How does everyone cope with the fear? - warning, downer

[sarahcecile]

I am sorry to be such a downer, but I really need support and suggestions here.

I am due Thanksgiving Day - so I am just 4 weeks today. I have no earthly reason to think that I am going to miscarry, I am young, in relatively good health, and I have no family history of any miscarriages. But I have the panic with every twinge - that I can't possibly be lucky enough to carry this baby. I have gotten so attached to the little bean, but I know that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage, and just about every female I know socially (this does not include doula clients) had a miscarriage before having a live birth.

Am I crazy? How can I settle down and enjoy this pregnancy? I was/am so excited that we have told all of our very close friends, and my very close co-workers. My DH has not told his co-workers yet, and my Mom will hopefully know by the end of the week and his parents by Easter. But everytime I tell someone I do so with the warning - "I'm very early, we're hoping for a sticky baby!"

And I don't feel as awful as I did around the time we found out this past weekend, so I am concerned about still being pregnant. But I took another Hpt, my boobies are still sore, my nips still dark, and my temps still high. I know it isn't even time for ms yet.

I would love suggestions for how to deal with the anxiety that is consuming me at this point.

Please keep me in all of your thoughts mamas!

- Sarah

[*Amy*]

Hi Sarah,

First of all, I want to give you a big hug, because I know the anxiety is difficult to deal with, and it may be hard for others in your life to understand. People have a tendency to say, "everything will be fine, stop worrying!" but it's not that easy.

I am also 4 weeks today, due on Thanksgiving day! I posted my story in another thread, but briefly - I had a miscarriage last August at 11 weeks. It was my first pregnancy and I was so elated that I was pregnant (I even found out on my honeymoon, which was so special). During my pregnancy, I had absolutely NO inkling that I would miscarry; I just thought, "this can't happen to me. We want and love this baby!" Well, it turns out it was a blighted ovum, and not something I could have prevented.

Now that I'm pregnant again, my best friend asked, "aren't you scared?" and I had to admit, sure I am! But here's the thing: we can choose to live in our fear, or we can choose to live in our love. It really is that simple. I could choose to not let myself get attached to the new spirit inside of me, but why would I deny myself that joy, and more importantly, why would I deny the baby?? It wouldn't spare me the pain if I do have another miscarriage, that's for sure.

I know it is scary and stressful. Having a miscarriage is painful, there is no doubt about it. But Sarah, if you do have to go through that, it sounds like you have a whole network of friends and family to love you through your grief. You live through it, you really do.

Life is unpredictable!! We could choose to worry every day that our partners will be injured (or worse) or that we'll get into a car accident, or anything else bad that could possibly happen. But what good does it do? I believe that our thoughts and feelings put energy out into the universe, for better or for worse. If we have overwhelming thoughts of worry, anxiety, fear, dread, etc., it seems more likely that those things will be attracted into our lives. If we have thoughts of love and hope and joy, it seems like those things will manifest. This may not be your own spritual or philosophical outlook on life, but you can't deny that in any case, worry is wasted energy!

I think once we become mothers in pregnancy (and afterwards), we are vulnerable for the rest of our lives! We love so deeply and care so much that it can be scary to think about that kind of loss. There are no guarantees in life, that is true, but that is no reason to turn away from the joy and love that you can experience today!!

In order to minimize your anxiety, maybe you could try ackowledging your feelings - I mean, we are not entirely in control of what happens, and that is scary! - but it's also important to give yourself permission to feel all the love and joy and hope that you alredy have for this baby. In the end, I think that is more beneficial to you mentally and physically. Remember, stress hormones are very hard on your body, and the baby's too!

Please PM me if you want to talk privately or need some encouragement. You have support here at MDC!!!

PS: I used to live in Athens! Where in Georgia do you live? I miss it so much!!

[sarahcecile]

Oh Amy,

Thank you so much! What you said really helped and I am (I know, cheesy) going to print it off to keep with me when I feel worried. You are right. If I live in this fear I shortchange myself and the baby. I can't wait to love someone until I know that that person will never leave - because then I would never love.

I live in Watkinsville - about 15 minutes from Athens, and I lived in Athens until 2 years ago when DH and I moved to a family house in Watkinsville in preparation for getting married.

Really really, thank you for your words, and it does help to know that someone is out there sending me good energy.

- Sarah

[Slackermom]

Sarah

I've had two m/c: one with our first pg, and one after DD, just a few months ago. Now I'm pregnant again, due around the same time you are. I do so understand the fear you describe, as I struggle with it daily. People tell me to trust my body, but that's hard for me -- the first m/c was a missed m/c, and I thought everything was fine until we had the ultrasound. And as is the case with so many miscarriages, I have no answers as to why they happened. That leads to so many fears, so many "what ifs".

