Want opinions about sitch with BIL

[L.J.]

I'm thinking of writing a letter to my sister & (mostly) her husband and want to get some unbisaed opinions before I decide to do it or not.

We only see my sis & BIL about 3 or 4 times per year. Her hubby is very competitive, confrontational & thinks that being smart & rich are the be-all, end-all in life.

Our sons are one year apart in age. My son is the older of the two and has developmental delays. He's approx, 2 years behind (emotionally, cognitively etc.) I homeschool him and my BIL totally disagrees with that.

BIL gets very competitive about his kids & is constantly comparing his kids with his own nieces & nephews too.

So, they were just out for a 10 day visit. The kids were playing with him & he decides to make it more educational and starts quizzing the kids. This works really well with his own son & my kids enjoy listening & learning too. My kid will not shout out answers because he's introverted & also hates confrontation.

Then, I came out of the shower & overheard BIL asking my son to tell him his age. He wouldn't. He said, are you 3? 4? etc. etc. Then I hear him say "you're just saying yes to every age because you don't know your numbers!" (Not true) but I certainly didn't like the tone he used or the negative manner in which he delivered it.

Then, he spent the rest of the time telling the other kids how "SMART" they all are, never once saying that to my oldest.

Anyway, after a few days with them, my son started to withdraw more, had a potty accident (which he's not had for over 3 years) and I think his uncle's attitude was really bothering him. (He's also extrememly sensitive kid). It also didn't help that he's a real nurturer and my nephew is really into action & swords & guns, etc.

So, to get to the point, I was thinking of writing a letter stating how I'm glad that they are concerned about my son's development and that they enjoy playing games & creating educational environments but how he is a different kind of kid and learns better without constant criticism and negativity?

I have a bit of a tense relationship with this man as it is and in the past, when I have talked to my sister she just says how I need to talk to him myself. I'm not really comfortable doing that as he gets very loud, very accusatory and I just don't enjoy that kind of confrontation myself. I thought a very accountable letter might be a good medium? Or maybe I should just let it all go & hope it doesn't happen the next go round? The only problem is that as the boys get older & become school-aged, it seems to be getting worse.

Any suggestions?

[bethwl]

I think it would be fine to write a letter, but I would only address it to bil. As your sister said, you should talk to him instead of talking through her. I would include a note in the letter that said something about gathering your thoughts better on paper but if he wanted to have a follow-up discussion that would be fine. I know you said you don't really want to talk, but I think people get on the defensive less to these kinds of letters if they don't perceive them as attacks that they can't respond to, if that makes any sense. If you write a calm and not angry letter and offer to talk if he wants (he might not even want to), he should respect that.

[beth568]

You know what? I'd write the letter, but I wouldn't send it. Get your thoughts down on paper now, as you say, to get them better organized. Then, I'd be prepared to talk to BIL directly the next time you see them. If he's as arrogant as you say, he'll read your letter and may just dismiss it because the situation isn't immediate. If you get up the courage to confront him in person, it might make a stronger impression, and might also get through to him better because he'll see firsthand what you're talking about. Sadly, I can imagine that he's the kind of person who isn't all that likely to change his behavior, or isn't even likely to try to understand your situation, but I think speaking directly to him, when the situation is fresh, might be best. Either that, or prepare to speak to him shortly before the next visit, so that he knows exactly what the problems are.

I think it might also be helpful for you just to write the letter and get all those thoughts processed. Sometimes that's the biggest issue, and after that you can move forward. Hugs.

[L.J.]

Thank you both for your ideas & insight.
I tend to get emotional about things & leap before I think, so I'm glad I posted this to get a new perspective on things before I do something or do nothing.

[aran]

I also vote for writing a letter and not sending it... but for a different reason. Because of several personal experiences, I have become very wary of putting concerns about personal conflicts down in writing. In my experience, there are too many ways that statements can be misinterpreted, resulting in anger, resentment etc. in ways that cannot be foreseen. This could just as easily happen with a face-to-face discussion, but when the discussion is over, there's no lingering evidence to re-read, and ponder, and get worked up about again as there is with a letter. Plus, think about how your son might interpret that letter if he were to see it in 10 years. Depending on how it is written, he could feel embarassed as well. The letter can live far beyond the conflict, be taken out of context, and result in unforeseen negative consequences to your relationship if BIL and sister misunderstand anything you write.

My husband's aunt wrote a letter like the one you are describing, and thought she was being non-confrontational, but it came off very negative and accusatory. It has caused a family rift... moreso because it was in writing and we could all look at it and analyze it, etc.

IMO, a good face-to-face with BIL would be more effective (albeit more difficult to do).

I had a BIL like that and we avoided prolonged contact with him. It was hard on our relationship with my sister, but she made the decision to marry BIL, and if she couldn't get him to be on good behavior around our family, the consequence was seeing her less often. If the situation is that hurtful to your son, can you limit the interaction between BIL and DS somehow?

I suggest writing a mock letter to get your thoughts in order as a precursor to a face-to-face discussion. I would destroy the letter after that.

[Irishmommy]

As you only see them every few months, I would hesitate to make too much of a fuss. Maybe before you see them the next time, then tell your bil to ease up and be nice.

[mommyofshmoo]

I would state my concerns to my BIL, and also let him know that if he wants to play with the kids that way, you'll be spending time with ds elsewhere.

Like with kids, his behavior should have a consequence.

My dad and his younger brother were always competitive, with my dad the more sensitive of the two I think. My brothers and I were constantly barraged with comparisons, competitions, negative comments. I kinda can't beleive my mom put up with it, but we saw them very seldom- like once a year or less, though for two weeks at a time.

When I was old enough I took matter into my own hands and when I saw someone riding one of my brothers I told them "I don't see why a grown man needs to pick on an 10 year old to feel better about himself" and took my brother out for ice cream (and later beer- a big perk to having family in Europe!)

