Do your siblings/in-law siblings AP?

[Quirky]

I've seen threads in the past about posters' siblings and/or in-law siblings being very un-AP, and the conflicts that can cause in terms of their attitudes towards our parenting choices or their behavior towards our kids. It got me wondering - do your siblings and/or partners' siblings parent AP? If so, was it because you were raised in an AP family? If not, what leads siblings to parent so differently?

[Quirky]

To answer my own post - I have 2 sisters, both married, one pregnant and expecting their first child in August ( Hi N!) I'm confident she and my BIL will be very AP (breastfeeding, babywearing, at least partial co-sleeping, gentle discipline, etc). I'm pretty sure my other sister will be fairly AP as well.

A lot of our upbringing was pretty AP - mom nursed all three of us and was a very involved parent (dad not so much), although she did spank the crap out of us, at least me and my middle sister. (I think that's what led me to GD). Although I think it likely my sisters would have found their own way to AP, they've definitely heard a lot from me about it.

My in-laws - not so much on the AP side of things. A little CIO, not so much breastfeeding, fairly GD although heavy on the time-outs (at least no hitting that I know of). All the boys are circed "to look like daddy." We're pretty far out and wacky as far as they're concerned, although they're fairly good at keeping their opinions of our wackiness to themselves.

[captain optimism]

My husband's sisters have children. The oldest has one and the younger has two. They both breastfed, I believe, as did my MIL (and my mom.) Aside from that, i am not sure how to classify their parenting. I think they do the best they can and that they are damaged people. The older sister was a hitter and a yeller, the younger sister obviously favors her younger child over his sister, and they both have weird issues about food. They love their children, that's obvious, and their children are wonderful. But it makes me so sad and so frustrated to see devoted moms behave the way they do. I don't doubt the devotion, but the parenting is dreadful.

Why is my dh so different from them? They are much older, and the family when he was growing up was a different family. His parents had a lot more financial stability and they knew a lot more about being parents when he was little. Plus, they are girls and he, a boy, and even though the parents would never admit to favoring him as a boy, they totally did. Especially his mom.

Anyway, I had a mom who was similarly damaged to these younger women and I really wonder whether I am going to be able to be the mom I want to be. I don't want to be an angry yeller, never able to give a hug or express my love through anything but anxiety. so I have both sympathy and empathy for these women, though when I first came into the family I was terribly upset to see my beloved and wonderful nieces getting the short end of the stick in so many ways.

My sister doesn't have children yet. I think she will probably not nurse as long as I am doing, nor to I expect her to be so crunchy. But I anticipate she will give a lot of hugs and kisses, as she has generally modelled herself on my grandma, who was so affectionate. So I look forward to seeing that.

[UnschoolnMa]

My husbands family doesn't even know the term AP, and they do not agree with the philosophy at all. They are of the "raise em' up to be tough" from the start type crud. My brother and his wife come closer but not by much

[Boobs]

My brother and sil are my AP role models. They have taught me everything I know. I didn't start out an AP parent with dd. I used to think they were crazy!

[maya44]

My dh was raised fairly AP and has three sisters and the breakdown is like this:

SIL #1 VERY AP/NFL but its all not working very well. Her kids don't sleep, always seem cranky and out of control. Her house is a mess etc... She is homeschooling but SIL #2 is urging her to put them in school because she feels that her sisters mental health needs require it.

SIL #2 VERY AP, not very NFL (Vaxes) and (Circs...we are jewish and her dh is a rabbi by training so it was not up for discussion). She is the coolest person I know. Kids are wonderful. Extended BF and co-sleep for a long time both very sucessfully. She homeschooled in the early grades, but oldest now in religious middle school and she likes it so much she may put the other two in the same school.


SIL #3: VERY Mainstream though uses (some) GD (no spanking ). Very unaccpeting of her sisters's choices. Her kids are those perfect kinds. Beautiful, brilliant, great artists and athletes. Really kind nice and funny.

ME: Well I am pretty mainstream, except I am more open to the choices my SIL's have made than SIL #3. In fact that is why I am on these boards. So I stay educated and can talk to them. I do GD. I think my kids are great but I am a little prejudiced. (LOL)

[sarahmae1]

I didn't vote because we're the only ones who have kids! No one else is planning on having kids for a long time - they're not even married or anything yet either. I hope to influence them to be at least a little AP once I find out they are trying or pg though!

[mamalisa]

I can't vote since we're the only ones with kids so far. I'm pretty sure my dh's sister will follow most of how we raise our kids. She has finally come to a point where she really respects our parenting. It took her a long time to get over being offended that we wouldn't let anyone watch our ds to totally understanding where we were coming from.

My sister, if she really plans on marrying her current boyfriend, no way. He has two kids and though he doesn't spank, he's not gentle or AP in any way.