I've been working with a naturopath who helps me know I'm doing everything possible to make my body supportive and welcoming for this pregnancy. But overall, I'm trying to acknoweldge that what will be, will be. I'm just trying to let go of the worry. There are certain things to keep reminding yourself when you find fear creeping in:

-nothing you do or think will affect the outcome of this pregnancy (ie, don't start the mental game of "I must have my beta tested every day. I must pee on a stick every day. I must analyze my symptoms." Those things may give you some information, but they won't change the outcome. Acknowledge that so much of this is out of our control. That's part of what makes it such a miracle.

-you can't control what will happen in the future. All you can do is live this moment. Celebrate the fact that right now, at THIS moment, you are pregnant. Don't lose the wonder of the pregnancy by focussing on what *might* happen in the future.

-start a journal about your pregnancy, and begin writing about how you feel about the baby. Write about your fears, but also write to celebrate things, and focus on positive things -- the changes in your body, etc.

-every night, take a few moments to relax, lay your hands on your womb, and think of positive intentions for this pregnancy. Don't be scared to bond with the baby.

All that being said, if you really feel like something is wrong, you can always ask your care provider for more beta tests, or an early ultrasound. I'm no longer a fan of excess testing, but they can offer peace of mind, and that's important to how you do with your pregnancy.

I'm sure all will go well for you. Stay strong!

[Kavita]

Amy and the other posters really said it best, but I'll put my 2 cents worth in here.

Sarahcecile, you and I are somewhat in the same boat, as we are in the "birth professional" field. I got my BFP exactly a week ago, and am now 5 1/2 weeks, and have been intermittently anxious and worried about the same thing. The first few days I was convinced that every little twinge was an ectopic pregnancy!! I re-read Varney's nurse midwifery and her chapter on early pregnancy care, and it stood out that she has a paragraph that says something like (and I'm paraphrasing kinda loosely here) "Female Health-Care Practicioners (midwives, nurse-practicioners, etc.) are often especially anxious during the first trimester about the possibility of miscarriage." (I'm not home right now to look up and quote exactly!) I think it is helping me to keep in mind that I am going to have a different experience of pregnancy and birth that the average woman, because I know more nitty-gritty clinical details than the average person becoming pregnant for the first time. We probably both have bad cases of "medical student's disease" (having the symptoms of every problem you know/read about!) Anyway, that's just my thought on the matter. Also, that and Anne Frye's holistic midwifery prenatal care edition both emphasize that in early pregnancy unless the woman is having a lot of morning sickness, she might not feel that different and is looking for signs that she actually in fact is pregnant. So, I think this is a pretty common experience of early pregnancy. (You and I probably don't get to see as much of very early pregnancy because I think a lot of women aren't coming to see us in these early stages, probably because they're "waiting it out" to be sure, just like we are!!)

I am trying to remember that although a lot of people do in fact have miscarriages, a lot of people never do. So, it might happen, but more likely it will not. It's just the voice of fear trying to tell us to be "realistic." I'm sure that right now, at least at this moment, I'm pregnant and so I'm just trying to enjoy that. One thing I've realized in general in life is that there is never going to be a time when there is NOT something to be anxious about--there is always, always, always going to be something else to worry about. But the worry is rarely helpful. I'm a big worrywart, so it's difficult for me to let go of that negative thinking. It's like I feel like if I let my guard down and stop worrying for a minute, something is going to sneak up and let me have it for daring to be happy!! But that's not really true, and that's not what I am choosing to believe. So I have to really focus my efforts on keeping anxiety and worry under control. I take time every day to feel pregnant and happy, and to consciously focus on thinking positive thoughts about my pregnancy and my baby, and visualize a nice healthy embryo securely implanted in my uterus, and imagine the baby and placenta growing and developing bit by bit, and imagine my uterus and general pelvic area surrounded by a beautiful white light.

Well, I hope this is helpful! I worry, but I also focus on trying to keep worry from taking over.

[hypatia]

Hi Sarah,

I, too, have been struggling with how much to cope with my fears of miscarriage. I'm on my fourth pregnancy; my first two ended in miscarriage, and the third resulted in my lovely DS. I guess I'm a little more cautious about getting attached to this pregnancy than some of the others here. After miscarrying on my first pregnancy, I tried to pick myself up, accept it as a fluke, and move on. I set aside my fears as best I could, and really embraced my second pregnancy. But when that pregnancy, too, ended in a miserable, drawn -out is-it-or-isn't-it miscarriage experience, I just felt devastated. I sank into a depression, and had terrible fears that I would never get pregnant. I felt bleak envisioning a childless life. Eventually, I decided if I wasn't going to be able to have children, I better have a fulfilling career, so I started investing in that.

