Let's talk about 5 year spacing of kids

[BensMom]

My original "plan" (ha!) was to space my children 3-4 years apart. But when DS was 2-3 yrs old, he was so high needs, I could not imagine having another or being pregnant. Shortly after he turned 3, he calmed down a bit and I started thinking about ttc. Once we finally decided to go for it, it took 9 months to get it right (DS was conceived on the first try, so this was a shocker).

So now we are looking at almost 5 year spacing. I feel like I am really in a minority since most people go with the 2-3 year spacing, with 3 even being on the longish side.

Can anyone share how it was to have a 4.5-5 year spacing between children? How did the older child adapt to the baby's presence? And once the baby got a little older, do they play together at all? Part of me is worried that I waited too long to give DS a playmate, since they will be so far apart.

Thanks!

[coleslaw]

: Would love to hear about this too!

[charmander]

My children are almost exactly 5 years apart. I love it. Because my DS was 5 when my DD was born, he was a big help to me. He could bring me a blanket, a binkie, etc. when I needed one & also he could understand why we had to spend so much time taking care of the baby, and why I was so tired all the time. There was no jealousy - my husband really picked up the slack and spent a lot of time with DS to make him feel like got a lot of attention. DS is very sweet to his sister, and while at first, we had to make sure he wasn't too rough with her, he has turned out to be a very protective, watchful brother. If I am in the other room, and she is getting into something she shouldn't, etc. he will tell us or or go get her away from whatever it is. Works out great!

One of the things I liked most about the spacing was that I got to experience the whole baby thing anew. I think I would have been overwhelmed had I had 2 kids in diapers. The fact that they were so developmentally far apart meant that I could really enjoy both stages of their development.

Right now, DD is 17 months of age and she ADORES her sibling. She loves to be around him, and I wouldn't it trade for anything. DS also had some high-needs type issues - is diagnosed with SID, with possible ADD. I am so glad I waited, because now, at age 6, he is so much easier to deal with. And we can discuss things on a intellectual level - which would have been impossible at age 3.

In fact, I like this spacing so much that I would so love to have a new baby when DD turns 5. (Unfortunatley, isn't gonna happen - DH got a vasectomy)

Good luck!

[Gidget]

Eddie is 7 1/2 years older than April and it was great. I had a hard time adjusting to motherhood with Eddie(and he was one of the easiest babies you can find,toddlerhoood sucked). So, when he was 5 I was finally ready to do it again. And we started ttc. It took 15 months and 2 losses. He was thrilled. He had been bugging me for a sibling since he was 3. He's a big help with his brother and sister. They find him highly entertaining. I just have to be sure that I dont rely to heavily on him. He is still a kid.

[Nature]

My two children are 5 years apart and its working out great so far. It wasn't what I intended, but its what happened. I had a m/c when my oldest was 18 months, and then didn't get pregnant again until she was 4 1/2! Then I had another m/c when my youngest was 18 months, and haven't gotten pregant again yet. It seems I have a every other one pattern.

My oldest is very helpful with the baby, though it did take her a period of adjustment to get over not being the "baby" anymore. And she still calls herself, "Mama's big baby!" :LOL Right now she is 6 1/2 and my youngest is 20 months.

Their bond is so much stronger than I ever thought it would be. Its simply incredible to watch. And they DO play together! Granted sometimes she likes to aggravate the younger one because she thinks its funny to hear her get mad and scream, but they really do get along I'd say 98% of the time. There isn't that bickering over things, yet anyway. And they do enjoy each others company. My oldest sometimes picks playing with her sister over playing with the neighborhood kids! (they aren't so great anyway. LOL) And she is very protective too. I actually have to make sure I tell her, "I'm the mama remember?" and give her a little wink, because she gets so riled up when others come in the house and want to touch the baby, or talk to her. "No, she doesn't like it when you do that. Hold her this way." "No, she wants me now" They just love each other so much. In fact, "Sissy" was her first word!

Now, co-sleeping together is another story. All dd (6) likes to do is and wake up the younger one! :

You're right though, it does seem that I'm in the minority as far as spacing goes. I always wanted to have "2 under 2" but it seems that just isn't the plan! And really, thing are very nice with an older child who not only can help out a little bit, but BEGS to help out! Thats such a nice feeling! Bathtime is awesome with two girls, because they are in the tub together having fun and my youngest one is able to play with her without screaming and freaking out about the water. (she's not a water baby at ALL) And my oldest gets the toys and bubbles that she *feels* she's too old for, but secretly still wants! LOL

I'm interested in hearing from others with a 5 year spacing!

[LovemyBoo]

My two are also almost exactly 5 years apart. I love it. This arrangement fits my personality as I don't think I would do as well with 2 babies.

