Do you plan on GDing your children for the rest of their lives?

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Do you plan on GDing your children for the rest of their lives?

I don’t. I see GD as a temporary way of dealing with my child that I hope to gradually move away from. But, I’m curious about how you all feel about this because my feelings about this are not well thought out.

What about you?

[Colorful~Mama]

i guess i'm not sure what you mean by moving away from gentle discipline.

Its obviously not the same with a 4yo as with a 15yo, but the premises are pretty darn close. We don't hit. We don't yell. We talk, we redirect. Sometimes we're firm on an answer. There are natural consequences for actions.

what about Gentle discipline do you plan to move away from and why?

[IdentityCrisisMama]

I don't know. I got thinking about this on another thread. What stands out to me is that my parents no longer GD me.

Also, for me, I don't think of not yelling or hitting my friends, partner, parents, neighbor as GDing them, yk?

I most definitely want to eventually move away from redirection (and already have) and some of the other strategies, methods, and techniques of GD. Eventually, I feel I need to move away from protecting DC to the extent that I do now. I’d like to feel I can be more honest and straightforward with her as she gets older...


See, I can defiantely see how GD has its place with a 15 year old but what about a 20 year old or a 30 year old?

What is it called then?

[cmb123]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama

I
IEventually, I feel I need to move away from protecting DC to the extent that I do now. I’d like to feel I can be more honest and straightforward with her as she gets older...

I don't see GD as having anything to do with "protecting" my children AT ALL. So maybe the answer to the question of how we plan to raise our kids has to do with how we define GD in the first plance KWIM?
I intend to continue raising my kids as I always have.

[coopnwhitsmommy]

Well first....an adult shouldn't be needing discipline and if they are still being discipline after the age of 18 or whenever they move out of the house there is something wrong there! At a certain point you should be able to talk to your dc as an adult, and they should be able to respond in like manner with respect. As your dc gets older and more able to understand and follow through with rules and expectations you shouldn't have to treat them like a toddler/young child. I dont think gd is limited to young childhood, but I think you have to change it and adapt it to fit the child, and the age range.

[Rainbow]

I will always be (or aspire to be) gentle, kind, respectful, and attempt to see things through their eyes as long as they live.

How I speak and interact will obviously mature as they mature.

GD isn't an "act" it is more a continuation of kindness and gentleness that I feel I should show the world in general. A continuation to my children, who are no less deserving though society seems to think they are.

But GD to me means isn't about time-outs and redirection, GD to me is all about communication.

[coopnwhitsmommy]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama

See, I can defiantely see how GD has its place with a 15 year old but what about a 20 year old or a 30 year old?

What is it called then?

Mutual Respect.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by cmb123

I don't see GD as having anything to do with "protecting" my children AT ALL.

Interesting. GD, for me has a large part to do with protection.

Originally Posted by coopnwhitsmommy

Well first....an adult shouldn't be needing discipline and if they are still being discipline after the age of 18 or whenever they move out of the house there is something wrong there!

So, do you not expect to be using GD with your child at some point? Is 18 around that time for you?

Originally Posted by Rainbow

I will always be (or aspire to be) gentle, kind, respectful, and attempt to see things through their eyes as long as they live.

How I speak and interact will obviously mature as they mature.

GD isn't an "act" it is more a continuation of kindness and gentleness that I feel I should show the world in general. A continuation to my children, who are no less deserving though society seems to think they are.

But GD to me means isn't about time-outs and redirection, GD to me is all about communication.

So what makes something GD for you? Is GD just a term for healthy communication and interaction? Do you consider the way you deal with people other than your children GD?

Originally Posted by coopnwhitsmommy

Mutual Respect.

So, to you, it’s GD with children and mutual respect between adults?

[our veggie baby]

You guys should go over to the "do you GD your husband" thread I started ...LOL...

Another poster was right, I should have written "gentle communication" because whenever you say the word discipline, certain people will always attach a negative connotation to it...
I feel discipline means to teach...coming fom the word disciple..I will ALWAYS be a teacher, offering my experience, knowledge, guidance to people who want it/need it etc...just the same as I will ALWAYS be a student and yearn to be taught by people who are more experienced, knowledgable, etc in certain skills, areas etc---
...as long as it is done in a gentle, kind, non-condescending way, I have no problem with it...

Also, it really irks me that people have this huge problem with redirection! We use redirection in our everyday lives with almost EVERYONE in different situations whether we know it or not!!

Some examples:

A manager of a shop sees a couple of co-workers talking, gossiping etc...walks over to them with a smile "hey guys, I don't mind at all if you talk, but would you mind doing a bit of inventory while you talk?" (of course handled in a humorous, respectful way, while still redirecting)

Or you are a guest at dinner, of which was kind of crap and the host asks you if you enjoyed it (you didn't)---you respond...."Oh I enjoyed the evening immensely! That dessert was SO good (not a lie, you did like dessert) Can you give me the recipe!!"
You just "redirected" from the fact that the main course tasted like a shoe, without hurting feelings or lying, just focusing on the solution or the positive instead of the negative...

or say even with your partner....who has their work-related papers, folders, documents, laptop strewn all over the kitchen table where you plan on setting it for dinner in about 10 minutes..."Sweetheart, dinner is almost ready and we were planning on eating at the table tonight...I see you are working but would you mind moving your things temporarily to your desk? I'll help you if you like..." ...oh however you want to phrase it....THAT is redirection, whether people admit to it or not...I see it as common courtesy, compromise, and general respect...

