PLease be nice... I really need advice - Page 2

[sagira]

Big hugs your way..

If you like homeschooling and it's the best option for you, go for it. But don't feel pressured that you HAVE to do it or you won't be a good mother. Trust in your heart that you are a wonderful mother and that you love your children and care for them. Take a bit of time out for yourself, read a book or two, do whatever you feel like. It doesn't have to be long, just an hour or two away from the children will work.

Write down what you'd like to do beforehand so you won't get stuck saying, "what do I do now?" to yourself.

I also recommend Playful Parenting by Larry Cohen.

My advice? Put on some music, dance with them, and take them to do some activities and pursue some interests you like, let them help you with cooking, cleaning around the house, and talk to them.

You may also start to enjoy your children more if you see them as assets and people with limitless potential for learning instead of liabilities or being underfoot. Involve them in your life more instead of the other way around. Let them help you and share your ideas for some fun activities with them.

Good luck!

[Rainbow]

This will be much shroter than I want, but the one thing I thought of but didn't see suggested was the 2 jobs your HD works, and that you stay home.

Is it possible for your DH and you to each work, and each parent? If you each had one job (different shifts) maybe the parenting would be more evenly split and you would get a daily break from the grind of mothering.

[mamalisa]

I was going to suggest the same thing Rainbow said. My dh spent 6 months working from 1 to 10pm and then 11pm to 4am, during that time I worked 5am to 10 am. We never saw each other and it was awful. It can be so hard with your dh gone all the time, for you and for the kids. They don't get any daddy time and you don't get a break. Can you guys somehow split the working and the parenting differently? It might be the best thing for everyone. It's ok to change your way of doing things if they aren't working. Being a stay at home mom was always my ideal, but honestly I was a better mama when I had a job. I plan to do something next spring, being home alone with 2 might be more than I can handle full time.

I think with kids you need to pick your battles. I have a 4 year old and I have joked that he's a Jeckyl and Hyde. Precious little lamb one minute, screeching tasmanian devil the next. It is so frustrating. Before I ask him to do something I try to find out what kind of frame of mind he's in. Sometimes it's just not worth it to try and make him put away his socks

I would guess that a 9 year old (having been one) is pretty much the same way. Does it matter if her room is clean? I'm not into making a kid keep their room a certain way, it's just not a biggie to me. As long as it's just clutter and not actual dirt, does it matter? It's her space and she has to deal with it. My room was always a disaster but I knew where to find my stuff, my mom never got that. I'm sure her having her own mind is frustrating but it is a good thing!! Try and listen to her reasoning, she might have a point, even though it would be easier for her to just do what you say! :LOL

Don't ever think you're a bad mama just because you're frustrated. Being aware of how hard it is and looking for a better way means you are a GOOD mama, who wants to do better! 's to you

[Autumnschild]

It sounds to me like you are a great parent and have poured all of your energy into nurturing these children. Perhaps you have forgotten to nurture yourself? When my patience runs out and I find myself frustrated, even aggravated by my children, it is always because I have forgotten to tend to myself and unknowingly, I begin to resent them for that. My suggestion to you is that you should find someone to care for the children maybe once a week or whatever suits your particular needs, and do something alone, just for you. Take a class, go to the library, a long drive...whatever you find relaxing or inspiring. The point is, you need to take time out for yourself, to nurture yourself or you will run out of energy to nurture the ones you love.

[mommykof5]

Have you spoken with your dr. about your feelings. Do not be afraid to. It does sound like you are streached way to thin trust me I've been there. However there was also a period when I was not happy, I was frustrated all the time, angry. I did not like myself. My dr. put me on an anti depressant for awhile until I felt better. It really helped. All the time I thought I'm not depressed I'm not crying all the time or nothing like that. I really do not know if it was true depression but the medication really did help. I did nurse on it and my dd was fine. I hope maybe this helps a little. ((((hugs))))

[daileyjoy]

Thank you all for your hugs and support, I really needed them. Although our vacation and move has been postponed till this fall due to dh's car needing work we went ahead and bought me a car to be safe, an extra for him when his is in the shop and so I can actually get out of the house (it seemed more inportant than a week vacation). I am really happy although it wont be mine to use for about a week while his is in the shop. I'm not sure what we are going to do about the rest of out lives that still need work on but now that the car issue is fixed maybe in a week we will sit down and try to decide what to do next. The job offered to dh with more money and shorter hours will still be there this fall if we have the money to make the move then. I have been putting more effort into the kids and being more proactive with them, it is helping. I think I was burnt out and I thought by giving them 50% of mom, I'd have 50% to myself but then they just felt ignored and became whiney and demanding which made my job harder, so I've been giving them more undivided attention and in return it seems they are allowing me a little time to myself. Such as Abby instead of putting her to bed and then getting upset because she keeps getting up, if I lay with her for 15-30 minutes she will fall right alseep and then I have the rest of the night to relax where as before I didnt get to relax because she was getting up all night until I was ready for bed and then my night was gone. I think I'm rambling.
THanks
Jennifer

[OTMomma]

So glad to hear that you are doing better!
Do call me if you want to hang out!

[EnviroBecca]

Maybe there are some ways your 9yo could help you more? She is old enough to be able to do a lot of different household tasks. Doing things for the family might be more appealing to her than cleaning up her room. Completing a "grown-up" job by herself may boost her self-esteem and make her want to do more. Working w/you on a chore (this goes for 4yo too) is an opportunity for her to come up to your level instead of you struggling to get down to hers. And you can even consider it part of homeschooling: it's home economics!

