how do you set boundaries?

[RaRa7]

Ok the reason why I am posting is b/c whenever 2 yo ds does something that is innappropriate I simply tell him "you may not hit" or distract him if it's something less harnmful.
My dh seems to think I am negelecting ds's need to have boundaries set b/c I simply say these things but DO nothing.....
Thoughts/what do you do?
He's been hitting me and throwing food A LOT!!!

[cmb123]

When my kids were that little, I tried to do things that were logical to the situation.
If my child hit me, I would (like you) say "we don't hit", if it continued, I would remove myself.
If they were throwing food, I would say "we don't throw food" if it kept happening, i would clear the table, and put the food away.
No grudges, I wouldn't go on and on about it, just end the activity. I just always follow through, so they know I mean what I say. ( I do however, really pick my battles, and strive to be age appropriate with my expectations)
Not everyone here agree's with that stuff, but it worked in our house.

[Deja]

When my daughter was two years old, she was incredibly spirited and difficult. In near desperation, I read the following book by Haim Ginot. When I read the book, I was so disappointed. I thought that the techniques he described where pretty lame and I was pretty sure that they would NEVER work with my child. *Note that if you buy this book from Amazon's used booksellers, it's very inexpensive even with shipping.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...33435?v=glance

These techniques worked miracles, in part because you learn to set firm and clear boundaries without emotionally invalidating the child. You acknowledge his or her wants and desires while clearly establishing the boundaries. "You are MAD. You want to hit me, but you can't." You establish the boundary, "you can't" in a very firm tone of voice. A lovey dovey tone of voice doesn't cut it with most children.

I never thought this would work with my daughter in her twos, but it shifted the dynamic between us miraculously.

[PuppyFluffer]

Another thing I do is to discourage the unwanted behavior but give a channel for the energy. For instance. if dd throws food, I might tell her it's not good to waste food by throwing it on the floor, take her out of her high chair and see if I can get her to help me clean it up. I make it a matter of fact thing, or even talk in a pleasant voice and explain that now that we have a mess we need to clean it up. Often she will go along.

As for hitting, we talk about it all the time. "We don't hit in this family" is said alot. Then I tell her what she can do with her hands: She can pat gently, she can stroke (the cat's fur for instance) as an example. I have seen a few moments that she has really needed to get out some energy in a physical way and I have told her it is ok to go jump on the bed or hit mommy's pillow and that becomes a big game and she feels much better when she can get that energy out.

All the taking and redirecting really does pay off. It does come back to you. I had to stop dd from walking into the path of a kid on a swing and she right away said "Mommy, we don't push!" Very offended. I told her she was right, we don't push but we do keep each other safe and explained the danger to her. She understood after I explained that I stopped her, not pushed her. She will say out of the clear blue "We don't hit in this family right?" But just because she can say this does not mean that she has the impulse control to never hit. That comes later but the repetition is very important. They will get it!

[katallen]

I think that it is important to give children the very clear concept that hitting is wrong and will not be tolerated. If it works to look him in the eye and tell him to stop what he is doing and then redirect than you are giving him a clear boundary. Does he still sit in a highchair, if so you could let him sit on a booster seat or phone book at the table and eat like you but warn him when he first throws that he will have to sit in the highchair if he throws food, I wouldn't use phrases like big kid and baby when you do this, two is a bright age and he will make those connections himself if he is ready to sit at the table like you. Also, he is probably done with his food if he is throwing it and bored so taking him out and washing him up might help.
When my daughter was in a biting stage I tried hugs and explaining that biting hurts, but what I found worked best was to ignore the behavior completly because she liked my reaction and wanted a repeat. I did this by looking away and being totally silent for a couple minutes and then praising her when she started a new (non violent) activity. She no longer bites and has yet to try hitting despite being in daycare so it helped a lot. At her daycare they do this walk away thing when a child bites or hits they tell the both children to walk away, that biting/hitting hurts, and they need to use words. They also help them to walk away, so they learn that if they are hit or if they feel like hitting they should walk away and use words.

[foreverinbluejeans]

It's OK to say NO and STOP as part of GD. Explaining things to a two year old like we don't, you can't, we don't hit in this family, and other "explainations" or "mini-lectures" probably work with a two year old. If you save no and stop for important things, they can be very effective.

Imagine if you were told by your husband over and over and over that "we don't hit in this family" and you lost your cool and hit your child. How would you feel? Would you want to talk to your husband about it? Would you worry that he would leave you and take the kids? Now imagine what you are doing to your toddler when you say similar things.

Remember too that young children can have problems with sentences that have contractions like don't and can't. The young child might hear we don't hit as we hit. No is clear - no hitting! This may also appeal to your husband because it sets a limit.

[RaRa7]

Imagine if you were told by your husband over and over and over that "we don't hit in this family" and you lost your cool and hit your child. How would you feel? Would you want to talk to your husband about it? Would you worry that he would leave you and take the kids? Now imagine what you are doing to your toddler when you say similar things


FOREVERINBLUEJEANS:
Not quite sure what you meant by this? Do you mean that I should NOT say "we don't hit"?

[foreverinbluejeans]

I don't think 'we don't hit in this family' is the truth. Kids hit and they don't get thrown out of the family. If you want to say something like this it would be more truthful to say 'our family rule is no hitting.'

What works best for most toddlers is to keep it short and simple - 'NO hitting!' - said in an appropriate voice along with some kind of physical response like moving the child, remove the object used to hit, tending to the victim, or changing the situation.

You want your child to learn to do the right things because they are the right thing to do not because of rules. Try to place yourself in their little shoes and imagine how what you are saying might make you feel in their place. Try to imagine if someone that has power over you said what you are considering saying and see how it feels. I think this is one of the exercises from the How to Talk So Kids Will Listen audio-tape classes.

[peaceful herbivore]

I aim to be short, but specific. I aim not to use the word "no". I also aim not to make sweeping general statements. I think I would be most in line and comfortable with something like:

We do not hit people, but we may hit a drum (hand them a toy drum or something else appropriate to bang with etc).

We do not hit the cat, but we may stroke the cat (demonstrate stroking or remove them from the situation if they don't wish to comply with stroking).

We do not kick the furniture, but we may kick a ball (hand them soft foam ball).

I think redirection is a GREAT tool at a very young age, as well as telling a child what they MAY do instead of what they can't or shouldn't do. Just my humble opinion.

[Piglet68]

sounds like your DH has a different idea of what constitutes "boundaries". you said "we don't hit". That's a boundary. He says you don't DO anything, but that's not a boundary, that's something that comes after setting a boundary. in GD, that something is redirection. but i'm thinking your Dh is wanting a punishment. what he doesn't understand is that punishment isn't necessary to establish boundaries.

[PrincessMommie]

We don't

Originally Posted by arismommy

Do you mean that I should NOT say "we don't hit"?

I think the reason many think that saying 'we don't' is because obviously 'she does' ___ hit, throw food etc.

Maybe "Food is not for throwing, it is for eating"
"Mama's are for loving, not hitting"

Just a thought.