I'm failing as a parent

[Rollermommy]

I'm at such a loss mama's. Dh and I have been ttc #4 for a year (with a loss last month) and now we are reconsidering everything due to what failures we feel like as parents. Our oldest will be 7 next week and he's absolutely out of control, disrespectful, mean and abusive to his brother and sister. For example last week we did some spring cleaning and had an entire truck-load full of trash (including 10 lbs of packing peanuts) waiting on the side of the house to be taken to the dump. He goes outside and breaks open all the bags...trash and packing peanuts all over our yard and our neighbors yard. So I tell him he made the mess and its his responsibility to clean it up. He spends ALL DAY pissed off and ends up making the mess worse. So the next morning after breakfast, I tell him he has to go back out to really clean it up this time, and he gets so mad he throws glass bottles at the house breaking glass all over our yard, in protest :
Ds #2 will be 6 in 2 weeks and acts like a 2 yr. old. He whines and cries constantly and refuses to do anything he's been asked to do.
Dd just turned 2 and screams incessantly, when she doesnt get her way--that includes when she wants to nurse 20 times a day (and night) and I just cant spend all my time nursing and frankly i'm burnout with how demanding and rough she is when we nurse. She refuses to sleep anywhere but inbetween dh and I and I'm sick of having sex while simultaneously nursing or comforting a toddler.
We really do want a big family, but we're so overwhelmed right now with feeling like we have totally screwed up our kids. I had them so young and until Ds#2 was about a yr. old, we followed the advice of our parents and dr.'s. That included spankings and CIO and pretty much being totally detatched authoritarians. Since that time AP has felt like it really fit who we are and the kind of parents we wanted to be, so that's what we did (despite all the crappy stuff our parents said ) We've done our best at times, not so good at others....I just dont know how we got to this place with the kids we love so much. Most days its draining to even be around them and I get to the point I just want to lock myself in the bathroom and hide.
I just cant feel good about bringing another child into our family like this. Somehow in all this trying i've created clingy, abnoxious, cant do a thing without me, little monsters. Dont get me wrong here, i'm just venting, they are wonderful people who are so smart and sweet sometimes. I love them with all my heart....that's why it perplexes me to no end as to why they act like this. Where have I screwed up? I feel like I've taken these perfectly wonderful little souls and totally screwed them up by being wishy washy and permissive at times and way to harsh other times.
Sorry, I know this is long...I just needed a place to get all this off my chest.
Thanks mama's for listening.

[Leatherette]

That sounds really tough, mama. I would wait to TTC until things chilled out a little. I would start with the oldest child and work my way down. If the oldest is out of control and abusive to the youngers, the youngers won't improve until they see better modeling and feel less fear.

It sounds too complex for me to go farther with it right now.



L.

[Kirsten]

Sympathy for your loss last month.

I agree that getting stuff smoothed out at home before ttc #4 is a good idea. Have you tried Love and Logic? I really like that a lot - there are six week classes at our local hospital (one night a week). My dh and I both took them and it helped a lot. There is also a book "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Jim Fay and Foster Cline.

You are not failing as a parent - kids can be tough! Take a deep breath, figure out a united front with your dh, be consistent, stay calm. Sometimes it is a rough phase of new development or independence for kids.

I was one of three - and chose to have three myself. Three is a great number! Maybe it is right for you - or maybe a bit down the road, more may work for your family. But I agree with you that finding a level road with your current family is a good idea before starting again with the adjustments a new baby can bring.

[famousmockngbrd]

Originally Posted by gaiamom

She refuses to sleep anywhere but inbetween dh and I and I'm sick of having sex while simultaneously nursing or comforting a toddler.

You're not *really* doing this, right?

I think you're doing the right thing by holding off TTC until things calm down. I'm very sorry to hear of your loss, however. I imagine you are probably feeling pretty down rght now and that can't be making things any easier. I wish I had some good advice for you.

Do you have any idea what is going on with your oldest? It sounds like he has some anger to deal with. Do you know why?

[Rollermommy]

Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd

You're not *really* doing this, right?

