Non-Debate Thread: What is GD for you?

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Could we describe what GD is for *us*. I’m interested in the many different definitions on GD and it’s making me curious.

Without debating the posters before or after you, please share with me what GD means to you!

[IdentityCrisisMama]

For me, GD is a style of discipline that gently helps children learn to manage their own lives. GD also has a place in our life as a means to get through the reality of modern life with a child.

[annettemarie]

Hey, ICM- I think this is a great question.

I believe GD is easier defined by what it isn't than by what it is- non-violent, non-punitive, non-coercive (for the most part, there are always going to be exceptions).

I think it is definitely a continuum, and an ideal.

In our family, it has a lot to do with being family-centered, not neccesarily child-centered, in that we make decisions that are the best for the family (although, of course, many times these are child-centered decisions)

[guerrillamama]

I'm very very new to this, as ds is only 15 mo, and have only read on MDC about GD, haven't read any books about it yet.

But as I understand it, GD is one part of a continuum of how I want to treat and be treated by people I love and respect.

That means among other things:
* non violence
* mutual respect
* reading subtle nonverbal cues
* creative communication
* understanding where the other person is coming from

Umm... there's more but I'm drawing a blank.

I emphasize the fact that "discipline" means "teaching" and I mean that in a non-authoritarian way. For example, I have a very close friend who is older than me who has problems respecting boundaries of other people, especially women. When he has failed to respect my boundaries I have gently but firmly called him out on it and told him that's not ok in our relationship. I think that's GD. I think it's on the same continuum as me gently but firmly putting ds down when he bites me, to let him know that that's not ok in our relationship. But in neither situation would I want to yell, hit, shame, insult, guilt, demean, etc because they are both people I love.

The only discipline book I have read is Playful Parenting, and I don't know if that's considered GD or not, but Ireally like this book! I am very struck by the ideas of connection and creativity.

Yeah, creativity is definitely a big part of it. It seems like GD is the antithesis of just doing what you've always experienced or seen or been taught. It really requires thinking outside the box and dealing with each situation as its own thing.

I don't know if I'm making much sense. Will be interested to read what others say.

[Vermillion]

Well, first of all I need to say that I don't "discipline" my child, (mainly because I HATE the definition for discipline) but I suppose "GD" would be a label given to my parenting style.

That said... To me, GD is just treating my son with the respect and dignity that any other human being should be treated with.

I don't necessarily believe that there are any bad behaviors in children. Yes, there are most certainly behaviors that drive me batty, but they are necessary for development and not bad.

GD is more "discipline" for myself. Being self disciplined enough to remind myself that whatever my child is doing at the moment IS normal and that I need to respond to him gently, not to punish, but to guide him in the right direction so he can learn how to "behave" in certain situations.

We all make mistakes and "act out" and I know I don't want to be degraded for my lapses in good judgment, and the same goes for my son. I just view everything as a good opportunity to learn about different situations, and I don't believe that punishment fits into any kind of learning.


And that is basically it!

[surf mama]

I am still new to the term gentle discipline but it seems to fit what we have been doing and what we are working on.

My goal is to raise dd to be happy, confident, compassionate, and able to make decisions for herself.

Most of all I am working on handling conflict in a way that teaches dd to solve problems rather than to experience punishment.

I am learning to set only necessary boundaries. Letting her be a kid and finding creative ways to keep her safe without having to control her or fuss at her.

I am enjoying lightening the mood with humor as it makes all of us feel better.

I am respecting her development and timing for things....she recently starting sleeping thru most nights at 20 months....she self-weaned at 19 months and she still needs quite a bit of help to get to sleep (23mo). I don't force her to eat things she doesn't want, etc....

Gentle Discipline seems to be all about respect to me.

[FreeSpiritMama]

For me GD starts from birth by creating a nurturing, trusting and unconditionally loving bond. GD is about mutual love & respect, I do not demand respect but I do model it. It is seeing my child as being inately good and nurturing this whilst helping him to develop an inner discipline and compassion for himself and others. It is also about recognising, respecting and empathising with age appropriate understanding and behaviour - I try to meet my child where he is. GD is also fun, playful and creative enabling us to discipline in a way that leaves ds's dignity intact. I believe GD also enables ds to take ownership of problems in a constructive way.

