The apology question on the supernanny.

[Mommay]

Hi all. I've been lurking for a while, but am posting for the first time. Ds is 20 months old and just at that age when discipline is starting to become an issue. He's always been pretty good, but lately he's becoming frustrated and tantrumy.

First of all, I love that list of books on the sticky above and blew my budget ordering a bunch of them. Hope to get lots of ideas out of them. Maybe I'll have this question answered from reading, but I've been really thinking about the apology issue a la supernanny.

On the "I hate supernanny" thread, people objected to making your child apologize after time-outs (I totally disagree with the whole "naughty" corner or seat or whatever). But I was thinking, people have a hard time apologizing, and partly, at least, due to not being able to feel something like humility towards the other. Would it be so wrong to get my ds to start getting used to apologizing for aggressive behavior early on? He may not mean it at first, but they're not exactly supposed to enjoy it.

On the supernanny, which does have lots of problems, I kind of appreciated how Andra could finally feel respectful towards her parents when she was made to apologize because she was asked to extend herself and swallow her pride a little bit. It seemed like she needed that boundary and that it allowed her to recognize her parents as people who she could hurt and needed to answer to. I didn't see Nanny 911, but I kind of like these reality shows about kids. I'm hopeless.

[Flor]

Personally, I would reserve the word "sorry" for actual, heartfelt apologies. I think Andra could have said something different that would show that she was seeing that her parents are people whose feelings could be hurt. She could say, "I hurt momma's feelings when I yell at her," or something. I can't stand an older child saying, "Well, sooooorrryyy!" with all the sarcasm the word can hold and I think supernanny's advice would lead to that scene eventually.

I think I only watch these shows because I feel so much better about my own little monsters when I see how bad it could be! Isn't that terrible?

[bamamom]

FWIW, I am the one who started the "Why is it wrong to make a child say I'm sorry ?" Thread. I was referring to the Supernanny making a kid say they were sorry and couldn't figure out why anyone would have a problem with that. I got lots of responses and m ost of them are in the vein of...We want them to say they're sorry and understand and feel actual remorse,and not just say it because they're told to. I was really confused by this issue as well..

[mummamilk]

I think kids need to learn to say "I'm sorry" with meaning. I think it is also important for parents to do the same.

Respect goes both ways.

[Gracefulmom]

I struggle, too, with giving children specific words that they MUST say. On the other hand, our entire family system is based on talking things through and not ignoring hurt feelings, disrespectful words, etc. So I feel that apologies and (especially) forgiveness does need to be taught.

But at our house, after someone has offended, it's usually said as, "You need to make things right again. When you're ready, you need to talk to your sister and make peace." If they need me to, I'll give an example of what they could say. But demanding a *my* word or *my* time frame just sets us up for sarcasm.

[AllyRae]

I don't believe in forcing a child to say anything, especially not an apology. By making a child say "I'm sorry" when they're not, it's a good lesson in how to lie convincingly... I like Heidi's idea...that sounds much more reasonable!