No it goes more like....sex, stop and nurse the baby back to sleep...sex, stop and snuggle the baby back to sleep...sex, stop and take the baby to the potty....until we get so fed up it's not even worth it.

And yes, Ds#1 has anger issues. We both believe this stems from a time in our marriage when dh was very verbally abusive to me. I got to the point where I had had enough and decided to divorce him. Long story short...he left and later we started dating and starting our relationship over. Since then, things have been so wonderful between us. We have a respectful and beautiful relationship now, but we still think Tristen lived with that for so long that completely disrespecting people is what he thinks is "normal". So we've been working for some time to try to counter that to no avail

And BTW, starting with him seems like a good idea. I've never thought of it that way. I'll check out the Love and Logic...I've heard of it but not sure what its all about.

[famousmockngbrd]

to you, Erica. I wish I had more than just support to offer you. You sound like you're in a hard place right now. At least know we're all here for you whenever you need to vent.

[Persephone]

I don't think all hope is lost for your family yet. Did you guys get counseling when you were having marriage problems? And did you get counseling for your kids too? Cause I think that would really help things. Also, I'm reading the book Playful Parenting right now, cause of the glowing recommendations I got from this site, and it seems like it would be really useful in your situation.

[Red]

Woooo, you poor mama! A big hug for you and yours at your loss. How sad.

Ah, but the monsters? (No offense meant! I have had a few of my own!) Sounds like time for emergency management!

DS #1 sounds like he could use some help. I'd would absolutely sign up for some counseling with him. It's amazing what makes kids act out.

I'd also look closely at his diet. I'd put the whole family on a healthy diet for a few weeks and cut out all junk foods. I'd watch closely for improvements.

Then, I'd grab #1 and 2 and give them a talk. I'd explain that things weren't going as I'd like, we weren't as happy as we could be, and we were making some changes. Change #1, everyone gets (-----?an hour of tv?time on the trampoline?a chance to play with the Legos in Mum's room? whatever works for your kids) every day. BUT, you have to behave! Make sure they'll really want this reward. Having the same reward for bnoth children will give your older son a chance ot see the younger earn the reward, even if he doesn't.

Then, grab some poker chips or a cool star chart or some other visible reinforcement. FOr the first week, keep it simple. Pput only one or two things on the chart, maybe no throwing things or hurting people for your older son and no whining, and they both have to do a small chore a day. If they start to lose it, whine or yell, give them two warnings, be clear about it in advance. Only two, then you lose your chance to get the star or chip.

Besides getting the legos, or tv time, let them save the chips for something, a trip to the playground with dad, or something you guys like to do. Make it possible for them to succeed! In fact, make it easy the first few weeks.

Every week, add something, making your own bed gets you an extra star, haivng a tantrum still costs you your tv time. Be firm, consistent, dependable. NEVER vary!

You don't have to do it this way, of course, the whole thing is about letting your kids know in advance hthat nasty behavior makes THEIR day lousy.

Now, while things are feeling a bit better, take your brood to the library. Check out tons of childrearing books. Personally, I think nearly any 'plan' will work for a few weeks, then, often, my own kids had outgrown the behavior that was making me nuts. I'm not saying you should just pick any one! FInd one that feels right to you.

Your oldest has seen a lot of changes in his short life. Be patient! It takes time to help a child recover from stress and to learn a new way to relate to others. It may be that he neds more than you can do for him yourself, so really, get help. Some towns have great parenting classes. (Others suck!)

When your 6yo 'refuses' to do what he's told, what happens? Does he lose a priveldge? What happened to your son when he broke all that glass? Who cleaned up the trash? I'd institute consequences, #1 would still be needing to get that trash picked up, and would be IN HIS ROOM, without anything fun, till he did. No tv in his room I hope.

I wouldn't try for another just now. Too much on your plate as it is. Give yourself some time. Having kids who are exhibiting monsterous behaviors, monsters, doesn't make you a bad parent. Not caring makes you a bad parent.

Keep trying! Spend some time alone with your oldest two.

Hmm, and it's none of my business, but have you considered that the , umm, noises and motions involved in sex are probably disturbing your daughters sleep? Try another room, any other room.