Yesterday DS (17 months) and I were playing on the back deck with a basin of water and a plastic cup. He was having a fabulous time, but then he went to stick the cup through the railing and was about to drop it. Backstory--the day before he had been dropping toys off the deck at my SIL's house and enjoying himself and I wasn't paying that much attention, but then SIL said, "It's okay that he's doing that right now but I'm going to want him to learn not to...because I'm the one who's going to end up picking them all up." I hadn't even thought about that 
mainly because her kids' toys are always scattered all over the house and yard anyway, but really why should she have to pick up more? So DS and I went down to the yard with a basket and made a game of picking them all up.
So anyway, back to yesterday, when he was about to toss his plastic cup off the deck, I felt like I needed to stop him from that behavior. My gut reaction in similar situations up until now has been to either remove the object being used inappropriately (the cup) or remove DS from the situation (i.e., go inside). Both of which I realized were guaranteed to make him scream and be very frustrating for both of us. I did take the cup from him just long enough to put on my Gentle Discipline cap and think about other scenarios I've read about on here. Then I told him, "It looks like you really want to throw things off the deck. I wonder if there is something here that would be okay to throw." And as soon as I said it, I saw--there were hundreds of little twigs and clumps of pine needles all around us. I picked up one and showed DS while I tossed it down. He laughed and picked up one after another and tossed them. He amused himself for quite some time doing that. Every now and then he would turn his attention back to the cup and want to throw it, but I would gently guide him back to the twigs and pine needles. We really had a fun time together.
I was so proud of myself for turning a "no" moment into a "yes"! For teaching DS an acceptable behavior instead of simply disciplining him for an unacceptable behavior. And it finally clicked with me why (I think) some of you mamas don't "punish." In that situation if I had gone my usual route (taking the cup or taking DS inside) all he would have learned was that anyone bigger and more powerful than him can stop his fun anytime.
I grew up in a violently abusive home and while I would never spank, I have really struggled to figure out exactly how to deal with challenging behaviors. I just want to say thanks to all the mamas here for the wonderful advice you give.
mainly because her kids' toys are always scattered all over the house and yard anyway, but really why should she have to pick up more? So DS and I went down to the yard with a basket and made a game of picking them all up.So anyway, back to yesterday, when he was about to toss his plastic cup off the deck, I felt like I needed to stop him from that behavior. My gut reaction in similar situations up until now has been to either remove the object being used inappropriately (the cup) or remove DS from the situation (i.e., go inside). Both of which I realized were guaranteed to make him scream and be very frustrating for both of us. I did take the cup from him just long enough to put on my Gentle Discipline cap and think about other scenarios I've read about on here. Then I told him, "It looks like you really want to throw things off the deck. I wonder if there is something here that would be okay to throw." And as soon as I said it, I saw--there were hundreds of little twigs and clumps of pine needles all around us. I picked up one and showed DS while I tossed it down. He laughed and picked up one after another and tossed them. He amused himself for quite some time doing that. Every now and then he would turn his attention back to the cup and want to throw it, but I would gently guide him back to the twigs and pine needles. We really had a fun time together.
I was so proud of myself for turning a "no" moment into a "yes"! For teaching DS an acceptable behavior instead of simply disciplining him for an unacceptable behavior. And it finally clicked with me why (I think) some of you mamas don't "punish." In that situation if I had gone my usual route (taking the cup or taking DS inside) all he would have learned was that anyone bigger and more powerful than him can stop his fun anytime.
I grew up in a violently abusive home and while I would never spank, I have really struggled to figure out exactly how to deal with challenging behaviors. I just want to say thanks to all the mamas here for the wonderful advice you give.
Good for you!