[LoveBeads]

I'm racking my brains trying to think of something to add which would be as wise as what is already written. I haven't come up with anything yet! I think you all have said it better than I can.

[Rainbow]

It is a label that helps someone understand how our parenting differs from mainstream America.

I realize this is different for all families- for some it is simply a non-violent approach to traditional discipline.

We don't really use any punitive discipline, we figure that communication and the natural order of things will help them figure it out in the right time. If they can't handle X, then we don't do X until they reach the maturity to be able to comprehend and understand it- rather than trying to force change in their behaviour. Of course to varying degrees. I can't keep the two siblings from interacting, so they have to learn to positively interact. But we accept that "negative" behaviour requires change in ourselves as parents, new approaches, new words- not punishment or consequences for the child. I guess you could say we don't see it as being "bad" but as communication to us about their needs. The behaviour tells us there is a need not getting met that we need to approach. For example- biting might indicate a frustration with verbal ability and the need to assist more in communication "bridging" between the siblings.

So for our family it generally involves a lot of communication and flexibility. GD is simply the category that best helps others understand our gentle, non-violent parenting approach. I rarely think of GD as having a real active place in our lives. It is just a category we best fall into.

[our veggie baby]

For me GD starts from birth by creating a nurturing, trusting and unconditionally loving bond. GD is about mutual love & respect, I do not demand respect but I do model it. It is seeing my child as being inately good and nurturing this whilst helping him to develop an inner discipline and compassion for himself and others. It is also about recognising, respecting and empathising with age appropriate understanding and behaviour - I try to meet my child where he is. GD is also fun, playful and creative enabling us to discipline in a way that leaves ds's dignity intact. I believe GD also enables ds to take ownership of problems in a constructive way.

Perfectly said in my opinion.

I will also add, my interpretation of GD and general parenting philosophy is one of simply the golden rule. "Treat others as you would like to be treated."

Here is how I like to be treated:

I like to be loved, respected, acknowledged, and to feel safe. I feel I have a right of choice, a right to form boundries as it relates to my body, my "things", my spirit, who I choose to spend time with, who I don't. I like to be able to make my own decisions and to also take part in the decision making of my family. I like to teach people the things I know and be able to offer my perspective. Similarly, I love to learn, and seek out and benefit from people who have a new perspective, or knowledge or insights on things I want to learn more about. I don't like to be yelled at, refuse to be hit, I don't like to be disregarded, laughed out, exploited, punished, isolated, dragged to places I don't want to go, or told to do things I don't care to do. It makes me feel good to help people and I believe that most people have this quality and I believe children posess it as well.

Of course, no one is perfect, so mistakes will be made. It also must be taken into consideration of course, the developmental stage of the child, the understanding they have of concepts and ideas, and of course, safety must always be considered. In addition, consideration should also be taken in terms of modeling the behavior you wish to see, and also remembering that when people can't effectively communicate thier needs or wants (a young child for instance) they are more often to "act out"...which is why there is special consideration in terms of young children.

However, I believe at all times, children (or all humans for that matter) are either expressing something they NEED, or expressing a desire for something they WANT, and the two should be distinguished. To me, the needs should always be met (with your child)...and within reason, barring something unsafe to them, the hurting of others, extraordinary spending of money, or as a reward for an innapropriate act, or the breaking of laws---their wants should always be considered, discussed, respected, and/or fufilled.

That is what I desire from the people who claim to love me, that is what I plan on giving my daughter...again, with consideration to the fact that she is still "new around here" (in the world) and needs a bit more guidance and protection etc ...

That is basically what it means to me.

ETA: maybe what I say is more TCS (taking children seriously) which has been mentioned to me here...I am going to explore that...