Please don't take an antidepressant. You have good reasons for feeling the way you do and need to retain the motivation to make healthy changes in your life. Taking drugs will only make it FEEL okay when it's not.

Fianna wrote:

This may sound terribly corny, but our inner dialogue is SO powerful.

That's not corny, that's what psychologists call cognitive therapy! It can be very effective when you're feeling horrible because you're getting overwhelmed by seeing a bad situation in the worst possible light. Try to come up with some encouraging things to tell yourself. When you feel really bad, write down what you feel, exaggerating as much as you want; then go back and think about the "evidence" that disproves each of your statements at least a little bit.

While you're waiting for the car, can you take some walks? Even if there isn't any "place" within walking distance, maybe you could walk around the block. Exercise and fresh air may help you feel better, and I bet you'll see something interesting--especially at this time of year, when there are new flowers every day!

Good luck!

[mamawanabe]

My mother NEVER got down on our level. Except for card games when we were older (like 3rd -6th grade) she NEVER played with us. She was a wonderful, loving sahm, but she wasn't a playing-type mom. We played with each other or alone. I had a great childhood.

My mom sat on the couch reading books, she cooked listening to NPR or cleaned listening to Fleetwood Mac. We didn't have a car during the day either, and in the summers she'd walk us to town to the library or the city pool (like a mile each way at least) every week or so. We'd talk to her and she'd listen (or half listen); I definately felt like my needs and wants were met. I understood that she was caring for us and mothering us but that she wasn't a playmate. Some moms are playing mom; some aren't. Both can be wonderful moms.

You know, one benefit of my mom never giving us more than 50% of her attention is that I never felt that pressure of being the center of someone elses world that can crush; I knew my life was mine completely and that my mom was just a person who loved and supported me, but whose life was hers.

Maybe if you didn't have it in your head that you have to be this happy, fun, wonderful, playfull mom, you'd have more patience and enjoy them more.

School can be a good thing (depending on the schools available). Don't stick to something (homeschooling) that furstrates you and your children just because you have it in your head that you have to do it. There are actually lost of options in terms of school. You can try one for a while and then change your mind.

[onlyzombiecat]

{{{{{{{hugs to you}}}}}}}}}
You sound really stressed out.
You are a great mom doing an outstanding job in a very stressful situation.
Lower your expectations for a bit and enjoy what you can.

[kayjayjay]

You have some good advice here, I just wanted to make a few comments. It looks like your daughters are close in age to mine, and I feel like our struggles are somewhat similar.

I also stay at home and homeschool and we are a one-car family. I hear people say all the time how awful it is and how much I must suffer being "stuck" at home with no car, but we've been doing this for years and I've discovered a few things. First, I'm proud that we only have one gas-guzzler. Second, we save an enormous amount of money. Not just on car payments, but on insurance and taxes and gas, and let me just say that it's really hard to spend money when you don't go shopping very often. :LOL Seriously, I try to focus on these things so that I keep positive thoughts about my situation.

Also, we have a few things that keep us sane. When the weather permits we get outside and walk. We walk to places much further than I ever thought we would. (The 4yo rides in a stroller.) The other thing we have that you may not have is the opportunity about once a week to take my DH to work and take the car to a homeschool group get-together. This is really good for all of us. I don't know if you can arrange it with your DH's schedule, but you might try it.

My oldest DD (nearly 9) sounds just like yours! I have really been trying to relax my schooling expectations and give her some space, and that helps both of us.

I could go on, but the baby just woke up. I hope you're having a good day.

[daileyjoy]

I was so worried that people would be mean to me because I was failing as a parent, I dont know what to say except thanks just reading these posts make me feel better, and have given me ideas about how to make my home life better. Thank you

Jennifer

[Jules411]

I am amazed at reading all the posts, lots of different ideas people came up with. I hope something here will work for you. Maybe even the words of encouragement and support is of some help.

This is kind of off topic, but I have to comment that I'm so glad everyone was nice to you. I feel so bad when people post and have to ask people first not to "flame them" or be otherwise mean. I see this plea frequently in various posts. When you are coming somewhere for support and help, the last thing you should have to worry about is someone flaming you.

So best of luck to you and your family. I hope you feel better about things soon.

[katja]

I think mamawanabe has a really interesting point. Something worth thinking about.

I just joined the YMCA and I think it really helps. The exercise feels good. Ours has free babysitting, and dd loves it. I can't believe how luxurious it feels to have that little break, being able to take my time getting dressed and undressed, my thoughts going uninterrupted. It's been so long!

I've noticed that getting out helps a lot, even in lousy weather. Just taking a little walk, letting dd run around, I mean I even feel a lot better when I just go out and turn the compost and let dd run around the yard.

You don't have to be perfect to have happy children. You can be perfect and have awful children. My mother was a raving b---- when I was growing up. The three of us turned out okay, all medium happy, no serious problems. All three of us are quite close to our mother. I guess one thing she did right was accept that we were our own people. We all have always been comfortable sharing things with her. Well, I don't know if that's relevant, but I thought I'd put it out there. Congratulations on the car.

[Plady]

Congratulations on having the new car! I know it can feel good to have only one gas guzzler in the family and only have to pay the associated costs for one, but in your case it sounds like being home all day without a way to get up and out with the kids was one major problem. With the ability to go out together you will have a much wider range of possibilities (homeschool groups, exercise classes, field trips, music/art/dance classes) that hopefully will get you a little time off too.
There is so much good advice here already, I really just wanted to send a