My brother and his wife I'm pretty sure will be AP. She's been a prechool teacher and is a very gentle soul. Hopefully my brother will be like me and turn away from the way we were raised and go the opposite!

[poppyqwn]

My SIL is the only other one that has children. She is a great mom, but I differnt on several points. I don't know if she is AP she does BF, she used a sling for a while, and CD. However she does CIO and spanks.

[eilonwy]

Mike's sister has no children and probably never will, but I can say without any hesitation that she'd be a very mainstream parent.

My younger sister has two kids and is pretty much the antithesis of AP. She avoids spending time with her children whenever possible.

One of my SIL's has no kids; I'm 99% certain that she would do everything as mainstream as possible, because *I* am fairly attached to my children and I am poor; therefore, anything I do is for poor people and thus not for her.

My other SIL leaned towards the mainstream, but has been totally crunchified by my influence; if anything she will be crunchier than I someday!

I am "average" when it comes to MDC; I'm nursing both of my children (28 months and 8 months), we sleep together, I wear them both in slings (usually one at a time!) and we use cloth diapers. I also do lots of things on the NFL front, but not as many as I'd like to. There are many not-so-crunchy things about me; we drive *a lot* (though, to my credit, we rarely drive when we can walk), drink soda, and have been known to use paper diapers in extenuating circumstances. Compared to the general population, I am apparently very crunchy; in terms of MDC, I consider myself to be of average crunchiness.

[Quirky]

It's interesting to see the different results....I sometimes wonder whether people find their way to AP because it was the way they were raised or because it was NOT the way they were raised (I think of my mom spanking us and my utter determination NOT to treat my children that way because of how much it hurt both physically and emotionally).

I also wonder whether our siblings/in-laws are influenced by us and vice-versa....whether my sisters will parent like I do because they love and respect me and see the great results with my kids, and conversely whether my in-laws might shy away from some AP/NFL stuff because *I* advocate it (and I'm a crunchy wacko). For example, we tried to persuade my BIL/SIL not to circ their ds (for total WASPy "look like daddy and circing is upper crust" reasons) and I wonder whether it might have backfired precisely because they think I'm a freak. Or whether some of us came to AP because we saw our sibs being un-AP with their kids.

Anyway, just musing....

[Sofiamomma]

I'm pretty AP, but am working the hardest on GD. My parents were not AP, but more NFL in many ways. My mom did breastfeed, natural childbirth, LLL, etc. That's probably what got me headed down that path. My sister is very AP, GD, NFL, etc. I would imagine she is somewhat influenced by both myself and our mother, both what to do and what not to do. I'm sure she has also come to it through other experiences as well.

The older of my younger brothers is very AP, NFL minded. He is going thru a divorce, but I imagine that when he finds a compatible partner he will AP. The youngest though is pretty mainstream at this point. As is his new wife. Hopefully, they will they will see the light by the time they have kids! Maybe I should buy them a gift subscription to Mothering! :LOL

[mamawanabe]

My siblings-in-law don't ap, but they practice gentle, respectful parenting.

My siblings don't have kids yet. I'm sure my sister will be as incohate mess of a parent as she is a person (noting you could label AP or mainstream - but everything inconsistant and ineffective). My brother, I have no clue.

My parents were NOT ap (they spanked and cio), but they were more liberal minded about bringing up kids than they actually practiced (I guess when push came to shove, they fell back on how they had been raised). I believe my mom would have been ap if it was up to her (NOTHING in that house was up to her). So that is where I got my AP tendencies (that and temperment).

DH's siblings - well, they are all insanely laid-back, and I think such temperments lend themselves to gentle, respectfull parenting. It is certainly why he and his siblings were raised in a house that was kid-kind; believe me, MIL NEVER read a book or thought about parenting practices. She just hung out with her kids and enjoyed them, much like his siblings are doing, without breastfeeding or eschewing babysitters or co-sleeping, but also without spanking or CIO or shaming.

[USAmma]

I can't reply because I don't have any siblings (my mom has two minor children that I haven't seen in years), and my dh's sister does not have children.

However my dh was born/raised in India and I know they co-slept for ages, my MIL tried to bf both of them but had hormone/milk problems, and they were carried and coddled and fed by hand until school age.

[LunaMom]

I can't vote because none of the choices are right for me.

The thing is, I don't like the "AP" label when it is used as a strict set of rules. I tend to think of people as "AP" when I see them parenting their children respectfully from birth. What that means to me, in a nutshell, is taking the feelings of the child into consideration and treating that child with kindness, understanding and compassion rather than trying to control the child.

With that definition, a person does not need to sling, cosleep, or even breastfeed to be "AP." I have a brother and DH has a sister, and both are married with one child each. They have made lots of choices and there has been some breastfeeding (both SILs did, although my brother's wife had to pump for three months because her DD started life in the NICU and never learned to latch properly), no cosleeping that I know of, perhaps some time-outs but no spanking and mostly respectful discipline.