[hunnybumm]

For me GD is and isn't certain things, so I will just list what is and isn't IMO.

Isn't:
-Any form of physical punishment - spaking, hitting, flicking, pinching, etc.
-Yelling or screaming.
-No purposeful guilt - I wouldn't tell my child something that I know would make them feel bad about themselves for doing a 'normal' childhood behavior.
-No verbal abuse - name calling, belitteling, teaseing in a manor where the child would feel bad about them selves.
-No 'time outs' in a seperate room - I think this makes the child feel like they are so horrible they dont deserve to be in the room with others.

Is:
-Gentle redirecting to avoid the child 'doing something wrong'.
-Explaining to the child why they can't do something and the consequences if they do it - aka if you throw that toy again then we have to go home.
-Telling the child how the act makes me, them, and others feel - ie it hurts Sally when you hit her, do you want her to be hurt? It makes me sad when other people are hurt.
-I feel it is ok to have a 'time out' with mommy, to the side of the play area, or alone if the child wants it. - aka making the child sit in a chair rather than playing with the other child if they keep repeating a negative act like hitting. Asking the child if they need some 'alone time' with mommy or 'alone time' by themselves in their room.

This is all I can think of right now.

My ultimite goal is to make my child(ren) self sufficent, happy, confident, well rounded children and adults. If my child feels respected they will respect others.

[mistymama]

Hmm, to me GD means GENTLY guiding and teaching my child appropriate behavior without any violence or yelling and by modeling how I want him to act.

I think the key word is GENTLE. I strive to be kind, patient and loving with him as much as possible.

[nicole lisa]

GD is changing for me and becoming much more than just discipline practice and I think that's because my son is changing so much right now and because we're growing. It is becoming less focused just on my son and starting to encompass how my partner and I view the world and how we hope our son grows to view the world. It's become very important in our decision to unschool. It may be starting to meld more into TCS.

With that in mind:

GD for me has always been about parenting mindfully. About being in the moment with my son as we move through our day and setting up our environment so he can freely explore and manipulate what he comes across. It's been about anticipating problems and removing them before a struggle between the two or three (DP, babe and I) of us breaks out. When he was younger it was about creating the environment that allowed him to do his work with the most ease - isn't that what we all need?

It's always been about acknowledging that I am not in control of him and struggling with the times I have had the urge to be. Acknowledging that he is his own person and when there are times he doesn't want to do something or doesn't get around to doing something (for whatever reason) he needs the same respect and understanding for who he is that I believe I and others deserve during similar times. It means I strive to treat him in a similar manner in which I desire and often demand to be treated.

I guess it all comes down to affording him the same things I wish to be afforded and not righting off his desires as insignificant due to his age. It means he is granted a voice in our family and we (my DP and I) are obligated to listen. Now that doesn't mean what he says goes, just as it doesn't for any one member of our family, but it does mean we all get to be heard - really heard and we all expect the others work at understanding what we are saying before agreeing or disagreeing.

It means that none of us are finished learning and we are all doing it together and we are all teaching each other.

It requires patience, humour, love, creativity, honesty and a lot of self reflection at times, but we're focued on the adult we're raising and wnat to make sure he grows into someone who isn't caught up in the pettiness we see in abundance in our world, someone who knows which battles are worth fighting for and which are small and hollow. Someone who doesn't have to spend a good deal of his adult life unlearning before learning again in order to have the life he desires.

[UnschoolnMa]

Great thread idea!

* Non violence.
* Respect is key
* Treating them how I wish to be treated
* Trust
* no punishment

[sunnmama]

Random thoughts on GD

For me, respect is paramount. Respecting dd's age and stage and pov. Trusting her good intentions. Helping her behave appropriately, rather than requiring her to do so.

GD means being on dc's side.

GD for me is teaching appropriate behavior, while respecting who dd is as a person. A huge portion of GD is modelling, imo. And the beauty of GD is, when dd does something inappropriate, my discipline teaches not informs about inappropriate behavior, but also models how people can work to get along together.

GD is Socialization 101