Ds really loves his sister and is very good to her. He understood that, when she was tiny, she couldn't wait for anything and had to have her needs met right away. He's capable of getting his own snacks and drinks. He had outside friends and interests and didn't depend solely on me for entertainment. We don't homeschool so dd had me all to herself for 7 hours a day once ds started kindergarten.

Nowadays my dd positively worships my ds and he loves it. He is very good with little children in general. He entertains her very well and it is very helpful to me, especially in the evening when I'm trying to cook dinner.

The downsides are going out as a family, esp. to amusement parks or fairs. They have completely different abilities and she cannot do much of what he can do and he is quickly bored by the things she likes to do, so we often end up splitting up. It will be years before we can have really fun family game nights where neither of them is bored. For me the positives far outweighed the negatives.

As far as playing together, I think that sibling closeness depends more on personality and how they are raised than age. Ds loves to play with dd, but that's his personality. He's always loved little children, even before she was born. Plus he really wanted a sister and I think it helps that he got what he wanted. My mother still has strained relationships with my aunt and uncle to this day b/c my grandparents raised them to dislike each other. Unintentionally I'm sure but the effects are there to this day. So how close your children will be when they are older or even as adults has little to do with age, imho. With the exception of very large gaps of 10 years or more, even then siblings can still be very close - just with a different dynamic that changes as the younger one gets older.

Anyway, , the age gap worked well for us. I wanted each child to get to be the baby exclusively and that's what we got. I wouldn't do it any other way.

[sphinx]

Mine are almost exactly 5 years apart and I too am enjoying it very much. Ds is only 5 months though, so I don't know about them playing together. DD is very loving and usually gentle to him and has been requesting more small siblings. As others have mentioned, I wanted them each to have exclusive "baby time" with me, and I wouldn't have fared well with 2 in diapers. My dd has been quite jealous, though she loves him a lot, so it's clear she needs double attention these days.

[poppyqwn]

I have a both sides of the coin thing. Ds1 and Ds2 are 5.5 years apart. Ds2 and Ds3 are 13 months apart. I really really like the spacing between my first two. It was so much easier when I was pregnant and after Noah was born. I am still a bit overwhelmed right now with the littlest two so I am not a good judge of that age gap yet! :LOL Paul was able to make simple snacks for himself, get dressed, and play without alot of my help. He was really "into" the pregnancy and still is into taking care of both of his brothers. We did have some minor adjustment issues, but they were very minor. Noah was/is very high needs with SID. So our issues were time and sleep problems. I would say it has worked well for us! Good luck!

[UnschoolnMa]

I can't speak to the issue regarding my own kids because they are 2.5 years apart. However, my brother and I are almost exactly 5 years apart. Despite a divorce seperating us we have been great with each other. When we were young he was very protective of me, and as we got older we had enough in common to really talk but not step on each others toes alot... if that makes any sense?

[peaceful herbivore]

I wanted to weigh in too on the adult side. My sister and I are 4 years apart and other than the struggling teen years where she was too cool and older and sophisticated to be around me *sigh* we were very close as children and now as women, she is my best friend!

My husband is 5 years older than his sister and other than there being the biological/social gender differences and considerations, they are really close as adults too. It is so cute watching his home movies and seeing how cute and nice he was to his little sisters (the other is 7 years younger)...again, things were dicey during the teen years because the difference between say, 12 and 17 (to them) is like NIGHT AND DAY...but isn't everything a bit dicey during the teen years anyway? lol

I think it will be fine really! Take care!

[guerrillamama]

My sister is 5 years older, and I have always thought it was perfect. I think we have an unusually close relationship, and I really don't know why that it is or if it has anything to do with spacing, but... whatever, 5 years has always seemed just right to me, and that's my plan.

Seems like some of the benefits for the mama are:
- when I came along my sister was just starting school, so she had her own life to a small extent, so maybe her world wasn't as disturbed by the new arrival
- she was able to entertain herself a lot
- she was able to entertain me a lot, and she did!

We played together all the time. This is partly b/c she was always very shy, so she didn't have a lot of friends her own age. She still spends a lot of time w/ people younger than her (including her current boyfriend). And I have always had older friends. So I think that shaped us, but it's neither good nor bad. Anyway, we always played together, and I pretty much did what she said. Like she would be the witch and I would be the princess and she'd cook me alive, that kind of thing. :LOL She was always on the morbid side.

A lot of our play consisted of her was always there teaching me to do stuff. She practically taught me to read, for example. We are both voracious readers and up until I was about 12, I think it's safe to say that every book I read was recommended by her. She admits she was trying to shape me in her image! :LOL She failed miserably -- to the outside observer we are totally different types. But inside we are so much alike. Nobody understands me like she does. She is truly one of my very best friends.

