Personality Disorders - dealing

[The Duchess]

Watch out this is pretty long winded!

I am starting this thread as I have had an epiphany in recent years regarding personality disorders. The story is that I usually have successful friendships that last many years and are mutually supportive. In the last few years however I had a couple of friendships that became very strange, to the point where I would dread the person calling or turning up at my door. Yet I found it very hard to put my finger on exactly what the problem was. Well, my sense of myself and my own boundaries were clear enough that I recognized when finally these "friendships" were really becoming unhealthy and both times I ended the friendship and just said "I'm sorry this is not working for me anymore I cannot remain friends."

However other than my DH I didn't discuss the details of these friendships with anyone as I consider myself a confidential and loyal person and I didn't think it was appropriate to be criticizing others - I was putting it down to personal chemistry that didn't work out.

Well I finally became enlightened during a conversation with a very dear friend. She had come to visit me as my youngest DD was very ill and receiving chemotherapy. I was feeling so stressed that I finally confided in her (as I consider her so trustworthy) that the recent breakup of one of these friendships was causing me more stress than my poor darling DD being in the hospital! It was because the woman in question would not accept the fact that I had ended the friendship - she kept writing to me and leaving stuff in my mailbox and outside my front door. Now my DD was ill she seemed to see that as an "in" in that I would need her and she just wouldn't leave me alone - even though I totally ignored her. Finally we met at a park by chance and she tried to embrace me and I realised she just was never going to hear NO unless I treated her the way she treated me. I went up to her and clearly said close to her face "I have no desire to be friends and that means, no letters, no mail, no gifts, no calls." And then I took my children and left.

My good friend who came to visit, instead of treating me like I was an unkind weirdo said "have you ever heard of Nassicisstic Personality Disorder?" She urged me to look it up on the internet.

Well, it was incredible! By reading about this and other Personality Disorders, especially Borderline Personality Disorder I just felt like crying EUREKA!!! It was incredible, all these bizarre behaviors that I had been subjected to were written down in black and white, with many stories from friends and relatives who attempt to relate to people with these disorders. All the stories were the same! All the symptoms were the same! It was amazing. Almost everyone described knowing something was very wrong but "not quite being able to put their finger on it". I should mention that I am not saying that I am diagnosing ex-friends here! I can't say what the story is with them and their lives but it was an incredible freeing experience to finally realize lots of very malformed patterns of relating.

I am wondering if anyone has heard of these disorders or if you have someone in your life that is incredibly difficult to relate to - you may want to look into these disorders for YOUR own sanity!

Symptoms are that often they will fall into a pattern of idolizing people and putting them on a pedestal and then having to tear them down. So they will seem like they are obsessed with having you in their lives and yet they seem to want to undermine, criticise and break you down at the same time.

Often they are extremely charming, intelligent and fun to be around - and yet slowly you will discover everything is always about them. You might realize for example that you know EVERYTHING about their lives and they could not tell you anything about your life. They are not really remotely interested. You function to support their ego, not as someone in your own right. In fact if you start asserting yourself as different from them or not agreeing with them or interested in them they will become incredibly angry: RAGE is the word. The smallest thing can tap into a reservoir of rage just beneath the surface.

I had to end one friendship after my "friend" came to a family function and behaved in the most incredibly rude and angry fashion, even though everyone present was mystified as to the reason. I tried to excuse her bahavior in my mind by thinking she MUST be under the most incredible stress to behave like that, but she explained to me later that no, in fact she had come there specifically to "punish" me for some incredibly bizarre and convoluted reason (mainly that my DH and I had not chnged the dates of a couple of family functions to suit her schedule!).

Personality Disorders are not regular dealing with anxiety and depression like many of us have struggled with. These disorders are long standing. These people have a long history of broken relationships, they are very controlling, and their behavior is directed at others, they try and make others responsible for their emotional lives. Their behavior will seem illogical, childish and revengful and extremely manipulative. You will stop feeling free to be yourself but instead will feel trapped and this relationship will be causing you anxiety, even while this person apparently really wants to be with you and have you around.

Please excuse this long post! I obviously needed to get that off my chest!

