Pregnant after a loss? Gather here.

[hypatia]

Hi everyone,

I thought it might be nice to have a thread for people who are pregnant after a loss, so that we have a place to express our fears without worrying about sounding like a downer.

How's everyone coping with pregnancy? Do you find it difficult to invest yourself in this baby? How are you managing to balance the terror and the joy?

I for one am all over the map, emotionally. Just ten minutes ago, I posted that I was feeling some degree of peace about my history of miscarriage. Which I am. I have hopes and plans for this baby. But I also have this terrible conviction that this pregnancy is doomed to end in miscarriage. I saw my sister with a cup of coffee today, and I thought, "I might as well be drinking coffee, too. What's the point in depriving myself when it's not like I'm going to have this baby, anyway?"

I don't know whether to embrace the negativity or be repulsed by it.

[Brenda2005]

Oh girl i'm having so many fears..even though my pregnancy has been confirmed i still don't think i'm pregnant or have a blighted ovum like i had before..you see all my tests came back positive before and i had a sac but when it came time for my u/s there was no baby in there..the sac was growing just fine..it was awful and i'm so scared it's happening again..every time i get the slightest cramp i'm a nervous wreck and would give anything to be sick to my stomach even though i know it sucks but it will tell me i'm still pregnant and have something growing in there..right before i found out about the blighted ovum my symptoms dissapeared..i'm so scared

[*Amy*]

Brenda, I had a similar experience with the blighted ovum ordeal. I went in to hear the heartbeat at ~8 weeks, and there wasn't one. I was terrified, but my MW said it was not too unusual and to come back at week 12 for another doppler. I started bleeding at week 11, and went in for an emergency ultrasound only to find that there was no baby. I had the gestational sac, but nothing in it. It was terrible. I had all of the normal symptoms though, included the appropriate HCG level for that time, nausea, huge breasts, you name it.

Now that I'm pregnant again (4W 2D), I do kind of wonder whether this baby is going to make it. Or if there is a baby at all. I'm going to have an ultrasound in about 3 weeks to verify that there is a heartbeat, so until then I'm just assuming that everything is OK. I think the odds of two miscarriages in a row are slim, but I know it's still possible.

I just don't want to be negative though, for my own peace of mind. I want to experience the bonding with the baby and I want to let myself have hopes and daydreams. I am alread totally invested, for better or for worse. I know this isn't how everyone copes, but it's the best for me, I think.

I've just asked my close friends (the ones I've told about this pregnancy) to pray or send out positive vibes, and I am doing the same thing. And I just tell myself whatever will be will be.

[Barbee]

i also go through periods of peace and then total panic. sometimes i'm afraid to use the restroom because i might find that i'm bleeding. i actually did spot at 5weeks and thought for sure it was over until i got my betas done and now i've been obsessing over molar pregnancies because my betas were so high. i had to stop myself because any research leads me to that conclusion even though the symptoms are vague. one of the symptoms of a molar pregnancy is nausea!! i thought nausea was supposed to be comforting.. : anyway, i'm really trying hard to take it day by day. and, i find that it's getting easier.

[Slackermom]

I've had both a missed m/c and an ectopic, so I'm all over the map in my fears! In general, though, I feel really positive about this pregnancy. But I also felt positive about the first one, and then we had the ultrasound at 8 weeks that showed no heartbeat. So, I struggle with trusting my own instincts, and trusting that all is truly well.

My doctor is out of town for another week, so I can't get in to see her until April 4th. She had planned on doing a series of betas as soon as we found out I am pg. By the time she's back ,there won't really be any point. I kind of freaked out about this at first, and then I just felt really calm. Because the thing is, even if I had my HcG levels tested, that isn't going to ensure the outcome of the pregnancy -- if anything, it might cause me even more stress, waiting for and comparing the results. I just have to try to relax and believe that everything is okay.

I'll be going for an early ultrasound as soon as she can book one for me. I hate ultrasounds SO much. So many bad memories. I have friends who get so excited before theirs (or just take it for granted that it will be exciting and fun), and I feel like I'm on a whole different planet.

