretend to feel one way when a child senses that you actually feel another way, it sends a conflicting message to them -- mommy is sad, but she is pretending to be happy. I don't want my DD to grow up thinking she has to masquerade as happy when deep down she's feeling horrible. So as she got older, I tried to be more open about my feelings. You definitely wouldn't be the first or last mom to find yourself on the floor bawling with your child in your lap.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Mothering is such excruciatingly demanding work!


Carol

[nannymom]

It sounds like you are a great Mom and it is wonderful that you are seeking help.good luck.

[tug]

i agree with MsMoMpls, it sounds like he just popped out the most hurtful thing that came into his head. the comment is just ridiculous. as you said, wtf.

it sounds like you are doing a great job. and you know what, you DO probably do it better than him - all of it, the bathing, feeding, caring, etc. -- and you should be proud of yourself.

still, i understand about the insecurity issues. i feel the same. right now i am 5 wks post partum, i am still 50 lbs overweight, still have the flabby belly, currently have pink eye (yup, pretty sexy), and am constantly unbathed and covered in baby vomit. i am also short-tempered and prone to self-pity and crying spells. it's really hard to think you're a fabulous person with all of this kind of stuff going on, but i think every mom deals with this.

just remind yourself - you made that beautiful baby.

also, one thing that weirdly cheers me up when i'm down is to realize that i was as special to my parents as my little ones are to me. i was THAT loved and they thought i was as beautiful as i think my little ones are. Wow. it just makes me think that i must be ok then.