[artgoddess]

Duchess, I hear you. It can be so freeing to read that you are not the only one who feels this way when dealing with a personality disorder. My mother has a Borderline Personality Disorder. Okay let me qualify that. She has never been diagnosed by a therapist that I know of. However, after hearing the stories, my therapist said she felt I should read up about it, because it seemed to her that my mother has BPD. I already knew something about it because a very good friend of mine had recomended I look into it years earlier. The friends mom has a narscisistic (so spelled wrong!) disorder and thought my mom was close. Then the capper was when I was talking to my oldest best friend about it. This life long friend has known my mother intimately for 25 years, since we were in the 4th grade. She has seen all sides of my mom, not just the great front she puts up for company. And this dear friend is a clinical psychologist. So I guess her diagnosis is probably more accurate than any therapist my mom may see, since she has known her for years.

I highly recomend the book Stop Walking On Eggshells for anyone dealing with a borderline personality in a loved one.

[Nature]

I myself am diagnosed with BPD. I've done a lot of work and steps to heal myself. Compared to 5 years ago, I'm a totally different person. I found information about it, and knew that was my problem in life. My therapist agreed with me. And that started 4 long years of work to fix things that were not my fault to begin with. Those who are dx'd with it feel those same feelings of Eureka! as well. Its comforting to finally know *why* things hurt inside so much.

I can't say that Stop Walking on Eggshells is my favorite book, but its written for "the other people" so its hard for me to get a different perspective on it. There are parts in there that I definatly disagree with, but then there are chapters in it that are very good and helpful. I would reccomend "Lost in the Mirror" and "I hate you, don't leave me" as two good books to really see how BPD feels to the person that has it.

I do need to say one thing in regards to this, "Personality Disorders are not regular dealing with anxiety and depression like many of us have struggled with. These disorders are long standing. These people have a long history of broken relationships, they are very controlling, and their behavior is directed at others, they try and make others responsible for their emotional lives. Their behavior will seem illogical, childish and revengful and extremely manipulative. You will stop feeling free to be yourself but instead will feel trapped and this relationship will be causing you anxiety, even while this person apparently really wants to be with you and have you around."

Personality Disorders come in many shapes and sizes. Some of them closely resemble each other, and some couldn't be further apart. Not only that, but the symptoms and behaviors that one person has with a particular disorder can vary *greatly* from a different person with the same disorder. Yes, there can be patterns and similar symptoms, but not for everyone. Thats like saying that *everyone* gets upset stomach, nausea, and vomiting after taking an antibiotic. Its a range of symptoms that are *possible* not gaurenteed. I just had a problem with the OP stating the symptoms like they are fact.

I know you just wanted to vent, and that okay. I just wanted to clarify for anyone that might not know what Borderline Personality is, that the things you mentioned are possible but not nessasarily proof of BPD or even a personality disorder.

[The Duchess]

WitchyMama2 - Thank you. You are right, as you can tell from the length of my post that was just one long major vent . You're also right about my comments on "symptoms". To be honest I was casting my mind back and trying to remember all the stuff I read and the symptoms that stood out and that I remembered and it was extremely unscientific, random and unreliable.

I apologize. I really was interested in hearing other peoples experiences unfortunately my venting got the better of me as this whole issue is something I have not talked about openly with many people. I was very interested in reading your post. I also remember that there are many different personality disorders with very different presentations. As you can tell I was focussing of one person and in my ranting, universalizing.

Do you know any reasons why people develop BPD?

[annakiss]

Moved to Mental Health...

[Nature]

Originally Posted by The Duchess

Do you know any reasons why people develop BPD?

People with BPD are born with an innate biological tendency to react more intensely to lower levels of stress than others and to take longer to recover. They peak higher emotionally and take a longer time to come down from that. Essentially, they are more sensitive then others.

Also, people with BPD were raised in environments in which their beliefs about themselves and their environment were continually devalued and invalidated. People with BPD almost always come from an abusive home in some way, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional neglect or abuse.

Borderlines don't know how they feel really, because growing up they were never allowed to "be" a certain way. They learned to have a gaurd up all the time against the emotional attacks. When you are constantly degraded or invalidated...its hard to ever see yourself as something better. The old saying "If you hear it enough, you'll start to believe it" does ring true.

