my neighbor's teenager smoking... what to do?

[Lisa Lubner]

as salaam alaykum

earlier today, i saw the teenage (maybe 15ish?) daughter of one of my neighbor's kids smoking... her mother is a nice lady, and we are friendly with each other (we stop and chat outside when we run into each other, but that's about it). i have had issues with this woman's daughter before... she has the LOUDEST mouth and her language is FOUL (i wouldn't care if she didn't do it right in front of my three little kids)... i never complained to the mother about that... but should i tell her i saw her kid smoking?

i usually wouldn't say *anything* to anyone about their kids... but with smoking, i think if it was my kid, i would want to know (since it is a health issue, and there is the potential of addiction). i just watched my sister go through hell to quit smoking, and she had started at around this girl's age.

i don't know... what should i do?

thanks mamas!

[Alkenny]

I think you should bring it up to the momma...say it just like you did to us just here. It doesn't sound threatening or like you're telling her what to do about it, just letting her know.

Originally Posted by LoveMyLittles

i usually wouldn't say *anything* to anyone about their kids... but with smoking, i think if it was my kid, i would want to know

[number572]

Being a nosey-neighbor in this case doesn't seem like a good idea. If the daughter is smoking, telling her mom is only going to anger the daughter & possibly make the mom feel like she has to have neighbors telling her about her kid's lives, therefore upsetting her as well... I'd leave it to the girl's parents. They'll smell the smoke, heck my mom ( a non-smoker) even lit up with me a few times when I was a teen, she was just trying to help me open up to her on my level at that age - it worked, I don't smoke anymore, but we do talk openly about most things. My teen smoking habit did little harm but I'd have been really disturbed if some neighbor had run to my mom to tattle on me... that's how it would feel from a teen's perspective.

Also, there's really no way of knowing what goes on BEHIND the walls of a neighbor's home. Maybe the kid is a rebel, but maybe the parents aren't too great either, yk?

I'd leave it up to the family. jmho

[Lisa Lubner]

Being a nosey-neighbor in this case doesn't seem like a good idea.

see, that's the thing... i am SO NOT a nosey person. i avoid conflict like the plague too. but i just happen to be home all day long with my kids, while this girl's parents are working. when i saw her today, i looked because i saw a few people standing by my car (which is currently not inspected, and we're being threatened with having it towed by the management at my complex)... thankfully, it wasn't about to get towed, but there she was.

asking everyone i know what to do... :

[moondiapers]

I certainly hope that my neighbors would tell me. Maybe you could just ask her if she'd want to know if you saw her daughter doing something that she probably wouldn't approve of. then go from there.


-Heather

[Simply Nurtured]

Normally, I am a HUGE "mind your own business" person.

HOWEVER, my FIL died this past fall after battling cancer and emphysema.

And my kids will never touch cigarettes after seeing that...

But if I was the mama in question, and my kid was smoking, I would want to know.

Maybe she won't appreciate knowing, I can't answer for someone else. But I would.

If you say it in that vein, that "I happened to see this, and normally I mind my own business, but if it was my child, I would want to know about this..."

Hopefully, she will accept it in the spirit in which you are offering...

Wanda

[Artisan]

Definitely say something. People who don't want you to know they're smoking are REALLY good at hiding it. I would want to know if it were my daughter.

ETA: the teenager is not going to be happy. My feeling is: OH WELL. She is not going to be happy when she gets lung cancer, either.

[Marsupialmom]

I smoked for 11 years, started at 12. Cancer and emphysema didn’t scare me into not smoking. My grandfather had emphysema. In part it was it wouldn’t happen to me attitude. Also not everyone gets lung cancer from smoking.

I do not my tell kids and say don’t smoke because it gives you cancer. My mil has smoked 60 plus years and is healthy as an OX. My kids see three great- grand-adults that have never smoked and did not age as gracefully as my mil. I do mention it increases the potential but it is not an immediate or absolute connection

My mom smoked, she knew when I started for two reasons 1. I smelled. Perfume doesn’t cover it that well. 2. I was stilling her cigarettes.

If either of the parents smoke butt out of it. I know many smoker parents that buy their children cigarettes.

[Mothra]

If the parents are non-smokers they will know that the daughter is smoking. I probably wouldn't say anything. I think it is highly likely that they already know. Was she smoking in the yard or did you run into her somewhere else. I would think that if she was smoking around the house in plain sight of a neighbor she isn't too concerned about her parents finding out.

[kathywiehl]

I'm not sure what I would do in your situation. I can say that if a neighbor saw my dd doing something harmful to herself and told me about it, I'd be very grateful.

[Noisette's_Maman]

What do folks think about the idea of approaching the teen first?

The general consensus is usually that teens do things like smoking to feel more grown up...so what about going to her to say you're concerned about her smoking because it's dangerous (and expensive) and a habit many people regret starting. That's what we might respectfully say to another adult we care about.

I wouldn't ignore the fact that she's not grown up...I guess I might ask if her parents know she smokes and tell her that you would want to know if one of your children was doing this so that you could help them to avoid it. I would say that I feel obligated to speak to her parents if she doesn't tell them soon.

And I would be prepared to have the kid hate me for being nosy...and possibly the parents too. But I would feel that at least you tried to acknowledge that she's not a little girl anymore but a young woman who can make choices for her own life, responsible or not.

[guerrillamama]

Originally Posted by Noisette's_Maman

What do folks think about the idea of approaching the teen first?

