guest list??

[panda]

Just wondered if any of you had trouble deciding who you wanted present in your home during your homebirth... Did all the people you invite accept? Was anyone offended (or shocked) at the invitation, or was anyone hurt not to be invited? And in retrospect, do you wish anyone had been there who was not, or vice versa? Also, if you had mom or sister present, did you feel any obligation to invite inlaws?

Edited to say, I know this is kind of a silly question - some friends and I were just talking about it the other night so it's been on my mind. I'm not even in the planning stages yet, so this is just general curiosity

[cottonwood]

Yes, I had trouble deciding! With all three births I liked the *idea* of having people around, and I liked the *idea* of my friends and family seeing what normal birth looks like -- but every time the closer I got to the birth, the less I wanted people around, and also the less I was able to assert my wishes. Eek! Consequently a couple times I ended up with people around I didn't want, and that was really hard for me to deal with post-partum.

My mom was an absolute "NO" because although I love her dearly she has a very nervous energy. She would have worried me right into the hospital! Luckily she understands this about herself and was not hurt that I didn't invite her. She also (one of the few people I've met, actually) believes that birth is as intimate and private an event as sex.

I was also lucky in that no one *expected* to be invited. I've got a fairly respectful bunch for in-laws. Once they understood my feelings about birth, and I went on and on about the psychological aspects of birth and how it is important to be completely unselfconscious, they left me alone. If they protest, give them some Michel Odent to read! He's a doctor, some people are impressed by that, and after reading that, there's no way they'll be able to protest.

Now, I can see trouble if you are inviting some and not others, I can see some hurt feelings. However, if you go with your mom and sister, how could your in-laws justifiably feel hurt by that, I mean, of course you're closest to your mom and sister.

Remember, your birth does not belong to anybody but you. It is not a public event, and you are under NO obligation to invite ANYONE.

[brett]

In both of my births I ended up not having someone I invited come. Both were fine with it and when I invited them I was clear that I wasn't sure how I would feel and so it was a possiblity that I wouldn't call them. Birth is such a sacred space and I think that you have to trust your instincts on deciding who you want there. I think a woman should invite who she thinks will be helpful and supportive, not someone who she feels an obligation toNo one was offended that I invited them, but they were all people that were doula, midwives etc. I didn't invite my inlaws to either of my births, but we called them and they came to our town, but they came to our house after the baby was born. They were not comfortable with being at a birth anyway. My parents were at my first birth, but in retrospect I felt like they had a lot of fear and weren't really the right people to be there. For my second we were 9 hours away from my folks, so it wasn't an issue. I don't think it is a silly question at all.

[Gagesmom]

I didn't want anyone at my 1st birth except my DH-but my MIL shoved her way in anyway right as I was entering transition. (My midwife thought she was my mother, and since I hadn't specifically told anyone not to let her in, in she came!). It turned out that I was so deeply into myself and my contractions that I didn't really mind her there. My DH was kind of scared and didn't know what to do, I think he was grateful that his mother was there. And, she took great pictures of DH, DS and me in the tub immediately following the birth that I was grateful to have! So it worked out for the best. She will be the only guest at our next home birth, as well-she will be taking care of our 24-month old while I'm laboring.

[LaDeesseduTout]

I have actually given this alot of thought.

My first birth I had everyone in the world there! That's what I wanted, but now wish it wasn't so, I think things would have went smoother if I had been by myself. I could have focused more on my body, instead of the going's on around me.

But in second thought, I also want to be surrounded for the second one by the people I love. (There are just so many off them!)

So for me it's a toss up! I don't know!!

Shannon

[TrinitysMama]

We are planning to only have dh, the midwives, and a friend who is studying midwifery at the birth. All of our family lives 1/2 hour away or less. They are all deeply offended that I have asked them not to be here while I am birthing. I'm due on the 3rd and they are just now coming around to the idea of a homebirth. They haven't exactly been supportive so far.

My mother is extremely hurt that she is not invited, and it sucks, but this is my birth and I have to do it the way that I need to do it. I know that if she were present, I would be extremely self conscious. She really has no respect for the natural process of birth and thinks that vocalizing through contractions, being naked, and pushing from a standing or squatting position are strange and wrong. They seem to think that they should all be able to wait out in the living room, while I remain back in my bedroom confined to my bed. Not gonna happen.