Most borderlines are chamellions. They don't truelly know who they are, what they like for music, their favorite color, etc.. so they adapt to whoever they are around. For example, all my life my favorite music was whoever I was in a relationship with. If anyone asked me I just said, "Oh all kinds." But inside, I didn't really know! Same thing with my favorite color. And if the boyfriend I was with said, "Green?? You like green?? Thats such a gross color." Well by golly, then I didn't like green anymore!

DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) is a wonderful treatment for BPD. Though a long time ago they said that there was no cure for it, there is. I don't think you can ever truelly get the diagnosis away, but you can learn to live your life better and relate to others in a way that is not damaging to yourself or your relationships. Its a lot of work, but it can be done! I've been a "recovered BPD" for about 2 years now.

I recommend this website to learn more about BPD. Remember though that its written as a support to BPD suffers, so it might not be as harsh about them as the BPD Central site is (which is made as a support for people who love someone with BPD)

Anyway, I hope that helps a little. Oh and no need apologise! I knew you were venting.

[The Duchess]

Witchymama2 - y'know this thread is having a great effect on me. Getting the vent out the way is helping me bring some balance into my thoughts. It's obvious that I had plenty to spew because I felt so hurt by the experience. It was very difficult to be attracted to someone as a friend and them so apparently interested in me as a person and yet to have to eventually concede that despite the intensity of their interest it was having a destructive impact on me.

The whole experience lead to some deep examination on my part and continues to be a significant learning experience.

Thankyou for your words about the family situation that people with BPD come from. Near the end of our friendship my "friend" asked me to come to her place for a talk. Her husband was a witness as we sat at their dining table and talked. During this encounter what seemed an apparent small issue produced what I can only describe as full on raging in my friend. As I was sitting listening I suddenly had a kind of out of body experience when I suddenly realized "This is not about me" the reaction was so strong to the circumstances I knew that something much deeper, with a much longer history was producing the response.

Many things that she said to me during the time we knew each other struck me as poignant. She was always hinting about ways I could improve almost every area of my life and yet one time in conversation she said "the difference between you and me is that you are happy." She seemed almost fascinated with me and yet very angry with me at the same time.

I wondered if you had any comments?

[Nature]

Idealizing and devaluing. Black and white thinking. For the BPD there is no "grey" area in life. Its either all or nothing.

Your friend liked you a lot and you could tell that. I'll bet she was very open and engaging, almost charming at first. Wanted to spend a lot of time with you. Looked up to you. But you are human and humans mess up, be it big or small. Somewhere along the way, your friend percieved that you slighted her somehow. It might not have been earth shattering to most people, and you may not even remember anything. A phone call you forgot to return? A look of disapproval you gave her? Running out of time while talking and needing to cut your visit short? Cancelling plans even because of an emergency? Dissagreeing about...anything?

To the person with BPD, once you have done something to slight them.. they feel the need to pull away and distance you. To them, you have done something that made them feel invalidated. And they know all too well what that feels like. So they get mad. Defensive. They might shut you out. They might have intense hatred towards you. And for something that seems so small, it could be an all out war in which things that happens eons ago again get brought up. The BPD is like an emotional hemophiliac. Once you tap into an emotion, be it good or bad... they cannot control how fast it comes out. They lack the "clotting" mechinism that most people have to regulate their moods.

After awhile, and usually for no aparent reason.. the person with BPD will again love you to pieces. Its why the book was aptly named, "I hate you, don't leave me!"

The clinginess of the BPD when they are happy with you, and the intense need to not be alone, stems from the fact that they lack the ability to recall feelings and memories that made them feel secure and happy. Perhaps you can remember if you had a special blanket or stuffed animal as a child? Most people with BPD cannot ever remember having any transisitional objects. Its not that they didn't have any, but simply that they cannot remember them. The same holds true for relationships that they are in now, friendships, or anything else pleasurable. When they cannot see it physically, its almost as if it never existed. They yearn to fill that void again and it can only be filled by seeing the person again and again. Its never enough to sustain them because in essense, their cup never fills up all the way.