The general consensus is usually that teens do things like smoking to feel more grown up...so what about going to her to say you're concerned about her smoking because it's dangerous (and expensive) and a habit many people regret starting. That's what we might respectfully say to another adult we care about.

I wouldn't ignore the fact that she's not grown up...I guess I might ask if her parents know she smokes and tell her that you would want to know if one of your children was doing this so that you could help them to avoid it. I would say that I feel obligated to speak to her parents if she doesn't tell them soon.

And I would be prepared to have the kid hate me for being nosy...and possibly the parents too. But I would feel that at least you tried to acknowledge that she's not a little girl anymore but a young woman who can make choices for her own life, responsible or not.

I agree w/ this.

Just wanted to add that the parents don't necessarily know. When I was a teen I smoked *in the house* and my mom (who is 100% anti-smoking non-smoker) never knew. She did notice that I burned a lot of incense downstairs but it never occurred to her to put 2 and 2 together. Denial, like they say, is not just a river in Egypt.

[kathywiehl]

I agree that maybe talking to the teen might be a good idea, but I still stand by what I said earlier. If someone saw my dd doing something harmful to herself, I'd want to know. In fact, I'd be angry if a neighbor (or any other adult) knew and didn't tell me.

I smoked when I was a kid, started at age 12, and for me it wasn't about being grown up, it was more about being like the rest of the kids. If my parents had known (or maybe opened their eyes a bit) and stopped me from hanging out with the crowd I was with, I might not have done alot of other things that were alot worse than smoking. Denial is horrible, but you can't deny something when a neighbor says that they saw your child smoking with his/her own eyes. Somebody would have done me a huge favor by telling my parents what I was doing. Instead, my neighbors all looked the other way.

[Irishmommy]

I'd want to know, and I might tell, I'm not sure.

[Arduinna]

I wouldn't say anything.

[athansor]

Is it possible that she already knows? I think it is hard to hide that you are smoking from someone in your family. I tried smoking years ago, it lasted a week, and in that time, every item of clothing I owned reeked. My hair also smelled like cigarrettes, and in my week of smoking I only smoked 1 pack. I think it is pretty easy to smell smoke on other people, especially if they live under the same roof.
(my dh quit smoking ciggs before I got pregnant, but smokes 1 cigar a day outside...I think it's an improvement , but I can smell it on his jacket when he comes in, even if he smoked hours ago.

[Eaglevoice]

I smoked when I was 13 or 14 and I did everything I possibly could to hide it. I actually got away with it.

But when I took my mom's car out for a ride one day and my neighbor saw me driving, he told my parents. I got soooooooo busted. I hated that neighbor for a long time. But I also never took the car again...

I think I'd probably tell. If someone had told my parents that I was smoking, I never would have struggled with it for so many years. I smoked on and off for over 11 years. I watched my grandfather die of emphysema and lung cancer, I still continued to smoke for another 5 years after that.

Yes, I would tell. So she wouldn't have to struggle like so many of us do.

[HaveWool~Will Felt]

I have three teenage sons.
One of them does smoke. How do I know? He smells of cigs when he comes home and I have found butts in the laundry. I asked the other two boys and they confirmed his smoking. So, I confronted him about it. I simply asked if he had been smoking. I didn't make it a huge issue, even though inside I wanted to. He was honest with me and told me he has been smoking for about a year.... :

So, I share this because....even though I have shared with him passionatly my feeling around smoking and all the cons to smoking....he is 17. He is going to make his own choices. Regardless of what I "think". I have laid down the law about smoking and he has continued to smoke, but has been respectful to us, his parents and his brothers. He isn't allowed to bring them home, to smoke on our property or in the cars. he has lived up to these expections thus far.

All I can say is choose your battles carefully.
Maybe the next time you see the neighbor, say something along the lines of "Teens can be really hards sometimes, can they? How are things going with your daughter." Try approaching it in a more empathic way. kwim?
She may already know her daughter is smoking...ya just never know.

I hear ya though about not wanting to be a noisy neighbor...and about the exposure to your own little ones....

Anxious to hear how it turns out.

[number572]

Originally Posted by LoveMyLittles

see, that's the thing... i am SO NOT a nosey person. i avoid conflict like the plague too.

asking everyone i know what to do... :

If what I posted upset you LML, sorry, was only giving you a teen's perspective & the possibly innaccurately-assumed *good* (non-smoking) that could come of you approaching the parents, b'c I think it might have the exact opposite that you intend - that's how teens are, yk, annoyong & frustrating as it is.
If I were in your shoes, I'd let the girl view her struggles & long-term problems of smoking by confronting her directly (& on her level - cool, but informative conversation with her, not her mom) or by letting her parents handle the problem. The reason I wrote a responseat all was to bring up the facts that maybe the parents smoke, maybe they already know, maybe they don't see it as a big deal right now, maybe they're sucky parents & telling them would do more harm thatn good??... who knows... but smoking IS very hard to mask.
If her parents are in-tune, they'll notice the smell (everywhere)... & sadly, if they're not in-tune... telling on her to them may only drive a deeper wedge between her & her parents. Dunno, just giving a perspective. In the end, you know you'll do what you feel is right... best luck on whatever you decide to do

Did you approach anyone yet, I'm curious to know how it went & broaden my own perspectives...

[the_lissa]

I would not tell, and I would be annoyed if someone told me.