Bad Dr. Sears? - Page 2

[MamaE]

Originally Posted by mistymama

I love Dr. Sears .. but like everyone else, I take what we can use from his advise and toss the rest.
....
Overall, I'd say he's wonderful b/c he brings AP to the mainstream and that is very hard to do.

Ditto - he's where I first learned about AP and then I ran with it from there. I find most of his stuff on discipline to be too vague, so I've looked elsewhere for that, but I have to applaud him for bringing AP to the masses.

[Ellie'sMom]

Originally Posted by dharmamama

I'm not a fan of Dr. Sears because I think that he minimizes the struggles that some new moms go through, and I feel like his basic message is "suck it up or you're going to ruin your attachment to your child." As a new mom with PPD, reading _The Baby Book_ did nothing for me except make me feel worse. I feel like he says, "If you do X, your baby will respond Y," and if things don't got that way, then something is wrong with your parenting skills.

Dr. Sears never had to face the challenges I faced as a breastfeeding mother; he never had the hormonal changes, and he never had the psychic connection to a baby that a mom has. Yet he speaks as though he has been there and done that and has all the answers, and in my opinion, he expects mothers to do way too much and overplays the danger to a child's emotional health if you aren't the perfect mother at all times to your newborn.

I actually like a lot of the stuff he has about older children, but if he has negative things to say about homosexuality, then I'd be happy to do without him.

Namaste!

Ditto. Ditto. Ditto! Great post!

[sagira]

I like Dr. Sears too, because his Baby Book has made me really take parenting seriously (the way I wanted to take it) and in my view, made me a better mother. I think many people here are forgetting that his wife Martha co-wrote many things and is mentioned a lot in all of his books.

I own The Baby Book, The Pregnancy Book, The Family Nutrition Book, The Discipline Book and The Successful Child. So I should know a bit more about him by now.

I think he's compassionate and sticks to universal values for the most part, those of respect, kindness and truth. To me that matters a great deal. I believe in God so I definitely think highly of him writing Christian books as well.

As in regard to the spanking, I think there are many people, esp. Christians, out there, who spank. To try to change someone's mind you've got to meet them halfway. All his reasons not to spank are very clear. However, if you're going to do it anyway, here's how you do it. And to me the "how to" was almost impossible to follow, which I think would make many people think twice, three times before they spank or hopefully come to the conclusion that it's fruitless and counterproductive to do so.

Cheers,

[indie]

I am a Christian although I'm more liberal than Sears. I think it is great that he has written a Christian book. We desparately need Christian AP writers to counteract people like Ezzo and Dobson.

I am bothered by him endorsing formula and I think he's getting a little too mainstream for my taste. But he also serves as a bridge for people who are gradually making their way from mainstream to AP.

[kaydee]

Originally Posted by dharmamama

I'm not a fan of Dr. Sears because I think that he minimizes the struggles that some new moms go through, and I feel like his basic message is "suck it up or you're going to ruin your attachment to your child." As a new mom with PPD, reading _The Baby Book_ did nothing for me except make me feel worse. I feel like he says, "If you do X, your baby will respond Y," and if things don't got that way, then something is wrong with your parenting skills.

Dr. Sears never had to face the challenges I faced as a breastfeeding mother; he never had the hormonal changes, and he never had the psychic connection to a baby that a mom has. Yet he speaks as though he has been there and done that and has all the answers, and in my opinion, he expects mothers to do way too much and overplays the danger to a child's emotional health if you aren't the perfect mother at all times to your newborn.

During my PPD, The Baby Book was banished from our house. Turns out I didn't really miss it (the gender assumptions and ease with which he seemed to diagnose "detachment" were a bigger turnoff than I thought).

I never read anything from him about homosexuality. I'd be interested in seeing some quotations, as well....

[Leetah987]

Originally Posted by Arwyn

I don't like that he has put out "Christian" books.

I disagree! I love that he puts out Christian based books. I think it's great that he offers a direct alternative to the Ezzo brainwashing that says you must follow my parenting approach or you aren't going to raise good christian children. I've only been able to get through a couple chapters of The Discipline Book ( I think that's the one I'm thinking of) that actually takes digs at some popular Ezzo advice. It made me laugh. (BTW, I'm not christian, just for the record)

Originally Posted by Arwyn

And I don't like that he officially endorses things, like the Arms Reach Cosleeper. It smacks of commercialism.

I can understand your distaste to the commercialism. But he's not trying to sell AP to those that already practice AP, or use the family bed. That's like preaching to the choir. He's trying to convince mainstream crib users that co-sleeping is better, and since mainstream parents tend to like to buy gadgets and contraptions, here's one that promotes co-sleeping. You know that the parents that buy them will probably end up with a family bed anyway, but the commercialism that mainstream parents have come to expect and need opens the door to the AP world for them.

Originally Posted by Arwyn

And, of course, he's a man, and a doctor, telling women and mothers how to parent.