Much of the BPD's exsistance is filled with push-pull situations.

[Potty Diva]

Originally Posted by WitchyMama2

People with BPD are born with an innate biological tendency to react more intensely to lower levels of stress than others and to take longer to recover. They peak higher emotionally and take a longer time to come down from that. Essentially, they are more sensitive then others.

Also, people with BPD were raised in environments in which their beliefs about themselves and their environment were continually devalued and invalidated. People with BPD almost always come from an abusive home in some way, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional neglect or abuse.

Borderlines don't know how they feel really, because growing up they were never allowed to "be" a certain way. They learned to have a gaurd up all the time against the emotional attacks. When you are constantly degraded or invalidated...its hard to ever see yourself as something better. The old saying "If you hear it enough, you'll start to believe it" does ring true.

Most borderlines are chamellions. They don't truelly know who they are, what they like for music, their favorite color, etc.. so they adapt to whoever they are around. For example, all my life my favorite music was whoever I was in a relationship with. If anyone asked me I just said, "Oh all kinds." But inside, I didn't really know! Same thing with my favorite color. And if the boyfriend I was with said, "Green?? You like green?? Thats such a gross color." Well by golly, then I didn't like green anymore!

DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) is a wonderful treatment for BPD. Though a long time ago they said that there was no cure for it, there is. I don't think you can ever truelly get the diagnosis away, but you can learn to live your life better and relate to others in a way that is not damaging to yourself or your relationships. Its a lot of work, but it can be done! I've been a "recovered BPD" for about 2 years now.

I recommend this website to learn more about BPD. Remember though that its written as a support to BPD suffers, so it might not be as harsh about them as the BPD Central site is (which is made as a support for people who love someone with BPD)

Anyway, I hope that helps a little. Oh and no need apologise! I knew you were venting.

Witchymama, I think I love you. THIS is me!!!!!! I don't have anything to add, but it is me!!! How could you have stated everything that I think I feel?

It is where I came from. I mean. my dad...always said "you don't have any friends" but I thought I did, logically I knew I had at least ONE friend. My relationships always end bitterly. Why? I couldn't tell you.

And now..I fear my marriage will end the same way. it is terrifying, but at the same time, I couldn't care less. I think I am more afraid of what people will think of me if it ends, rather than the real consequences. I also can cast things and peopel off witout so much as a tear. But, I do care about people, humanity, the world, children...I'm so torn all the time. When you said :they don't know how they feel" that hit right on the money with me. I don't know what I am supposed ot feel is really more accurate. Ya know?

Dag, I could go on and on forever. I would love to talk with you more about this.

On a funny note...I went looking for informatio nabout my mother in laws crazy behavior and ended up at a Borderline personality site and was shocked to read so many of the symptoms that fit me!

Oh, and one thing that drives me nuts... I feel guilty all the time. Like I am lying. When asked a question and when I give the honest answer. I still feel guilty! Like the person asking it thinks I am lying. Weird, eh?

[The Duchess]

Another thing that I noticed about my friend was that she was very competitive. I didn't really respond as it made me very uncomfortable. Even with things with the children, you couldn't mention anything about them without her putting it in a competitive context.

Is that common with BPD?

[artgoddess]

Originally Posted by The Duchess

Another thing that I noticed about my friend was that she was very competitive. I didn't really respond as it made me very uncomfortable. Even with things with the children, you couldn't mention anything about them without her putting it in a competitive context.

Is that common with BPD?

Yep, but it's not really coming from a competative place emotionally for them. BPD's see in black or white, all or nothing, and when it come to people the term "splitting" applies. That means one person, or child is good, so the other must be bad. It's hard for BPD's to see two people (or kids) as good and worthy at the same time. If your child does something worth bragging about even if it's something small and just a cute story, your friend may feel the need to "defend" her own kids, and it comes accross as competition.

[Nature]

Originally Posted by artgoddess

If your child does something worth bragging about even if it's something small and just a cute story, your friend may feel the need to "defend" her own kids, and it comes accross as competition.

Exactly! I really couldn't have explained it any better!

