Mamas with adult children...a question for you - UPDATED (oy!)

[dharmama]

If your adult child was about to do something that she knows is going to upset you (but she's doing it anyway ) would you want her to tell you ahead of time?

I'm getting ready to finally...after talking about it with my DH and my friends for *years*....get a nostril piercing.

For a long time I didn't feel I could get one because of my employer (small Catholic college) but now that I'm a SAHM and a part-time yoga teacher...I really don't think it's going to negatively affect my career!

Anyway...I'm really excited about it but I know my mother is going to be and that I would do this to my "beautiful face."

I have two tatoos and the first one (on my butt) really upset her. (Not that she got mad at me - I was 18 or 19 at the time - but just that I could tell that she was really sad about it.)

The second tatoo (on my ankle) I got a few years ago. I don't think she really minded it as much. Well she thought it was too big but the colors are pretty muted so I guess she didn't think it was that bad.

So just wondering, mamas with adult daughters (or sons), would you want to know ahead of time.

I kind of feel like I want to tell her before I do it. Just to acknowledge that I respect and love her and that I realize she is not going to be happy about this. But I also want to make it clear that it's not negotiable and that it's 100% my decision and that I'm REALLY excited about it.

Love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks!

~Erin

[KateMary]

I would tell her ahead of time for just the reason you stated about respect etc. She at least can get used to the idea before she sees you with the nose ring. I was thinking of my niece, who I was a guardian to until she turned 18, while I read your post. While I don't think a nose ring is a big deal at all, I appreciate when my dn lets me know what is going on in her life and when she is making big decisions. I do try to influence her when she is making dumb decisions but ultimately she knows I will respect her decisions so that is why she continues to be open with me.

[dharmama]

Thanks.

Yeah...I guess I'm going to tell her. Not really looking foward to it though.

[DebraBaker]

My grown children have tatts and piercings. It doesn't bother me but it bugs my dh a bit. He whines and gripes and just lets it go, it isn't worth stressing the relationship.

DB

[ombra*luna]

I hope you don't mind my jumping in to comment here, even though I don't quite have adult children yet (my oldest is almost 15 though, so it won't be long!) Well, my dd had to have me with her and get my signature to get her nose pierced so of course she had to tell me in advance, and obviously it was no big deal to me anyway (since she was doing it to be like me).

Just looking a little ahead though, I'm not too sure I'd want to know in advance if one of my kids was going to do something I wouldn't approve of. I might feel like I had to do something to talk them out of it, and depending on how important it was to me to stop them, I might feel really bad if I were unable to. For me, a serious issue wouldn't be body art or a piercing (although I would be a bit taken aback if one of my kids were to get a weird facial tattoo no matter how old they are - unless they were a tattoo artist or something). But let's say one of them wanted to join the military, and they were dead set on the idea, and wouldn't change their mind no matter what I said - that's the kind of thing I'm talking about. If this were to happen (which I really hope it doesn't - it's one of my greatest fears) - and I knew about it in advance and was still unable to sway them away from it, I would feel like I had failed twice. Once, in that they had even considered something that would go so strongly against they way I've brought them up, and the second time, in having had a chance (maybe!) to change their mind at the last moment and failing to do so. I know I'd be unable to think of anything else - if it were an issue like that, which was really important to me - from the time I learned they were going to do it, to the time it was done and too late for me to do anything to change it.

It would be "just as bad" for them to do it and not tell me first - because the end result would be the same - but I think it would be less stressful for me. The only reason I would want to be notified beforehand would be so I could do my best to change their mind - just so I'd have a chance. If there was really no chance then what would be the point? I personally wouldn't consider it a matter of respect to be notified of what amounted to a fait accompli even though it had technically not happened yet.

By the way I didn't get my own nose pierced, although I'd wanted to for years, until I was 36 - mainly out of concern for what my mother would think or say. She did have some remarks to make about it, and my younger brothers more so, but when my daughter got hers done, they all complimented her on how nice it looked! Could that be the difference between styles in 1993 and 2002? Or do they just like her better?

[dharmama]

Ooooo....Queenie. Thanks. VERY interesting perspective. Anyone else in the wouldn't want to know camp?

[Red]

My oldest took her birthday moeny from me and got her tongue peirced for her 19th brithday.

I wasn't thrilled.

I would have liked to have known ahead of time.

