When what he wants is attention....

[Denise K]

So after we spend an hour sitting together reading books and cuddling, DS is playing happily alone with his toy phone and I sit down to sew, still chatting with him now and then. About 2 minutes, and he's trying to yank the buttonholer switch, unlock the throat plate, etc--basically sabotaging my work, and refusing to acknowledge my reiterating the rules about the sewing machine.

What do you do with this situation? I think what he wants is for me to stop sewing and pay exclusive attention to him. But really, I can only sustain that for so many hours straight, and I think it's better for both of us to have some independent but still connected time. I'm concerned that it seems like ANY response I make in this situation--sit down and talk, cuddle, lecture--is giving him attention, which is what he wants, and I don't want him to be encouraged to get attention by this method.

Don't freak out on me, please. I realize that what I just said is straight out of the part of my brain that tells me I ought to slap his hands. I just can't figure out what to do. I do NOT want to spend all day looking at him, I'm not going to be violent with him, and I don't want the sewing machine broken. Time out stuff doesn't work for us--he refuses to stay anywhere unless I am holding him down, and we decided that was a bad plan. I feel like I am backed into a corner in these situations.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

I think lots of us have been where you are ~ trying to encourage our child to play without our attention. It’s hard, I know.

What I would suggest is to focus on trying to encourage a longer time for playing without you attention.

Your child is almost 4?

What about play dates?

Is his play space nice and organized? I’m not an organization freak by any stretch of the imagination but I do find it helps DC play.

Could you arrange for some special toys that come out when you’re working?

[our veggie baby]

I would suggest finding something that really holds his attention and something he really enjoys, maybe something very special, like the above poster mentioned, that come out only when you are working that he can look forward to...that was a great suggestion, shoot, maybe he will even WANT you to sew if the toy is fun enough and only comes out then....you may not be THAT lucky though! lol...

Also, you may also have to resign to the fact that right now anyway, you may only be able to work when he is otherwise engaged with another person---your partner, a play date, a relative who can watch him etc...and accept that while you want to be able to work in peace, you may not be able to without resorting to the things you don't want to do (yell, slap etc) which you say aren't an option anyway and in my humble opinion would only "work" temporarily and make him resent your sewing even more...

It is a hard phase and I do feel for you...I do hope it gets better....does he nap at all still? I see he is about 4 so that may not be an option, but if so, I would utilize any nap or rest time to work too...

Good luck to you!!

[nicole lisa]

I think that need for attention comes and goes, and because I've found it cyclical I've always decided to just give in for the duration. My DS went through this quite a bit just after he turned four, and it hasn't stifled his ability to play independently in the long run. Right now he spends most of his time in independent play and just checks in with me if I'm in another room every once in a while.

Someone once told me that kids need to feel like you are potentially available to them, so the minute you start something that takes all your focus away from them they will try to get it back, just to see if you are available. After hearing that I decided every time my son started acting out for attention (his big thing was when I was on the phone he would press the hang up, or go to another phone and yell into it, or start climbing on the table etc) I would just let whoever I was talking with know it wasn't a good time and I would call back later. Then I would turn to my son, pick him up and snuggle him and ask him what he'd like to do. After a couple of weeks of this he stopped needing me when I was on the phone. I think he just grew out of it or realized it didn't matter what I was doing if he needed me I would be there.

HTH,
Nicole.

[Denise K]

Good ideas. thanks.

We're going thru a transition right now where I am more of a solo SAHM and Dh is gone more consistently--after all being sick for awhile and all being home, and also winter is a slow work season for DH. So I think I'm hitting a lot of walls with ds becasue I'm trying to figure out how to stay sane when we have only each other for so many hours straight. Some days we have play dates (unfortunately not restful for me because I'm in high gear for keeping DS from mauling other kids, but it does get us out of the house), some days I work with dh and my mom has him--so it seems like it will be OK once we settle in. I think I'm panicking at the lack of me-time.

OK, and you are saying, nicole lisa, that if I give him attention at these times it won't make him way worse to live with? that is a scary idea to me, but I'm thinking about it. If it's true, it would free me to do what I know he needs, without fear of creating worse problems....

And boy do I wish he still napped.... I would give a lot. Even if I "had to" nap with him.

Today was a little easier. We had some company. Being sick so long trashed our social lives.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

No, I don’t think that giving him attention at these times will make him more needy, per say. However, my child tends to ‘take a mile’ and I really have to help her to play so that she doesn’t feel that she needs the focus of everyone available.

