PLease be nice... I really need advice

[daileyjoy]

I really need advice here, this is the first time I have ever talked about this but if I don't find a solution I can't change and I love my children too much for that. I cant relate to my children, I can't get down on their level because of this I stay frustrated, they stay upset and in a way we just co-exist. I try so hard to be a good mother. I stay at home with them, homeschool, I monitor what they watch, listen too and eat but most of the time my interactions with them frustrate me. I try so hard to be the mother they deserve but I can't. We do family stuff with dh when he is home but I have a very hard time one on one with either of them. I love them so very much but there are so many things that I struggle with that prevents me from having the wonderful relationship I see mothers here with. I get frustrated so very easy and I see it effecting them and I dont know how to change that. I want to enjoy them but I don't know how. I want a friendship with them, I want them to want to stay with dh and I after they turn 18 and raise their children not run from us because I am always frustrated and upset. I need some advice and help on how to change so my I can find joy in raising my daughters and not look back one day and find them gone because I was not a better mother. I am open to anything and will answer any questions anyone has.....

Jennifer

[Irishmommy]

I have no advice for you, but I didn't want to read without posting.

[Potty Diva]

I would love to help you, but need a bit more information. What activities frustrate you? How are you displaying this frustration?

[UUMom]

I also did not want to read without sending you good thoughts.

Have you been in therapy before? You sound like you may have suffered as a child? Were you close with anyone?

I hope I am not sounding cruel asking. I am just putting thoughts out. It's hard to form close relationships if one was rejected when little. Is this your background at all?

If it is, there is healing out there. You need to heal you, so you can freely love your kids. There's a lot of love 'out there' for the taking. But we have to know how to accept it.

Wishing you peace.

[Cajunmomma]

I think that in some way we all feel like this. Is it possible that you actually do more with your girls than you realize? Even when I think that I'm not paying any attention to my kids, they think that we're doing more together than I do.

[bethwl]

Maybe homeschooling is not for you. What are your reasons for doing it? Perhaps if older dd was in school, you would feel less frustrated dealing only with your younger one. Or you could also find an activity just for you (a job, a hobby, volunteering). Maybe you need something that you love to do to renew you and prepare you for the often draining nature of time spent with kids.

I would suggest therapy to explore your feelings. I obviously know very little of your situation and don't expect you to share it here. Talking to a therapist could help get at the root of your frustrations and examine how to handle them and enjoy your daughters and express the love you feel for them.

I wish you the best.

[Jules411]

I agree with Bethwl, that maybe the homeschooling is too much and it is draining your emotional energy for being a mom. That was my first thought. Being with young children 24/7 is very draining emotionally and there is no time to recharge as parenting is a neverending job. No weekends off! There are times when I really don't feel like playing with (or even being around) my dds when I am emotionally drained. Like some other posts said, find something of interest for you (or even some kind of break from mom/teacher, getting coffee by yourself on Sat. mornings while DH has the girls). That may help you recharge.

I don't know what to tell you, really. Good luck to you!

[rockinmama]

Without knowing your situation just sensing from what you wrote, it seems that maybe you are getting mired in the "being a good vigilant mother" role- when perhaps you need to just let go a bit and enjoy the fun of the chaos!
The biggest lesson for me to learn every day is that things are not going to go as i expected them to! IMHO there really is no right way or wrong way to parent as long as everyone is lovingly moving forward everything will turn out alright.
Hope i helped even a little

~isis~

[nycapmom]

What kind of support are you getting from your DH? Other family members or friends? I wonder if you are just plain burned out? I know I feel burned out myself right now and I am only 4yrs into parenting. Maybe therapy would be a step in the right direction (I think virtually every human needs to go for therapy every once in a while) Also journaling can work wonders for sorting out our thoughts - I need to take my own advice here.
Wish I could help more.

[Beansmom]

I agree with the pp, maybe you are trying too hard. Parenting has become only a job, not a relationship. I know for me personally, I could not homeschool, I am just not cut out for it. I don't enjoy teaching and I get easily frustrated. Maybe you just need to relax a bit, don't worry so much about monitoring what they eat, watch and listen to every second. Start doing more for yourself, do you have hobbies that have been pushed aside for the kids? Start them up again and don't feel guilty doing something just for you. Sounds like you are just burned out. Speaking with a therapist may be a good idea too, if you think this problem runs deeper than that, but making a few small changes now could help too. Maybe talk to your dh or other friends/relatives about watching the kids more as well.

