Is lying a big sin in your book? - Page 2

[threeforme2005]

We don't punish her every time we see her. I never punish her because if I were to do so she would go and tell her mother and she would fight with my DH about it. My SD lives 75% of the time with her mother and her mother is a perpetual liar and a control freak and isolates her daughter to her room many a night. She never makes her daughter feel welcome and continually punishes her. When SD lies in front of my DH he gets really upset because he knows how her mother is and his habit is to take away her TV or something else. Do I agree with his methods? No. Can I do anything about it? Not really since she's not my daughter and I've only known her for just over 3 years...he's the one who has been for the first 5 years of her life...she is used to him. It's an ongoing struggle in our house to find a balance in our mixed family. My DD and my SD don't really get along because they were raised so differently and have different belief systems. My DD also can't stand it when SD lies to her so she shuts her out and doesn't like to spend a lot of time with her. Blending a step family is relatively new to me. Both DH and I grew up in traditional nuclear families so we aren't very good at finding the balance, but we sure do talk about it a lot. Keep sending the advice this way or any good book recommendations...I'll take it all. Thanks.

[pumpkin]

I lied to my parents all the time. And about really big things. To this day my Dad doesn’t know that each day of my senior year I split my day between two high schools. It was a big deal that the district allowed me to do the split. But my Dad was mentally ill and abusive. Anything out of the ordinary (in his mind) would set him off. My mom knew about the school thing and told me not to tell my dad. Neither of my parents had any idea if I was dating anyone. My mom would have had to tell my dad about that and the consequences for even going to a movie and holding hands would have been dire.

I wasn’t lying about anything bad. I was a great kid who did everything right. I was at the top of my class. Always did all my chores. Involved in all sorts of school activities. Had part-time jobs for spending money. But my home situation was dire. Lying was essential for my very survival. The less my parents, and especially my dad, knew about my life the lower the chances of me getting hurt.

I watched friends lie as well. Basically because they had no choice. My 16 year old friend who got pregnant never told her parents. They were hard-core Catholics and would have kicked her out of the house for having an abortion. I know she wasn’t exaggerating about the situation because our parents attended the same church. Mine would have done the same thing.

I don’t think people can expect honesty if they can’t deal rationally with the consequences of knowing the truth. Sometimes lying is necessary. I hope I never put my kids in the position of being forced to lie. I think I've learned how not to be that kind of person. But if I do, then I sure hope they will do what is necessary to take care of themselves.

[SagMom]

Originally Posted by pumpkin

I don’t think people can expect honesty if they can’t deal rationally with the consequences of knowing the truth. Sometimes lying is necessary. I hope I never put my kids in the position of being forced to lie.

I agree with this, and I think you hit the nail on the head as to why lying flips me out so much--I feel that I *can* deal rationally with the truth and that I have. My kids also have no threat of punishment, so I see no reason to lie. I lied a lot as a teen, because I knew my parents would disapprove of some of my actions. I don't feel like my kids have that hanging over them, so I'd loose it if the lied. Fortunately, it was just that once that it happened. I too, hope that I never put my kids in the position of being forced to lie--I would see it has my having failed them. (Yeah, I'm kind of neurotic on this.)

[NatureMama3]

Well, it depends.

Yes, I do consider lying to be a sin (and ethically wrong), but I also try VERY hard not to overreact to either lying or behaviors that might lead to lying so that my family knows it's safe to be honest with me.

I lied to my parents plenty because they weren't "safe" to be honest with.

Then again, I've been extremely hurt by lies my ex-h told and lived, so I have no illusions that they're harmless.

We use natural consequences to deal with lying and also work on the cause of the lying (ie open the lines of communication).