How to "talk" my family into a HB

[Spooky Tuesday]

My DH and I are planning a hb, and we are very comfortable with it, we have several friends who have done it a couple times, and have very experienced midwives behind us.

I know I shouldn't have to "talk" our families into a hb, but they are always VERY concerned about anything having to do with births...they definately see it as a sickness! :

With our first birth, we decided on a birthing center birth, and it went awry b/c of a very horrible midwife who didn't want to be working as one anymore (and quit 2 weeks later!!!)
My midwives now think that it was her intervention that had my labor go the way it did and send me to the hospital. I wasn't the first person with complaints.
So anyway, this is our families opinion on my "natural ways" - how sick I looked and how scary it was (for them only!) even though it would of went beautifully w/o the intervention. They definately only see the worst part of it. (They are also the same people who thought that I was being stupid for not having a episid. or no epi)

I understand their concerns and respect them, but it's hard to explain that the intervention was the root of my 1st birth problems, and I would only get more of that at the hospital.
Unfortunately they won't read the books that we'll be reading and I doubt they would do any research...but we still need to convience them how were not trying to put our baby or me at any "unneccesary" risks.

Any advice would be appreciated!!

[Irishmommy]

Do you have to tell them beforehand? If you can avoid telling, it might be easier!

If they ask, you could always just say that "such and such a hospital is the closest". They think you have answered the question, you have evaded it (okay, lied, but for a good cause). Or you could tell them you are having a homebirth and when they start, cut them short and tell them it is not up for discussion, and every time they bring it up, say the same thing, and then change the subject. Don't forget, it's really none of anybody's business but yours and dh's.

I sound like a bitch, don't I!

[miriam]

telling family or anyone else for that matter

Dear MOthering Friend:

Why do you feel you have to explain anything to anyone anyway?
It is your body, your baby, your medical/health bill. YOu didn't ask them if you could become pregnant did you?

This is just the beginning.

You are going to face alot of resistance to alot of decisions you are going to make as a parent anyway. Don't go around asking for trouble. Getting people's approval is like doing this:
.

Be strong for yourself and your baby.

[Kirsten]

When the topic comes up, how about saying something like "I want to talk for 30 seconds before you tell/ask me anything. We have decided to have a homebirth. I have done my research and am very comfortable with this. We are excited and hope you can come to a place where you can be supportive. I understand you are only concerned for our safety but if you do the research, I think you'll see how safe it is. If you can't be supportive, I would appreciate it if we could refrain from discussing it. Thanks and I love you!"
I may be using this little speech myself soon as today dh and I (I think) decided to have a homebirth this time (baby #3).
Kirsten

[clevah girl]

I am planning to say as little as possible, for as long as possible, to people I think will be unsupportive. If one of them were to ask me where I was having the baby, I plan to say something like, "We're really not sure yet." (After all, we're never really *sure* about anything. )

Of course, there are close relatives that you have to tell. Maybe you can assure them that you have researched this thouroughly, and offer to give them some books to read. I always think that The Birth Book by the Sears' is a good one for "beginners", as it presents the facts pretty simply and is written by "a real doctor." Maybe you could offer to bring them along with you to one of your prenatals so they could meet your midwife.

[Chloe]

you are lucky dh is supportive...my family is, dh is not!
But I definitely understand.

I would say any of the above... these are all good things. You have done your research, and you are comfortable with it. What Kirsten said is really good- asking that they listen for 30 seconds, saying what you need to say, and then saying it isn't open for discussion.

Also, bringing them to the midwife appointment is a great idea. Your midwife might be able to reassure them. And, we all know, if something is WRONG, then you'll most likely get to the hospital! No one is going to let anything bad happen to you or the baby.

I'm sure they are concerned, and it is hard for people to change their minds once they think they know all about something! They probably think hospitals and doctors are always right...or "know" best. Which isn't always true...and from what you said, that they think of birth as a sickness...well, so do alot of people. And hospitals are big businesses...the more medicine and stuff they pump into you, the more "procedures" they do, the BIGGER your bill gets!!! You could ask your family if they want to pay the hospital bill! :LOL I am kidding!

