I'm reading Alfie Kohn's new book "Unconditional Parenting." He's talking about unconditional self-esteem in the section I'm reading, and I thought somethings he says are helpful for parents, especially mothers, to think about with regard to themselves. He says:
"People who, as a rule, don't think their value hinges on their performance are more likely to see failure as just a temporary setback, a problem to be solved."
Two researchers he quotes, Deci and Ryan, say that people with unconditional self-esteem "would probably feel pleased or excited when they succeed and disappointed when they fail. But their feelings of worth as people would not fluctuate as a function of those accomplishments, so they would not feel aggrandized and superior when they succed or depressed and worthless when they fail." (emphasis mine)
Kohn describes the wild fluctuations of one's feelings of worth (superior with success and worthless with failure) as being part of "the consequences of basing one's sense of worth on living up to a set of expectations, either other people's or one's own." (emphasis mine)
So this made me think of all the times I have made a mistake (or a grand series of mistakes) and concluded that I'm therefore a bad mother, rather than that I've made a mistake and will do it differently next time. It made me think of all the times mothers come here saying they feel like such bad mothers because they have made mistakes or aren't living up to their own expectations of what kind of mother they should be.
I'm thinking maybe mothers need to work on accepting ourselves as we are, flaws and all, so that our mistakes are setbacks rather than tragedies.
Just something to think about. That kind of self-acceptance is what we all want for our kids, yet so many of us don't have it for ourselves.
"People who, as a rule, don't think their value hinges on their performance are more likely to see failure as just a temporary setback, a problem to be solved."
Two researchers he quotes, Deci and Ryan, say that people with unconditional self-esteem "would probably feel pleased or excited when they succeed and disappointed when they fail. But their feelings of worth as people would not fluctuate as a function of those accomplishments, so they would not feel aggrandized and superior when they succed or depressed and worthless when they fail." (emphasis mine)
Kohn describes the wild fluctuations of one's feelings of worth (superior with success and worthless with failure) as being part of "the consequences of basing one's sense of worth on living up to a set of expectations, either other people's or one's own." (emphasis mine)
So this made me think of all the times I have made a mistake (or a grand series of mistakes) and concluded that I'm therefore a bad mother, rather than that I've made a mistake and will do it differently next time. It made me think of all the times mothers come here saying they feel like such bad mothers because they have made mistakes or aren't living up to their own expectations of what kind of mother they should be.
I'm thinking maybe mothers need to work on accepting ourselves as we are, flaws and all, so that our mistakes are setbacks rather than tragedies.
Just something to think about. That kind of self-acceptance is what we all want for our kids, yet so many of us don't have it for ourselves.
I just bookmarked this so I can remember the title of the book. Your words are exactly what I need right now in my life. I have more to say, as usual, but for now, I'll say thanks.