One simple thing to do is to find a time of day where your child ‘rhythmically’ seems to want more private play and encourage that time. For DC that time is the mornings. Ways to encourage private play would be for you to find an activity for you to do that doesn’t frustrate him or draw his attention away from his play. The computer is a no-no for us (as would the sewing machine and I know people have problems with the telephone) but straightening up the house, reading a book (not too engrossing), laundry and cooking are examples of things that actually seem encourage DC to play alone. The key would be that it’s somewhat uninteresting for your child yet not too engrossing for you.

Also, try to not interrupt him when he’s finally playing. My DC does a lot of pretend play and is a little embarrassed if she knows I’m listening. She actually wants privacy once she’s in the grove. One last tip, when he’s finished playing…give him attention right away. Helping him clean up is a nice idea (although not something do often enough) Maybe save a special project or a nice lunch for when he’s finished. In other words, be careful not to ‘take a mile’ yourself…this is advice from my personal ‘issues’.


I also wanted to say that DD plays alone pretty well but it’s always a battle for us to get back to that during a long visit with friends, holidays and stuff. Even a long weekend can get us out of our routine.

Just start slow, try to get into a rhythm by working *with* your child, yk?

Good luck, I’ve been there.

[candiland]

I've been dealing with this sort of thing for five years now... my dd is five and my ds is almost 3.

I've found that the only thing that remedies these situations is to create definitive boundaries and stick to them. It's taken me five years to realize that "no discipline" wasn't working for us.... I was finally having breakdowns because I was too exhausted to be energetic and creative with my discipline all the time and my kids and their behavior was totally out of control because of this. If you do have that kind of energy/personality then disregard the rest of this message.

I would start out by explaining the groundrules during your work time. "Here are three cool activities you have to choose from..." and offer a quiet activity, like reading, a creative activity (playing dolls or horses, for instance), and something like blocks or whatever your child is into. Explain how you need x amount of time and set the timer. Explain when the timer goes off you're all his.

Give a warning, then a set consequence. It will be hard at first, but I know my kids needed to realize that adults are human and have needs that need to be respected, too. I've been really firm these past two weeks and their behavior has tremendously improved. They're in a good mood most of the time now, which tells me something wasn't right before. And I'm sane enough to be a good, happy mom now that I am respected as a person.

Good luck!

[nicole lisa]

Denise K,

You've gotten a few different ideas for creating a solution which will work for both you and your DC. It's hard to have a spouse away more often, and you need to make sure that you're getting down time, whether during the day or in the evening, to do stuff just for you. That's key.

You know, every kids is different, but I have found that really tuning into and listening to DS when he's letting me know he needs me has had the opposite effect of what most people around us predicted: instead of becoming a child who always needs interaction and attention from me; someone who always has to be "on"; he has become quite an independent kid. I think, for him, he uses those times when he's acting out to get my full attention and re-fuel, if that makes sense. I do believe children are born either extroverted or introverted (not in the personality sense, but whether they draw their energy from within or without) and my son is definitely an introvert in this respect. So I do think whether or not I gave him full attention when he asked for it, he was always going to be a child who likes his alone time.

(oh, and his ability to play well independently doesn't translate into him being a docile child, in case you're worried my theory has nothing to do with your child. This is a kid who is always being commented on from strangers on the street and our GP and his nurse: he's a runner and very active. But he does have time each day where he wants to re-charge and play alone - though even that usually entails somethig physical.)

[Denise K]

Thanks some more.

I was talking with my mom today, and asking how she got done what she did when we were little (clean house, etc), and she said 2 kids close in age, played together a lot and didn't need her quite as much. Also she said I (the older) liked to play alone a lot even when I was very little. We also talked about my cousins' kids and how even in one family there will be one kid who needs his mom interacting all the time, and one who plays in the other room, happy in her own world.

this helped me with a couple of things--feeling like a failure compared to my mom, ( ) and realizing that DS maybe is not only high energy and intense, but also more of a play-with-me kid than some, and an only child (so far)--so I guess it helps me respect that he has different needs than I had, or than some other kid might. And also respect that that is HARD for me, major introvert mom.

thanks, candiland, for bringing up the possible positive role of laying down the law.... Right now I think I need to reserve my strong limits for more drastic problems (attacking the cat, biting people), but it is very important for me to have that time of my own. For now I think I want to try to make things flow easier than that...I like trying to find and reinforce a pattern.... and make myself take some alone time after bedtime :yawning: instead of always talking with dh or going to sleep.

[nicole lisa]

What a great follow up, Denise! I'm glad you talked with your mom and, also, that you have a plan you're working on to give yourself the time you need. I really think that's the hardest part of parenting; finding time for yourself to be yourself.

Good luck!
Nicole.