[Nature]

Originally Posted by Potty Diva

Witchymama, I think I love you. THIS is me!!!!!! I don't have anything to add, but it is me!!! How could you have stated everything that I think I feel?
Oh, and one thing that drives me nuts... I feel guilty all the time. Like I am lying. When asked a question and when I give the honest answer. I still feel guilty! Like the person asking it thinks I am lying. Weird, eh?

:LOL Because I'm BPD! Once you get yourself all figured out, its pretty easy to spot tendancies in others.

Do you feel a sense of relief and awe at being able to see yourself so clearly in things that you didn't write? I've been there! Just browsing the net one day, years ago..I fell into a website about BPD and suddenly I knew that all those feelings and confusion I had all my life were because of something! It was incredibly freeing for awhile. Then I got very caught up in "being my diagnosis." I no longer felt the need to fix anything in my life because, now it had a reason. I used it to justify behaviors, and make myself feel better. I never had a group to belong to! I never fit in anywhere, and now I can fit in! I gradually moved away from that attitude, to one of wanting to *live* my life instead of just going through the motions. I decided to rebell against the idea that Borderlines could never be cured. And if theres anything that I *can* make good on, its a good dare!

From then on, my life has never been the same. I took a whole new outlook. First confused, pain, and complete "in the dark" about things, to finding out why and how, to knowing I wasn't alone at all! To fitting in and finding confort in others... to freedom of that little box that is a diagnosis. To recognizing things that were hurting me, or others and vowing to change them one by one.

I still have bad days here and there, but my life hasn't just gotten better. Its never been this good! Period!

Feeling guilty is something I struggle with everyday. Things I shouldn't feel guilty about at all. Feelings other people have that I can't control. Like, if my dh is grumpy and having a bad day, I feel the need to fix it. I literally cannot stand peoples upset feelings. It feels like they are upset at me personally and it causes an ache in my stomach thats hard to explain.

My 6 year old daughter is going through the same guilty feelings you are. When someone asks her if she did something, "Did you break that?" she answers honestly. "No I didn't" But if you ask her again just to "make sure" she's telling the truth, she will answer differently. "Yes, I did." Why does she do this? Because her biological father (we have 50/50 custody) doesn't believe her when she says something. No matter how many times she tells the truth, he still corners her demanding the truth. So she had adapted by just coming out and admitting to things that she has never done. To her, his devaluing of her feelings and thoughts is more hurtful than any punishment for whatever it is she supposedly did. This guilty, hurt feeling she gets immediatly causes her to "fess up" to anything to avoid feeling that way.

No one knows the *exact* cause of BPD. Its said to be another form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is why most who are diagnosed with BPD are also diagnosed PTSD. What they do know is, the large majority of people who have it have been sexually abused in some way, neglected or abused, or seperated from their primary attachment figure early on in life. Living in an environment that is very devaluing and invalidating is a form of abuse.

[Breathless Wonder]

And I could see perfectionism developing as a coping mechanism.

[The Duchess]

I know my friend was often struggling emotionally, she didn't really tell me what was really going on as when she was with me she was usually "up" but her dh was constantly giving pretty strong hints and comments.

She was high functioning, a professional with her own succesful business. However, staff turnover was extremely high and anyone that did work with her long term she had intense emotional battles with which she would relate to me in detail. I feel for anyone with BPD because it appears so exhausting.

The one thing that I gradually noticed and which I guess inclines me to think she may have a PD is that she has a difficult time reading other people emotionally. She would often relate an incident with a stranger or an acquaintance which ended with the other person obviously confused, pissed off with her, irritated, angry etc. and she was completly mystified why and how it happened. I often thought as I listened "I know why" but I knew I couldn't say a word without triggering some kind of huge emotional reaction (fury, self-blame, shame,). To be honest I knew I would be wasting my breath.