When I did get pregnant for the third time, I felt excited and hopeful, but I just couldn't drown myself in my pregnancy like I had in my previous ones. It really helped me to distance myself from it that first trimester. I didn't really invest in my baby until I heard a heartbeat at 9 weeks, when I began to allow myself hope it would stick. Maybe some people would say that I was depriving myself of the full experience of the pregnancy, but for me that was a helpful coping technique.

In this pregnancy, I feel more positive, because I know now that I can have a healthy baby, and I'm not in a rush. But I do still phrase my thoughts like "we might have a baby in November" rather than, "we are going to have a baby in November." I don't think that's a problem, because it reflects what I believe.

[Queen of Cups]

I was really, really fearful my first pregnancy... knowing that so many miscarriages happen, and I got pregnant right off the pill (planned) and when my mom got pregnant right off the pill in the 70s, she had a miscarriage and her doctor told her it was because she didn't wait several months. I know that wasn't true, but it was still scary to think about... I was so afraid that the same thing would happen to me.

This time, I feel more at peace... Although, I'm scared that writing that will somehow jinx me! My midwives were very reasuring when I went in to have bloodwork done yesterday, which was nice - they said there's no reason for me to believe I won't carry a baby to term. And, I realized I've been thinking of it backward! Why have I been focusing on the negative? There's no reason I should distrust my body...

I was charting, but I've hidden my thermometer now because I don't want the added stress if I do have a low temp. I talked about it with my mw, and she said there's nothing that can be done to prevent a miscarriage - even if I had a one-day warning. So why stress myself over it? So, why don't you consider why you are temping, and if there's any reason to. If it makes you feel more secure - great! But, if you're like me, its a huge worryfest as soon as your eyes open in the morning - I obess and worry and silently pray the whole time, watching the temps go up on the thermometer. I just let it go - and I feel a lot better.

[AmyB]

Originally Posted by sarahcecile

I would love suggestions for how to deal with the anxiety that is consuming me at this point.

You might try visiting a hypnotist. It's not weird or spooky. What the hypnotist will do is listen to you saying what triggers your fear, then put you into a light state of relaxation and say calming things, maybe make a tape you can listen to whenever you feel anxious.

You can use the state of relaxation and calm that the hypnotist facilitated as a touchstone to return to when you start to feel anxious again.

--AmyB

[mamatoady]

Everyone had really nice posts, but I just wanted to say that I struggled with that anxiety with my daughter after my first pg WAS a miscarriage. What I told myself was that I was pregnant and I was a mother and even if the baby didn't make it that I would cherish every minute she was inside of me and just let the universe write our future. It seemed tohelp. Also, maybe consider having an ultrasound because I'veread that as soon as you see the heartbeat the chances of miscarrying go down to5%. Also,if it helps, I only know 2 people otherthan myself who miscarried before having a healthy baby. Everyone else had no complications. You are such a good mother! Already worrying about your baby! Peace!

[sarahcecile]

You are all so incredibly sweet and have made me feels enormously better. I am going to be ok! As I have passed several days beyond my normal luteal phase with no AF showing I feel a little more like this is real.

I am not a fan of ultrasound (unless medically indicated) - and we only plan to have one at the 20 week mark. I hadn't planned to use doppler at all either. I have my own fetoscope anyway. But I want to hear this baby's heartbeat as soon as humanly possible.

Remind me someone, if I did not have a dating ultrasound but did have the midwives attempt to find the HB as soon as possible with doppler, when is the earliest it can typically be heard? Did I mention that everything I know has leaked out of my right ear with the appearance of that second line on the pregnancy test?

Again, thank you for all of your sane, warm, reassuring words, really, it has done me (and my poor DH) a world of good.

- Sarah

[Queen of Cups]

If you're slender, you could probably find the heartbeat with dopplar at about 10 weeks - that was when I heard it with DS. (You can see the heartbeat with ultrasound at 6 weeks.)

The weeks I mention are dated from LMP - not ovulation.

[Kavita]

The earliest you can find the HB with a Doppler is typically 10-12 weeks (using LMP not gestational age) and usually it's easier in really skinny people to find than bigger people. Definitely by 14 weeks you should get a heartbeat in just about everyone with a Doppler. With a fetoscope you can generally hear around 18 weeks.

