The "shy" label...

[Cutie Patootie]

I'm not sure what I'm asking here...but what do you say when strangers, actually, and family say that your dc is "shy". I hate hearing it and I am always at a loss of words. "Are you being shy...", "you are just a shy little guy", ...and so on. I feel like it's a label that isn't meant to make him feel better about himself. I know it is something atomatic that people don't even think about and I'm sure they never mean it to be hurtful or labelling, but I just don't like it...even if ds is shy. :LOL A long time ago a friend of my said that when someone says something like to your child, you should come down to your childs level and then say something positive like..."ds is a very good friend when he gets to know you"... but I can never remember to do that. What do you think? Am I blowing it out of proportion? Do you think it is not healthy to label a child as "shy". I would think that they would start to think that that is what they are and it would make them even more shy? Ack! I hope this makes sense. My brain is like mush these days. :

[LoveBeads]

Ugh. I heard this a lot with my DD because she has SID and would have a great deal of difficulty when meeting new people. SHe would often hide and cover her ears.

I would get down on her level if someone called her "shy" and say, "some of us need time to get to know someone before we feel like smiling, right honey?" and just let her know that I understood and empathized with her "reservedness".

I wish I had better advice but that's what I used to do.

[farmer mama]

I have never actually said it but I have been tempted to say something like "She's not shy, she just doesn't like you." When my dd was younger she would take a long time checking someone out before she decided she was ready to interact, then she would be very outgoing. If someone stood back and just let her check them out and let her make the first move, she warmed up very quickly. If someone got in her face and tried to push the connection, she would close off, hence the "she is so shy comments". It seemed like something that is said to make other people feel better. I got to the point where I had to ask people to give her some time.

[mogit]

When someone comments that DS is shy, I just say, "He is reserved at first, but once he warms up, he is really very friendly." It's true, and besides it lets DS (the one I am really gearing my response to) know that shyness is a passing feeling, not a permanent state. If the person persists in trying to engage DS and he is obviously uncomfortable, I might say to DS, "Are you feeling a little shy right now? That's OK, you can take your time" or even "Maybe you don't want to talk to...today."

So no, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with using the word shy to describe the way a child is acting or feeling in the moment. Shyness is real. I do think, however, that it is important not to label a child as shy across the board. The label could indeed become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'll bet your family would understand this if you explained it. As for strangers, well, just give them the answer you want your dc to hear.

[JennInSeattle]

Well I don't ever take it personally to be totally honest. Sometimes I'm a little embarrassed because he's generally the only shy child around it seems and he so often hides his face or gives a very serious look to the stranger despite their best efforts to make him smile. Ok, I exaggerate the truth to make the strangers feel better too often. I'll tell them he just woke up or he's really tired 9 times out of 10 simply because I don't want them to think they aren't likeable by children. How sad is that?! lol Oh well..

Anyway, I don't care if they call him shy - I'm outgoing enough for the two of us.

[Vermillion]

I’ll be honest, I don’t care for the shy label at all. For one, lots of people teach their children to be cautious of strangers but then are forced to endure strangers in their face and be expected to talk to them so not to hurt feelings. It’s confusing and disrespectful to the child. Now I don’t want my son to be a complete hermit, but I make it clear to him that he can be social with strangers only if he feels comfortable. I don’t feel like talking to anyone and everyone, so I don’t expect him to either.

He isn’t shy at all, but lots of strangers feel the need to label him that way. He is VERY selective with who he opens up to. At times there would be people he just met and would jump right in their arms and turn into a chatter box, just like he has met up with a long lost friend! Many other times he wants nothing to do with people he doesn’t know. He was blessed/cursed with big soulful eyes and adorable curls so people are ALWAYS in his face pressuring him to say/do something cute. : It would bug me to have so many people up my butt, so I ca see how it bugs him.

ANYWAY I have always been a little conflicted in how to deal with people who push the shy label. In my head, I want to say leave him alone he obviously doesn’t want to be bothered, would you be so forceful with an adult? But then again I don’t want to hurt feelings if I can tell they mean well, rather than just being rude and pushy, so I might say that he isn’t shy, he just tired/hungry/not in the mood to talk right, etc.

Now that my son is older, he is able to express himself pretty well. If he doesn’t want to talk to pushy strangers, he will straight up tell them not or please leave me alone. That is his right, and I am glad he can stand up for himself. Yeah it is too bad that someone gets their feelings hurt, but that’s a chance you take when you hound children you don’t know.

[farmer mama]

[QUOTE=Vermillion] He isn’t shy at all, but lots of strangers feel the need to label him that way. He is VERY selective with who he opens up to.

See this is just how dd was. One of the reasons I dilike labeling her as "shy", is that as people started saying it, she intentionally started to live up to that label. She would say "I'm shy." and she would do this whole cute, coy thing that would bring her more attention. It was fine, but I could see her playing out what she thought the label meant. I also think it is the norm for young children (although there are some really outgoing kids) to be cautious of strangers or people they don't know as well, so why give it a special label as if they are doing something outside the ordinary? Granted, there are really shy kids (I was very shy in childhood) and their needs need to be respected. I read something that often "shy" children have a hard time reading stranger's facial expressions, so while we may interpret a person's expression as benign, to certain kids it apprears slightly threatening. I also dislike the label because I think it is sometimes implied that there is something wrong with being quiet or reserved, and there is a societal expectation that kids be polite and talkative to strangers, despite their comfort level. At the same time, if a parent feels comfortable with calling their kid shy, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with the word, and I have also asked dd "Are you feeling shy right now?" more as a way to name her feelings, but not as a way to name her. For my dd, it is funny that now at 5 she is able to size people up very quickly, and now has no problem conversing with strangers.