As an inactive feminist, I totally understand this!!! But I think he's the perfect spokesperson to give AP a voice. He is a man, so other men (aka fathers) would respect his advice, and hopefully support the mothers intent to follow the AP method of parenting. He is a doctor, and to the majority of the sheep.... er... I mean, population, the doctor is all seeing, all knowing. So to have a doctor give advice on raising children is going to hold more water with a larger percent of the population than the most experienced mother in the world. Plus he has Martha, who is a nurse, lactation consultant and mother of many (didn't they have like 9 kids?) to add the wisdom of a woman to his writing.

Originally Posted by SarahNH

Here's dh, reading that 'if your newborn cries, pick him up'. 'hold your baby.' And all we could think was, well, duh! Of course we're going to hold him a lot! Maybe a lot of people really do need to be told that stuff,

I think people really do need to be told that kind of stuff, just to contradict all the stupid advice that other people give you. I swear, I was told 4 times the first week DS was born to not hold him too much or it would spoil him. I loved the bit of wisdom that "crying is good for the lungs", and then there is the time honored "he's only crying to manipulate you" approach. Luckily I wasn't fooled, but many young, inexperienced parents are. People need some father figure to tell them what to do, and if Dr Sears doesn't do it, they might turn to someone like Ezzo.

In summarizing my little novel I wrote here, I love Dr Sears, but I don't follow, nor do I endorse all of his philosophies. But I appreciate his efforts to build a better society by teaching people to be better parents.

[HelloKitty]

In agreement with the others that believe in a lot of his advice, he personally annoys me - I find he is often patronizing in tone and tends to minimize a woman's struggles at times.

Kitty

[candiland]

It seems that in many discussions I've been in on here in the past, men can "mother" just as well as women can. I'm confused to now be reading that men can't give appropriate parenting advice...

I like him a lot. Take what you need, leave what you don't. Unfortunately, some of the very best parenting info. out there is so far from mainstream that most people would never come across it or write it off if they did. I'm thankful that there is a natural birth, AP advocate that is well-regarded in mainstream America who can hopefully counteract some of the really scary parenting "advice" that's out there.

[nycapmom]

Originally Posted by candiland

It seems that in many discussions I've been in on here in the past, men can "mother" just as well as women can. I'm confused to now be reading that men can't give appropriate parenting advice....

I think plenty of dads can give great parenting advice (Leonard Cohen - author of Playful Parenting, for one) but they simply do not come equipped with the biologically driven instincts that women do.....when it comes to the infant stage, at least. Call me the anti-feminist if you wish, but there IS a difference and a big one, in my opinion (and in the opinion of my breasts :LOL )

[saritabeth]

Honestly, I posted earlier that I love him. I really do like their books a lot. As far as the baby book is concerned, it was truly wonderful to have the basics outlined. My background was not AP so to have someone affirm my instinct to pick up my crying baby....to sleep with my newborn, etc etc was really helpful to me.

There is no perfect book out there. Mama's and daddys need to dig down and find their own way with their unique child.

Besides when there is Crap like the pearls floating around out there, aren't most of you generally happy that there is a Christian that isn't advocating beating the devil out of your kids? For whatever you can object to, his core values are really good and I think packaged in a way that is attractive to people who may have never considered any ap values until their pregnancy or birth of their child.

[mamaduck]

It seems that in many discussions I've been in on here in the past, men can "mother" just as well as women can. I'm confused to now be reading that men can't give appropriate parenting advice...

Guess I'm just sick and tired of male "experts" in general. Whether they are on target in their advice or not, they do not know what it is like to be a woman, to be a mother, and how to balance the sacrifices involved in both. IMO, men need to tread carefully when it comes to advising women, because a perceived status of dominance so often accompanies "expertise."

I think plenty of dads can give great parenting advice (Leonard Cohen - author of Playful Parenting, for one) but they simply do not come equipped with the biologically driven instincts that women do.....

Well, I think its about experiences and culture -- not so much biology.But I think its interesting that you mention Leonard Cohen. Something prevents me from picking up that book Playful Parenting -- even though I'm sure it contains useful advice. It *bothers* me that a man is telling mothers to be more playful. Does he have *any idea* how difficult it is to be playful when you are completely brainfried???? And when every aspect of yourl life revolves around poop, pee, breastmilk, and dirty dishes????

[nycapmom]

Mamaduck, Playful Parenting was the first book that came to mind for whatever reason but it does have it's flaws. I think the concept of dads and moms playing on a child's term as "speaking their language" is fantastic and really works but I think he does imply often in the book that play is a cure-all and he does seem to assume that we can devote every waking moment to play. I have a young baby so when my older kid wants to play (which is every waking - and sleeping, moment) I can't always do it and don't want to feel guilty about it. Also, dads come home refreshed (mine does anyway) and ready to play while my brain really is fried from sleep deprivation, diaper washing, tandem nursing, meltdowns, etc.

Curious what you mean by experiences and culture not biology?

btw, I LOVE reading all of your GD posts - I have lurked for 2 yrs and have learned a lot from you

[nicole lisa]

Just found this thread this morning, and mamaduck,



I love everything you said, and everyone else that said they are tired of men dispensing mothering advice to women.

Sears takes a lot for granted in his books; mainly that his audience is middle class and white.