Also, out of curiousity--why a u/s at 20 weeks? Generally if there is a question about dates it's a little late for that and for gross deformities it's a little early . . . what would the indication for that be?

[*Amy*]

I was pregnant and I was a mother and even if the baby didn't make it that I would cherish every minute she was inside of me and just let the universe write our future.

Sarah (mamatoady), that is beautiful, and I feel that way too.

I thought dopplers were possible at 8 weeks? I must just be remembering wrong. I have decided to go ahead and get an ultrasound at ~8 weeks (from LMP) just to be sure there is a heartbeat. I really think the reassurance will help me get through the first trimester with less worry.

[gratefulbambina]

Sarah Im going through the same thing. I went through it with my first pregnancy too. Its hard for me to feel worthy of such a gift. You will feel more comfortable as the pregnancy goes on.

Im in Winder btw! I completed my 2nd 5K race in Watkinsville a cpl months ago.

[hypatia]

Yes, sometimes it's possible to hear a heartbeat on a doppler at 8 or 9 weeks, but they can't always find the heartbeat, because the baby is still so far tucked down into the pelvis. So before you try the Doppler, you have to decide whether you can handle the anxiety of NOT finding a heartbeat, which is really very likely at that stage.

I had a Doppler at 9 weeks with my DS (after 2 miscarriages), and it was very soothing to hear the heartbeat and know he was probably going to be okay. It really helped me relax and embrace my pregnancy.

[SweetTeach]

Hi ladies,
I hope you don't mind me jumping in here as I am due in October (and not posting on the due date club anyway).
I wanted to thank you for all of your words in this thread. They reflect a lot of what I'm thinking and feeling at this time as well, although my loss was much farther along than most of yours (37 weeks, cause unknown).
It is reassuring to see people facing their fears head on, as I'm trying to do, but also to not be completely consumed by them. Thanks again.

[*Amy*]

ST, I remember you from the pregnancy loss forums (you had a different name then, didn't you?). How is your PhD coming? Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Sarahcecile, how are you feeling this week?

[Cedarmom]

I have to admit, I've been afraid to open this thread b/c I sooo know the fear you are talking about. I've only had one other pregnancy and I have a healthy little boy that resulted from it, but I'm still freaked out. My sister has a history of miscarriage so every second I feel like the other shoe is going to drop and I'll lose this baby. I've been to the doc so many times in the last two weeks it isn't even funny. I just need some reassurance. I got that last time once we saw the heartbeat. I just kinda felt a peace about it all once I saw the little heart beating away. We should see this guy's hb next Tuesday.

I'm certainly praying for you and sending you healthy baby vibes. How are you feeling about it these days?

BTW, I *just* left Watkinsville (in November). I grew up there, went K-12 to Oconee Cty... Nice to see some people from my neck of the woods.

Who's your OB? Have they been able to see you to give you some reassurance? I've heard spectacular things about Dr. Goggins but never used him. My doc while there was Dr. Herrin (the younger version). I loved him, too. He was very good about listening to my concerns. ETA: Never mind. You are probably using a midwife, eh?

[sarahcecile]

Cedarmom and Amy and everyone else with great thoughts! - I was feeling better, starting to relax and just try to enjoy everything, but yesterday really tested me.

I have continued temping to (hopefully) get some warning if my temps started falling that there was possibly a miscarriage coming, and when I woke yesterday my temp was down to 98.3, while it had been around 98.5 or 98.6 so that made me nervous. Then, after I peed and wiped I discovered light pink blood. That was the worst of it. For the next hour when I would blot at my vagina (sorry if TMI) I could see very pale pink tinged mucus. So I was pretty positive that that was the end for us. DH and I had a really long cry and called my parents, etc.

But nothing else ever happened. No real cramping to speak of, no more blood for the rest of the day. I kept blotting to see if there was blood inside for the rest of the day and there was nothing, just clear or pale yellow, but at about 9 pm. there was another tiny bit of pale pink mucus.

This morning my temp is up again and no blood or pink mucus. So I am just hanging in there and waiting, trying not to worry.

Anyone else have spotting and carry to term?

So - that's where I am. Sigh... I hate worrying and waiting.

- Sarah

[Queen of Cups]

I had a teeny bit of spotting - similar to what you described - during the first trimest of my first pregnancy. It was scary! I talked to my midwife about it and her guess was that it was becuase I'd had a cold and been coughing a lot - coughing can actually irritate the cervix. I know my mom also had bleeding on and off through her pregnancy with my sister. Spotting is really common, actually! I have a friend who's due in July that had spotting a week or two after she found out she was pregnant, and everything turned out okay.

Good luck!