hitting bottom

[milk_maker]

i've tried to deny it and ignore it, but i can't anymore. i'm so depressed. i've battled depression off and on for a very long time and i was hoping that i'd finally gotten over itm but i was just trying to fool myself...i was depressed even when i was pregnant.

this song describes the way i feel perfectly...especially:

"And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take"

i'm so scared i'm going to do something stupid...i've been fantasizing and plotting again. i don't want to die and abandon my son, but at the same time i can't help but wonder if it isn't better for him.. i'm having such a hard time coping and he's a very fussy baby...i screamed at him to shut up today...it scared him...and broke my heart to hear him cry out of fear.

i don't have anyone here to help me. dh just tells me to stop pitying myself and to snap out of my funk. i don't really have any close friends and pride prevents me from asking for help anyways. my family is all down in FL and while my dad would drop everything in a heartbeat...again...that pride thing.

i don't want to go to a military doctor because they are going to suggest hospitalization and i can't go back to the mental ward...i just don't know where to turn.

[LadyWulf]

Monica....i don't really have any good advice for you other than to please let go of the pride and ask anyone you can for help. I KNOW how hard it is. It really sounds like you need to find some meds that will work for you to help you out for a while. I know you have said that Zoloft didn't work for you before. Not sure if you have an OB or a Midwife but could you ask them for a script for something?

[captain optimism]

Can you hire a post-partum doula where you live to give you enough of a break to sleep? I am not minimizing the depression, in fact I think you should seek medical help with it, but it sounds like sleep would help you regain your equilibrium and help you be able to think a bit about how you are feeling. I'm not saying it will make you not depressed, just bring back the balance enough to figure out what to do.

If you think your folks would come help you and that they would be helpful, invite them to come. You have a new little baby and you need to be eating and sleeping, and that means support. You don't have to tell them you are feeling suicidal to get help, just that you are nursing and tired and want an old pro to come help cuddle the baby.

[Danae]

Hey sweetie my thoughts are with you!

What about going to a clinic? I know that Planned Parenthood handles PPD in addition to their other stuff. (at least the ones around here do) That way you wouldn't have to deal with the silly military doctors. There are also PPD hotlines that you can call just to talk to someone-you don't even have to give them your real name and you can block your caller id. It really really sounds like you need to find someone their to talk to!!!!

Please don't diminish how you are feeling right now or let your pride get in the way of getting help. Look at your little guy and remind yourself that you need to be well to take care of him!

If you need anything don't hesitate to email me at [e-mail].

[edgyveggie]

I'm so so sorry you are feeling like this. I know the feeling all too well. You sound a lot like me in that I HATE asking anyone for anything. And I struggle with guilt over the least little thing. Nothing is little to me and my brain at times, especially when it comes to my kids. I've also had those same thoughts of leaving in one way or another- plotted, planned. I've felt like the only person in this universe who was too messed up to get through a day, a moment without feeling like I was screwing something up. Its such a viscious cycle.Gosh, do I know. I still struggle with it very frequently. I write a lot in my journal and actually have to write down the good things I do- even the smallest thing like- fed the kids, told them I love them, played a game of cards- whatever- just to remind myself that I actually didn't go the whole day totally scarring them for life. Because thats the way it feels for me at those times.

Please email me if you need an ear. I'm more than happy to listen. I'm thinking about you today and sending you much love.

[jane-t-mommy]

My thoughts are with you and your babe. I'm struggling with depression as well and know how hard it is to ask for help. For me, sleep was key. Tending to a babe night and day is so draining if you don't have adaquete sleep. Know that your son needs you. He chose you as his mom and loves you. Suicide is an everlasting heartache for survivors. It follows generations with the pain. Depression can be overcome! We here at MDC are listening and rooting for you. Sending you love and hope, Janet

[Danielsmom]

Hi,
I agree with the suggestions of hte other posters--and I do recommend that you get some help! It is not weak to ask for help, it is actually a sign of strength. It takes courage to ask for help.

Maybe you could ask your dad to come up to visit for awhile? Being a new mom can be very isolating, in the best of times.

Can you get out for a short walk, even 10 minutes with the baby? I know I feel a lot better when I have exercised a little bit.

Also, there is a website/organization called "Depression after delivery" http://www.depressionafterdelivery.com/Home.asp
I believe this organization lists support groups all over the country, and women you can call who have been through the same agonizing struggle.

Another helpful resource is a book called Feeling Good by David Burns (I think that's the author). The book takes a cognitive therapy approach to depression, though there are recommendations for meds as well. I have found it useful.

Asking for help may not necessarily mean you will be put back into the mental ward.

You sound like a kind, caring loving person who deserves to live. Give yourself a gift today and get some help. Whether it's getting on meds, or joining a support group.

And I have to say, your husband telling you to stop pitying yourself is not the support you need at a time like this. People don't choose to be depressed. I certainly didn't. It really has nothing to do with pity.

If it helps you to hear this, I was very depressed a few years ago. I took meds for a couple of years, through my pregnancy with my son, and eventually went off of them last April. I feel so much better than I did. So there is hope...these horrible feelings can dissipate.

I'm also wondering if you have had a complete physical checkup after your baby's birth. Sometimes anemia or a thyroid imbalance can mimic symptoms of depression.

I just wanted to add a few things. I noticed you had a blog so I started reading it.

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job as a wife and mother. I mean it. All those dinners you are making! I am lucky if I cook 2x a week adn my son is almost 2. And you are so conscientious about your son, cding and bfing him and taking him to the doctor's appointments. In spite of your depression you are getting done what needs to get done. So please give yourself credit about that.

[mommyofboy]

You really have to ask for some help in this one. It is for your sake and your baby's best interest. You really need help now. I hope you don't end up in the mental hospital either, no one wants to end up there, but if you need to then so be it. It is for your best interest.