My MIL has mentioned that she wants to be here but there isn't a chance in hell of that happening. She is not supportive of homebirth AT ALL. Hell, she isn't exactly thrilled that dh and I ever married in the first place. She has hated me since the day we met and there is no way I will have that woman anywhere near me while I give birth.

At first I felt guilty about the fact that they are upset about not being allowed in. I finally realized the my birth is not some show that I am putting on for the benefit of my family members. It is a very special event that I believe should be between dh and I. I didn't need an audience when we made this child and I sure don't need one when she is born!

[WriterMama]

*

[brett]

WriterMama and TrinitysMama, Good for you and your dh for standing up for your right to birth with the people you feel comfortable! It is more important that you feel safe, comfortable, and uninhibited, and I also think that the energy surrounding birth is very sensitive and that people who have fears or disapproval can really affect the whole vibe (I hope that makes sense). I can imagine the family is tough to deal with though, but people at a birth should be helpers, not spectators.

[Nee Nee]

guest list

Personally I dont think anyone had the right to get offended if you tell them you'd rather not have them at your birth, after all it is "your" birth and the most special time in yours and your families lives.... for myself I had my sister(doula) , mother and DH at my first birth, and my mother drove me crazy, it was a long horrible experience that ended up transferring to hospital, and I can say in all honesty that my mother being there had a part in it.. I just couldnt relax... she was constantly chatting, talking on the phone... just being annoying in general. This time its only going to be my sister(doula), DH and my son.... I dont know if my mom is "deeply offended" , but I do know she is trying everything in her power to get around my wishes, now she is asking me " couldnt you just get someone to call me when you are at 5 cm" ... I have told her no,,, buy I know she has her own agenda... I am writing in my birth plan that if she shows up at teh door, not to let her in.. I know this sounds terrible, but I have to think of my own sanity at the time of the birth!!

ANyway, sorry this got so long winded, I just wanted to tell you to invite whoever you want, and dont take any slack from anyone, you deserve to have the most peaceful birth possible

GOod luck

Renee

[mamabain]

i invited a bunch! (long)

edited to add: sorry, i forgot this was about homebirth. mine was planned to be a freestanding birth center. i am sure things would have been different if i were to do this in my own home.

i was originally to birth in a freestanding birth center so i expected that all those invited would at least be in the waiting room. ended up being hospital birth due to high blood pressure.

i invited dh (of course!) He was my bradley coach. he accepted!he was awesome and he and my mom were the reasons i didn't need any pain meds.

i invited my mom, she accepted and came. she was like a doula for me. she was awesome.

i invited my in-laws. they were not interested. they didn't even want us to call them before the baby got here. i was actually offended. why wouldn't they want to be there for the birth of their first grandchild? oh well. i didn't expect to want them in the room, but at least just outside.

i invited my brother. thought i might want him in the room. he couldn't come due to an important meeting.

i invited my high school friend who is almost an ob-gyn (he's a resident). wanted him to witness a natural birth assisted by a midwife. he came and was surprised at the number of positions i pushed in. he also took the video.

i invited my dad. i didn't want him in the room with me, just in the waiting room. he showed up in the room just as i was entering transition. he was unobtrusive and it was fine he was there. he took awesome birth photos.

i invited my sister in law who accepted but couldn't make it in the end due to racing in the wild onion that weekend.

i did not invite my sister who was 17 at the time and vocally squeamish about childbirth. said it was disgusting. i didn't even want her in the waiting room because i didn't want my mom to be worrying about her welfare for up to 24 hours (however long labor was going to last). she was very upset with me for not inviting her but i still think it was the best decision.

if you can't tell from this post, i am not very modest! all in all i had a whole crew of people and it was fine with me!

rachael
life partner to will
mama to gabriella 9-22-01

[mum2lillie]

I always thought that I had to have my mom there. Like someone said earlier, my mom has a lot of nervous energy. I could have used her help more post-partum than the 3 weeks leading up to birth. Now I know better. I also invited my MIL-don't know why??? I also felt obligated to invite the woman I felt had turned me onto homebirth...she ended up videotaping.

