racist (but otherwise OK) FIL - what to do?

[because]

I know that FIL is racist; he knows that I don't deal well with racists because I told off DH's uncle at Christmas for some racists comments.

FIL is otherwise an upstanding guy (no drugs, drinking, smoking, abusing, is good to DD and me, etc) but he often makes racist comments. Yesterday, he was telling DH (in front of me but luckily DD was in another room) that we shouldn't move to a particular area because there "are a lot of blacks." Another area wasn't good enough for him because of Indians. After he says this, he asks DH (still in front of me) if I'm going to get mad at him. I look at him unable to form a coherent comment and just pinch my lips as if to say, "I've got nothing to say to you."

Now, I should have said, "It's a free country and you can say whatever you want, especially in your own home. I can't have my daughter exposed to racism, though, so I won't be able to bring her here if I think she'll hear this kind of thing." I think that would have been clear that I didn't approve but also somewhat calm and polite enough not to burn any bridges.

What do I do? How do I not ruin the decent relationship that I and DD have with the ILs? How to I protect her? How do I make it clear to him?

Grrrr!

[captain optimism]

I like what you say you should have said. The only problem is, this is your dh's dad, so maybe you need to discuss it with your dh?

[Ravin]

My maternal grandfather and, occasionally, my father hae said stupid things like that in the past. My grandfather died when I was 12, and as I grew up I just learned to take into account his upbringing (poor, white, Arkansas, grew up during the Depression) and discounted such things I'd heard from him.

My father's bigotry was more subtle, so I pretty much missed it as a kid, and he's learned when to keep his mouth shut as he's gotten older.

If he said something like that in front of me, I'd just tell him he was being ignorant and move on. He also tends to be sexist, and I'll call him on that, too.

I don't think it's necessarily something that warrants never taking your child around him, if the main influences in your DS's life are NOT racist (which would be you, so no prob there). If he was in the KKK w/ a hood on the wall next to his gun case, that would be another matter.

[mamalisa]

I think as your child gets older it will be easier to "correct" him as he says these things. "Oh grampa is so silly, he thinks that _____ make bad neighbors, isn't that silly?"

My mil has a habit of saying "they" and "the blacks" as if they're a family down the street. "Have you met The Blacks? Such a nice family!" We all tend to get on her about it and then she just looks stupid. But she's not arguementative at all so teasing her makes it easy to deal with.

What does your dh say about it?

[dido1]

MY MIL is the Same

My MIL is South American and has some amazingly racist tendencies...in the past I have chosen to ignore or make fun of her comments, but now that my DS is around, I intend to directly call her on her comments and let her know that expressing these types of attitudes around my son is NOT okay and will result in limited access.

[AmyAngel]

My father tends to say racist things sometimes including the awful "n" word, I think it does have a lot to do with upbringing. The schools in our area weren't integrated until after he graduated, and so he never was around people of other races as a child. The people he personally KNOWS are all great - he really likes the Black family down the street for example, and the Mexican guys he works with are all "really nice guys", but he says racist things about them as a group. I don't really understand it, and my sisters and I try to call him on it every time he says something like that. My mom just keeps telling him he's gonna say it in front of the wrong person and get himself shot, which I think kind of perpetuates the racism in a different way.

When I tell the parents that I'm adopting, they will get the "If you ever use that word or any other racist word in front of my child, you will never be allowed unsupervised time with her" speech. My daughter will be Chinese, so this is a critical issue for me. If they say anything racist about HER, they'll never see her again.

I think you should sit down with him and tell him what you should have said - you worded it very well, I think. He needs to understand that the US (the world, really) is becoming increasingly multi-cultural and tolerance is key to success. I'm not sure HOW to make him understand that though.

[Throkmorton]

I dealt with a similar thing, and it was surprisingly easy. I just said "Dad, [DS] will be going to school with lots of Indian and Chinese kids, so I would really appreciate it if you could keep your overly racist comments to yourself, lest he tell one of them 'my Grandpa says...."

And it worked! Go figure, it never worked when we were kids and I would tell him that wasn't right.

[maya44]

I think nothing makes an impression on a child like the parent discussing with them the flaws of another adult.

I wouldn't keep my child from him. I would tell him in front of her that "we don't believe that at all. We think everyone is equal."

As she ages, I'd discuss privately with her that you and dh think Grandpa's view are really, really wrong.

I'd discuss your beliefs with her and the morality of treating all people as equals.

This can help her believe better than keeping things from her.

[peaceful herbivore]

As you can imagine, I was mortified a few months ago with the inlaws...listening to my FIL blow off for about 20 minutes, rather loudly about how these "damn foreigners" expect everyone to cater to them and why the hell can't they learn English....oh, did I mention we were in a traditional mexican restaurant? Yeah, there was probably some sneezers in our food that night.