We are bombarded with medical shows about birth... and we all know how they almost always end- emergency c section, or mother has failure to progress, and boom, c section. You are right...the intervention can sometimes be worse. (in a few cases, it might be worth it, but not many)

Good luck to you....these are all really great suggestions. But in the end- it's YOUR baby, and your husband and your decision. Not theirs.

Francine

[elaine]

first of all..
Irishmommy- I am sure you are a bitch! I am too. Well, I assume that you are meaning this in a reclaimed sense of the word (outspoken, uninhibited, assertive woman) as I think it would be uncool to use the word as a slur to put yourself down.
IMHO- if you mean that you think you sound like a rude, thoughtless, insensitive woman, I am sure you can find better vocabulary to portray that.

as far as families and homebirth...
I am in the same boat as Spooky Tues.
This is my first pregnancy and basicallly I have taken the route that Irishmommy suggested. My family is especially freaked out because my brother lost a baby last year. He was in a hospital. The baby stopped breathing for an undetermined amt. of time shortly after birth and after being put on a respirator, never came back on his own, so they let him go after 24 hrs. Why my family thinks I should birth in the hosp. too is beyond me. but anyhow, I am not telling them that I am planning a home water birth, just yet. I have actually lied to them when asked if I was still thinking about it. I told them no, it's too expensive and my Medical Assistance will pay for the hospital birth. It was half true,because now I have various friends who have offered to give/loan me money so we can do it at home.

I figure it is no use to waste my breath trying to persuade them. I see it along the lines of trying to convince my mother that margerine probably caused her heart attack (she still eats it) or that Bleach and bleached paper products are poisoning us (dioxin).
They just don't seem to get it so I just have to do what I believe is right for me and my baby. I am lucky I don't live in the same city with any of my relatives.
Believe in yourself and your ability to make informed choices.

e

due jan 25 '03

[PumpkinSeeds]

Who is the one having this baby?

[Beth-TX]

I had my first at home and didn't tell my parents beforehand. My mom was very shocked and somewhat offended but my dad actually thanked me because it prevented him from having to hear about it from my mom for 9 months!

It's your body and your baby and you're doing what you feel is best. Have a wonderful homebirth.

peace, Beth

[Nutmeg]

One of the lessons we learned from our first home birth is that we didn't have to get approval from others - family, friends, doctors, etc. Oh yea, we wanted it and tried to get it, but in the end having the kind of birth we wanted was more important than having permission/approval/etc from anyone else. It would be wonderful to have everyone in your life supporting your choices 100%, but that isn't reality!

This time around when folks ask what we are planning to do we often use the line "we are keeping our options open." For some reason this has been a satisfying answer and no one has pushed it beyond that.

Find peace within yourself over this and the opinions of others will diminish in importance!

Good Luck!

[Spooky Tuesday]

Thank you all for your replies
Already with the birth & raising of my daughter, I am the "different" one (in my choices) in my family. I'm pretty comfortable with it all now, but it definately took some time for me to get the "guts" to just be comfortable and proud of my choices.
Actually, each day that goes by, I realize that my decisions have been very carfully thought out and not just what everyone else is doing - and therefore very wise.
I love my family very much, but I know I just won't be able to "talk" my family into anything that they didn't do themselves. They are the same people that formula fed all their babies, and just couldn't understand why I wanted to b/f or why it was necessary!! They are also my huge family that all basically live in the same neighborhood, literally - hense why they're so into what I and everyone else does !
You all definately had some very good points and gave me the push to stand strong for what I believe in.
Thanks!

[earthmama007]

I know you have alot of replies here already so I will make it short. You do have the choice and although it is hard sometimes to tell people you love about the *weird* choices you may make it will pass and you just need to let them know that you love them and it is oK if they don't agree. Also, let them know that you have done alot of research and you would never put you or your baby at risk. That is what I told everyone and luckily noone tried to talk me out of it and it wasn't a Huge deal although I know people who talked about me behind my back. It doesn't matter because you can't educate the world or make ignorant people understand. I guess this ended up being longer than I anticipated. Many blessings