Starting to lose the battle - HELP! - Page 2

[shishkeberry]

nak

if this helps at all, we (my circ'd dp, intact ds, and i) live in York county, not too far from you--like past_vne said, there are some of us around! my 20 year old brother who was born in lancaster is intact, too!

[paquerette]

With all the Amish around, intact rates are probably fairly high in PA. Of course, they don't get counted in the official stats.

[zaftigmama]

I you can find some peace in this situation. My dh and I fought and fought about circumcision, and I really resented the anger and stress I felt during a time I should have been relaxing and marveling at the wonder of nature. We got over it with an intact son, I hope you can do the same.

I wondered if your dh has spoken with a doctor - either pediatrician, OB, etc? My dh was so sure I was manipulating data and that our pediatrician (who is a very, very conservative Jewish male dr who knows we're Jewish) would be all for circumcision. We met with Dr. K and my dh was very smug about asking his opinion on circumcision (I really wanted to pinch him, he was so obnoxious) and he was floored when Dr K. said, "Oh, it's a purely cosmetic procedure. There are certainly no medical benefits from a circumcision." That pretty much ended our fight.

It didn't prevent resentment and continuing arguing, because dh really was worried about our families reaction, and he still believes there may be complications later. But, he was left without any leg to stand on as far as giving me reasons to circumcise our son.

I would tell your dh that you realize you have very opposing views and you'd like to reach an understanding. Tell him you simply can't allow a procedure to be performed on your son based on a gut feeling of dh's. If he can find reason, data, reliable info that is relevant to your family (none of these studies following only men in Africa!) you will be willing to listen with an open mind.

I really believed the issue of circumcision was going to end my marriage. I wasn't able to see a way ahead of us that would allow my son to remain intact and have my dh not leave. It's a terrible, terrible feeling. We had a dd, and I didn't want to break up the family, especially while expecting this child we had prayed for together. I didn't want him to resent me and my stubborness and always have the issue as something festering in the background that would be there every time we argued. All I can say is that he finally gave in - he wasn't willing to leave us over the issue.

Your decision to allow your son to remain intact is not a permanent one - if your son decides as an adult he would like to be circumcised, his options are open. If you circumcise him as an infant, you are taking away any choice and most options. Ask your dh why allowing your son to have a choice about his genitals is an issue that could end a marriage?

I wish you peace and good luck. Enjoy your pregnancy and hopefully you can resolve the situation together, in a way you can all be comfortable with.

Take care!

[emmsmama]

My dh was for circ too but came around fairly quickly. But even if he didn't I still wouldn't have allowed it to be done to my ds after finding out the truth about it. I know I would have regretted it for the rest of my life and every time I changed my boy's diaper I would have resented dh for pushing for it and THAT would have put a strain on our marriage for sure. Before ds was born dh realized circ was unnecessary but didn't really have a prob with it being done. Since ds's birth dh has thanked me several times for researching the topic and saying ds wouldn't be circ'd. He's not an intactivist now by any means, but he definitely realizes circ isn't just unnecessary, but it is wrong.

Wendy

[LadyWulf]

Originally Posted by Galatea

I hear you saying that if you insist on leaving the baby intact, you are afraid it will destroy your marriage. Actually, the opposite is true. If you let him be circ'ed to appease your dh, it will destroy your marriage. Every time you see your baby's cut penis, you will resent your dh more and more for forcing this pain and deformity on his baby to assuage his own ego. Your marriage will be in more trouble than before. I know there are moms here who can testify to this.

I CAN!!! It was only with a LOT of work and even more willpower that i did not kill my DH over forcing the issue and our son being cut. I didn't stand up and hold my ground. I was planning to leave my hubby in time...as soon as i could figure out how. Things were bad. He finally listened to me though...looked at what i wanted him to look at. Now he is anti-circ.

The very BEST advice i can give you is do NOT let your DH force you into cutting your son.

[Red]

Ok, I didn't read the whole thread, but I have an idea.

My best friend had twin boys. She totally believed circ was nescessary, no talking her out of it. We disagreed and stopped talking about it.

Now they are 16. One of them was bron with a heart defect and needed brain surgery. I just visited the other day and she told me that the worst day she had was not the day of the brain surgery, or the heart surgery. But the day they were circ'ed.

Can your dh watch a live one(Sorry, I don't mean to ofeend, I wish n obaby was circ'ed, but some are) If he saw a baby having this done, not on a movie, but right there in screaming full color, it might change his mind.

Do not panic about this now. Why not declare a one month truce? No talk of circ for a month (Or until the birth). Or switch sides. Tell him for the nbext few months your going to look for reasons TO circ, and he should look for reasons not to. Set a date to discuss what you've learned. He may learn he's against it, if there's no pressure.

Good luck. It's tough when you don't agree on something so important. If you do circ, it doesn't make you a bad mommmy.

BTW, my dh wasn't circ'ed. He's never had any trouble with anything. And I love that aardvark!

[*Milk-Fairy*]

Here is our story:

my DH and I were like you two...one for, one against. Also, DH is Jewish and it was simply expected that if we had a boy, he would be circ'd.

HOWEVER...never underestimate the power of a determined mommy!

For one, I worked at Presby before having DD, in the postpartum unit. And every morning baby boys were lined up and circumcised-all (and I mean ALL) screaming their little heads off, no matter who the ob was performing the circ, what "analgesic" they used, or what method was used. It was horrible, and not something I ever wanted my baby to go through.

I told DH that if he was dead set on having it done, I wanted him to simply educate himself on the how's and why's of the procedure. I wanted him to watch a video of a circumcision (not one that influenced people either way-but a factual video showing the two methods so he would know what our baby would be going through). If, after all that, he still wanted it done, I asked that he be with our son when it was done. I didn't want him to be alone, surrounded by strangers that were hurting him, and scared. AND...after all that, I didn't want to hear him say "Wow, I wish we hadn't done that" (which is exactly what a friend's dh said after their son's circ). I just wanted him to educate himself.

We got as far as dh looking at a diagram of how it's done...he refused to watch the video and said "that's fine, we don't have to have it done".

Then our baby was born, and it was a boy! My IL's came over and their first question was "when is his bris?" Um....never? you should have seen their faces, it was so incredibly tense in our house. DH actually caved and after his parents left he started pressuring me to circ the baby. I was pretty upset. We had made the decision BEFORE the baby was born and then, when his father was unhappy with his decision, HE switched teams and left me out to dry?

We went back and forth for about two weeks...I just kept saying "but we decided BEFORE the baby was born...you can't let emotions change a decision that you made based on facts" and he kept saying "I don't know WHY I want it done, I just do".

Finally, he asked our Ped. I had no idea, but her son isn't circ'd. Neither are most of the boys in her practice (if you want her name, she's wonderful, email me!). She gave a HUGE talk on how unnecessary routine circumcisions are, and how more and more boys are left intact these days. The whole "locker room" argument is going to be obsolete.

So after that he let it rest. My baby boy is four months old now, and every time I change his diaper I am so GLAD we didn't circ him. He is perfect just the way he is.

Oh, and at a playgroup not long after he was born I was changing his diaper. None of the moms have seen an intact penis and gathered around. The moms of boys said they were sad they had circ'd their boys and regret it. the moms of girls said they were unsure if they would circ their future boys or not...but after seeing Ben and how "normal" it looks, (and we are not a hippy family by any stretch), they are more open to the idea of leaving them intact.