Well, 3 makes 6 when you include midwife and her 2 apprentices, both of which I was glad to have there. It got closer and closer to birth and I was thinking that I didn't want all of these people there after all. Unfortunately, I wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself and tell them, so there were all of these people present and DH. My labor was exhaustingly long. I was already 5 days post date, something like 6cm dilated before I ever went into labor. Then I was in transition and pushing for hours and hours. After I pushed my 10 pound baby out I was done. Then, I had a bad hemmorage post-partum as well. I'm chalking it all up to being on display for all of these people at my birth and not being able to say "you can't come." Next time it will be me, DH, DD, and midwife. That's it! Just invite who you want and DON'T be afraid to change your mind.. people will understand your decision, regardless.

[Kirsten]

At each of our first two births, it was just me, dh, the midwife and her assistant. That is it. It was perfect. I think it would be neat to be able to show people natural birth but not enough to risk my own - I think having other people around interupt the process and keep you from being uninhibited - which is so important. I also like the fact that dh was my support - not a sister or friend or anyone else. It is he and I that are the parents and I feel strongly that for me we are the ones who should be at birth together - without the interuption of other people (our midwives were very hands off - knew we were doing well by ourselves and stayed pretty much out of it unless needed).
That said, I have been at two of my friend's births - which made me feel so honored to be allowed in at such an important and private moment in their lives. But #3 for us will be a homebirth and those friends will not be invited. Saying nothing about them - it is about me. I want it just to be me, dh and the midwife with assistant. Those assistants are great at taking photos!
I would invite only whom you want, genuinely WANT at your birth. Do not invite anyone out of obligation! I adore and love my sister and I think it would be cool for her to witness natural birth (she hasn't had kids yet) but for me, birth is for me and dh. Like someone else said - MIL, sister, friends, etc. were not there when you conceived the baby! I heard that you should only invite to your birth people whom you would be comfortable going to the bathroom in front of. I think that is a good way to think of it.
Kirsten

[SunRae]

If you're really concerned about not offending anyone, please take this advice: don't decide who you want there or actually invite anyone until quite late in your pregnancy. Especially if it is your first, you really don't know how you will feel about it all by the end.

My dear sister invited me, and only me (in addition to her dh, obviously) to attend the birth of her first child, quite early in her pregnancy. I was absolutely elated, as at the time I thought I would not be having kids myself but had always wanted to be a part of the experience. I was moved to tears that she asked me, as she is quite a private person and I love her a lot.

Well, late in her pregnancy, after I had been anticipating the blessed event for months, she became distressed when I mentioned being there and it was obvious she'd changed her mind. She was really trying not to hurt my feelings, telling me it wasn't personal, she just didn't think she wanted ANYONE there, but I was crushed. I cried for days over it, I was so hurt and disappointed (although I never let on how much it affected me because I figured she didn't need that at the time!).

Two years later, here I am pregnant, and my sister actually asked me if she could attend MY homebirth! I couldn't believe it. My dh said absolutely not, not after how she broke my heart. I guess she never realized how badly I took it. I actually wouldn't mind her being there otherwise, but I kinda agree with dh.

So, PLEASE make *absolutely* sure before you even let on you are considering inviting anyone.

Rae

[TrinitysMama]

I think its a lot easier to change your mind and decide that you do want someone there after saying no one could come, rather than invite everyone and their dog and have to evict them all right in the middle of your labor.

Just a thought. . .

[kerikadi]

No trouble deciding at all it was just DH and I until the MW got there 45 minutes before she was born. For me birth is very intimate, DH and I were very connected which made it easier for us to communicate and for him to read me. Had others been in attendance I believe we both may have been less attentive. If I have my way next time the MW will show up right after the babe is born - to do all the clean up stuff.

Keri

[SerenityScott]

We've invited six people to our upcoming homebirth: my mom, who is an OB nurse, my mother in law, my sister in law, and three of my closest girlfriends. I've given them a few things to read and made it clear to them that they all have jobs to do and there will be no standing around gawking and fretting or they will be booted from my presence. Okay, I made it clear in much sweeter terms than that... but still... I needed them to understand why they are coming.

I'm hoping it goes well! I am just a little worried about my mom - while she worked with midwives and has been part of natural-uninhibited-as-it-gets-in-a-hospital birth, I just hope that she'll be calm and patient about our birth.

I wonder what I'll want to do for our next birth...