[Barbee]

jellyfishy-i can relate to the u/s fear. i'm waiting on mine until they can do an external, but i know i'm going to be really nervous.

[Tuckersmom]

OK, I have been going back and forth whether or not I wanted to post, but here goes our story so far... We miscarried last time at twelve weeks nad it was devastating to the whole family, not to mention a medical nghtmare. (another really long story) Also, I have a bicornuate uterus, so my risk of mc is higher anyways. So when I passed 3 lage clots at 6 weeks, I assumed that I had lost this baby too and just kind of numbly went about my life. A week later, when I was still viciously ill, we decided to go in and see how quickly my hcg levels were dropping. They were going down, but not very fast. I assumed it wqas probably because I wasn't eating, drinking , or even getting out of bed because of the nausea. The dr wanted to do another blood test and I said I would get in as soon as we had a car available. The next day I had a niagra falls type gushing of blood that lasted all night. So I figured, why bother going in, maybe the mc just was running kind of slowly. A week after that... still sick as all get out, so I go back in to the lovely dr and she says my levels are going up (still pg!), but not as fast as she would like and that she wanted me to go to an obgyn. I explained that I go to a midwife for prenatal care and she kind of laughs and says, yeah ok, well go to an obgyn anyways. lol So, actually since then, I haven't done anything. I have had one more big gush of blood since, but no more clots. i am going to call the midwife we picked out tomorrow and see what she thinks I should do. I guess I am just thinking if this baby has stuck it out through all of this, well, its one tough little cookie, ykwim? Its really been hard for me because I want to be excited, but I really don't want to be hurt again. We have already decided that if this time doesn't end positively that we are done trying, which is hard to think about too. I just keep going back and forth trying to decide which pregnancy this is more like, because I bled when I was pg with DS also, but it really is unlike either of them.

[Awaken]

Thanks so much for starting this thread. It is great to be able to share with others who have been through a loss. I don't want to talk about it too much on the other threads so as not to freak people out. But of course there is an underlying fear that is always there.

I had a blighted ovum in Nov., which we unfortunately did not discover until 12 weeks. Since the baby had been gone for many weeks already with no signs of miscarrying, I had to have a d&c- started hemmoraging on the way to the hosp, that was quite a gruesome scene.

So now here I am again... allowing myself to get excited this time b/c I feel like the odds have to be on my side- this can't happen to me twice in a row! And already I am having more pg symptoms at 4 1/2 weeks than I ever did with the last pg.

Tuckersmom- thinking of you. I know you must be going through such an emotional roller coaster right now. Wishing you the very best. Let us know how you're doing and what happens.

[hypatia]

Tuckersmom That sounds like an awful saga you are going through. I don't know enough about HCG levels to have any idea what is going on with your pregnancy.

If you quit trying again, will it be because the miscarriage rollercoaster is too much for you to bear? Or do you also have ambivalence about having another child?

Mary Hi, nice to see you here. Is everything going alright? You said in another thread you wanted them to do tests on you and they refused?

[Slackermom]

How is everyone doing today? It's so nice to know I'm not the only one with these worries.

About an hour ago I RAN to the washroom, because I felt something, um, leaking. I was terrified to even look at my underpants, but it was only CM, not blood, thank goodness. I swear, I'm going to have a nervous breakdown before I get out of the first trimester!

I have to say, though, I feel generally positive about this pregnancy. I've got no choice, really. I either trust that all is well, or go completely mad.

I'm seeing a naturopath three times a week, and that's helping me mentally, if not physically. She's doing accupuncture to try to increase my energy flow to the uterus.

Have a good day everyone! Stay positive!

[Tuckersmom]

Originally Posted by hypatia

Tuckersmom That sounds like an awful saga you are going through. I don't know enough about HCG levels to have any idea what is going on with your pregnancy.

