I haven't been on in awhile, the one-handed typing thing isn't very easy! It's great to see all the new babies being born and the ones still yet to come ... I imagine SprinklePocket is in or very close to babymoon!
I have also still been trying to sort out this last birth experience, the biggest difficulty is in getting over the embarassment and the let-down I feel in myself. How could I, someone who knows why uc is important, who has read a ton of things about natural childbirth, have a baby in the hospital? if there had been something wrong than i would feel okay, but there was no medical reason. i wish i'd had the courage to leave the mw's, i wish i had not invited my parents to stay, i wish i had run away ... faenin was born 2 minutes after midnight, at exactly 42 weeks (according to an estimated due date!) and the "rules" say that at 42 weeks the mw's must transfer care to an ob. my parents were with us and i was not up to negotiating lying to the mw's or having my baby alone, with my father. i told the mw that at the beginning of my pregnancy that i intuited the baby coming feb 8 (which he did) and that if he did not, i would go into hospital to induce. they wouldn't go for it. i got a stretch and sweep first thing on the monday and had light, "menstrual" cramping throughout the day, by evening i had to go in for more inducing. i was 4cm dialated and the ob gave me protaglandin gel. in 15 minutes i was in full labor. i felt like vomiting, i was out of control and wanted to get it over with. i was "let" up to go to the washroom and i regained some control. it was so overwhelming to go from zero to full so quickly. i had to stay tied down to monitors for 2 hours, it was terrible. thankfully i am very good at relaxing and focusing and was able to make it through. when i was let up to go to a birthing room, i peed everywhere (ha!ha! a fine mess for the nurse!). i was told i had to be monitored for another 30 minutes and then i would be free to move. i told them before this that the baby was coming soon. the nurse said i was only at 5 cm but i knew i was in transition. the doctor went back to bed, one of the mw left, they sent my dad and older child home. when i went into the room, my mother laid down and 5 minutes later i had the incredible urge to push. i yelled that she had to get my older child back. no one believed me, too busy looking at the monitors. anyway, faenin was born about 10 minutes later, and i got another episiotomy (why???). i wasn 't allowed to squat, nobody massaged me (mw not allowed at this point), bright lights, cord clamped, all the crap i didn't want. the good thing is that baby was perfectly healthy and bf right away with no problems. i was so frustrated and felt so unlike myself. i don't even feel like i gave birth, only 2 1/2 hours. i feel like it was taken away, again! i even did ultrasounds for them so they could see that he was okay and he was perfect! this was so unempowering, i felt so out of control.
okay, done the venting for now ...
it could have been worse, right? i realized that it was not so unlike my relationship to the father. how could i have a peaceful, powerful birth when this man left my life in such chaos?
i think the most important thing i learned, in retrospect, and thank in part to KateSt, is the power of visualization. i knew i wanted to birth alone, i did feel it every night while i bathed and listened to the cd's i had made specially. i had prepared my older child wonderfully (he was so heartbroken to have missed it
). because i could never count on the "dad" i could never really fully focus on what it would look like. my "daydreams" about it were changing. i could not picture who would be there. i think a supportive partner is so very important, even if you do not want them there, knowing you are supported if you need to be,even as a "goper".
i knew as soon as this child was born that there was to be another, seriously, before the placenta even came out! i will not make the same mistakes. i will run away! i would love to have a baby in the ocean. i will not tell the "sperm donor" (because sometimes, that is all the men are) and i will have peace within myself. i waited to long for this man to come around, to care enough for the process, that i lost my womun power.
Visualization, and peace, are the keys to a magikal birth. Thank you for showing me this KateSt.
This is terribly rambling and incoherent but i had it in me to get it out today!
I hate that it says hospital birth beside my name in this thread. i hate that i have to tell people i didn't have a home birth, it doesn't sound right.
why do we have to get over the trauma that birth, medicalized birth, brings? it isn't supposed to be this way ...