Then I would have sent her clothes! :LOL

[saintmom]

I suppose it's a generational thing.My generation was into alot of other stuff that had a far more negative impact.When I look at piercings and tats that way they don't seem sooo..... bad,but on the flip side it's tough looking at your formerly sweet babe,now all grown up,all pierced and tatooed up!
Would I want to know ahead of time? Of course I would and then I could loudly and vehemently say NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

[emblmrgrl]

Well, I have no adult children either but I have to tell what happened when I went to my mom about this very thing. I still haven't had the piercing done but I am still planning on it.

Anyway, mom and I were out together 2 or 3 months ago and I thought it best I should let her know instead of just doing it. She wasn't fond of my getting tatts but the two I have aren't visible unless I chose them to be and she's now fine with them. So, we're driving along and I said very matter of factly, "I've decided to get my nose pierced." she immediately said "OH JENNIFER!". I said "I know mom but I've really thought..." and I get interrupted with "Well why your nose? Can you not get your eyebrow done instead? I think that looks better if you HAVE to pierce something and besides, can you imagine how horrible it will be when you have a cold?!" :

I was so shocked that she didn't lose it that I couldn't say anything but "I'll consider that." LOL

[dharmama]

OMG Jennifer!! That's great!! :LOL

[dharmama]

Update...

Well I broached the subject with my mom last night and it went pretty much as I expected - no actually her reaction was beyond what I expected.

I was at their house. My dad was playing with DD and my mom and I were sewing and having a really nice time. So I said...hey mom, I have a question for you. Hypothetically speaking...how upset would you be if I got a nose ring? :

She stood up. Told me it was disgusting that I would even *think* of hurting my perfect face. She then started said she felt nauseous and ran out of the room. She locked herself in the bathroom for about crying and then came out She started going on about how I'm a mother now and I have to think about what kind of example I'd be setting for DD and that piercings are something highschool kids do not grown adults.

She kept saying why, why, why would you want to do this. I told her I couldn't talk to her when she was so upset. Back into the bathroom for more crying.

While she was sulking I told my dad what was up. He did a double take and said...really? You want to get a nose ring? I said yup. And he goes...a ring or a "nose earring"...I said I want a tiny little speck of something on the side of my nose. He goes...oh, yeah...a nose earring. I've seen some women with those. Those aren't bad.

Meanwhile after about 20 minutes or so mom came in and gave me a hug and told me that she loved me.

As I was leaving I said...mom, I'm really sorry I upset you. I was worried about your reaction, which is why I've been talking about doing this for years but haven't done it. She got a pouty face. I said...mom...I'm not mad. I think this is kind of funny actually. Then she got a real pouty face. I said...I have to go. I left to go teach my class and DD stayed with them.

Ay, ye, ye....the drama.

DH was like...well at least now I know where you get it! :LOL

[myjulybabes]

Wow, ouch! Sounds like your mom really overreacted. My mom and my MIL both play the "you're someone's mother now!" card too. Isn't that obnoxious??? I tell them to just enjoy it, because it probably means my kids act of rebellion will be turing conservative and/or Republican. LOL

Meanwhile, I don't have adult kids, but I've found with my parents, telling them after I've done it, but before they see me works well. That way they don't get a shock when they see me, but they don't feel like they need to talk me out of it, and it gives them a little time to mull over the fact that no matter what I do with my body, I'm still the same person. This has worked for both my tattoo and when I dyed my (normally blonde) hair black. My ILs, I don't tell anything, I enjoy ticking THEM off. LOL

[Simply Nurtured]

I never tell my mother what I am going to do, I have just done it, LOL, and showed her later.

She knows I like the shock value of it...

So she thinks. :LOL

She has tried really hard not to give a reaction.

I never wanted a nose ring though, but I have other "stuff".



I was over 35 when I figured out I did not need to worry about what she thought anyway.

I have sons, one is an "adult". He is very conservative though, raises his eyebrows at me... as he grins, of course.

[MsMoMpls]

Wow- weird boundaries if you ask me. I had a hard time with my son's most recent tatoos but nothing that strong and he knew better to ask my opinion. I didn't read this until after you already told her but I would have said don't tell- especially since she doesn't get to vote on it. I feel like a lot of time I am telling my son-"I don't know why you tell me things, if you don't really want to hear my opinion."

I got as upset as your mom (well not that upset) when my son started smoking. I felt like all being so careful during my pregnancy, nursing, watching what he ate- all my care just went out the window when he chose to put poison in his lungs. But... it is hard but it is his body now, not mine.

Good luck, sounds like momma is still having a hard time letting go.