Ds(10yo) just called me a BAD name

[terrarose]

I'm really upset. He was upset and rather than leaving the room, as he is usually good at, he yeled an abuse at me. I know where it is coming from, he just got back from his abusive father for a week and is also overtired and has had sugar which makes him agressive, but it is still absolutely UNACCEPTABLE.

This is not OK and I am really upset. We have had a big talk but I am still very upset. He is sorry, is coming up with a plan and I just heard from dd that he is planning a big surprise but I still very concerned.

What should I do?

Anybody else ever dealt with this?

This feels like when my ex-h used to beat me up and then bring roses.

I'm really upset and hoping someone will give me some ideas ecause I just feel like crying. I don't understand why he would have thought that appropriate in any situation. I have always gd. I know he has had a bad example with his dad but he has never done that before.

[Irishmommy]

I'm sorry.

[terrarose]

Thanks, Irish mommy.

OK, I'm not hapy about what happened but I'm no longer devasted either. This is a word he has heard (unfortuneately, and definately not from me) and maybe it was limit testing? I don't know. I made it clear that I did not feel respected, we did have a long talk and he is not happy with his behavior either so I'm hoping that it was just a one time thing and am willing to move on.

On the plus side, I feel I handled it OK. I stayed respectful. I went and had some time alone befor I tried to talk to him.

[Irishmommy]

Good for you. Sorry I had nothing more to say, but I couldn't think of anything constructive.

[Deniselx]

I think you dealt with this great. First, I dare to say that I think it is rather positive that your ds tried to express his feelings instead of just leaving the room, as you said he usually does. Trying to express feelings is better than keeping them bottled-up.

I don't know what he said to you, but it must have been pretty hurtful for you to feel this way. Perhaps he was just awkward in his attempt to express how he felt, grabbing whatever word came to mind (the one that was fresh and accessible in his memory at the time)! Of course you were concerned when your ds acted in a way that reminded you of your ex's behavior (his dad in the occurrence). However, remember that that your ds is NOT his dad. He is not an adult fully responsible for behaviors he actually intends. He is a 10 year old testing different ways of interacting... trying to figure out how the world works... and "oopsing" out once in a while. You intervened on the spot and demanded respect. He will have learned from that. Good for you for requesting respect of mothers and women!

Unless this episode becomes repetitive, trust that your ds is on the right track. If this becomes a habit, you might have to reconsider visits with dad (sorry! It's just my opinion). (I had an abusive ex who brought me flowers afterward also. He left me with a daughter, which makes things quite different I'm sure.)

D.