AACK! I think I have PPD issues... big ones...

[candiland]

Holy cow. Where to start? I'm sure many of you have read some of my other posts here, but here's a brief recap:
hubby works six days a week with the only car we have.
I have a four month old and an almost 3-year old.
My MIL, the only one close by and the only one who can babysit once in a while, broke her right ankle and left foot.
My DH has back problems and his job is exacerbating it; he's practically immobile by the time he gets home.
We are in a hole, money-wise, and cannot afford any sort of healthcare until he gets insurance through his new job, which will take at least another two months.... so no chiro., no therapy, no nothing.
I have been going totally psycho. Not a day goes by where I don't scream at DD and leave DS in his crib screaming. I am so depressed that I am numb to their cries. Then I hate myself so horribly that I am plagued by immobilizing guilt, and I cry and cry and cry.
I tell myself that DD would be better off in a happy place, like a waldorf-style preschool or something, but with no money and no transportation, we are S.O.L. I dread every morning of my life, because I know as soon as DH walks out the door the chaos will begin.
BTW - I don't have thoughts of hurting myself or my kids. But on some days, I hate myself for having kids, hate my DH for "getting me pregnant", and almost despise my kids for being so unruly and undisciplined. Sometimes it takes every ounce of power within me to not freak out and spank DD. Once in a while, I'll smack the dogs, then I feel like the most despicable human on the face of the earth for not being able to control my rage and anger.
By the time DH gets home, I have so much hatred inside that I can't even look at him. He is so exhausted and physically drained that he can't even hold a conversation.
I feel like our lives are horrible. DH says, "We have it so much better than other people out there! We have a house, two great kids, blah, blah, blah...." and I know it's true, but my emotions will not accept logic or reason!!!!!
I honestly do not know what to do. By the time Sunday rolls around, I feel so hopeless and miserable I can't even really do anything. Any suggestions? Please help.

[Ravenmoon]

I don't know,it sounds like you are in a rather lonely and secluded position.I am in pretty much the same position.Dh works 70 hrs a week,i have three young kids and we are beyond poor and my PPD is hitting hard right now.DO you have a bus system that you could utilize,could you take dh to work some days so you could have a car?Could you set up a playgroup at your home for your kid?When the kids are driving you nuts take them outside and go for a walk.It is very calming.No matter what you need to take some time for yourself.Even 1/2 hr to go for a walk or take a bath.It can be suffocating but your horomones will adjust and as your kids grow things do get easier.Talk with someone and get your feelings out.This is a difficult time and you need to be healthy so you can be there for your kids.Seek help,it is out there.






n

[Mcaws]

I wish I could offer words of wisdom, but I can assure you that you are not alone. I have a military dh, 3 kids (one adhd 9 yr old son, a happy, easy 3.5 yr old son and a really easy 3 month old daughter. You would think that would make it easier when one does throw a tantrum, but it's harder cause I really have had no practice. The other day I'd had practically no sleep for days, dh took off on a scouts camping trip, ds got in trouble and could not go with him, I'd had all week alone with the kids now the weekend too and here I am trying to nap and being woken up by phone, crying, poopy diapers, nursing, phone, etc...I put dd in the sling, and walked around the house with tears streaming down my face for half an hour!!!

If you are religous, maybe prayer during those times can help. Last night everyone was asleep and I could not sleep. I tried relaxation and breathing and everything short of getting up and getting a book! Finally, I began reciting the rosary. I hardly got 10 hail Mary's and one Our Father in and was asleep!!!

Well, I'll say an extra one for you today, ok? Even if you don't believe, maybe it'll help anyway...

Sincerely, Mcaws

[CanOBeans]

Yes, definitely PPD exacerbated by a TON of stress; I have been where you are. Whatever you can do to ease your stress right now is crucial. Do you have a community helpline you can call just to have someone to talk to? Could you ask your midwife or physician to recommend a free counseling service? Do you have friends who would come to your house for visits -- a little adult conversation for you, and maybe a playmate for your DD? Does you MIL have a car that she's not using right now? Offer to run small errands for her and visit her frequently if she loans it to you. Get outside with the kids as much as you can, take walks. Let go of anything non-essential in your day. Ummm, I wish I had more ideas for you. Most of all know that it will get easier in time -- your DS is at that age when he can't really keep himself busy but he's a little old to spend the whole day in the sling sleeping away. Soon he'll be scooting around, your MIL will be back on your feet, and your insurance will kick in.

[mamaduck]

Don't beat yourself up thinking about how much better off you are than some people. That isn't doing yourself any justice. Some people have horrible ravaging terminal illnesses -- does that mean I can't admit to feeling bad when I have a stomach ache? No. It still hurts. You are just *you* and it is fine for you to think about what you need to improve your situation.

