It's Been 6 Months...

[Cloth4Colin]

Not sure what I am looking for here...it's okay if no one wants to respond...this will probably be really long...I guess I just need to vent a little and perhaps gain a better perspective on things for myself more than anything else. I just ask that if some of you do read this, please don't think badly or differently of me...

It has been six months since the birth of my son and I am still so anxious and depressed...I'm almost scared to admit the things that I feel...I'm scared, guilty, angry at myself for feeling the way that I do. I know that I shouldn't feel this way - we've been given the greatest little miracle in the world...we were told I would never be able to carry a child and I did...with lots of help, but I did...so why am I so down? I have every reason to "be on top of the world," because God gave us a precious son...He ALLOWED us to be parents, yet I'm still so blah...it almost makes me feel like God must think I am awfully ungrateful...when I'm not, but He must think so.

I have had boutes of depression before, and I have always been a very anxious, nervous person. When I finally got pregnant, everything seemed so perfect - I felt the best I had...ever. Around two days after DS was born, I couldn't stop crying. I was already worried about going back to work, leaving DS, what would happen to him, etc. I think one time I even told my mother, when she asked why I was crying, that I was worrying about when DS got his driver's license!!!

Things got some better when we decided that it was worth any and every sacrafice we could make for me to be able to stay at home with DS. DH and I had always wanted for one of us to be his primary caretaker during the day, and we made every cut-back possible to make it happen.

After the initial relief of getting to stay at home wore off, I settled back into my old ways of thinking and functioning...just dragging through each day. I took the depression test right after I delivered and scored a 70...I took it again today and scored...84. : What is WRONG with me????

The areas in which I most struggle are:feeling hopeless, feeling irratable, feeling lonely, feeling out of control, feeling paniky, having scary thoughts, loss of libedo, having conflict and fights with people that are close to me...

We're not in the greatest financial situation, so I'm constantly worrying about $$...and the next bill. We've had a ton of unexpected medical bills for my son and they have wiped out the "cushion" we had built up...now it is paycheck to paycheck if we're lucky. I hate feeling like I'm not providing enough for us...even though we are tying to always make sure DS' needs are met first and foremost. (We're going to the WIC office on Tuesday to see if we can get some help.)

I know that finances put a strain on any relationship, but I feel like I am constantly at odds with DH. He is still a big kid sometimes and I feel like he can be lacking in the responsibility area. He rarely helps me with DS - he has changed MAYBE two diapers and makes me feel guilty when I ask him to watch DS while I take a shower...I feel like I have no support here...DH wanted a baby almost more than I did - and that is saying something...yet now, it almost feels like he just uses us as a trophy family to show off to his buddies...

DH's parents are maybe the number one reason for my unhappiness now...I cannot count the number of times MIL has told me that I am a bad mother and that I am not doing anything right. She hates that I BF, saying that I am starving my child...she probably wants to report us for doing delayed solids...she was giving SIL's DD table food at four months!!!!! (Behind SIL's back.) She forces juice, WHOLE COW milk, disposible diapers, etc. on DS to the point that I will never leave DS with her...so she calls everyday blessing me out for not letting her keep DS. When DS had colic, she told me that I couldn't take care of him, that she could do better. One day she snatched DS away from me saying that DS didn't need me - (DS was wailing for me...) and she says that "Sometimes babies just need to scream...it's healthy for them and clears out their lungs." DH and I love APing, yet we feel like we have to lie about/hide our true feelings and actions concerning parenting.

One day last month, I took DS and left DH...I told him that I was going to stay with my parents for a while. We had had a big argument (over his parents - he won't stand up to them, nor will he take up for me in front of them.) In a way it felt good to just get out of there, but at the same time it scared me...I ended up driving around for four hours before I came back home. DH and I always "make up" without ever resolving anything...and we always come back and fight about the same old stuff. Honestly, I could care less about sex...and DH finally admitted the other day to being frustrated with me over that...I think we have had sex a totally of two times since DS was born...I just don't have any interest whatsoever. There have been times when I have pictured myself leaving DH for good, but then I think of what it might be like to have to share custody of DS...especially since he would end up spending more time with DH's parents...*shudder* so I decide to stay...I really want to be a family...I want DS to have a mom and dad that live together...I don't want to rip his life apart.