If you quit trying again, will it be because the miscarriage rollercoaster is too much for you to bear? Or do you also have ambivalence about having another child?

actually both. I certainl don't think I could go through this again mentally, but it has also been such a physical mess that I feel just terrible for DS, his world has been just turned upside down... I have been on bedrest off and on for 2 months, and poor DH had to all but quit his job to take care of DS and I. In the first 2 weeks of morning sickness, I went down 15 lbs. It has just been too hard in general to think about doing again.

I have always wanted two kids, but its hard to see DS not have me be there for him like I was before. We were super close and now, well, we're just not. He has had to rely on his daddy ALOT lately. And I know that this is a preview of what is to come after the baby is born too. I go through days were I get sooo mad at myself for even getting pg in the first place. Anyone else feel like that?



Side note: I just figured out yesterday that I am actually due in Oct, can I still hang out here? Who knows were I learned to count... lol

[hypatia]

Tuckersmom, It does sound like you and your family must have been through a lot. Bed rest sounds awful -- I can't imagine trying to take care of a child on bed rest. And maintaining enough emotional balance to nurture him, while you're going through all of this.

I empathize with your concerns about your relationship with your son. My number one worry about having another baby is that it would damage my relationship with my DS. I really enjoy our one-on-one time, and I don't really want it to be interrupted by a little intruder, however beloved. I fear I have overcommitted, taking on the responsibility of two at once. Sometimes I think, at least if I have another miscarriage I will be able to give DS the attention that he deserves. And it doesn't help me feel any less worried to know that these are mundane concerns, that lots of people have two kids and lots more and it all works out fine. And then I think, if I have so many doubts, why am I so worried about having another miscarriage?

[*Amy*]

Jellyfishy,

I felt something, um, leaking. I was terrified to even look at my underpants, but it was only CM, not blood, thank goodness. I swear, I'm going to have a nervous breakdown before I get out of the first trimester!

ME TOO! I have been having that CM experience for days now, and *every* time, I let out a hugh sigh of relief. It is scary!!

Also...I don't have overwhelming nausea or breast tenderness yet, so I'm thinking, is everything OK? I actually went and had blood drawn so I could get my beta levels checked. I will get the results back tomorrow. I'm not really worried but it will be nice to know that they are in the right range. I'll have them tested again next Wednesday so I can see whether they are rising appropriately. But really, I am thinking positive too. If it doesn't work out this time, well at least DH and I know we are super-fertile! :LOL

Tuckersmom, I hope you are doing OK today.

[Barbee]

i have the cm panic too. there's so much of it!! anyway, i had a mini panic attack lastnight and for some reason was sure i was going to start bleeding. totally irrational, i know, but nevertheless i was in the bathroom about every 10 minutes. no bleeding.
tuckersmom-this is our first. i can't imagine taking care of a little one with all this m/s, let alone be on bedrest at the same time. you're a hero!! my heart goes out to you and it will all even out in the wash i'm sure. it's nice that ds can rely on your dh right now. that can only be good for him.
today, i feel a little crampy. must be the uterus expanding. i have no bleeding, so i'm not going to worry too much. i cannot wait for that second trimester!!!

[pixiedust]

Nice to see some other people living in constant paronia like I am. I did get to see my little bean's heartbeat yesterday but am still worried. One of my m/c's happened after the baby had actually developed past this point BUT I do fell much much better after seeing the little flicker. We've had 4 m/c's in the last 1 1/2 years so I'm extremely anxious with this pregnancy. I did some research and found several vitamins that are supposed to help prevent m/c and am taking those so I'm hoping that helps. I also have to be on progesterone supplements since we found out I have VERY low levels. So far so good.

[Awaken]

LOL, so glad to hear I'm not the only one who's panicking! Every time I go to the bathroom I prepare myself to see blood.