Now is a good time to take whatever short-cuts you normally consider "cheating." Let the TV be on a little extra for your kid. Don't expect yourself to keep the house immaculately clean. Prioritize meeting you kid's and your basic needs, and give yourself a break on everything else. I always call it "going into survival mode." I keep myself and the kids clean, dressed, safe and fed, and sometimes that is ALL you can reasonably expect of yourself. And that is fine when you need to be in "survival mode."

If there is *anyone* you can call to ask for help, do it. Call a church or a birth center near you. Call a library. Call anywhere you can think of to find out if there are free activities you can get involved in and a network for getting a ride to them. I have been in your situation and I know it sucks. Now, finally -- I have a car and it makes all the difference. And if *any* mother were in need and I was asked to give her a ride to a playgroup, or storytime, or a church meeting, or a LLL meeting -- I would be happy to do it for her. Even if I didn't know her.

Try posting here in Finding Your Tribe. Maybe someone here lives near you and could visit you or take you places once in awhile.

Can you drop your dh at work to take the car once in awhile? Can you take a bus to go anywhere? We live on a bus route that goes straight to the mall. I didn't know about it until we lived her for awhile, and when I finally started taking advantage of it, it felt like a lifesaver.

I had PPD after both babies -- a book that helped me develp a plan for dealing with it is called "This Isn't What I expected" by Karen Kleiman. Your library might have it.

[candiland]

Thank you, everyone. I really lost it yesterday when DH showed up at the house in the middle of the day and told me our only car was broken and it would cost us almost a grand to get it fixed. When he called his boss, he said that DH could tell a car dealership that he worked with him for over a year (it's been more like a month) so we could get a car, but he had to show up for work the next day or he'd be fired

So yesterday was a madhouse of running around, calling places, etc, and we ended up buying the first car we looked at:
I realized at nine last night I still hadn't fed DD dinner!!!! Then a woman I was supposed to doula for called me up and bitched me out because I gave her Suzanne Arms' book "Immaculate Deception" and they talked about "Goddesses" in one of the chapters! Oh, Lordy! The sky is going to fall, chicken little!
And she went on to say that it was a horrible book and now she wasn't sure "who to trust" (she's going to a hospital, using an ob/gyn-midwife combo.) I told her the point of it was to realize that her body could do it, because she wanted a natural birth, not to try to get her to hate hospitals and docs! But it's over; she doesn't want my services now. I bawled my eyes out because I felt so freakin' stupid!!!

[mamaduck]

Holy sh*t. You felt stupid? You are NOT the one who should be feeling stupid. That woman had no business treating you that way. If she didn't feel comfortable with you as doula because of that book, it was because she is narrow minded. And SHE could have handled herself more professionally. YOU did fine.

And what is up with a boss so ignorant that he can't allow a day or 2 off for a crisis like that?

[susan61]

Candiland, hang in there. When you are feeling isolated and low in the self esteem arena, submit a post. There always seems to be someone here for you. Good advice about going into survival mode. Some days are still like that for me and dd#2 is three. Live in the moment as much as you can, don't worry about the past or the future. All you have is now, that is all you can have any influence on. Peace

[mamacrab]

Candiland, I had tears in my eyes as I read your post- I think it all cut a little too close too home. I think I told you on another thread somewhere that I have a 4 year old and a 5 month old and no car, so I understand a little of what you're going through. Add the financial troubles and the PPD and no help from dh- you are truly attempting something beyond heroic in just keeping it all together.

I agree with what other have said, go into survival mode. Rent Mary Poppins from the library- its 2 hours long and a lovely family film- spread a quilt in front of the TV and just enjoy with your kids. Repeat as necessary.

Call your midwife and ask for a free PPD group- maybe she knows of one.

I know your broke, but maybe put a sign up at the library advertising for a tween-aged child to come give you a hand a couple hours each day after school- pay $2 or $3 an hour.

Take a shower when the kids are asleep and cry it all out- cry out your (completely normal and understandable)rage and frustration, then curl up with a cup of tea and some mindless reading.

Good luck, best wishes, it will get easier, I hope you can find some help!!!

[candiland]

Update.... after the last post I did, above this one, things came together a bit. Firstly, DH and I had a huge talk. He made me feel a lot better, and he pointed out that I tend to want to do things "other than" mother my kids. I.e., play on the computer, work on my doula business, write my novel, etc., and he made me realize that our kids are only babes for a VERY short time.... he said I could go to work and he could stay home if it would help out at all, but I declined. He told me to basically forget about everything but myself and my kids, (like some of you have been saying....) and that he would be willing to do dishes, laundry, clean, etc. after he gets home from work if I'm stressed out and it's still not done
Oh, we got a new car. So he's driving our piece of crap to work 'til it dies for good (we're not gonna sink any more $$$ into it) so I'll have a car for a little while! Going to the library felt like heaven!
Thanks so much for supporting me and empathizing with me. That within itself helped me sooo much you don't even know! Or, maybe you do....