I guess the people who see discipline as a bad word, and many do, will always have a problem with it as it relates to adults, but I don't at all. I will ALWAYS be a teacher as well as a student in life...as I still have a lot to teach and a lot to learn....not just with regard to children, but to humans in general...

[our veggie baby]

Cross post from the "GD and hubby" thread, because it relates I think to this too:


I feel that to anyone who feels GD is disrespectful either has got the concept way off, or whoever claimed to be Gd'ing them didn't get it either...

I think the fundemental goes back to whether you see children as equal people. I personally do. I think children should be afforded EVERY SINGLE human right we have, and I treat them accordingly.

Now, it is important to distinguish rights from privledges. Driving is not a right, it is a privledge. Other than there being an age requirement by law, you have to pass a written test, driving test etc...so the arguement I get often that irks me is "if children are equal, why can't they drive!!" (or whatever)
...however, right to personal space, respect of body, right to have a voice, a say in the decision-making process of your life, right to feel comfortable in your home, right to speak up when you disagree, right to have an opinion....yes, right to even refuse a bath if you want to---those are all fundemental rights I think children should have...

...of course we are their parents, so it is a bit different, I can only gently suggest my husband take a shower if he smells...but it never gets that far, as he is an adult with adult reasoning and no opposition to bathing....so that is where children need and should be treated with a little more allowance in consideration of the fact that they haven't grasped that yet different times....
....point is, I think a lot of disagreement occur with regard to child rearing, starting from the point of defining terms....the people who feel children are equals almost always fundamentally disagree with the people who feel children are "below" them and are in need of control....no matter how nice the people are and how much they like to veil that opinion....so I think that is the root in most discussions of this matter....

[cmb123]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama

Interesting. GD, for me has a large part to do with protection.

Maybe I don't understand. What are you protecting them from?

[our veggie baby]

I think of it as protection of their spirit in the sense that it is not right for me to put all my fears, hang-ups, frustrations, anger, issues from my childhood on them...so I will strive to be as gentle as possible and understanding, towards my children and towards humans in general...of course we all make mistakes...but like, I feel I am protecting someone's spirit and feelings when I choose to be understanding and gentle with them instead of yelling and controlling...

but hey, I don't really think of GD as protection really, not the way I think others might....

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Oh, lots and lots of things. I’m teaching them to trust their instincts. I’m teaching them how to avoid accidents. I’m teaching them to foster positive relationships. I’m teaching them about being healthy.

[Rainbow]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama

So what makes something GD for you? Is GD just a term for healthy communication and interaction? Do you consider the way you deal with people other than your children GD?

GD or PD is just a title to explain what part of the parenting spectrum I'm on. The word is much handier for those around me than for myself. I dont' really consider myself as "gentle disciplining" my kids when we talk through a problem, I just consider us communicating. So likewise I think of my interactions with teh rest of the world as communication.

As far as what it means to me- it means that I'm breaking social norms and being *gentle* in the upbringing of my kids. I guess i think of it as a noun- a thing. Not a verb or an action.

Will I always be focussed on teaching my kids about the world, and positive living? Hopefully by example yes- but obviously as they mature, so will our relationship.

[our veggie baby]

People seem to forget and disregard that the "discipline" in gentle discipline applies to both parties...

you may not feel like you are "disciplining" your children when you work through a problem---however, I personally feel that you are acting disciplined yourself (in the way we will call a dedicated athlete *disciplined*) in using the restraint, understanding, gentleness, respect etc to treat your child with respect...instead of what some people may do who aren't disciplined in their actions such as yell, punish, etc...

kwim?

[cmb123]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama

Oh, lots and lots of things. I’m teaching them to trust their instincts. I’m teaching them how to avoid accidents. I’m teaching them to foster positive relationships. I’m teaching them about being healthy.

Ok, so then why are these things you say you don't want to do when they get older?

[IdentityCrisisMama]

I don’t know. Right now, I’m feeing defensive and would like to take a break. It may well be that I could learn something from this thread but it needs to be a safe place to talk about this and I don’t feel that it is at this point.

Sorry to be dramatic.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama

Oh, lots and lots of things. I’m teaching them to trust their instincts. I’m teaching them how to avoid accidents. I’m teaching them to foster positive relationships. I’m teaching them about being healthy.

Originally Posted by cmb123

Ok, so then why are these things you say you don't want to do when they get older?

Because in the original context I simply said I want to move away from protecting them (doing the above things) to the extent that I do now.

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama

I most definitely want to eventually move away from redirection (and already have) and some of the other strategies, methods, and techniques of GD. Eventually, I feel I need to move away from protecting DC to the extent that I do now. I’d like to feel I can be more honest and straightforward with her as she gets older...

[cmb123]

Ah, I see. So you want to move away from the redirection you might do with a toddler, into a more age appropriate conversation?
If that's the case, I would still consider that GD. Your techniques may change as your child grows, but I think that parenting non-violently, and with respect for your children as people (not shaming , guilting etc..) is Gentle Discipline.

[monkey's mom]

Excellent thread, ICM! I don't have time right now, but I want to post later. I just want to offer a hug for you to feel less defensive and continue this discussion!