Toddler Issues

[Suzetta]

I am really having some inner turmoil right now, dealing with my toddler. She is an extremely active and energetic child. When it was just her, I was able to do lots of re-direction and give her the attention needed to keep her satisfied, and things were fine.

Now there is a new baby, coupled with her age, 19 months, I am seeing some behaviors that are troubling. The main behaviors are as follows...

*shaking/hitting baby while I am nursing if I am unable to attend to her instantly
*Constantly climbing and becoming a danger to herself
*Sometimes when I try to redirect/tell her no, hitting me amidst a tantrum
*Kicking me during diaper changes

All of these behaviors, in my opinion are bids for my attention-however, I owe it to the other baby to spoil and love her just as much as I did her. I also realize that she is too young to understand this. I feel I am constantly neglecting one or the other.

I don't want you to think she is terrible..she is full of love and is wonderful. She smothers the new baby, me and her daddy with kisses and love constantly. The incidents I discuss just happen every now and then, but are troubling to me, especially, as you read on, when you see how I react.

Now the problem...I find that I have resorted to occasionally using a tap on the butt when I pull her down from her climbing escapades. This seems to be the only way that she takes me seriously. I do not do it hard, and it is on her diaper, but that doesn't matter. The hitting action is still there, and feels wrong to me. One day she wanted my attention, while I was nursing the baby, and in her frustration she hit the baby on the head. My instinct kicked in, and before I know it, I did the same back to her. This has happened twice. Today, she snatched the babys towel, and swung it around and hit the baby. I was so angry! I really wanted to knock her over, but I just sat and did nothing. It feels so unfair that my innocent baby has to be the victim...but I also know that she is still a baby herself, trying to make sense of her own feelings.

I hate that I have felt the need to make my point by going against my values...but I feel at a loss when I see that she is going to hurt herself or the baby.

When she flails her arms and hits me, I am fully capable of remaining calm, and I comfort her until she settles down. I would never consider hitting her back or spanking her etc. at this point. Honestly, I like it when she directs her anger towards me...this I can deal with, and do not get upset whatsoever. It is when she hits my innocent little baby something in me takes over, and I cannot be patient about that. The same thing happens when I see her climbing and acting in a manner where she will hurt herself. I feel that I must take immediate action to stop the behavior, and it seems a tap on the diapered bottom is a lot more tolerable than a trip to the emergency room to deal with the broken bones if she falls.

I do not see that she is jealous or mad at the baby...it seems more like she is doing anything she can to get my attention. Even when she bothers the baby, it is only because she knows that will get me to put the baby down and deal with her.

I give her tons of love and attention, so I can't justify it by thinking she is neglected or somehow left out with the new baby.

Please, offer some stories, advice or thoughts, but do not judge my responses. I know they are wrong, otherwise I wouldn't have bled my heart out here in this forum.

I want my daughter to be happy, but I cannot allow her to hurt the other innocent child in the family. Nor can I let her put herself in danger.

[Piglet68]

As a mother of two I can definitely relate.

The first thing I want to tell you is that what you are feeling is normal. Please dont' beat yourslf up about it. The mama bear in you wants to fiercely protect your baby, even from your beloved older DD.

So, once you've cleansed yourself of any guilt, the next thing you need to do is figure out a way for you to STOP tapping your child. First and foremost, all you are doing is confusing her...the answer for hitting is to be hit?? Secondly, it's very damaging for her. And for your relationship with her. It may seem effective, but trust me, it's the same kind of "effective" as taping your dog's mouth shut so he stops barking. It's wrong and your gut knows it.

Your child is hitting because she is unable to express her emotions of jealousy. She likely has no idea of what she is feeling or why, but it is understandable that seeing you interacting with your baby is upsetting to her and causes her to feel very badly. As she gets older, you can help her. You can start now by validating her emotions out loud. She may not understand yet, but the tone of your acceptance will come through, and in no time she'll start learning to identify those feelings and then learn to express them appropriately.

Your first job is to protect your baby. Dont' let the older one near the baby unless you have a free hand ready and waiting to intercept a hit or kick. Letting your child within hitting distance when you can't stop her is setting her up to fail.

When you see her wanting to hit, or when you intercept a hit, the first thing you do is tell her "we don't hit people". Look sternly at her. Then comes the validation part. Talk to her. Tell her "It must be hard to see mama nursing when you need me", "it's hard having a baby around", "sometimes I bet you wish Baby weren't here", etc. Her feelings are normal and deserve to be acknowledged and validated. YOur comment that you "spend lots of tiem adn attention" on her ...that's not the point. it's not lack of attention, it's the attention that is focusd on someone else. imagine if your DH came home with a new wife and said "hey, i'll still give you lots of love and attention".

feeling like you are constantly neglecting one or the other...well, IME, that's exactly how it is going to be for the next little while. i can never meet both their needs how i wish i could. you are going to have to come to terms with that in your heart. to me,it's the toughest part of having two.

the kicking during diaper changes is normal and may not even have anythign to do with the baby. mine went through this, and still does it when she's in a particularly rotten mood. i gently restrain her and use soft voice to remind her we dont' hit/kick people. my gut feeling is that this is one way they try to exercise some authority in their lives, some control.i find telling my dd ahead of time taht we are going to change diapers helps alot, as does giving her as many choices as i can "change on the changing table or on the floor? red cover or blue cover?" etc.