Related to this therefore is she genuinely had no understanding often of others emotional response which I find heartbreaking. She was like an innocent abroad. It was a very strange combination of very intense demands and expectations of others of what she wanted and needed and yet often offending and alienating the very people she was trying to connect to due to her inability to understand their emotions. :

[Nature]

Originally Posted by The Duchess

The one thing that I gradually noticed and which I guess inclines me to think she may have a PD is that she has a difficult time reading other people emotionally. She would often relate an incident with a stranger or an acquaintance which ended with the other person obviously confused, pissed off with her, irritated, angry etc. and she was completly mystified why and how it happened. I often thought as I listened "I know why" but I knew I couldn't say a word without triggering some kind of huge emotional reaction (fury, self-blame, shame,). To be honest I knew I would be wasting my breath.

Related to this therefore is she genuinely had no understanding often of others emotional response which I find heartbreaking. She was like an innocent abroad. It was a very strange combination of very intense demands and expectations of others of what she wanted and needed and yet often offending and alienating the very people she was trying to connect to due to her inability to understand their emotions. :

This is something that I have not had experience with. In fact, I've always been very in tune with how people feel. I might think an encounter went negativly due to low self esteem and always thinking the worst, but I knew if what I did affected people. Sometimes even before they knew! LOL

Perhaps this is one of those things not all BPD people have trouble with?

[The Duchess]

Well first it tells me I should not be trying to diagnose anyone . Also I do think my friend was very concerned about emotions, her own and others and she was very aware of emotion in the air, I guess often her interpretations were seriously off. But we worked at our relationship for a pretty long time so there was obviously enough emotion that she shared and understood that we ever able to connect.

We had some good times, she has a great sense of humor and is smart so we had many very interesting conversations. She also does care very much about others and I think she beats herself up an awful lot, not that she ever said that, but by her reactions sometimes that is what I gleaned.

It was particularly with people she had just met or didn't know very well that misunderstandings or whatever they were were more likely to occur. I think she rubbed people the wrong way without realizing it. She has a tendency, for example to be confrontational immediately or very intense or insistent, which would provoke a negative reaction from others. However, I don't think she is aware how intense and negative she can appear - so there would be confusion.

Our friendship lasted for as long as it did also because I was not listening to my own reactions. As I mentioned I kept thinking something wasn't right but I would not listen to my own interior voice for whatever reason. I am pretty much a "live and let live" type so I kept putting my concerns down to the fact that she was eccentric or trying to say "so what?" to myself. Since this friendship ended I have examined why I was not listening to my own intuition.

Part of her personality needed to be at the center of attention at all times. I really started to recognize that, because I noticed she was even willing for the attention to be negative so long as she didn't feel that she was just on the sidelines. She also always felt that she was an exception to every rule, that she and her circumstances were unique and she would always appeal for special treatment. She also said quite proudly that she was an exhibitionist. To some extent she was aware of her own emotional intensity because as she would say when she got that way with her dh he would say she was a PBFH (Psycho Bitch From Hell) which she would laugh about. She said it was a verb in her family because he would say 'Watch out, you're PBFHing".

When one new partner left her firm after about six months I asked her why and she said "Because I was a total bitch to her".

[Nature]

Originally Posted by The Duchess

It was particularly with people she had just met or didn't know very well that misunderstandings or whatever they were were more likely to occur. I think she rubbed people the wrong way without realizing it. She has a tendency, for example to be confrontational immediately or very intense or insistent, which would provoke a negative reaction from others. However, I don't think she is aware how intense and negative she can appear - so there would be confusion.

Ah yes..that sounds a lot like me. :LOL For example, anyone who is in a position of authority hates me instantly because I am not the type of person to just follow orders without asking questions. I research information and learn about things. So to them this is seen as confrontational. When in reality it isn't. They are just not used to people going against the grain. LOL

I'm glad that you were able to use this as a sort of learning experience for you. Know that your friendship more than likely *did* mean a lot to her, she is just needs to work on her interpersonal effectiveness. Thats the key to leading a much better life with BPD, or even without a formal diagnosis at all. Learning to deal with people, and maintain boundaries is someone a lot of people need work on.

[Potty Diva]

Originally Posted by The Duchess

Well first it tells me I should not be trying to diagnose anyone . Also I do think my friend was very concerned about emotions, her own and others and she was very aware of emotion in the air, I guess often her interpretations were seriously off. But we worked at our relationship for a pretty long time so there was obviously enough emotion that she shared and understood that we ever able to connect.