I don't have feelings of hurting DS - PROMISE- he is my EVERYTHING!!!!, though I have such awful feelings that something bad is going to happen to him. Every time I walk up the three flights of stairs to our apartment, I think DS is going to fall out of my arms and land in the pavement below. I keep feeling like I am dropping him - my heart just races until we get inside...I am truly scared to death. I worry that he is going to stop breathing at night, so I am constantly lying there awake trying to hear his breaths. When we're in the car, I think someone is going to hit us and DS will be killed. When we're out getting groceries, I fell like someone might try to take DS or hurt us...talk about being paranoid. I have dreams about such things as well. Last night I dreamed that I had twins and one of them died and I couldn't tell anyone because I was afraid that I had accidentally dropped the baby and killed it.

Sitting here writing this, I am just bawling because I am actually admitting to these things. I'm scared to let this be "out there" because I try so hard to get people to like me...what if you all think I am totally nuts and need to be commited...or that I am a horrible person and bad mother. If doing this anon. was possible, I would have...I don't want to ruin my reputation here...whatever it may be.

I love my son and I would NEVER, EVER hurt him...I am disgusted at myself for the things that I think/feel...DS deserves better...and I want to do better but I don't know how. When I quit my job, I lost my health insurance...it is too expensive for me and DS to be on DH's, so we just have DS on there. Counciling probably isn't viable either...'cause goodness knows it isn't free...I guess I could talk to someone at church, but I don't know that I totally trust the pastors there...I worry about confidentiality. I feel stuck...in every sense of my life...$$-wise, marriage-wise, family/ILs-wise. DS is the only thing that brings happiness to my life, which is maybe why I am SO afraid of something happening to him...he's all I've got.

Well...that's my story...thanks to those of you that read this far! Don't worry about us...I know that in the end, we'll be okay, it's just right now I can't see that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Things will get better, I appreciate places like this that allow you to get things off your chest...

[atomicmama]

I wish I had more to offer.
I do think we all have had paranoid fears of something bad happening to our babies. That's normal. Suddenly you're responsible for another life. That is a huge undertaking!
Just remember to take care of yourself, and try not to beat yourself up.
I will keep you and your son in my thoughts.

[mommyofboy]

Sorry you feel so bad.

I think when we feel depressed we all feel guilty thinking we shoudl be so happy to have our beautiful babies and that by being depressed we aren't grateful for our babies. it's not true. You can't always control your mind and how you feel. You can to some degree, but not always totally. I konw if you wanted to feel great you would.

Plus it sounds like you have a lot of things going on at home that are causing stress to you like your husband. Having a baby really changes a marriage and can cause great stress to it. I read somewhere that during the year following a baby's birth is the biggest time for divorces.

Don't worry about the sex drive. I don't have a big sex drive myself. I'm also breastfeeding my son. I think that takes it away. Plus you are so tired and you are constantly working with an infant, you probably don't feel like being touched anymore. Maybe you can cuddle in bed together, that will have to suffice for now.

If you have had bouts of depression before you are at very high risk following the birth of a child.

It happened to me. I just went to see my doctor again yesterday. I have been taking Zoloft for about 6 years, it's just not totally working for me. I'm having periods of sadness, anxiety, feelings of being overwhelmed. She started me on a new drug called Cymbalta. I pray it works.

You might try calling your health dept to see if they can give you any mental health resources. I know it's hard without any insurance and lack of funds.

NO, we don't think you are nuts. I think all depressed people feel this way, but you know it's a stigma society has placed on us. Depression is no different than say having cardiac disease or high blood pressure. No one is ashamed of that.

Here's another forum that deals with depression, not PPD, but depression in general.

http://forums.about.com/ab-depressio...ges?redirCnt=1

Good luck.

[Oh the Irony]

sweetie, sweetie

i'm sorry you are going through this, i know how painful it is.
and financial stress really compounds all other issues.

speaking up and admitting the problem is a HUGE first step.

i am not a pill pusher. i always try to use natural remedies first. natural remedies frequently require costly experimentation that does not sound like an option for you. do add in fish oils if you can.

i do think there is a time and place for all meds though. i think you might be in one now. please go get some help. you need to feel better. i had to do this a few months after having my second child and i have seen dramatic benefits--no more bawling over the keyboard. well, not normally. :LOL

really, this is your body chemistry being out of wack. take care of yourself. try to speak gently and lovingly to yourself instead of beating yourself up. if a friend came to you with the same problem, what would you do?? probably give her a great big hug. give yourself one and another from me.

let us know how you are doing and if you are getting help.