That's what that behavior is- he's using his kids to boost his own self esteem and belittling others' children to make himself feel good. I think you should state it as such.

That said, I know it's hard. I'm a very non confronatational person too. I wish I still had the chutzpah I did at 16!

[Cheshire]

Hugs to you and your son! I agree that writing the letter and thinking it all through is a great start, just don't mail it.

Next, since your sister won't deal with her husband then wait until you see them next and he acts in a way you don't agree with then step in and let your mom instincts explain to him what is acceptable behavior around your son.

I, too, hate confrontation but don't think of it that way. Think of it as you taking the time to share with your BIL, as your child's mother, the type of behavior you will allow around your child. If your BIL turns combatative and wants to argue about it simply tell him you'd be happy to step into another room to discuss it but you will not argue about it in front of the kids and then walk to the other room. Don't engage with him in front of the kids. Also, think about someone you admire who handles themselves well in a confrotational situation and then try to emulate (sp?) them. Fake it 'til you make it!

If you are consistent with your message and won't let him draw you into an argument in front of the kids he will do what most bullies do and move on. You can do this because you're the momma!

I'll send positive, strong vibes your way. Your little boy is blessed to have a mom who can see what is going on and is willing to do what it takes to protect him.

[thoesly]

I am a person who finds writing easier than speaking face to face. Even my best arguments leave my head in a face to face confrontation -- even if I have notes before me. I have occasionally written letters I haven't sent. When it involves my children, though, I always follow through. I consider the possible outcomes (breach of a relationship, words coming back to me in a few years, etc), but I haven't yet experienced a situation where the danger of the possibilities outweighed the actual damage being done. In your situation, I would send the letter. I would take care with the wording, invite comment, and seek the opinion of someone I respect to make certain I'm making my points without being overly-emotional. But I wouldn't allow further contact between my child and this man until an understanding is reached -- even if that means not seeing a relative I *do* love. I try to avoid confrontation whenever possible, but the welfare of my children always has to come before my personal feelings.

[NYCVeg]

I agree with Beth--write the letter, don't send it, and then have a conversation. Although I'm a much better writer than talker, I find that 1) tone in letters is very difficult to interpret and can lead to serious misunderstanding and that 2) letters can and will be used against you because the "evidence" doesn't disappear. I might soften things a bit, too--i.e., do not emphasize that your son doesn't respond to "criticism and negativity" (which implicitly criticizes your BIL), but explain that your son is a different kind of learner, who needs patience and understanding and who gets stressed out in competitive situations. The competitiveness that might bring out the best in his kids, does not work well for you child.

Good luck!

[Margaret1022]

Hi,

Writing the letter or even an extremely heartfelt, angry letter will help you release your emotions over the situation, but it probably would not help the situation at all.

Two years ago my Dh's aunt did something and I politely disagreed with her. Since I've only met her twice in my twelve years with him (at that point), I thought it was simply an issue of her not really knowing me or having time for us to iron out the problem. I sent a very kind email explaining my side of the situation (I personally felt she misinterpretated something and was judging based on her belief systems - in much the same way your BIL sounds like he is judging your oldest based on his ideas of where he should be relative to the other children).

His aunt cc'd the email to both her children and responded with her usual judgmental and non-listening attitude. It really hurt, but I reasoned that I only see this woman once every blue moon and it was okay. Well, Dh's grandfather passed away this past Summer and I went to support him. His aunt, all his cousins, his parents and his siblings all shunned me. In fact, I walked up to my MIL after the services and she walked away from me without speaking (in a room of at least a hundred people). I know they don't really like me, but they have never been as openly hostile the way they were at grandpa's funeral. In fact, the incident was so upsetting that I told Dh on the plane back home that I would never set foot in his parents' or aunt's house again for ANY reason.

The point is the letter did NOT help in the least bit. It was only used as ammunition to justify her blatant self-centeredness and cruelty and nobody else cared to judge me based on their previous relationships with me or try to consider my position.

I'm sorry your son had to be subjected to it, but any adult who is boorish enough to treat a child that way is also too hard-headed to hear anything rational and productive you have to say. If anything, it will probably cause him to be more deliberate in his attacks to make sure you don't overhear it next time (that is exactly what Dh's whole family was doing to me at the funeral non-stop).

I wish you the very best,
Margaret

Edited to remove first sentence. I agree with not writing the letter.

[PoppyMama]

I makes me so PO'd when adults quiz children. It is demeaning and ridiculous and most kids hate to participate. I will tell any adult who does this in my earshot how I feel about it. I think saying something about this behavior is in line with the protection of children and MUST be done. My nephew got this kind of thing a lot because he was speech delayed and a little different. He is now testing as brilliant but I believe a lot of his behavior issues go back to the way family members talked about him- as if he was unfortunate and somehow beneath them and their children. Stick up for your son- even if it does nothing for the BIL it will do alot to show your son that you are in his corner.

Good luck.

[bethwl]

The people who suggest writing a letter but not sending it bring up good points I never thought of. And then I had another idea. Next time you are together, if he starts doing the same thing, make a comment but keep it lighthearted and maybe he'll get the picture. Like when he starts quizzing and your son appears uncomfortable, say jokingly "Hey, we're not in school now, let's just play" or "Hey, instead of 20 questions, let's play cards." If her persists, try to be calm and just say "Hey Joe, I don't think that ds likes this game, so can you do something different with the kids please?"

If he doesn't respond to this, he's either dense or a jerk. And he probably wouldn't have responded sensitively to a letter.

[L.J.]

Thank you all for your replies. It is good for me to get a little emotional distance and see some other points of view on this issue before I make any decisions.
I appreciate all your thoughts & warm wishes.