Originally Posted by burke-a-bee
"The suggestion have been helpful, but no one has addressed the "what next?" If the re-direction, giving choice and such don't work, then what? That's where I'm at a loss. Someone made the point that we are all 1st generation GDers, which for me is very true. When I was a kid and got out of line the first respone was to yell and then a smack if we didn't stop the behaivor. I don't want to do that but I don't know another way so alot of time I ignore the behavior or spend most of the day pleeding with them to behave."
Same feeling here!
For me, a SECOND generation gd'er, I don't find it so hard. I will tell you that my methods are not completely AP. But they do not involve spanking, punishing or bribing either.
They can make life alot saner.
First of all, I am not big on choices. If this is working with a child GREAT. But if its cauisng more problems, its prob an indication that your child isn't seeking choices.
So for me what's next is simply, a statement of what must be done and that I DO NOT LIKE what is going on (said in a calm but VERY serious voice) and expect better in the future."
Most importantly and feeling that once this has been done, there is NOTHING more that needs to happen.
Here is one example:
"It will be time to go in five minute. We must go to the grocery. There is no food in the house"
"OK five minutes are up. Let's go"
"Oh, why do we have to? I don't want to."
"Get in the car. We must go to the grocery store to get food."
"NO! Its not fair, why do I have to go. I don't need to eat. I can just have candy"
"Get in the car now. We must go. I DO NOT LIKE that you are keeping us waiting!" (this is said sternly but calmly, not yelling. It can feel really good to "dial down" here)
(Key here, NO discussion about why you are going, that you need food that they just can't have candy etc...
.you already told them why you are going. they know. Do not get distracted. Keep your eye on the prize...everyone in the car.)
You must make yourself feel inside that you are indeed in control. That you are going to the store and that whatever they are saying or doing is just not relevant.
If they are little, pick them up as gently as possible and put them in the car.
If they are too big: WAIT. But your demeanor must be the one you have when waiting for a bus that is REALLY LATE.
Don't say anything ELSE, other than repeating like a mantra "The Car, now!" (Think about how this feels, how empowering it is to not feel like you must respond to everything being said)
No, discussion AT THIS TIME of how they need to be 'part of the team' or anything else.
Later, when you are back home you can talk about this if you wish. You can say that you expect better behavior in the future.
Thus, you have stated your expectations. You have let them know that you are not happy when they don't meet those expectations.
There is no need to punish.
You would be suprised at how effective this can be.