[mum5]

Monica, I read your post yesterday and have been thinking about your situation.
I was in the same boat as you when I had dd1.

Just moved up here from Fl,newly married, didn't know anyone, had NO support from dh's family at all, infact they made me question everything that I was trying to do right.
DD1 was a total non sleeper, it was amazing if she slept for 2 hours in one night.
Dh was working lots, you get the picture.

To get to the point, my Mum didn't know what was happening until after the fact, and really wished that I had spoken out. Now she is kind of worried that the same thing will happen again, and calls me all the time. If I don't return her calls after a couple of days she gets really panicky.
I can see how your father would want to know if you need help, and would want to come and help out. Like a previous poster said, you don't have to tell him your inner most feelings if you don't want to, just tell him / other family that you need someone to come and cuddle Scott while you get some sleep and time for yourself.

Just try to remember that this period will pass and it will get easier. I promise you. When Scott is a year old you will look back in wonder at this time. The bad memories will fade, and you will do it all over again!!!Maybe??

Thinking of you Monica. Many hugs Jasmine

[mommy2three]

Hi Hon,
I haven't posted much in a long time because I don't have much computer time but saw your post and wanted to send you lots of hugs. All the previous posters gave you wonderful advice so there's no need for me to repeat it but I wanted you to know that you're not alone and please feel free to spill your heart out to us! We're here for you

One more thing... I would say call your dad and just tell him that you'd really like him to come for a visit because you could use some family right now close by. You don't have to tell him how depressed you are if you don't want to... he's probably more than willing and wanting to be needed Sending you all my best wishes and when you need a place to vent, come to us!!!!!!

[mommy2three]

I had an afterthought...
I have to treat an auto-immune disease sometimes with high dose steroids that make me kind of feel like I'm going to loose control at times. For those times I have a script for lorazepram just in case I really need it. Acoording to Dr. Thomas Hale's Medications and Mother's Milk it's safe to take while nursing so that shouldn't be an issue. But for moments like you mentioned when you feel like you're going to loose it, taking one may help. Talk to a doctor so maybe you can get a script on hand? Even if you only use it once or twice in an extreme emergency, just having it helps me know that if I was feeling like I'm on the verge, I could take it to calm down. I know a lot of people frown on perscriptions but sometimes they really are helpful and necessary....

[milk_maker]

I went to the doctor yesterday and she's referred me to see a therapist. Since I wanted too avoid drugs she's understanding, but she told me to call if I decide I need some. I'll look up that med you recommended and talk with her about it at my follow up next week.

I am going back to FL to stay with my family next Wednesday. It will really help because I'll have my three younger sisters to help along with my parents...and my grandfather and uncle will be visiting too. I think after a few days on the beach with a virgin margarita in hand I will feel a lot better...plus I won't feel so isolated.

Thanks for everything.

[jstar]

i was so glad to read your update post i'm happy you're getting help. and SO happy to hear you're visiting your family. i've been battling depression off and on for a few years. i know what it feels like. i've spent my time plotting...and wishing i could fill my brain with more pleasant thoughts.

getting therapy is wonderful. a great thing.

the other thing i would do when you get back from your trip is look for some mama groups. new mama groups or playgroups. or new mom activities like mom and baby yoga. start a thread in the finding your tribe area. i think TONS of new moms are looking for new friends because they're either new to an area, new to staying home from the working world, or just don't have any other friends doing the baby thing. and you seem to lose some touch with the non-baby friends once you have a baby (or once you get pregnant in my case).

have a great time with your family. i had a high needs baby too and it is hard. i live far from my family and relish those visits

[attachedtofiona]

: i've been lurking in this thread :
wondering how you are doing now, my heart broke for you and i just want to let you know i didn't have post pardum depression, but i used to suffer from severe depress. i got therapy and meds and i am doing good now med free. so help yourself and get better, and let us know how your vacation went and how you feel now

[mommyofursula]

Best Wishes to you and your Child

Two things that I would try; pyridoxal-5-phosphate (supplement) and also acupuncturists can place these ear seeds in your ear (pressure points) both are relatively inexpensive and have a real uplifting effect.

Best Wishes to you and your Child

[luz]

Hi Shyly,

I just read your post and I know it's been a while since you posted, and I'm wondering how you're doing. I suffered from post-partum depression a lot too, only it wasn't just post-partum, either--it was throughout most o fhte pregnancy too. I think the hormones didn't help, but there were a lot of issues going on in my life that I needed to work out and I needed someone to talk to who could help me with that. The therapist I worked with for a couple of months really helped with that. I'm glad to hear you're going to see someone for therapy. If you don't like him or her, I would suggest keep trying until you find someone who lines up with your values and what's important to you. Sometimes clinical social workers are really good because they look at your whole life circumstances, and understand that oftentimes the problem isn't you, it's aspect of your life and environment and how you're dealing with them. I won't tell you what worked for me, because I think we're all different and we have to each find our own path and figure out what's going on with help, but I do know that being involved in some kind of community, whether it be other moms, or working, or going back to school for some classes, or geting involved in a church or a comunity garden or something, can be really helpful and was really important to me. And, by the way, it's been about a year now since I've been really depressed, so there's light at hte end of the tunnel. And I was able to do it wothout meds (not that there's anything wrong with medications; I just didn't want to go that route for myself, and talk therapy and group therapy were really helpful.) Anyhow, I'm glad you're seeing someone, and I'm rooting for you and praying for you. I don't think my depression would have gone away if I hadn't seen someone.

Where are you going to be in Florida? I actually know of a really good therapist in the Tampa area, if that's where you happen to be. Feel free to email me if you want: [e-mail]

in peace,
Johanna