interviewing a CPM

[SpiralWoman]

Hi~
I am 7 wks pg & planning a homebirth (have been planning it for 5 yrs actually, since my 1st m/c). So, I am having a CPM over to my house tommorrow evening for a consultation, to see if she is "the one." Unfortunately, despite all my attempts at positive thinking, I am all obsessed & strung-out emotionally over the fear of another m/c. My 1st was a blighted ovum & I'm just completely whacked out that this one will be, too.

SO, I just feel highly vulnerable & unprepared for talking to her tommorrow. I want a very undisturbed birth & have a ton of confidence about my ability to birth @ home, but in the making-the-baby-dept, I am totally out of touch with myself. Anyway, I feel like I am just rambling, but here is my question for the HB board:

What are good questions I should ask to assess this midwife's willingness to leave me alone during birth?

I am afraid all I'm going to talk about is whether I am going to carry this baby past 12 wks. Plus, I just don't think I'm going to present myself well bcz of all my fears & anxieties. I'm just going to come across as a really anxious & out-of-control person, which I am right now, but I don't believe that once I get thru this phase that I will carry this anxiety the rest of the way thru my pregnancy, or into labor.
Ok- I have really gone on long enough & this has just turned into a darn vent. I should have just journaled about it, sorry. But if any of you experienced HB women has any advice, I will gladly take it!

thanks, Maria

[MamaSoleil]

Maria:

Dear Maria...please breathe...you have to have confidence in your ability to "make" and carry a beautiful healthy baby...please...you need to tell yourself this...I'm afraid for you...I know you did not really deal with your first m/c until you realized you were pg again...but look at how long you tried...you and I were on TTC board together...which I'm still there...: but anyway...
I'm just worried that your worrying will NOT do that little babe any favors....this is not like the last one, you WILL carry to term, you WILL have a beautiful healthy baby, you WILL!! I also have everybit of confidence of your ability to give birth...also to CARRY!

Okay, now, to your question...

I think the biggest thing is that you feel a connection with your midwife, and advise her of how you visualize your birthing experience, how much or little you are expecting from her...and see and feel what her response is. It is very important that you trust her to follow thru with your intentions...when you are not able to talk...because you'll be busy pushing that BEAUTIFUL HEALTHY BABY out....I'm sure you'll get much more advice, but I'm really just wanting to give you a big HUGE cyber

Peaceful thoughts to you,

Mamasoleil

[cottonwood]

I would first be honest with her and tell her exactly what you've told us. Seven weeks is really early, it is completely reasonable to be concerned about m/c because it's not an uncommon thing that early in pregnancy. She should understand, especially given your past m/c and long attempt to conceive, and not expect you to be all serene at this point! Chances are, of course, that the pregnancy is viable this time around, but that doesn't stop you from feeling vulnerable. Don't be hard on yourself, just tell yourself that this is completely normal and okay and that you will grow out of it as the pregnancy progresses and you know that baby's growing.

Now about deciding if this is the midwive for you... remember first that it often takes a while to get a feel for who someone is, and you shouldn't expect yourself to be able to decide if she is THE ONE in a matter of minutes. You can keep interviewing midwives and transfer care at any time that you like, right?

Well, if it were me... I would ask her straight out about what her licensing protocol demands of her, i.e., what specific actions are required of her during a normal birth, for instance, how often she'll need to check FHTs, how many vaginal exams, how long she can allow you to go past your due date, etc. Then I'd ask her what her tendencies are in terms of coaching, how she feels about me catching my own baby, and how she would feel about waiting in the other room until I requested help. Even if you end up choosing to have a more managed birth than that, her reactions to these questions would give you a good idea of how flexible she'd be willing to be.

When I was interviewing midwives for my second birth, I started by laying out my non-negotiables, such as no timing of contractions, no dilation checks, and no forced pushing. The first several midwives I talked to were very uncomfortable with me dictating these types of details. When I finally found a midwife who thought everything I was saying was completely sensible and reasonable, I knew I'd found the right one for me.

[SpiralWoman]

thank you

hi Mamaso & Sweetwater~
thanks for the warm & thoughtful responses. It is always so nice to know I can come here & lay it all on the line & not be judged!

My CPM has actually rescheduled for tonite & I am much more relaxed. I am feeling sure that an early u/s will do me a world of good bcz it will address my very specific concern of another blighted ovum & then I can just ratchet it down to normal pregnant-lady-worries & I will make it thru

As to her being "the one" I see that I was really hoping for "salvation" in the form of the perfect care-giver, & I am back to reality now. It is absolutely correct that she could be perfect for me now, helpful & able to set up the u/s, but I can still make a change later if need be. Also, I remember now, that just like while TTC, I did best when I viewed my medical care providers as resources, not as authorities.

So nice to be a bit more grounded in reality again! thanks again for your helpfulness & I will definitely be asking about the liscensing protocals, that is brilliant. I think you know right where I am coming from, I am picturing a really undisturbed birth, almost unattended in some sense & she just may not be able to do that, based on what's required of her.

blessings, maria

[hawleyclan]

Hi! Something to consider about having the birth you want with minimal hands on... you are in control of when you call your midwife to come to the birth. You can wait as long as you'd like, or call her to come as soon as you want... it is all up to you.

If she gets there and can tell you are in good active labor, or transition even, then she will know that the birth is almost done...

The Lord bless you!
Zoie