Hello friends of the c-birth thread,
I posted in one of these threads a long time ago, when I was working through the c-section I got for my first baby (who's now 20 months old!). The story then was: failed homebirth, rushing down the mountain to the hospital due to unremitting late decels, 42 hours of labor total, complete stalling once at the hospital (go figure), extremely painful contractions the whole time (but I managed to wait 24 hours before getting an epidural), being told by the on-call OB 14 hours into my labor, "When you go into labor, blah blah blah," pitocin, phenergan, dilating to 8 or 9 before more late decels made them stop the pitocin - at which point my contractions stalled again - and finally fresh meconium in the line, which immediately precipitated the c-section.
My recovery was hard for the first two weeks (never had had surgery before, much less labor) then very good. I had numbness in my right thigh for nearly 8 months, but now it's gone completely; scar felt "weird" for about a year, but pretty much ditto. My milk came in at 5 days, from which time onward my baby nursed like a champ. I was happy in the hospital - great nursing care, great doctor (not the above-mentioned pud), my midwife, my doula, my sister and my partner with me throughout. I was groggy (and exhausted, and starving) the first day, but by the first morning pp I was enjoying my baby more than I had even expected. I got over the loss of my perfect homebirth very quickly; the only disappointment was that I couldn't lift or carry my baby for nearly 6 weeks.
Now I'm due in June and have been seeing my same mw for prenatal care. But as time goes on, the idea of trying it at home again feels less and less possible. In fact, it's like I've already given up on it in my mind. I know that I CANNOT labor (VBAC) in the hospital - I know what that's like, I tried that (though unwillingly). More importantly, I've seen what it's like there. I don't know how anyone can labor and deliver under those conditions. I feel like my only two options (different as they as) are: HBAC or repeat c-section.
I know that I will NOT be able to do another transport. That was almost the worst part of the whole experience. I know that I shut off my labor with my will, that I could never allow myself to relax and trust and labor naturally in a hospital setting. I don't really want to go to the hospital at all this time either, don't want to leave my baby boy at home, but I also know that there's no guarantee we won't have to transfer again. And I can't have that or something. So I would rather sign on for the c-section - the known, not the uncertain and unknown - again.
I feel so guilty and conflicted about these thoughts. I am ashamed to tell them to anyone, homebirth proponents and c-section advocates alike. The former will think me weak and a failure; the latter will have their knowing, I-told-you-so stance. I just don't know what to do, exactly. My partner would be thrilled about a c-section decision because he hates the idea of doing things, risky things, under uncontrolled conditions. The whole transport-down-the-mountain and the endless labor ordeal (and major emergency surgery) last time nearly finished him off. I don't know if he can take much more. He would rather put our fate in a doctor's hands (he doesn't like our mw that much to boot).
I hope this is the right place to post this. And sorry for the length.