Some would not call either family "AP," but by that definition, I wouldn't be either. DD was exclusively breastfed, but slept on her own. We responded to her sensitively, but didn't sling her (more from lack of info than anything else), and we continue to use gentle discipline. That's us!

[jessemoon]

I voted "some-do, some-don't" because that is the closest to describing it for us...all of my in-laws are at least a little AP.

My own bro doesn't have kids yet, so all I have are in-laws to vote about. I would say that while I'm the only NFL crunchy one (i.e. cloth diapers, delayed vax, organic food etc.), there are varying levels of APness in all three of my neice's/nephews' lives.

My oldest niece is 5 and was BF and worn and co-slept for a few months. Her parents split up when she was 1 1/2, though and I haven't seen as much of her as I would like. She attends Montessori school and both of her parents are fairly GD.

My other niece is 2 1/2 and her mama was very young when she was born. She was BF for about 9 months and co-slept for some of that time. She has also spent time living with her grandmother and her father (her mom lived in another city for a year). I don't think it is usually very AP to leave your child with someone else for a year...but my SIL was going through some very tough emotional times, so I can't pass judgement on that. I think, though that while she has certainly been lucky enough to be surrounded by loving adults, that she is probably the child who is the least raised by what I would consider AP ideals. That being said, she is a remarkable little girl!

My nephew (4 months older than my ds) is probably being raised closest to how I am trying to raise ds. He is still BF at 18 months and going strong. He never really co-slept (he was one of those rare babies who slept solidly in his own bed from about 8 weeks on without a peep and has never looked back). His parents are very gentle with him and definitely listen to his cues. He is circed , but I think that my SIL regrets that and now knows more intact baby boys and wouldn't do it again.

I feel very lucky that my in-laws are respectful and supportive of our parenting choices. I have support from my own family as well, but it would be tough if my dh's siblings thought I was a wacko. Even though ds is the youngest cousin, I feel like at least two of my SILs defer to me and ask my advice about things. This feels a little funny, but I think it is because I come across as having done my research and having strong convictions about parenting.

[iris0110]

I voted that we are the only AP parents in the bunch. In my family it is only my brother and I. My mom was fairly ap with us when we were tiny, co-sleepings, bfing and GDing. She never spanked us that I can remember. But when we got older, (I think I was 3 and my brother was 1.5) she went to work. She worked long hours and my grandmother essentialy raised us. There was nothing AP about that woman. I still have nightmares about her, and she has been dead for 4 years.

My Brother has a son by an ex-girlfriend. He keeps him once a week and my parents keep him once a week. Dn's mother tries very hard to be a good parent, but she equates good parenting with strictness. She bottle fed, uses CIO, and spanks and yells. She also overfeeds him (three large jars of baby food plus macs and cheese are an average meal for him and he is only 18 months). I know she loves him very much, but I wish she would try a different parenting method.

Dh is the youngest of four kids. His parents were fairly AP. His mom ebf'd the kids, and co-slept. But they definately didn't use GD. Dh talks about a belt and a paddle being used quite frequently on he and his two brothers. They have really mellowed in their age though and now they are very lenient with their grandchildren. MIL has become interested in no-vax and holistic medicine. They don't use poisons or harsh cleaning solutions (just vinegar, water and citrus oils) and buy organic foods when possible.

Dh's Sister is the oldest. She is married and has two daughters. I would say her parenting is about middle of the road. She is pretty laid back about parenting in general which I think has been good for her kids. She breastfeeds, but supplements with formula when she is working. She has been leaving her youngest with MIL for long weekend trips since the baby was just a few months old. She and BIL vax and BIL spanks the oldest girl.

Dh's Brother is four years older than Dh. He is married and has two kids, a boy and a girl. I would say BIL and SIL are extremely mainstream. BIL is a nice guy, we love spending time with him and he is super with Ds. But he isn't a very good father. He is a very selfish person, everything is about him and what he wants. He also works 60+ hours a week. He taught his 7 yr old son that he doesn't have to listen to women. The little boy runs amok and is terribly disrespectful to everyone around him. He will not listen and destroys the furniture at MIL and FIL's house. He whines incessantly until BIL and SIL let him have his way. He is rough and won't take no for an answer. SIL recently became an RN and is now obsessed with germs. She didn't let their daughter down on the floor until she was 1yr old. The poor child never learned to crawl. She spanks the kids when they don't behave, but gives in to her son's whining. She only works 30 hours a week, but she leaves the kids with her sister so she can go out. She may spend 20 hours a week at home with her kids, and most of those hours she spends sleeping. She is also paranoid. She makes the kids hide when some one rings the doorbell, and won't let them play with the other kids in the neighborhood because the moms are "talking about her behind her back". We haven't seen them since Christmas, and probably won't see them again until one of the kids B-days.

Dh's other brother isn't married and doesn't have any kids.