Hi everyone,
I guess this is a new forum, I don't remember it being here! I just wanted to add my chime in.
I have been on meds since I was 20 weeks pregnant
. I went off breifly after dd was born, but I'm back on them. My thyroid "died", and that contributes to the depression and problems with energy. On top of that, I have had so many heartaches, problems and bad luck, I think anyone would be depressed. Here's my big whine:
I have been unemployed for nearly 5 years straight. Had severe money problems for 5 years. (H was in and out of work for the past 3 years). I have moved 6 times in 5 years. I have gotten married, and separated in the last 3 years. Had a baby. Sold our house because we could not afford it. Van was reposessed. I had to have surgery to repair my vagina and perineum after the birth- I think it was worse than a 4th degree tear, if that's even possible. It has taken almost 2 years to get my synthroid dose right. Since being single, I have not been able to find a job. I can't get medicaid, food stamps, or assistance with childcare (my parents have supported me, bless them both). My poor daughter is a wreck, has bad dreams, misses her dad, even though he is one of the most self-absorbed people I know. My sister gave me $ to put dd in daycare. So she has been in it for 2 months, and the kids are mean to her. She has come home and yelled, "Go away!" because that's the kind of crap they tell her. I know they have reasons, but it breaks my heart in two. A month ago my daughter had 3 complex febrile seizures - while I was alone and driving her to the doctor's. I believe that the seizures were complicated by the fact that the daycare doesn't make them drink enough- she gained 1lb 3oz on an IV in the hospital! I have $15,000 of debt from living off of credit cards. I had a car wreck 5 months ago. It has been pretty bad for 5 years.
The stress has been absolutely unbelievable. I have a hard time thinking that it's just the depression. I told my pyschiatrist yesterday that I really don't want any more medications. At this point, I feel so tightly wound that I can't cry, and I really feel like I need to.
Anyway, I am glad this forum now exists. I think I need to be here, and I hope I can help anyone here who needs it. I have been there, and still am there, with the blue feelings, feeling unloved and unlovable. I have been suicidal for months, but I think it's dissipating. I have had a very gloomy outlook, since it seems like almost everything I touch or try to do turns to sh#$@ on me. I have had days where I have felt so paralyzed by depression, that I am numb. I just sit there. And I have seen how my depression has affected my daughter, and I hate it. That's another vicious spiral. On top of all this crap, I started smoking 8 months ago and can't seem to stop. I have quit off and on, but for some reason it's helping me cope. Disgusting and horrible.
Well, that's where I am.
Jessica
I guess this is a new forum, I don't remember it being here! I just wanted to add my chime in.
I have been on meds since I was 20 weeks pregnant
. I went off breifly after dd was born, but I'm back on them. My thyroid "died", and that contributes to the depression and problems with energy. On top of that, I have had so many heartaches, problems and bad luck, I think anyone would be depressed. Here's my big whine:I have been unemployed for nearly 5 years straight. Had severe money problems for 5 years. (H was in and out of work for the past 3 years). I have moved 6 times in 5 years. I have gotten married, and separated in the last 3 years. Had a baby. Sold our house because we could not afford it. Van was reposessed. I had to have surgery to repair my vagina and perineum after the birth- I think it was worse than a 4th degree tear, if that's even possible. It has taken almost 2 years to get my synthroid dose right. Since being single, I have not been able to find a job. I can't get medicaid, food stamps, or assistance with childcare (my parents have supported me, bless them both). My poor daughter is a wreck, has bad dreams, misses her dad, even though he is one of the most self-absorbed people I know. My sister gave me $ to put dd in daycare. So she has been in it for 2 months, and the kids are mean to her. She has come home and yelled, "Go away!" because that's the kind of crap they tell her. I know they have reasons, but it breaks my heart in two. A month ago my daughter had 3 complex febrile seizures - while I was alone and driving her to the doctor's. I believe that the seizures were complicated by the fact that the daycare doesn't make them drink enough- she gained 1lb 3oz on an IV in the hospital! I have $15,000 of debt from living off of credit cards. I had a car wreck 5 months ago. It has been pretty bad for 5 years.
The stress has been absolutely unbelievable. I have a hard time thinking that it's just the depression. I told my pyschiatrist yesterday that I really don't want any more medications. At this point, I feel so tightly wound that I can't cry, and I really feel like I need to.
Anyway, I am glad this forum now exists. I think I need to be here, and I hope I can help anyone here who needs it. I have been there, and still am there, with the blue feelings, feeling unloved and unlovable. I have been suicidal for months, but I think it's dissipating. I have had a very gloomy outlook, since it seems like almost everything I touch or try to do turns to sh#$@ on me. I have had days where I have felt so paralyzed by depression, that I am numb. I just sit there. And I have seen how my depression has affected my daughter, and I hate it. That's another vicious spiral. On top of all this crap, I started smoking 8 months ago and can't seem to stop. I have quit off and on, but for some reason it's helping me cope. Disgusting and horrible.
Well, that's where I am.
Jessica
