or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Baby › Co-sleeping and the Family Bed › Intimacy and Co-sleeping
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Intimacy and Co-sleeping

post #1 of 63
Thread Starter 
OK, I wrote to moderator to make sure this was ok, but they didnt write back.

So here goes...

How are most couples handeling alone time? My DS is only 2 months so its not a problem, but I don't wanna feel weird when he gets older and people are telling me to "get him out of my bed" or "you'll never have another child and end up with a divorce from a relationship gone bad!" AHHHHHHHHHHHH

do you...

A. sneak in another room when the chance is had
B. remain in room with child (up to what age is fine?)
C. other suggestions

Hope no ones offended but Im sure this is an issue with lots of familys that co-sleep...

post #2 of 63
My DS is 15 months and when he falls asleep, I'll put him in his room if we're planning on, you know, having some alone time.

He usually wakes up after 1/2 - 1 hour, but it's enough time to get some snugglin' in.

That's what we do right now and it's working ok.
post #3 of 63
Dh and I don't have "relations" ONLY in our bed. When the opportunity presents itself we jump on it, LITERALLY -- living room, bathroom, bedroom, etc...

Because we only have 2 bdrms (one for our older boys and one for DH and I + toddler and soon to be baby) if we know we are going to be intimate we will either transfer our toddler to the couch so we can enjoy the space of our bed or find a suitable place for our "extra curricular" activities... The basement play room that houses a couch and futon has been frequented in the past.

DH has never been resentful of having a little one in our bed because it limits our "relations", if anything it makes us be more spontaneous! Which counts for a lot when you've been together for nearly 15 yrs and have 3 kids and one in the oven... The only time I've ever heard DH gripe was because of a foot smashing into his face in the middle of the night. :LOL
post #4 of 63
We have made our relationship better from co-sleeping. We get to explore other parts of our house and we get to be creative. Our cuddle time is with the kids when we watch TV. My husband is a big family man and I love him so much more for that. I will tell you that since we started co-cleeping our sexual relationship has improved and is the best it could ever be. I have been with my DH for almost 11 years now and the thought of getting divorced over co-sleeping because you can not have sex has never been a thought.
post #5 of 63
Dh I Use the living room, basement, spare room, shower, bath, and if we want to do it in our bed, then we move DS (26 months) to his brothers room.
I think it's wrong to do it in teh room with your child no matter what the age is.
I have seen posts from people who admit they do it with a sleeping baby in the bed next to them.Thats abusive imo.
post #6 of 63
Our 2 dd's were both conceived in the shower :LOL ....so we were used to exploring other areas of the house b4 cosleeping....so we just kept up the good work!
post #7 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Frizzle
I have seen posts from people who admit they do it with a sleeping baby in the bed next to them.Thats abusive imo.
This really puzzles me as a definition of 'abuse'. So, if a baby is in a crib in the same room, is that abuse? If a baby is out on the landing outside the bedroom door in a bassinet, is that abuse? If it is in it's room adjacent to your bedroom, awake, is that abuse?

To me, logically, the only thing that is abusive is if the child is awake and sees/knows/understands what is going on. Otherwise if the child is asleep, what does it matter where he or she is geographically?

What about families all over the world who live and sleep in one room? Are they abusive? It is only very recently in this culture that people have had multiple sleeping places for the family.

Your use of the word 'admit' is interesting - implying that anyone who does this knows it to be 'abusive'. I seriously doubt if that is the case.

There are many things imo that are abusive, but making love when you are geographically near a sleeping baby is not one of them. Not that I do so - as my baby really doesn't sleep. :LOL
post #8 of 63
I was specific when I said *In the bed next to them* (making love-whatever) while a child is literally right next to you in sick.
post #9 of 63
Up to about 4 months we didn't feel comfortable leaving DS alone, so we would wait until he was sleeping and leave him in the bed and go on the floor or put him in his bouncy seat on the floor while we stayed in the bed. After we got comfortable with him napping alone we started going to other parts of the house. I didn't really think about an age cutoff at which I didn't feel comfortable being in the same room -- it was more that we could have more fun if we didn't have to worry about waking him.
post #10 of 63
We let him fall asleep and then put him in his crib for awhile (like PP said, 1/2-1 hour is all it takes!), or we let him spend time snuggling with his older sister in her room watching tv while we "talk".
post #11 of 63
Thread Starter 
Let me clearify, my DH loves having family bed. And we have also been creative about the places we chose to ....egh..."have relations". When he heard people saying we would end up with a divorce he laughed saying "I guess we're not as high strung as other people."

My relationship with the hubblet has gotten better because of our son. I never thought in a million years my DH would come to enjoy APing. (He's kinda an "Archie Bunker" when it comes to things that are "different" saddly-but Ive been working on him for 12 years!!!!) I cannot believe how much of a GREAT father he is and how much he enjoys being a SAHD when he has the chance (I work 3 days and he's been staying home with DS) We have to start daycare on the 15th and Im sad about that.

