Structure - Does every child need it?

[JillChristina]

So I was flipping channels last night and watched the Super Nanny for a little while. One of her suggestions to the parents was that they NEEDED structure (granted, they did have three children - I have one). Now, I don't put a whole lot of stock in the Super Nanny but nevertheless, my momma guilt started to creep up on me. Is my child being hindered by the lack of structure in our home? Does every child NEED structure? I stay home with dd and both dh and I are very laid back parents (IMHO). DD no longer naps (regularly) so that small piece of "structure" is no longer in our day. About the only thing that goes the same each day is bedtime. So most days, dd and I just do whatever we want, whenever we want to. Is this horrible? Or am I just teaching her to be flexible?

Thoughts, mommas? I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me that I'm not harming my child by being unorganized with our time.

Jill

[DebraBaker]

Many children need some structure but others thrive without structure.

I think the structure thing is very heavily influenced by inherent personality differences.

I have some childen who regulate themselves but a few who need more, ahem, direct pressure. (In regard to chores and homework.)

DB

[nycapmom]

Only have a second but want to say....i'm not at all into the 'one size fits all approach' ...especially when it comes to parenting. I think if your DD is thriving as is, then maybe she does not need as much structure as the next kid, you know? I am not the structured type myself, and I always tried to follow my DS' lead but now at 4yo I think he might have done better with a bit more structure.

ETA - looks like we crossposted the same thing

[Alkenny]

I just wanted to add that not only does it depend on the child, but it depends on where the child is in their life too. My oldest used to NEED structure, she's more laid back now. My middle child was the opposite.

[boston]

I don't think that lack of structure harms children in itself... I think there are lots of other factors to consider. If your child is well behaved and happy then I wouldnt change a thing (unless you want to).

[LoveBeads]

Have to agree with the others. I am a much more laid back person than my DD and she has demanded structure that I ordinarily would not have imposed. However, I am glad that I gave it to her because *she* wanted it, not because society thinks everyone needs it.

[girlzmommy00]

I also agree that it depends more on personality & what works for your child. It's not good for everyone.

My oldest needs structure. She likes to know what's going on at what time all day. Even as a baby, she did the same thing the same time everyday. I still remember & she's 11 years old. Nap at 10 & 2, bedtime at 7:30, toss & turn until 9. She's happy with this. I think a less structured environment would drive her nuts.

Then there's my middle dd. Structure would drive her insane. She's a free spirit with her own mind about everything. She needs to do things at her own pace & in her own time. She gets it done but on her terms. Trying to really structure her day would be awful. As a baby, she had no scheduled anything. I think if I tried (I just followed her lead), she'd have freaked out.

My youngest is in the middle. Sometimes structure works & sometimes she needs to do her own thing. So I also have 3 & can see that structure isn't for everyone & that a child can thrive with out structure.

[sunnmama]

I saw that episode, and I also balked at that structure comment. Not because structure is bad--lots of kids really need it, probably including the kids on the show. But because of the "one size fits all" attitude.

My dd, at this age (4) really thrives with little structure. We have a loose routine for meals and a rest time midday, but she thrives with lots and lots (hours and hours) of open time to play. Play with friends some days, and play at home alone other days. Play inside and outside as her body leads her. Play alone and with others as her body leads her. I balked mostly because that is what the SuperNanny was calling "no structure"--open blocks of time for free play. I know that my dd needs and thrives with open block of time for free play.

[JillChristina]

Originally Posted by LoveBeads

... she has demanded structure that I ordinarily would not have imposed.

Can you give me an example of what this looks like? Again, I'm just wondering (read: second guessing myself), how would I know my dd needed/wanted structure? In what ways might that need manifest itself?

Thanks for all of your comments so far. I love learning from you mommas!

Jill

[UnschoolnMa]

No I dont think every child needs structure. Every child is different We don't do alot of structure with our kids. There is no bedtime, no everyday same time mealtime, no chores, etc. Basically I have followed their lead to determine what they were needing at any given point in their lives. Their behavior spoke volumes about that if I was just willing to pay enough attention to it.

When my son was young (like 4 to 6 or so) he was very upset by sudden changes or suprises. Things like deciding to rearrange the living room furniture on the spur of the moment, or just up and deciding to go on a small road trip (like 2 hrs somewhere ect) were things that he really struggled to handle. Because of that we tried not to do that to him, but to gently ease up to things so that he had time to get his mind around it before it happened. He's 13 now and though he is still somewhat like that it's a very mellow thing that he has no trouble living with. I think if your child is doing fine with what you have going on then all is well. If as a parent you pay attention to how things are (and I think most parents do) then you'd be clued into whether or not something needed tweaking.