[sahmof2girls]

megan

[gilnikche]

This is just my opinion, but you need a break! Could you really go to your parents house for a bit? Would they be supportive? You need a supportive, loving environment.

From what you have posted; you have been putting up with a huge amount of crap from your MIL. Personally, I would not let a person like that near me or my babe! Your husband needs to deal with his mom ASAP. Perhaps he truly does not realize how much she is affecting you.

My MIL started in on me when our first babe was two days old about what I was doing wrong. I pretty much locked myself in the bedroom (sobbing) and told him I would not come out until she left! I was stunned when he came back a bit later to tell me what he said to his mom. He basically told her that she needed to be supportive or leave! Of course; then I cried more!

I do not know how old you husband is or what his relationship is with his mom. But he is now married and a father. He needs to make some decisions. Perhaps you going for an extended stay with your family would give him time to think about that..

That said; it really sounds as if you may be suffering from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. I do too. It absolutely blew me away when I read the description and recognized myself!

Please do let us know how things are going.

[Cloth4Colin]

Thank you all so very much for your responses...they have each meant a great deal to me. I am trying to work through all of the things that I am feeling...I am vowing to stand up for myself in front of MIL even though DH won't. I am afraid of ruining my relationship with them, but I've decided to quit "walking on egg shells" and shrugging off their offending comments when they are around...I just can't keep on living like this. It's easier said than done, but I'm going to try. I wish in a way that we lived a few states, if not COUNTRIES away from them...seeing them every week or two is even too much for me, but if we did move, then that would pull me away from my own family...and I just can't do that right now.

I want to go to my parents and tell them everything, but I have hidden all of this from them because I don't want them to worry or to think badly of DH...yes, I am "protecting" him...and I dunno why...probably because I don't want my parents to say, "I told you so," or to feel like our marriage was a mistake. I know that they worry anyway, but I don't want to actually come out and say something that would solidify that worry. KWIM? It's like if I come out and tell them how unhappy I am, there is no going back and they will always look at DH & family differently...even if by some miracle things change for the better.

My husband is 31, I am 24...I'm very mature for my age and I suppose DH is very immature, which is why our age differences must just "meet in the middle" and allows us to mesh...at least in the beginning. Now I look at other men my DH'[s age and feel jealousy towards their maturity and success. DH is still caught in that "don't know what I want to do with my life" crisis. He has an okay job, but really could be doing better for himself. He seems to have no motivation to actually make the moves to do better...he gets very complacent with where he is at...maybe he sees himself as being comfortable at this place in his life and feels no need or hurry to change. If he were working at his potential, we certainly wouldn't be struggling so...and not to say that he is lazy...I don't think that he is either that, nor "sorry," just complacent...and it's killing me... I would love to be really selfish and say, "If you tried to find a better job, we would be doing better with $$," but I can't...who am I to say anything...I'm staying at home with our son. I love DH...at least I think so...I mean, I do, but I cannot say that doubts about us haven't crossed my mind. I never, ever imagined when we were dating that we would come to this...I never imagined the thought of separation crossing my mind...I mean, I thought I had found my soulmate.

Looking back, maybe we rushed into things...with our marriage and everything. We had a huge falling out when I was pregnant...right at the end of the pregnancy, over him spending too much money on silly, kiddy crap like Playstation games...and I remember crying and apologizing to my son, still in my tummy for bringing him into such a situation. At the time, I told DH I was ready to leave him and he told me that I could have DS and that he wouldn't fight me for him...that we could just go. Now, however, I know that DH would fight me for him...

I don't want to leave because deep down, I know that DH and or his family would fight me for DS. Sometimes the only reason that I stay is because I don't want MIL to get DS!

At the end of most days, I do love DH and I want him here...if I didn't have to deal with all of the anger and resentment towards the ILs, things would be SO SO much better...I think I really could be happy...but they ARE his parents, so what can I do???