I despise racist people, but what pisses me off more, are the covert racists. Someone mentioned the KKK hood in a previous post, that doesn't even bother me AS much because most of society discounts those people as idiots, bad people, etc and more often than not they are shunned, etc....more dangerous, in my opinion, are the covert racists who spread their messege of hate in societally accepted ways like when they talk about "the blacks" etc...where people may feel uncomfortable and upset, but no one knows exactly what to say or do because these people are "upstanding" and well, it isn't like they are burning crosses or anything...to me, that line of thinking is more dangerous because it is very clever, covert, seemingly "harmless"...but often, does the most harm, by perpetuating racism at its most subtle...as in, okay, you can move to our neighborhood but you will always be on the outside looking in...type mentality.

Anyway, that will NOT be accepted around my daughter. I called my FIL on it at dinner that night and I will call him on it again. Yes, this is America and you have the right to spout off any dumb ass opinion you want, but not when my daughter is at too much of an impressionable age to know you are being a bigoted idiot.

I think what you should of said (what you wrote) was the perfect thing to say and I would say it in a heartbeat.

[because]

Originally Posted by maya44

I think nothing makes an impression on a child like the parent discussing with them the flaws of another adult.

but... my aunt and uncle do this with their kids and the kids have no respect for anyone: teachers, coaches, family friends, probably us... I'm sure there's a right way and wrong way to do it but they are all I can think of when I hear this.

Originally Posted by maya44

As she ages, I'd discuss privately with her that you and dh think Grandpa's view are really, really wrong.

Of course! I'd rather not have to make Grandpa the example, YK? I wish he would behave so she could just love him and I could make some other person or character the example.

Originally Posted by peaceful herbivore

I despise racist people, but what pisses me off more, are the covert racists. Someone mentioned the KKK hood in a previous post, that doesn't even bother me AS much because most of society discounts those people as idiots, bad people, etc and more often than not they are shunned, etc....more dangerous, in my opinion, are the covert racists who spread their messege of hate in societally accepted ways like when they talk about "the blacks" etc...where people may feel uncomfortable and upset, but no one knows exactly what to say or do because these people are "upstanding" and well, it isn't like they are burning crosses or anything...to me, that line of thinking is more dangerous because it is very clever, covert, seemingly "harmless"...but often, does the most harm, by perpetuating racism at its most subtle...as in, okay, you can move to our neighborhood but you will always be on the outside looking in...type mentality.

Anyway, that will NOT be accepted around my daughter. I called my FIL on it at dinner that night and I will call him on it again. Yes, this is America and you have the right to spout off any dumb ass opinion you want, but not when my daughter is at too much of an impressionable age to know you are being a bigoted idiot.

Thank you. This is very much how I feel. But ugh... the confrontation! It was fine when I let DH's uncle have it because we only see him once a year. We see FIL weekly and they are otherwise such good ILs.

Do you think you would ever keep DD away from him? Or just threaten it to see if it fixes the behavior? Or not threaten to keep her away but just consistently call him out on it?

Thanks so much for the responses, everyone! I'm interested to hear more.

[peaceful herbivore]

Okay, maybe be more gentle than I would. Maybe in private say something like, ya know so and so, we love you and DD loves you and we think you are a real swell guy, however, a few comments you have made have been a bit offensive to us...perhaps you don't mean them the way they came out, but we don't want DD learning it is okay to judge people based on the color of their skin, so could you please refrain from making those types of remarks around her?

If he goes mental on you, well it is kind of an admission that you are right. If he is at all reasonable, he will probably just shrug and be like, okay...even if inside he doesn't "know what the big deal is"

You don't have to get into a knock out drag down to state your piece. Be nice, but firm.

Good luck to you!

[maya44]

Originally Posted by because

but... my aunt and uncle do this with their kids and the kids have no respect for anyone: teachers, coaches, family friends, probably us... I'm sure there's a right way and wrong way to do it but they are all I can think of when I hear this.

Well I will tell you that I have raised my kids this way and m constantly told by teachers, coaches and family friends that my children ALWAYS act with UTMOST respect to them.

I am always being told how polite and respectful my children are.

I think its because I have taught my kids that they must ACT RESPECTFULLY torwards these people BUT it is important to note that I have also taught my kids they do not have to ACTUALLY FEEL RESPECT for them.

I have taught them that there are people who deserve respectful TREATMENT because of their positions (e.g. teachers) but they are free to FEEL any way they want to about them.

My kids understood this difference between how you TREAT people and how your FEEL about them from a very early age. I think too many people underestimate a child's ability to do this.

[lilylove]

What if you and your Dh bring it up as a 'being respectful' issue. Respecting your beliefs, and your parenting. If he won't be respectful to other ethnic groups, he can at least be respectful of how you are raising your Dd.


hey, where yo benn hiding?