So people might give you a hard time about it, so what? It'll be great!

[Dreamer]

Just wanted to hop in and comment on this topic...

While I have been wanting to ttc #2 since #1 was about 2, we thought it was best (financially) to only have to pay for childcare for one at a time...DS just turned 4 in January, and we're going to ttc in Aug for a June 06 baby (God willing!) so, they will be right at 5-6years apart...

I think it will be great because my own brother & I were 6 years apart...I can not express how wonderful that age gap was (for us) growing up...We never once fought (literally, not ever). We both had our own toys, our own rooms, our own friends, etc. There *wasn't anything* to fight about!

I've thought about this before, and came to the conclusion that I think that my brother & I are so close *now* because we had our own 'space' as children. There was never a fight for attention from our parents...we didn't have to 'compete' against each other...we didn't build up this huge resentment that I see in so many adult sibling relationships so our relationship has only grown over the years...

I have to say that my relationship with my brother is probably one of the strongest relationships I can think of (besides dh & ds)...We still live very close to each other...and, we still stay out of each other's business, but we know that we're available for help if either of us are in need...

I hope my kiddos have that when they're grown...

Alayna

[guerrillamama]

Dreamer, that's a really good point about not having to compete. But give your parents credit for that too! My mom is 8 yrs younger than her sister and she always had to compete... and she always lost. She says that she always felt like an outsider in her own family, like 3 was company and 4 was a crowd. She still carries that pain around. Because of that, she was extra extra careful to make sure that my sister and I were treated equally. I mean, she was kind of obsessive about it. And now that I think about it, that probably helped a lot in our relationship. I viewed my sister as another source of love and support and stability, almost like another parent, instead of as a rival.

[A&A]

My kids are 2 and 7..........and they play together all of the time! (The 2 year-old is still having a hard time with the concept of "sharing," though, and that sometimes frustrates the 7 yo.)

I did NOT expect that sibling rivalry would still be an issue 5 years apart, but sometimes it is.

The 7 yo. reads to the 2 yo., and the 2 yo. looks up to the 7 yo.
The spacing works really well for our family.

[Gidget]

Originally Posted by Dreamer

we thought it was best (financially) to only have to pay for childcare for one at a time...

I couldn't agree more. I was able to pay for one kid in childcare, but now that I have two within 2 years, it is hard. I want to get a part time job to help supplement our income but it isnt worth it since all my money would go to the sitter anyway. Dd is almost 3 and will be going to preschool next year if she is diagnosed with autism, but I am not counting on that nor do I want to in ordre to work. Maybe it is a sign that I need to be home with the babies for now.

[Nature]

Originally Posted by A&A

My kids are 2 and 7..........and they play together all of the time! (The 2 year-old is still having a hard time with the concept of "sharing," though, and that sometimes frustrates the 7 yo.).

Same here! :LOL

[~ATenthMuse~]

Ds & 2 yr old dd are almost 7 years apart. I was worried at first about "starting all over again" but shouldn't have been. Ds is a great help with dd. He's a very ggod friend to her now and has always been very protective. She acts like he's her hero. No one is better in her eyes! Some days she takes advantage of his graciousness but overall they're good together. If we have another I would want it to be in the next 2 years, say by the time dd is 5. That is still under consideration at the moment.

[wednesday]

It blows my mind that *anybody* has kids as close as 2 years together, on purpose. DS is 18 months and I don't think he's especially high-needs or anything like that but there is just no way I could handle pregnancy and a newborn on top of his active toddler self. We are planning a minimum of 4 years in between children.

As a PP mentioned, unless we can figure out a way for me to stay home we really couldn't afford the daycare bill for another child anyway. If I do quit working eventually...I would like for DS to be going to preschool or kindergarten so I can have 1-on-1 time with the new baby.

[greenmama]

We're not having another, but I agree that five years would be the perfect spacing for me. My husband has two grown children so we new from the beginning that we were only going to have one. That said, when my dd was 2 and I saw women having their seconds I kept thinking that someone was not going to be getting needs met because keeping Alesandra's need me took all my time still, and she is a pretty easy child. When she was four I felt like ok, I could get pregnant now (except we had a vasectomy). But we are getting a grandbaby this summer so I'm excited that dd will have a baby around and will get to attend a homebirth. seems like the best of both worlds she gets to be with a baby and the baby and she each have their own mama's.

[UUMom]

Spacing is totally personal! Families should do what is right for them. There is no one right way. I have kids 5 yrs apart, 10 yrs apart, and 16 months apart. It's all been good for dh and me.

Families should decide spacing on their own personal needs (although sometimes the fates intervene, i suppose) . There is no wrong way to have a family!