I totally feel like my back is against the wall when it comes to them...I have no control over the situation because being the DIL, I feel like it isn't my place...I want DH to stand up to them...I think they may take it better or something if they hear it from him instead. DH has told me that he cannot change them, though...that they are just going to be the way they are...so, what to do, what to do?????

gilnikche - you mentioned OCD, and I totally agree with you...it wasn't too long ago that I realized this, and I know I have it BAD!!! I have no clue how to deal with this, however...but it totally consumes me!! I feel especially ODC-sih over the birth of my son. I HATE the way my delivery went and I dwell on it constantly...almost wishing I could have another baby to quickly right all of the anger and resentment I harbour over my treatment at the hospital...short of a c-section, not one of my wishes were granted during labor and delivery...I felt totally ignored and belittled by the nurses...they treated me like some 15 year old that had no clue about her body or labor/delivery. I had a ton of interventions because I wasn't allowed to get up from the bed. I was constantly monitored and told I couldn't move from lying flat on my back...I felt like I was forced into unnecessary monitoring, drugs, episiotomy, you name it...my birth plan must have been trashed the moment I crossed the L & D doors, because from that moment on, nothing went my way. I love these message boards, but as much as I do, sometimes it just makes me miss my "dream" labor even more. I feel defeated and ashamed of my labor and delivery...I feel like a coward and as if people here look down on me because of how my labor went...I really wanted an all-natural labor, but it was anything but...how do I "right" this situation short of having my dream birth next time? I feel like I am in such a need to come to terms with this, but I just can't seem to do so...it is slowly eatting away at me...as are so many of the things mentioned previously...anywho...Just curious, though...what in my post gave the OCD away for you?? How are you dealing with it?

Thanks again, girls for all of your sweet hugs and support...it really means a lot to me to know that I have people that care.

[MsMoMpls]

Momma, you sound so clearly depressed. Please don't think about making any serious life decisions when the world is this dark. This isn't all real. It is like the opposite of rose colored glasses... poop colored, maybe?

You need some help. You need to talk to your doctor. This is a medical condition that hides in your fears and self doubt. Talk about it.

Where do you live? You need some other mommies- we all do. We need mommies who believe what we are doing is right, what we are doing is worth it. Please, reach out. Let us help you. I would hate for your marriage to fail, your life to fall apart, you to stop nursing or just decide you aren't a good mommy because of this illness.

Please let us know where you live and I am sure someone here can help you find some help.

You and your family deserve so much more than this.

[Cloth4Colin]

MsMoMpls - I'm in NC...and would love to have someone to talk to!

I have my annual GYN app't the 10th of March, but I'm probably going to call and cancel since I no longer have insurance and we cannot afford to pay for the cost of the visit. (It is for my Pap.) I know that I NEED to see the doctor, but what can I do? I was given Lexapro samples right after DS was born, (when I still had ins.) but it ended up my insurance co. wouldn't cover the pills, so of course I could never get the prescription filled for them. The pills did seem to help me, but I have no idea what to do now that I am without insurance and with NO $$. I really, really want to go to the doctor, but I guess I am afraid they will fuss at me for not carrying insurance. (That, and I am embarrassed too.) I am afraid that they will question why I don't just go back to work and place DS in daycare. I know that by me working, we would do better financially, but I just don't think I could function at a job in the state of mind that I am in. I would obsessively worry of my son and how he was being treated...I would be terrified of something happening to him...I can barely leave him with my own mother for more than an hour without nearly having a panic attack. I am very committed to being a good mother, and an APing mother, and I don't think I could fully carry out my APing dream should DS end up in one of the crappy, poorly staffed daycare centers that we have around here...I am trying very hard to start my own business. I have sewn for many years, and have a great interest in that, so I'm working hard to find something I can make/sell to afford me to stay at home with DS. It's taking a risk, which I also hate, but at the same time I feel desperate to do anything to make things better for us...

Thank you, MsMoMpls for your encouraging post!!

[Jish]

You shouldn't feel guilty about not having insurance. A huge portion of the population is without insurance by no fault of their own. Sometimes it is simply to expensive. Even if one does have insurance, mental illness often isn't covered anyway.

