Abortion recovery - Page 4

[Turquesa]

I've been in tears reading through all of these posts. : My heart and support go out to all of you who are recovering emotionally from an abortion. It will be a glorious day when mental health professionals (and the rest of society) take women who are saddened by abortion seriously and validate (not politicize, simply validate) their grief.

Our culture is deeply wounded in that it lacks a socially validated means of closure. Buddhist women in Japan have the Jizo, a ceremony for offspring that have died. The ritual acknowledges all forms of perinatal loss, including induced abortion.
Check out: http://www.goatintheroad.org/html/ceremony.html.

You have all of my best wishes in your journey to recovery.

[cherrymary]

Wow, did this thread really start in 2005?? Anyway, I am so touched and amazed at what a caring, nuanced, non-polarized dialogue this turned out to be. you all. I want to start by sharing that I had an abortion at age 19, supported by my dear mother, and although I'm not sad about it, it is definitely an experience that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. ITA with the poster that said that there's a stigma around talking about it, whether you're sad about it or NOT sad about it it's hard to say ANYTHING without getting jumped on!!!

I'm confused by one POV that came up a couple of times - I just picked a couple of quotes, and I know that these posters aren't saying things are black and white, but I think the grey area they illuminate is really interesting/important:

Originally Posted by Anglyn

On the whole, I still believe it should be legal because I do not claim to know the circumstances of anyone else and so I dont feel I have the right to make that choice for them. On the other hand, having carried babies to term, I can totally see the prolife pov.

Originally Posted by Miatagirl

I never had an abortion, but really didn't care if other women chose to have one or not. When I gave birth to my dd in October, my views changed.

A lot of people seem to feel this way, so I DO want to understand it, or maybe clear up a misperception - does anybody think that pro-choice people don't have babies? I'm a birth doula and aspiring midwife, and I have the deepest respect for the miracle of pregnancy and birth. I also work in an abortion clinic, where I give women and girls a very different kind of emotional and physical support. I just don't see why those two things would be mutually exclusive. Most of my co-workers have kids, and we have pregnant staff (including OBs!) that continue to work until they go on maternity leave, and then yes, they come back to work (and we all ooh and aah over their little bundles). One patient decided to continue her pregnancy after meeting with a visibly pregnant counselor, and they had a lovely bonding moment over it. In fact, many of our patients decide to continue their pregnancies after coming in - teens and adults, in abusive and healthy relationships alike - and we support them all, obviously. We do everything we can to make sure people are sure about their decision, and if there's any doubt about that at any step along the way we WILL NOT provide them with an abortion, but we will give them referrals and resources. And lots of people are sad about it, but they're still sure - and that's ok. Others are not sad, and that's ok too.

So threads like this one are so important for me to read because they address the real grief that people feel after abortion. For some reason, I was able to go through the grieving process beforehand - and it was HARD - and then go on with my life, without regret. But of course, this process is unique and individual to every woman, and MANY women feel sad and traumatized by it for the rest of their lives, and especially around their future pregnancies. We need to support these women as best we can, without extrapolating to other people's experiences.

/soapbox !!!

I really apologize if this comes across as polemical in ANY way - I don't mean to single out one particular view point at all - I just want to speak up for the view that birth and choice don't have to be mutually exclusive.

ETA: ITA with Tammy that the modern Buddhist ritual around pregnancy loss/abortion in Japan is amazing. There are a couple of great books about it, one's called Liquid Life, I can't remember the other one. Need to add to my re-reading list!

[Leta]

Originally Posted by Kleine Hexe

Thanks for this thread. I think I will pass along the info.

[I]How about support for someone who was present during an abortion?[/I] I was and it was hard. Now I know why most places have the suport person wait outside. However, my sister really wanted me there. So the Dr said I could stay and I stayed. I was sitting there on my birthday and on my period and there was my baby sister, pregnant and getting an abortion. I just kept thinking how I should have been the one pg and she the one on her period. Sigh. It just sucks that it all happened.

One thing is certain. Abortion is *not* an easy choice. Women who make that choice should have the support they need.

Bolding mine. Oh, man, do I hear that. I have never been a position where I had to have an abortion, and for that I am truly and eternally greatful. But I have held the hands of many women while a doctor emptied her uterus, and I'll probably have to do it again. It's an incredibly difficult thing to do. I've volunteered at three Planned Parenthoods, and it's always hard, whether the woman is a stranger or a friend.

But, no matter how many times I want to say that I just can't do it again, that I've done my best but I just don't want to have to see it and feel their hands squeeze and hear them cry... I end up thinking, if I'm not there, they'll be all alone. And it is such a hard decsion that women do need all the support they can get.

[cherrymary]

sorry... double post

[cherrymary]

Originally Posted by Leta

Bolding mine. Oh, man, do I hear that. I have never been a position where I had to have an abortion, and for that I am truly and eternally greatful. But I have held the hands of many women while a doctor emptied her uterus, and I'll probably have to do it again. It's an incredibly difficult thing to do. I've volunteered at three Planned Parenthoods, and it's always hard, whether the woman is a stranger or a friend.

But, no matter how many times I want to say that I just can't do it again, that I've done my best but I just don't want to have to see it and feel their hands squeeze and hear them cry... I end up thinking, if I'm not there, they'll be all alone. And it is such a hard decsion that women do need all the support they can get.

:

I don't know what I would have done without my mother helping me through mine, I feel like I would have died from loneliness. I believe that pregnant women deserve doulas, no matter what the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy may be, and that's why I am so grateful to do the job I do... we're not here to pass judgement, just to hold the space.

peace mamas

[spruce]

I have to reply to the posts that seem to indicate that *all* women who have gone through abortions need to recover from the actual *abortion.*

In my case, my pain and recovery were because of the things in my life that led me to be unable to support myself and my children through another pregnancy...through the personal issues that led to my accidentally becoming pregnant in such a hard time of my life...

I never needed to recover from the abortion, although there was sadness. I loved being a mother, I loved my girls, I wanted more children...

But my recovery really involved finding the reasons I had put myself in such a position in the first place...and those issues seem to be glossed over by anyone who ever finds out I have had an abortion. Suddenly, the issues aren't about my loneliness, fear, sadness, insecurities...they're just about the procedure itself.

For me, anyway, my "recovery" has not been an abortion recovery. It's been a recovery of what I was missing...ME. My sense of me, of self worth, of so many things (and my stress and hard work and guilt over working as a single mother...) those were things I needed to fix. Not some media-mandated sense that having an abortion was, in itself, a situation needing "recovery."

love, penelope

[LavenderMae]

Originally Posted by Leta

But, no matter how many times I want to say that I just can't do it again, that I've done my best but I just don't want to have to see it and feel their hands squeeze and hear them cry... I end up thinking, if I'm not there, they'll be all alone. And it is such a hard decision that women do need all the support they can get.

Thank you! Cherrymary , thank you too.


Spruce, I agree with you.