[OTMomma]

I wanted to offer you a I know what you are talking about when you say you can't get down on their level. Sometimes I feel like that with my dd. I keep hoping it will get better as she gets older, but I think it has more to do with me than her. The one thing I've tried that helps me is to block out my day into chunks for her and chunks for me. So for at least an hour each day she plays in her room and does whatever she wants, while I do a hobby or veg-out at MDC or whatever. I then feel like I can focus on dd in a positive way for a little while. Then I take another break to do house work, and she can help me when appropriate. I also find I do better when I think of dd as just another person I am sharing my life with, instead of an insane child I am responsible for every minute of the day. So I pick outings I want to do and tell her she can come with me, and try to just enjoy being with her instead of worrying about teaching her anything or if she has bad manners or whatever.

I hope this makes sense and is helpful.
Peace.

[Seasons]

I'm with the others, daileyjoy: if despite your username you don't enjoy parenting 24/7 (and looking around these boards, few people love it EVERY moment), do it part-time. Why not, yes, let the kids go to outside school (another benefit: they will now get some of their social needs met through other people, less stress on you) and get a job? I know I find great pride in being our family's breadwinner, a different kind of pride than mothering gives me.

Also, how is your support system? I don't really have one and that has contributed to my stress at times (I parent entirely on my own-no co-parent).

I'm sorry you're going through this, daileyjoy .

[Amoreena]

Dear Jennifer...

I'm a 46yo mother of two boys. We're homeschooling too, among other things. The AP/homeschooling/etc route sure can be challenging...

My first thoughts when reading your post just now for the first time were that I think you're being too hard on yourself and expecting too much. Perfectionism, perhaps.

Health sprang to mind. On all levels. Are you getting enough exercise? (I don't). Are you eating well enough? (I don't). Are you getting enough time for {YOU}? (I don't). Are you getting enough emotional support, release, nurturing? (I don't). Are you getting some form of spirtual nurturing? (I don't). Could you be reaching an age when hormonal changes might be having some additional effect? (when don't hormones have an effect? :-) ). I get some of all of these but not enough. It's such a struggle, it seems. Our culture doesn't help, we mothers are too isolated, and while I find these boards and forums of tremendous value, they also tend to, sometimes, keep us glued to our chair rather than up and moving. Speaking for myself I guess.

Then a couple book sprang to mind:

Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting by Jon Kabat-Zinn and his wife whose name is something like Myla.
http://www.mindfulnesstapes.com/author.html

Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen.
http://www.playfulparenting.com/

Thinking of you, hoping anything from me or others helps, sending love and

[bobica]

first of all to you! 2nd of all I can totally relate to you! I agree that you may be taking on too much with too much intensity so you're burnt out. Homeschooling isn't for everyone- I know it's not for me. I'm very fortunate (i feel) to work part-time. It gives me the fuel i need to be home with dd 2 days a week. i know that i'm a better mother to her b/c i am taking better care of myself by getting out of the house without her.

We all *want* to do it all, but it's not for everyone. Don't beat up on yourself, give yourself a good exam & listen to your own needs!

BTW, I just bought playful parenting- it comes very highly recommended!

[daileyjoy]

Thanks to you all for your kindness, I hope this post hits on all the topics and questions. Sending the children to school/daycare is not even an option my dh and I are 100% opposed to it, so I have to homeschool. Right now I have no support from anyone...dh works two jobs a total of 80 hours a week mostly nights and weekends and sleeps only 4-5 hours a day. He does not have enough time to even catch up on that much less help me parent. I hate it but I understand. It is a choice we made so I could stay at home. I am burnt out. I know this. I am tired. I have no car, no support system, and only a handful of friends most of whom seem to have more going on than I do. My dh and I are in the process changing a few things, possibly a move. More money less hours for him, and a car for me. I think this will help and truly I need to just put myself out there when this happens and make some friends and enjoy life outside the home. I thought about maybe joining the YMCA and taking some classes. I dont know I just need to make some proactive changes in my family and we will do better. Even this morning we have had no tv but instead played games and read books. It was hard for me but I was able to enjoy myself. We had a small meltdown but I seperated the girls until it was finished, it seemed to work out just fine. There are also a few problems with the girls that I seem to be unable to do anything about and that upsets me as well. Such as bedtime with a 4 year old. (I've read the posts here, I know it's just not mine) and a 9 year old who dispite the fact I taught her to think for herself it didn't occur to me that doing so would make my job harder, She hates chores and schoolwork, her room looks like her closet threw up. Will they grow out of this as well as the bickering, Should I ignore these things or what? I cant seemt o figure it out?
Well I have to run the kids need me, thanks for the hugs and sweet advice. I hope to hear some more advice from youn guys. Thanks

Jennifer

[Magella]

, Jennifer. Man, if my dh worked 80 hours a week and I had no car to get out, no support system, no time to myself and no time with friends I'd be pretty frustrated all the time too! I think there's nothing wrong with you, I think maybe you're stretched way too thin. I don't think any one mama was meant to meet all her kids needs all by herself.