The Discipline Book really upset me when my son was 2 and we were just starting to deal with the concept of discipline and what that means to me and my partner and our son. I remember feeling really ripped off. I hated the promises of good behaviour just because a child and MOTHER (it bugs me that all his books come down to the mother and her relationship with the child - he's a man; it seems convenient for him to put the weight of parenting on women) are attached. It didn't seem to respect age appropriate kid behaviour.

I know some posts have said that Martha co-writes, but her voice isn't as strong throughout and it isn't her who is asked to appear on TV, radio and in magazines. I went off of him when I saw him on TV here in Canada dispensing breastfeeding advice. How would he know? That really irked me. It really is his show, another thing that bugs me.

It is great that there is a mainstream AP advocate out there, but why does the message have to keep women responsible for it all?

[Arwyn]

Originally Posted by Leetah987

I disagree!

You can't disagree that I don't like it. You can, of course, and do, have a different opinion about it, which you explain well.

Anyway, my point wasn't that he shouldn't be doing what he's doing, or that he is a bad AP standard bearer, just that I don't like him. I'm not your standard mainstream needing to be lead by the hand person, so although I appreciate that he helps others make the transition, I'm sooooooo far beyond benefiting from his help. Also, I would agree that he's a pretty good spokesperson and standard bearer for the AP movement, but he's not perfect, and I can prove it: not everyone likes him. Not all APers like him, definitely not all mainstreamers like him, and y'know what? That's ok. We don't all have to. He, like any other tool (doctor, person, author, etc), has his uses, and his limitations.

Originally Posted by sagira

I believe in God so I definitely think highly of him writing Christian books as well.

Please be careful with this kind of statement. It implies 1) that a belief in God (plus being AP-minded) automatically leads to thinking it good that Dr. Sears writes Christian books and 2) that if one doesn't think it good he writes Christian books (and one is AP-minded), one does not believe in God. Both of those are false. If you did not mean to say those two things, please choose your words more carefully.

[liawbh]

Hmm, I guess i like the Sears books because i don't expect them to be the answer to everything. The Baby Book I liked for getting ready for baby, looking up illnesses, checking developmental milestones. The Fussy Baby was very very helpful when ds was colicky, partly for ideas to try but mostly for the stories from other parents who had been there and survived, sanity intact.

For info. about not vaxing, or non-punitive discipline, those aren't the books I turn to, because that's not his expertise.
I don't think it makes sense to write him (or them, since Martha definately has a voice in some of the books) off completely because he isn't the perfect AP/NFLexpert.
OH, and about the things that may seem instinctual to some, I loved being able to quote those at people, especialy my ex-inlaws. HAving a DR. to quote was sooo helpful (my first ped. was NOT).

[thismama]

Homosexuality - there is a whole paragraph with this subtitle toward the back of his book for fathers. It basically says that "some people think homosexuality is okay but it's an aberrant lifestyle" (I'm paraphrasing but I think that's a pretty accurate quote). And that it is fathers' jobs to teach their children positive gender identities so they won't be queer, and if they are queer it's bad and your fault.

I hate him for all the reasons Arwyn mentioned too.

[chickiepickie]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

It *bothers* me that a man is telling mothers to be more playful. Does he have *any idea* how difficult it is to be playful when you are completely brainfried???? And when every aspect of yourl life revolves around poop, pee, breastmilk, and dirty dishes????

Maybe he's talking to dads to be more playful?? The book is called Playful Parenting--not Playful Mothering...?? Just a thought...

[cmb123]

Originally Posted by thismama

Homosexuality - there is a whole paragraph with this subtitle toward the back of his book for fathers. It basically says that "some people think homosexuality is okay but it's an aberrant lifestyle" (I'm paraphrasing but I think that's a pretty accurate quote). And that it is fathers' jobs to teach their children positive gender identities so they won't be queer, and if they are queer it's bad and your fault.

.

Holy Malony!!!! I had no idea! I never read the Fathers book. I'll have to re-think any recomendations of his books to new parents. I always liked to head people toward Sears because he bridges the gap between mainstream and AP pretty well.

Wow..I guess it's my Dad's fault I'm gay....I always thought it was just me! :LOL

[nycapmom]

Originally Posted by thismama

Homosexuality - there is a whole paragraph with this subtitle toward the back of his book for fathers. It basically says that "some people think homosexuality is okay but it's an aberrant lifestyle" (I'm paraphrasing but I think that's a pretty accurate quote). And that it is fathers' jobs to teach their children positive gender identities so they won't be queer, and if they are queer it's bad and your fault.

I hate him for all the reasons Arwyn mentioned too.

Yep, dispicable : Thanks for finding the info and saving me from a search. I also recall seeing some awful stuff along those lines in his discipline book but it's been a while.

It's tough because many people who would not otherwise receive AP ideas openly would read Sears but I find it hard to recommend him to anyone in light of a lot of his opinions - parenting and otherwise.

Like with CIO, when I hear someone mention wanting to Ferberize, I am quick to mention THe No Cry Sleep Solution. I personally would NOT use the NCSS but it is leaps and bounds better than Ferber or the rest.

[HelloKitty]

Wow I had no idea about his position on homosexuality - that's very disturbing. :