But he encourages it now. I was just curious if there where "understandings" in the AP world when it came to intimate times, or if everyone just did what we do and winged it and had fun when it came to loving each other.

Interesting....
post #12 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by squirrelletta
When he heard people saying we would end up with a divorce ....
We've been cosleeping for almost 12 years (with a little span in there between DS#1 and the babe), and we're still "hanging in there".
post #13 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Frizzle
I was specific when I said *In the bed next to them* (making love-whatever) while a child is literally right next to you in sick.
I understood that - my point was, how far do you go with the idea that physical proximity determine 'abuse'? What about poeple who put the baby in a crib next to the bed? Or like here, say that they put a mattress on the floor? It is illogical to me to say that one constitutes abuse, one doesn't, just because the baby is a few feet further away.

For me, the matter is more what you feel comfortable with. If a baby is asleep, it's asleep. I cannot see how it is abusive to have sex while a baby sleeps nearby. It doesnt appeal to me personally, but imo there is nothing wrong with it and it is nothing close to abuse. The baby has no idea what you're doing, just as when my baby lies on the changing table in the bathroom (awake) he has no idea that I am on the loo! I personally cannot see the difference between having sex with a baby asleep in a bassinet, or having sex with a baby asleep nearby on the bed. He's asleep, he's fed, he's happy.
post #14 of 63
I don't understand how it's abusive, either. For a child who is paying attention, but for a baby?

To answer the OP's question, with our first we would do it in bed with the baby, I can't remember when we stopped, but it was whenever we felt there was some possibility of awareness that something was going on (as different from just the usual hugging etc.) Since then there's always been an older child, so we just take it elsewhere. Right now we have two rooms set up as bedrooms, all the kids and I sleep in one room, and my husband sleeps in the other (poor guy, he snores and I'm a light sleeper, so he doesn't get to sleep with us.) Whenever we want to do something, we just go into "his" room after the kids are asleep. Or sometimes in the morning I'll get up before anyone is awake and join him.

It has SO not affected our relationship. I just don't understand when people say that. Have they no creativity or flexibility? FWIW, I'd be sleeping in a different bedroom than my husband even if we didn't have kids. Why is sleeping in the same bed seen as necessary for a happy marriage? Am I missing something?
post #15 of 63
When they were little, we would use the floor next to the bed. Now that they're a little older, we use a different room usually.
post #16 of 63
"To answer the OP's question, with our first we would do it in bed with the baby, I can't remember when we stopped, but it was whenever we felt there was some possibility of awareness that something was going on (as different from just the usual hugging etc.) Since then there's always been an older child, so we just take it elsewhere."

Us too. And ds#1 is scarred for life from the experience :LOL
post #17 of 63
we gave up fooling around years ago. the 14 year old was really starting to critique what we were doing and it was making dh uncomfortable.




















:ignore

ok, anywhere there isn't a wake child is good for me. makes it fun sometimes.
post #18 of 63
I'm interested in this issue myself as I'm due very soon and plan on co-sleeping. He won't technically be "in our bed" since it's only a full size but we bought a co-sleeper to attach to it.

I have always just assumed we would get it on in the bed as long as the baby's asleep- I mean even if he woke up for a second a 2 month old won't know what's going on- and I'm of the opinion that sex and nudity and all that is totally natural and not perverse at all. I plan on being naked in front of my kids from birth on- I used to see my mom and dad naked all the time and I didn't turn out to be some strange incest person with lots of psychological issues or anything :LOL I mean I could see not wanting to do something that is morally objectionable or what not in front of your child but I wouldn't call 2 people loving each other in the same bed with a sleeping baby "abuse" by any stretch of the imagination...

I don't think it's sick at all to get it on while the baby is in the bed as long as he or she is still too little to fully know what's going on and is asleep. What I do wonder is at what age do they know what's going on??? I guess we'll move him to his own room them...

After years of "being creative" since neither of us had private bedrooms while we were dating, we NEED our bed and we need it at night since DH is gone all day- I hope I never have to do it in a car or the shower or on the couch ever again! :LOL
post #19 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Frizzle
I have seen posts from people who admit they do it with a sleeping baby in the bed next to them.Thats abusive imo.

Not in mine.
post #20 of 63
This isn't such an issue for us since we have a guestroom and I've been too tired to have sex at night since I had a kid. The issue for us is not so much where as when.

Naptime is better for us, and now that dd sleeps in her own room early morning is comming back into fashion. Dc #2 was conceived in the bathroom of a hotel while dd#1 watched cartoons.

I think we stopped doin' it around dd maybe around 4 months? I'm another one who doesn't think it's a problem to get busy near a sleeping baby.

I think having children changes your sex life quite a bit regardless of where the kid sleeps. My feeling is after maybe 3 months it gets hard to have sex while the baby is awake whether there's a bed available or not.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Co-sleeping and the Family Bed
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Baby › Co-sleeping and the Family Bed › Intimacy and Co-sleeping