I was so down yesterday- I had a nightmare in which I had to drive to some kind of industrial building to get my bloodwork results, and some rude impersonal clerical person said my numbers looked terrible and I'd be very lucky to still have a baby in November. Then I woke up and my temp was lower than usual (I'm still temping). And I didn't feel nauseous at all yest. But today my temp is up again and I'm sick again so I'm a little happier!

hypatia- thanks for asking. It wasn't anything adversarial that they wouldn't let me come in just for bloodwork- I just didn't want to go through the whole 1st prenatal thing only to have it end again like last time, but they want me to come in for the whole appt, bloodwork, and they will send me for an u/s. Plus if it's the whole appointment, I have to find a babysitter for ds.

tuckersmom- What is going on today? I hope you're feeling all right.

Oh, and I am totally with you all on wondering how it's going to be, having to be all-consumed by a new little one, and not having the time to spend with our first kids. My ds is very high needs, and I don't know how we are going to do it! I will feel sad that I won't have the one on one time with him that I do now- he is equally close to dh and I, but for him to spend most of his time with dh while I care for the baby will be a hard adjustment.

Have a great day everyone!

[Barbee]

itsybitsy-i'm always afraid that i'm going to see blood when i use the restroom. sometimes i'm afraid to go. except for a spot three weeks ago, i haven't seen any.

pixiedust-congratulations on seeing your baby's heartbeat!!! how exciting. you're going to be fine. did you just find out about your low progesterone levels? a friend of mine had to go through four m/c's before finding out her levels were low. : she now has two gorgeous sons and, since taking progesterone supps, hasn't had another m/c.

yesterday, my cramps got really bad. it turns out, it was just gas. sometimes, it's hard to tell the difference. also, it seems that my m/s partly took the day off yesterday which made me even more paranoid. it was back full blown today though as a gentle reminder that i really do have a growing baby inside of me.

when is everyone due? my edd is november 6th.

[Awaken]

pixiedust- I meant to add, CONGRATS on seeing the little heartbeat!! What an awesome feeling! I'm so glad for you.

I still have 2 weeks before my 1st appointment, then the u/s after that! Although I am so anxious to have it done asap, it is really going to be hard to go back to the same u/s place, and lay on the table, and wait to see the heartbeat- only a few months ago I was doing that same thing and found out the baby was gone It's going to bring back some difficult memories. However, this time hopefully it'll be great news and that will replace the bad memories!

[dani76]

I am actually in the June club, but saw this thread and thought I'd join in. In October of '03 I had an ectopic that resulted in emergency surgery and my right tube being removed. We tried to get pregnant by temping and charting. I had a HSG in August of '04 to check my remaining tube. All was good. We found out we were pregnant in October of '04.

Even though I am 27 weeks pregnant, I still check the toilet paper everytime I got to the bathroom. I don't know if that fear ever goes away. My dh was very hesitant to get excited about this pregnancy right away. But as scared as I was, I wanted to enjoy everyday that I got to be pregnant. And I have. Unfortunately, not every pregnancy results in a live baby. But you can enjoy and embrace everyday that you have that baby with you.

I know that everyone's journey is different, and I'm not saying that everyone should feel the way I do. But staying positive has worked for me. Good luck!!

[Awaken]

[QUOTE=dani76]My dh was very hesitant to get excited about this pregnancy right away. But as scared as I was, I wanted to enjoy everyday that I got to be pregnant. And I have. Unfortunately, not every pregnancy results in a live baby. But you can enjoy and embrace everyday that you have that baby with you.
QUOTE]

I was in the June club with you

Same thing going on here as far as dh holding back from getting too interested and excited about anything- hopefully after the u/s he will get into it more.

I agree on wanting to enjoy every minute of it- sure, I know the reality, which is this one might not make it either, but it MIGHT, so I want to remember this pregnancy with joy! And the baby deserves love and excitement for however long it lives, so I am giving it all my positive energy!

Anyway- what I wanted to say today was- isn't it strange to answer when people ask which child this is for you? I have had to tell 2 complete strangers that I'm pg for various reasons (we haven't told anyone yet)- and the first thing they say is "oh is it your first?" and I am about to say "no, it's my 3rd"- then I have to think for a minute- and say, "no, my second". It feels wrong to deny the baby that isn't here now, yet I am not going to tell every person I meet that I had a m/c! Can anyone relate?

How is everyone doing?