I think it was great that you turned of the tv and spent some time just playing with your kids. That's so important, and in my experience a great way to nurture closeness with kids. I also think that somehow you need to find some time to nurture yourself. All mamas need that. All mamas need to get out or talk on the phone with friends sometimes too. But it is hard to get together with mamas who are just as busy as you, I know. Can you take some time for yourself-even 15 minutes-every day? My 3 year old and 5 year old don't nap anymore, but we have about 1/2 hour of quiet time every day (usually when the baby naps) where they color or look at books or just lay down and I do something I enjoy (like fool around on the computer or read a book). It also helps me to get outside every day (weather permitting) even if it's only for a short time.

I try so hard to be the mother they deserve but I can't.

They deserve a mama who loves them and is doing her best to parent them well. Hmmmm. That sounds an awful lot like YOU. So many of us want to be perfect or always want to be better. I think it's important to accept ourselves as we are and to realize what our strengths are. Only then can we grow and change for the better, because then we have something to build on. If we go around convincing ourselves we're horrible we'll never be what we want to be, we'll only stay horrible in our own minds.

I wish I had more help to offer. Please take care of yourself.

[rainbowmoon]

from what you wrote you sound like a VERY good mother to me I do think you sound burnt out though. I don't have any advice for you but I hope your move happens so you can get a break!

[mwherbs]

When I read your first post I was thinking what do you do for yourself. Then when I got to the second I see that you are in survival mode, are you eating and sleeping ok? Do you go to any homeschool groups? you might consider unschooling for a while or consider that you are going to be schooling year round and set that at a different pace. I would also recommend going to LLL and any other AP group that you don't have to do much other than participate with other women with similar values.
On line is fine but face time is more, when my children were little and I was trying to break up old family patterns I needed so much support. Isolation does not serve women as mothers. I would even just go to the park so that we could get fresh air and I didn't have so much to think about.
take care you will be ok breathe deep and be sure to feed yourself emotionally as well as physically

[OTMomma]

Jennifer, That sounds so tough with your dh working so hard! I can't imagine! But I do know its awful to be stuck at home and lonely. I've been lonely a lot myself lately. I have a minivan! PM me if you would like me to pick you and the girls up and all of us have an outing! I know my dd would love it!

[Fianna]

Wow. I don't know that have any sage advice but I wanted to offer hugs and support! I've had dear friends IRL who have been isolated with only one car for the family that the working spouse usually has to take to work. I imagine it's a very helpless feeling that develops because you literally have no way to get out. I truly hope that you and your dh have some opportunites for some changes in the future. He must feel very disconnected from you and his children in some ways if he is working that much. You guys truly are in survival mode.

This may sound terribly corny, but our inner dialogue is SO powerful. During the day, what messages are running through your head? Are they positive ones? Or negative ones? If you truly are committed to your current homeschooling situation, and it certainly sounds like you are, then you need to be telling yourself what a great job you are doing by making this commitment. I even recommend printing out or writing out positive comments and putting them around the house--bathroom mirrors, refrigerator, etc.
I know my inner dialogue determines my mood most days. For instance, when I am in the middle of doing something on the computer that I either really need to do or really want to do and I hear, "Maaaaammmmmaaaaa!" often my first reaction is an inner growl. Which can make me verbally snarl "WHAT!" Which immediately makes me feel guilty, and the downward spiral ensues. So I've really worked hard on stopping that negative response before it sets in. As much as I want to scream "WHAT!" I try really hard to think of the situation from my dds' viewpoint. They need me to be patient and loving and they truly appreciate when I am, which makes me feel good, which leads to more positive energy in the home, etc.
I know it sounds "simple" in some ways, but I really see such a difference in my attitude and feelings about motherhood and family life when I make a conscious effort to be positive, both in my own mind and in my outward actions.

And forcing yourself to be positive doesn't mean you don't need and deserve time for yourself. You do. And I hope you can find some other homeschooling families to form relationships with. I know the YMCA here offers PE classes for homeschoolers, so maybe you can find that in your area (and maybe you can find a family willing to give you rides there?) I hope you find some outlet and IRL support system. You need it and you deserve it.