I failed my baby and I can't get over it

[laprettygurl]

I feel so bad.
I stopped b/fing at 2 1/2 weeks because my baby started rejecting my breast. she would scream and arch her back away from me and not let up. I went to see a LC, ladies at the LLL and NO ONE could help me. They didn't know what it was. *sigh* I switched her to a bottle because no one could help. She took the artifical nipple just fine. I don't understand. I tried to latch her on once and awhile after that and same thing. The "freak out" happened again.

Anybody have any ideas? She's 7 months old and this still bothers me.

[carrietorgc]

before you stopped nursing, had you given her a bottle or pacifier? could have caused nipple confusion.

what about overactive letdown - when she started to nurse did she have a hard time swallowing/gasping for air? that causes babies to swallow alot of air and get tummy aches - can be alleviated by nursing wiht gravity working against you - ie baby propped above mom's breast so the milk doesn't flow as fast.

did your milk come in well? baby gain well those first two weeks?

it's good you are asking now so that you can really be ready when #2 comes along!

[laprettygurl]

Carrie~She gained fine! I fed her whatever bm I could pump out with a little cup that she would slurp the bm out of. I had to pump a lot because I couldn't get much and the more I pumped the less I would get. I rarely leaked. Perhaps I didn't make enough milk?
She had no bottles or pacifiers.
She was aggressively suctioned which might be it or at about 1 1/2-2 weeks pp I got a horrible infection in two tears that should have been stitched! I was in such pain. I wonder if that would be it too.

I had just assumed that I would have this great bfing relationship for as long as she wanted. I just assumed we would know how to make it work.

[annettemarie]

Not knowing all the intricate details, I don't have a whole lot for you but hugs and encouragement- if you have another baby, you can attack this problem before it even starts. I will say that "not making enough milk" is a very very rare occurence. Nursing strikes are hard to deal with, especially with babies so tiny. I think you need to give yourself permission to grieve and move on, Mama, although I know it's easier said than done.

ETA: I forgot to say what so many mamas here have said. You did NOT fail your daughter.

[LovinMyKids]

Don't feel like a failure. You sought out the help, and no one seemed to be able to help you. With my first son I was 20 and very uneducated on BFing. He didnt latch on and that was that. I switched him to formula after pumping for 4 weeks. With my 2nd son, I talked to a LC and called LLL because I was having problems. They did not help. In fact the LLL leader sent me a pamphlet. That's it. I was so disappointed. I had heard all these wonderful things about them and they were no help.

I did get another chance with my DD, though. I refused to give up! Even after a rough start, we got through it all. It took a good 10 weeks for her to really get the hang of it, but we made it through, and now at 10 months and basically exclusively BF'ed, she is 24 pounds! Whoo Hoo! I guess we are doing something right!!!

[sphinx]

Those sound like the symptoms of an allergy, maybe to your drinking cow's milk or something? I'm so sorry that happened, but please don't feel like you failed at mothering! Enjoy your daughter and love her and you have many more years of success ahead of you! Have you thought about trying to relactate, now? You could most likely do it, if she wants to.

[Ruthla]

You didn't fail your daughter. You were failed by the LC and the particular LLL Leader you went to. If they'd never personally dealt with that situation before, there are plenty of resources available (online and otherwise) for lactation professionals when encountered with a new situation, and they should have supported and encouraged you to continue pumping and cup-feeding while they did this research. You did what you were supposed to do- you got breastmilk into her whatever way you could and you asked for help in learning how to breastfeed!!!

If she was gaining fine, then you had plenty of milk!! How often were you pumping, and how much were you able to pump at each session? What kind of breastpump were you using?

It's quite normal to pump about 1 or 2oz in the early weeks (since that's all most newborns need at one feeding) and it's not unusual to need to pump 12X a day (or more) since that's how often most newborns usually nurse. It's also common for pumping volumes to vary over the course of the day- higher amounts in the morning, lower amounts later in the day, with some pumping sessions higher or lower than the "expected pattern." Leaking isn't an accurate measure of milk supply either- some women leak the whole time they're nursing, some leak for a few weeks while getting bf established, and others never leak at all yet still have plenty of milk.

[velcromom]

Mama, you did all you knew how, you tried everything you could think of... you did the very best you could at that moment in time and that is nothing to be ashamed of. I know it's hard to forgive yourself when there are things you look back on and regret... I have some of those things too...

[carrietorgc]

did your dd ever have any issues latching? So she nursed great for 2 wks, then nursing strike, you pumped/cup fed, etc?

MANY women have plenty of milk for their babies but just cannot produce milk for a pump. it is much more common than you think.

as to the nursing strike, I second the suggestion above that it could have been signs of a milk allergy.

www.kellymom.com has great info on elimination diets - i'll post a link to it when i get a chance.

[Andrea0408]

oh, Mama...I have been there. TWICE. I didnt have the knowledge, the resources, or the support circle that I have now. Its SO incredibly hard to mourn the loss of nursing...I KNOW!! Even now, with a ten month old baby girl who nurses CONSTANTLY, and almost exclusively, lol, it still hurts to think that I missed out on this amazing experience with my older two. I dont have any advice, I guess, just hugs and support. I know EXACTLY how you feel!! It just takes time to sort out your feelings of loss and failure. I, too, was failed by medical professionals and a LC (didnt even know what LLL was!!) and it pains me to think about the advice I was given. I weaned my dd at 8 days old. I was told I couldnt nurse because of scar tissue, and took it as gospel.

many many hugs and lots of support heading your way.

[MommytoTwo]

My DD did that when I had overactive let-down. She just now (at 6 months) has started dealing with it better (or maybe it slowed down but I dont think so).

Not all LC's are created equal - I learned that the hard way. Clearly you needed support and help and the people around you didnt give it to you. Be gentle with yourself.

[rainbowmoon]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. you did not fail your baby. it's taken me a long time to accept that as truth and it's a long road. my milk compleltey dried up at 4.5 months PP (in part due to pancreatitis & other issues I think) so I know how you feel, I really do. I NEVER thought I'd be a ff mom! NEVER in my wildest dreams!

btw have you heard of the MOBI list at yahoogroups btw? it may help you with the emotional side of this loss, it helped (and helps) me deal with it alot better.

lot's of great advice here btw

[sarahwebb]

Big Hugs to you,

I second the recommendation for MOBI (mothers overcoming breastfeeding difficulties) and there is a sister group called breastfeeding grief. Both groups are hosted by yahoo.com

Sarah