kicking you while tantruming. sounds like you are doign fine there. stay out of harms way while she is flailing. if she hits you remind her that "we dont' hit people". validate her emotions. "you sound pretty angry that you can't eat a cookie", "you realy wanted taht cookie and you feel angry that you can't have it", etc. say it in a "i'm your best bud and feel bad that you are distraught" tone of voice, fi that makes sense.

exploring: babyproof, babyproof, babyproof. especially when you have a baby adn cannot tend to her all the tiem. also try to engage her in a fun, special activity when you are with baby. LET HER CLIMB on some things. supervise her, be there with her. you're fighting a very strong instinctual drive in her to explore and discover. as best as you can, let it happen, either indoors or outdoors. babyproof. remind her of rules "in our family we dont' climb on tables" or "tables are not for climbing but you can climb on your <insert appropriate object here>". in this repsect, giving her options for where she can climb, what she CAN do, will be alot easier on both of you than a list of "dont' climb there, don't do taht, don't touch that".

anyways, sorry for the typos, i have a very squirmy baby in my lap as i type this. i hope it helps a bit.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

As is often the case, I agree with so much that Piglet said. I'm adding on here, maybe providing some additional tools, so take this as an extention of the PP.

The one thing I do want to reiterate is the fact that we are all human, we all make mistakes, and its really important to learn from them, let them go, and then model finding a better solution for our children. Go forward from here.

I too was surprised at how fast I got angry enough to strike an older child when they hurt the younger one. Wow is that "mama bear" strong and not very discriminating. I have found that I need to be extra close in supervising them together. When Anna was really little, I would use videos when I nursed to keep Evan occupied. Maybe not great parenting but better than having him hurt her or my hurting him becaue he hurt her (boy, did that make sense?) You could probably find some other really cool "nursing only" activity -- but that one worked for us. I think we are sometimes too wrapped up in being the ideal parent to make the compromises we need to get through difficult moments.

For diaper changes -- have you tried changing while she is standing up? Its really hard to kick when you are standing on your feet!

I walk away during temper tantrums, which keeps me from getting hurt and doesn't reinforce tantrums by giving them any attention.

As for the climbing... my personal philosphy is something like "If its not going to kill them, its OK." So, there are very few things that can't be climbed in my house. OK, I freaked when my 16 mo. old made it to the top of the fridge. But everyday climbing on furniture, counters, trees, walls -- those I allow. Stop and think about what they could reasonably do if they fell. Yes, in a freak accident they could break a bone, but the odds are so long, is it really worth stressing about all the time? In honesty, I would rather deal with the potention for a broken arm than the results of my child being struck by mommy all the time. That said, there are some things you can do to improve the safety. First and foremost, watch out for sharp corners and things they could hit their heads on if they fell -- either move things or pad them. If you can make the surface softer (carpet, foam puzzle flooring), then its good to do that. Move stuff you really can't cope with them climbing on, rather than having to say (and enforce) no all the time. Lock up stuff on counters that they shouldn't get to. That may mean making one or two rooms really safe and spending all of their waking time in those rooms.

And finally, the great salvation for me with Anna was an infant and my son was going ape all the time -- get out of the house! A lot. Go anywhere, but especially places where older child can run. Use whatever works to hold the baby (sling, carrier, stroller, whatever) and go to the park or whatever. I am blessed with So. CA lovely weather year round but whereever you live there are surely safe places to let the older kid run wild, even if it means compromising your food values and buying fast food so they can play in the playground.

Good luck -- and it does get better!

[IncaMama]

i only have one child so far, so take my advice with a grain of salt if you wish...but my initial thought was to somehow involve her in the care of your baby (supervised of course) so she won't feel left out. if you have to nurse the baby, maybe have your dd bring over a special blanket to drape on baby or help by singing a nursing song or something...i'd suggest giving dd plenty of warning when you're gonna do something longterm with baby (obviously off the cuff moments can't be predicted but when you know you'll be nursing baby in 5 minutes, spend some extra cuddle time with dd or involve her like i mentioned above)

good luck...it will get better!

[Suzetta]

Thank You ladies, for your wonderful words. Much of what you all said was validating. I do lots of the acknowledging of her feelings, firmly telling her no hitting etc.

After great thought this weekend, I came to terms that it is not necessarily my dd's behavior that needs "changing", but my attitude and feelings. It is not fair that I get frustrated and take it out on her. As you all said, much of this behavior that I am seeing is just normal toddler stuff. Part of the frustration I feel comes from the day to day routine without breaks for "mommy as an adult" time. Had a big chat with dh, and we are coming up with a plan for each of us to have some time each week to ourselves, just to refresh our thoughts, as he is also in need of time for himself. Life has been chaotic here, with the birth of the new baby, then I had to go soon afterward for major surgery, and dh's job situation is such that he feels compelled to search for another one.

It is amazing the difference a sibling makes! But I must say, the new baby is so sweet and content. I never realized how demanding my first was, until this new baby came.

Thanks to all of you for your great words of encouragement. I am ready to face next week, and see how things go-but I already know they will only get better, because I will make sure not to lose myself again.