[NYCVeg]

I think "structure" has to do with consistency, but that can mean a lot of different meanings. For some kids, "structure" might mean a fairly rigid schedule. For others, it might just be a set of shared expectations with parents that allows the child to navigate her world with confidence. For example, maybe you don't have a rigid schedule, but your dd knows that she goes to bed at the same time every day, that she won't be punished for making mistakes, that she can come talk to you about problems, that dad comes home around X time, that she can have a story before she goes to bed, whatever. That is, little bits of consistency--including consistency just in your attitude toward your kids--can provide as much structure as a schedule. For some kids, I think the sense of adventure and exploration that comes from NOT having a tight schedule can be great. I'm basing this mostly on my own experiences growing up. Does it make any sense, or am I off my rocker?

[annakiss]

I don't have anything to add, but wanted to join this discussion as I've often second-guessed myself with my son in this regard as well. We don't do structure, and when I'm feeling confident, I don't think we really need it. He certainly does not like it when I tell him that something is going to happen before it does, especially if it's something he's not going to like like me leaving to go somewhere. I have to sneak out of the house and he deals much better with it than if I tell him I'm going to leave.

I also like what NYCVeg said - consistency is more important. We do have that in our family.

[LoveBeads]

Originally Posted by JillChristina

Can you give me an example of what this looks like? Again, I'm just wondering (read: second guessing myself), how would I know my dd needed/wanted structure? In what ways might that need manifest itself?

Thanks for all of your comments so far. I love learning from you mommas!

Jill

Sure!

From a very early age, DD always wanted to know what we were doing next, what we were doing later and what we were doing tomorrow. She was an incredibly early talker so she was able to verbalize a lot of this. I remember my pediatrician specifically telling me "don't talk to her about what is going to happen tomorrow because kids don't understand the concept of time." Probably sage advice for SOME parents but totally impractical for me since DD was far less anxious if we talked about tomorrow then if she didn't know what to expect.

From birth she always seemed to eat exactly on schedule and sleep exactly on schedule - of course she was the one who determined the schedule and it took me a while to catch on. But it was definitely a pretty strict pattern that she adhered to. If it got thrown off either by traveling or some other reason, she would get totally crazed and upset.

My personality is much looser so I had to get rid of the old "we'll see what tomorrow brings" attitude and instead adopt "well, first we'll wake up and have breakfast. Then we'll get dressed. Then we'll go to the library and talk about what we will do in the afternoon." If I didn't do things like that, she would really whine and look anxious.

Bedtime has always been strict because DD has made it clear that she is tired at 8:00. She used to ask to go to bed or would ask, "is it my bedtime yet?" Lunch had to be served when the two sticks were on the top of the clock (12) and dinner had to be served when the clock showed one long stick (6). She demanded a digital clock for her room and I taped off the right side of the colon and showed her what a "7" looks like by drawing it on a piece of paper and sticking it above the clock. She knows that she can come into my room when there is a 7 on the clock. This is all by her prompting, I am not nearly as clever as she is :LOL .

She goes to preschool and loves the first day of the month because they get a calendar and she can know what is going to happen every day for the next month - her dream! If only I were that organized... :

I think you try things both ways, loose and structured and see which environment seems to work better for you and your kids.

[melissa17s]

JillChristina, I guess I would see structure as something different from acknowlegding the natural rhythms of the day (waking up, eating meals, having special routines like reading books before bed). Structure would be supervised time with alotted activities that have a specific purpose or gain, such as singing at 3 everyday and learning a new song every few days or having a 1/2 hour of painting daily. Schools and daycares have structure because it maintains order with a group.

A couple of years ago, I went to a lecture on Creativiy, and research presented was based on studying the childhood of famous, creative individuals. All of the people studied came from homes with out rigid structure; in fact, most lacked stucture and children were often required to entertain themselves. I think laid back parents often have laid back kids. I also agree that consistency does not equal structure.

[LoveBeads]

Not to get too OT but I had to comment on something after reading melissa's answer.

I read an article a few years back that said children of this generation will be less creative than generations past because creativity comes when the mind is bored, like daydreaming or something similar. You need to have the mind quiet in order to be creative. I thought this was interesting because now with DVD players in the car, kids don't even space out on long car trips.

I have to say though that I did a college paper on creativity and found that part of the problem with measuring creativity is that one needs to first define it. My definition of creativity was "ingenuity, the ability to look at a situation and see it in different ways or solve a problem in non-traditional ways." That would be far different than creativity in art sense but maybe it's more related than we think.

