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court-mandated overnight for 23mo DD ... your thoughts? - Page 2

post #21 of 36
compromise and negotiating will be your strong points for some time. Do check with the legal advice board at LA Leche League ( lalecheleague.org) as they have many insightful bits of information that can help you along the way. You can make copies of their info and ask the Family Court to review them for presidents.
Try to get Dad to focus on what is in baby's best interest.Also give him an out whenever he needs it. Feel free to birng baby back if she has a difficult night or early if she is upset so their relationship is not hindered. he can make up for "lost" time later on if he wants. Keep a log of visits and how baby reacts each time so you have back-up if needed.
The reality of these visits may be just too much and if you can be mellow about them,DAd may soon tire of the process. If they become a tug of war issue then eveyone suffers. If some of the cruelty is the result of alcohol comsumption, you can request no drinking for 24 hours before any visit or during visit. Our Dad decided this was his out and has never had a scheduled visit...
post #22 of 36
Thread Starter 
Hi all. The weekend is coming up quickly. I think stbxh is preparing her but how I have no idea. Last night she woke up crying asking me to "please! please!" but the rest was incoherent. Then she awoke again within an hour, called out for her father and was confused. She said she wanted me to hug her and needed orange juice . I praised her for using her words (She got hugs and breastmilk; too late for OJ.) She was restless and asked me if I was ready for night-nights, though I was right next to her, nursing her. "All ready for night-nights" she said a couple of times. This is all new behavior and she had seen her father last night for a visit. Today at lunch she said, "Mamas always sleep with their babies." I asked her to tell me more and she said the same thing.

I keep trying to help her process all of this. I'll pump whatever I can over the next day or so to send with her.

He hasn't inquired about her habits or routines; I'll offer him any information he wants.
post #23 of 36
Geez. I'm sorry mama. I've been thinking of you and your dd.

My dd, who nurses a lot, including at night, has spent several overnights at her father's house. I have stopped them for now, but when they were happening I found she was tired and nursed a lot the next day, but was otherwise fine. I just nursed her a lot and she was back to normal pretty quickly

Can you ask your ex about coming over to nurse her, either before bed or in the morning, or shortening the time for this first visit (its supposed to be 36 hours right?) Is there a way at thie point to argue in court that it's too disruptive, or that going that long without nursing might cause you mastitis, or something like that?

If it happens, take care of yourself. I think you are preparing her great.
post #24 of 36
Thread Starter 
hi, thismama. I'm wondering how you stop the overnights ... my stbxh is spiteful and the overnights are more about his taking her away from me rather than his being with her. I would be open to a nursing visit during their time but he maintains I "control" her with BFing and that she is too old to nurse. He cares very little for her as a person. His interest in her is entirely self-centered. The whole court system, at least here, is messed up and has been a disappointing effort.
Thank you for thinking of us.
post #25 of 36

Just know you are in our thoughts, and I think you are doign a great job mama!

your dd is lucky to have such a loving and concerned mama, who is there for her.

please keep us up dated

post #26 of 36
Sorry mama. I had read that about your ex but forgot it. What a jerk.

In our case we have nothing formal in the courts yet, so I just said shes not staying over. He called me a c*nt but whatever, I left with babe.

I think you are doing the best you can to prepare her. In the long term, she will not remember this. She will know she has a mama who loves her and puts her interests first. And a self absorbed ar$ehole of a father. Kids have a way of picking these things up, and it will bite him in the butt. And I think kids only really need one solid parent to be okay, kwim?
post #27 of 36
Originally Posted by happy_mama35
The idea that toddlers adapt better to not nursing during overnights when they're not expecting to nurse is encouraging. My fingers are crossed!
I have travelled a bit on business and have found this to be true. I was always a little worried about what my DH would do with the baby when I was gone. I always asked him "how the night went" and he usually sort of laughed and shook his head. Oh- when it came time for bed, she just snuggled right up to me layed her head down and went to sleep. Or ocaisionally "We sat on the counch and wateched football and when I looked over, she was asleep."
My girl was nigh-weaned, but you may find that yours adapts better than you might think, especially if you are confident and upbeat. Which is pretty hard, given your sit - but you are doing and AMAZING job.