Make some calls in your town and see if there are any community based mental health programs. Often times there are programs that work on a sliding fee scale according to what you can affort to pay. I have a friend who uses the community mental health clinic in my town. She gets her meds from them at a hugely reduced rate. I think she pays less than I do and I have prescription insurance.

If you can't find any services on your own, cold call a psychiatric office or therapist and explain your situation to them. Simply ask if there are any low cost services available in your area for people without insurance.

You clearly sound depressed. It's hard to deal with any of the other things in your life when the depression is in the picture. Once you feel better, you will be able to look at your situation with clearer eyes.

Good luck. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

[MsMoMpls]

Jish is right, there are lots of ways to get meds free or reduced. Mainly, they give lots of samples to the doctors and the doctors give them to people without insurance. Also the drug companies have plans to work with people who need meds. I would start with community mental health. Just start with phone calls. It can be very frustrating but phone calls are the first step.

Also please don't feel bad about insurance. This is a political problem, not a personal one. This epidemic is hurting our country. We have to solve the healthcare situation if we want kids to grow up in healthy families. This is bigger than you, believe me. And I don't think that healthcare professionals judge you for not having insurance, we feel terrible that it is so hard for people.

[EllasMama]

I remember when my DD was a baby, I had one honest friend who admitted that she had those thoughts about something bad happening to her baby. We were in a group of 4 moms, and one by one, we all admitted the same thing. It's not at all abnormal. As a mom, you're given absolute responsibility over a helpless living being. It's almost like a God complex, especially if you're breastfeeding. I think the truth that we cannot ultimately protect our children from every single thing is simply overwhelming, and that's where those thoughts come from. It doesn't mean you're a bad or evil person - most likely quite the contrary. If you didn't care a bean about your child, you probably wouldn't have those thoughts and worries.

I'm so sorry your in-laws are being mean and rude to you. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH CRAP FROM YOUR IN-LAWS. You married their SON, not them. Your baby belongs to YOU and your DH, not them. If your DH isn't mature enough to stop them from bullying his wife and child, then definitely stand up for yourself. Think about what will work for you. What topics do you wish to be off-limits? What kind of language do you expect them to use? You have the absolute right to expect other people to treat you as you deserve to be treated, and if they refuse, you have the right to no longer spend time with them until they're ready to speak to you in a civil way. Remember, it won't be long before your child will understand all the things they are saying. Do you want your son to think that's an appropriate way to speak to a loving mother? It truly is okay to set limits. I love my parents and they try to be supportive, but I got so sick of my mom telling me I should get my DD vaccinated and hinting that I didn't have her best interest at heart. I finally called her up and told her that topic would no longer be discussed. It was so hard to do, but it definitely was appropriate and I'm glad I did it. Best of luck. I'm so glad my in-laws live half a country away and aren't that actively interested in us!

Try not to feel embarrassed about suffering from depression, or guilty for not feeling more joyous over the fact that you have a healthy baby. Depression is a real disease. Nobody asks for it, or wants it, but some of us get it nonetheless. Actually, judging from the moms I know, a LOT of us have it. If you got pneumonia, people wouldn't look down on you for needing medication to get better. And they wouldn't expect you to wake up every day energized and thankful for everything. Caring for a child is long, hard, sleep-deprived, body-contorting work. And it sounds like you get very little help, which makes it doubly hard. No matter how much you love your child - and you clearly do love your son a ton - it doesn't mean that you are going to relish each monotonous day. When you see moms out and about who seem so put together and happy, believe me, most of them are putting on their best face of the day. Their houses aren't spotless, they get pissed off at their husbands, and their kids wear on their nerves. There's just this cultural myth that we moms are all supposed to be glowingly happy, and so we pretend to have it all together so people won't judge us as failures or frauds.

Oh honey, I wish I could just give you a hug so you'd know you are NOT ALONE. I hope you get a break soon and find some way to get some antidepressants, therapy, and/or marital counseling soon. It's so true that depression makes you see everything through poop-colored glasses. It won't always be quite so hard. Babies demand a lot more of you than 5 year olds do, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. Right now you may not be able to work in much of anything YOU want to do (like your sewing), but someday not too far off, you will. Hang in there.

Love,
Carol