[BathrobeGoddess]

I also agree that consistency does not equal structure.

This is me too! I do think that young children do need to know what is going to happen to them...that is how they learn to trust but that doesn't mean that you don't watch your child and follow them and their daily ritual. Many children who crave come sort of consistency are also the ones who might be considered spirited! If you child isn't acting out a lot, them you prolly have some sort of routine in place and don't know it! I had always thought about myself as a very laid back mom with no set rotuine, etc. until I wnet to a teacher training about posive behavior support. Wow did that open my eyes to what no rotuine really looks like! Yikes! I really did have a routine just a very loose one.

[ShadowMom]

I am not a fan of SuperNanny, but I think she had a point that the girls got bored and if they knew what to expect it would help with that.

My mom was recently in town and she made that comment about my DS - she thought he needed more structure because he gets bored just hanging around the house.

So in this case, the type of structure I'm talking about has to do with making sure I meet my DS's needs for social interaction and play by having a set time that I do those things - for instance, between 2-4 either go to the park, go for a walk, go to the mall, or something along those lines.

I'm planning on giving a bit more structure and routine to my DS than I have been, but it's more for my benefit than his. Since I'm a SAHM for now, I want to make sure that we both get out of the house plenty and don't sit around like bumps on a log watching TV, and also want to make sure all the housework gets done. So, in order to do those things, *I* need structure.

So my whole point is that I think structure can benefit a parent just as much as a child, but it all depends on the parent and child, their situation, and their need for that sort of thing.

If what you're doing is working well for you, I wouldn't worry about it!

[Mothra]

I agree with what NYCVeg said. I was going to say basically the same thing. "Structure" is a pretty broad concept. With my oldest, we had no real routine. My husband worked a split shift which meant his schedule changed every four days. My son got up and went to bed at the same time every day, but that was about the only thing that was the same from day to day. We tried to eat at about the same time, but that was often thrown off by my husband's schedule. However, we were consistent in what our expectations of him were and what we offered him.

Now, with one in school and a toddler and a baby, we need a more set routine. I need a more set routine. Some kids do better when they know what to expect. My 3yo flips out if we don't come home and have lunch immediately after playgroup. He can't handle it if he doesn't get a diaper and pajamas and lie on the couch after a bath. You would know if your child needed more structure than you are giving.

I think it is crap that all kids have an internal clock that gets completely thrown off if let them play outside after dinner one night instead of going directly into the bathtub. Someone else mentioned that this might change as your child gets older. It certainly did for my oldest. As kids get older and get more of a sense of time, they might decide that there is a certain time for certain things and want to follow a routine of their own. My son actually likes to do his homework when he first gets home from school. I'd prefer that he take a few minutes to have a snack and relax, but this is how he likes to do it and if he doesn't do it right when he gets home it is a struggle to get it done.

I see kids who need more structure than their parents offer and it can cause problems. I don't watch Super Nanny, but I do think there is a grain of truth to this idea. Some of my neighbors let their kids stay up until all hours of the night and then wonder why they are cranky in the mornings. The kids don't know what to expect on a day to day basis because the parenting styles change according to the parent's mood, or which parent is in charge at the moment. Some days they have to keep their room clean and others a dirty room is okay. I think consistency is a more accurate way to talk about it than structure.

[melissa17s]

Originally Posted by LoveBeads

My definition of creativity was "ingenuity, the ability to look at a situation and see it in different ways or solve a problem in non-traditional ways." That would be far different than creativity in art sense but maybe it's more related than we think.

I think that is an excellent definition of creativity in relation to art. Art is one of the few times children and adults are challenged to think about multiple solutions to a problem. Structure often implies that there is a limited range possible answers or only one possible answer. Kids need to have times were there are no requirements or commitments, so that they can explore, play, react, and find their own answers to questions. This goes beyond being bored because when a kid is able to entertain themselves, they are not bored. Kids that are bored are often unable to creatively entertain themselves and are waiting for the next structure to be presented.

[LoveBeads]

Originally Posted by melissa17s

I think that is an excellent definition of creativity in relation to art. Art is one of the few times children and adults are challenged to think about multiple solutions to a problem. Structure often implies that there is a limited range possible answers or only one possible answer. Kids need to have times were there are no requirements or commitments, so that they can explore, play, react, and find their own answers to questions. This goes beyond being bored because when a kid is able to entertain themselves, they are not bored. Kids that are bored are often unable to creatively entertain themselves and are waiting for the next structure to be presented.

Beautifuly said.