I addition to telling her it will be fun, you might also consider validating her feelings. Things like - yes, you will miss me for a little while and I will miss you too. But then we'll see each other again. It's sometimes sad and happy to go away from one person and see another. Things like that. Good luck to you.
post #28 of 36
Love and prayers to you and your little one.
post #29 of 36
You mentioned that when parenting, he spends a lot of time with his mother orgirlfriend, have you tried to talk to either of them? I know that is hard alot of times, I have 2 boys and their father is well...ya know. I have had luck going through his mother for some issues, as far as safety, health, etc. I don't know your relationship with either of them, but try and make as many allies or at least not ememies as possible. Good luck, the first few overnights are tough, and I can't say that they get much easier. Keep the faith, she will be ok.
post #30 of 36
post #31 of 36
Thread Starter 
I am nak and don't have a lot time, but I wanted to offer thanks to all who have had us in their thoughts and sent encouraging words for me to consider.

It was difficult sending DD off on Saturday morning, especially because she said she did not want to go.

The outcome from the weekend is that DD returned home pale, exhausted with swollen eyes (even bruised-looking) and a low-grade fever of 100 that broke by the time she awoke the next morning. She nursed and slept fitfully & on&off from the time she arrived home (5:40 pm Sunday) 'til about 8:15 Monday morning. I was happy she didn't have any night terrors. Just whining & fitful.

stbxh allowed her to talk to me Sunday morning (he never answered or returned my call Sat evening) but then hung up the phone without allowing any goodbye. DD was telling me she missed me and wanted to come home; the first time she said all this I reassured her with "soon" but the second time I told her to tell her father and then he hung up the phone. he is such a child.

I of course have no feedback from stbxh, but dd is dropping details -- she told me last night she was crying for me and her father told her she'd see me soon. I don't know how any parent can feel good about forcing his child into "quality" time with him.

dd also has shared details about who did the parenting -- her grandmother.

well, never of us broke from the experience. I just wish I could have helped her avoid it in the first place.

back to court this week to ""evaluate" the overnight. still aiming to put off overnights for now.
post #32 of 36


I hope this isn't too late for you...I am a single mom, my ex and I split when I was 5 months pregnant. I did not wait for court mandated visitation, sometimes you run the risk of an old male judge that arbitrarily gives 50/50 custody to replace what the man was robbed of. I waited until my son was 3 months old for overnights. It's hard to say, but they adjust. The same child that wakes three times to nurse slept through the night for dad (I have an older child to corroborate) He is extra clingy when he comes back and nurses more frequently, but he is 18 months now and it seems fine. I can't say the first nights were easy...We battle too, you have to let go though. He honestly believes that bfing past 6 months is a sexual thing. If we hadn't divorced because of his affair, I would have left him after he voiced that opinion. I don't think it's fair our nurslings have to leave us, but these kind of guys end up sabotaging themselves. My ex got a dui in the midst of our battle and lost any chance of custody. I still let him have visitation. I would rather explain to a child why dad isn't always there rather than why I never allowed him to be there. Please contact me if you want to talk about anything, and yes the single moms group is great, but fewer moms bf for extended periods. Hard to find compadres...
post #33 of 36
Hi mama -

Somehow I missed your update post. I'm sorry she had to go. Of course his mother did the parenting - no surprise. Have you taken any steps to get an evaluation done?
post #34 of 36
HI, I'd love to know too if you haev any new info on yoru situation?
I am so sorry you both have to go thru this righ tnow

you are in my htoughts and if you need to talk just PM me
post #35 of 36
Sending you hugs for this tough situation. I just wanted to chime in that she will probably do great with the nursing since she knows you are not there. My 32 month old still nurses to sleep for naps and bedtime and then several times during the night, but he has never had a hard time going down for a nap when we were seperated. We have spent a few nights apart for two hospital stays I had and he did great every night. It amazes me how well he can go to sleep not nursing when I am not around, but there is no way he would do it if I am. Good luck to you and your sweet baby girl.
post #36 of 36
Thread Starter 
Hi. My DD has been sharing tidbits of information with me all week (this past weekend she was with me). I keep hearing how she missed me and how she "cried" and "screamed" because she missed me. At one point last week she thought I was getting her coat on for her to go to her father's and she adamantly said "NO!" she didn't want to go and got clingy. Lots of reassurance and she was better.

We had to go through a bunch of court stuff last week; the stbx never showed up for our custody meeting. No penalty. I can't believe the courts; it is so discouraging.

Regarding the evaluation -- I have a really good psychologist who does lots of family matters (court evals, too) and has known my DD since birth. So, I think I've got it covered. We'd have to go to (another) trial to bring that up.

Our next court date regarding custody is in April. I'll keep you posted!
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