We had some good times, she has a great sense of humor and is smart so we had many very interesting conversations. She also does care very much about others and I think she beats herself up an awful lot, not that she ever said that, but by her reactions sometimes that is what I gleaned.

It was particularly with people she had just met or didn't know very well that misunderstandings or whatever they were were more likely to occur. I think she rubbed people the wrong way without realizing it. She has a tendency, for example to be confrontational immediately or very intense or insistent, which would provoke a negative reaction from others. However, I don't think she is aware how intense and negative she can appear - so there would be confusion.

Our friendship lasted for as long as it did also because I was not listening to my own reactions. As I mentioned I kept thinking something wasn't right but I would not listen to my own interior voice for whatever reason. I am pretty much a "live and let live" type so I kept putting my concerns down to the fact that she was eccentric or trying to say "so what?" to myself. Since this friendship ended I have examined why I was not listening to my own intuition.

Part of her personality needed to be at the center of attention at all times. I really started to recognize that, because I noticed she was even willing for the attention to be negative so long as she didn't feel that she was just on the sidelines. She also always felt that she was an exception to every rule, that she and her circumstances were unique and she would always appeal for special treatment. She also said quite proudly that she was an exhibitionist. To some extent she was aware of her own emotional intensity because as she would say when she got that way with her dh he would say she was a PBFH (Psycho Bitch From Hell) which she would laugh about. She said it was a verb in her family because he would say 'Watch out, you're PBFHing".

When one new partner left her firm after about six months I asked her why and she said "Because I was a total bitch to her".

I'm generally not speachless, but in this case I am coming close. You could be writing about me here! incredible.

I have been really self-examining my behavior, thoughts, and emotions because of this thread- again. As I am frequently second guessing myself and actions, and now even more so. I think is that ME, or my disorder talking? It's a real BUMMER

I also am pretty in tune to what people are feeling and try to make people happy who are having a tough time. BUT, is that out of geniune desire to help, or to be the center of attention? I see that I do this as well. I want everyone to listen to me, yet I really don't have the desire to hear other people talk. I am really working hard on this one, and it is my mom who has given me the time to change this part of me. When I call her I go on and on about what is happening in my life, and forget to ask about her. This really started changing about a year ago, and it is such a struggle to stop. I literally, and almost physically have to stop myself from talking to let her talk AND to ask how her day/life is going. I am genuinely concerned about the people in my life and want good things for them. I just have this insatible desire to talk nonstop.

I also am what most would consider controversial and am trying to cut back on this as well. At a family members baby shower I even had to go off about circumcision : At a frickin babyshower! The mother of this family member stormed out the door, although I was not upset by it at all. My MIL just kept looking over at me, willing me to shut up. I do realize how my words and behavior can impact another person and because I care about others I want to learn to control my spastic mouth.

Hey, do we have a support group for BPD here?

[Shantimama]

My mother has BPD and is also bipolar........not to mention a few other problems that I won't even touch on here. I also had a friend who fits the clinical descriptions of BPD to a tee. The friendship started out fine, but when it turned, it was crazymaking for me. I finally had to end the relationship and just live with her continued calls until she gave up and I bit my tongue every time she placed all the blame on me because I knew any response would just fuel her fire. It was exhausting. She tried therapy but changed therapists every few weeks. We have moved away so I don't know what is happening with her now. I feel compassion for her and anyone who lives with this disorder - and also others who are affected by it. With both my friend and my mother, a lot of what goes on is nothing but emotional abuse. There may be a reason for it, but the effects on others can be devastating. It takes an enormous desire to heal and change on the part of the person with BPD. Good for you who have that desire and courage. My mother will probably go to her grave blaming others for everything. I am slowly coming to terms with that. I want to have respect for what people with BPD go through and I have to say I hate the effects it has on those who love them. My mother and former friend both did everything they could to make me feel like the most selfish, cruel, betraying, idiotic person on Earth for setting some firm boundaries and simply could not see anything but their own perspective. It is tragic.

If only we could rid this world of ours from all child abuse!