A little lactivist hurt my feelings today (VENT)

[pfamilygal]

Let me start be explaining that I bf my ds for 2 yrs and bf my dd for 10 months (my milk dried way up when I got pg with dd#2), so I have bf in the past. Abby was in the NICU at birth and was tube fed for the first few days. I pumped and it was given via tube. When we tried to get her to latch it was a nightmare. She has severe reflux and would spew up all the milk while she was still at the breast. The LC worked with us and we still couldn't get it going. So I pumped. For 3 months, every feeding was EBM. When I had to go back to work I wasn't able to pump as frequently (I'm a nurse, was working ER). My milk supply slowly diminished - even with all the herbs and everything. So we ff. Not by design, but by necessity. And Abby is thriving. Healthy, gaining weight and extremely happy.

So, today I'm at the playland at the mall. And I'm feeding Abby her bottle. She's all snuggled down in her little gauze wrap, cooing and smiling when a little boy comes over. He was probably around 4 or so. He looks at her and says, "why are you feeding her a bottle? Don't you love her? If you loved her you'd breastfeed. My mommy gives us breastmilk because she loves us and that's what God made boobies for. You must not be a good mommy." (I kid you not!)

His mom, who was nursing her baby on the other bench, yells over, "leave her alone, Chris, some people just don't know any better." As he walks over, she smiles at him and tells him that he did a "good job" telling me about breastfeeding.

I wanted to cry. How is that okay for a child to say? I mean, being lactivist is one thing, but going out of your way to hurt others? Breastfeeding is great, and I'm all for it. I'll be breastfeeding our next child. I've even been pumping again, now that I'm home, trying to regain my milk supply. But I would rather have a kind child who was ff than a rude one who nursed forever.

Okay, I'm done venting. I just read posts on here sometimes about how proud people are of their kids for advocating bf. Just know there's another side to the story.

[guerrillamama]

Originally Posted by pfamilygal

I would rather have a kind child who was ff than a rude one who nursed forever.

Say that again!

Unbelievably rude and mean. I would've gone off on them.

What kind of person teaches their children that moms who FF don't love their babies???? Ugh yuck. :

[Wabi Sabi]

Wow. I'm speechless.

I don't really know what to say, but I didn't want to just read this without saying something...

(((hugs, mama.)))

[thismama]

Yeah, that's terrible. I wish some people in the pro-bf movement worked harder on creating a breastfeeding friendly culture, and spent less energy targeting individual mothers without knowing their situation.

Sorry mama.

[kirei]

That is so wrong! I'm so sorry that happened to you! I'm disgusted.

Man, if I were you, I would have wanted to throw that bottle of formula at that woman's head.

[BethHG]

I ff my babies (look at breast is best), and if a child came over to me and said that, I would have gone over to the mother and say something I probably wouldn't be proud of later. You know the phrase "when you assume..."

[EviesMom]

I think I'd be too shy to actually do this, but I would wish I had...

gone over to the other bench, and said, "excuse me, but your son asked me a question and I'd like to have a chance to answer it. He asked why I don't breastfeed my daughter." and then tell them just what you said here. I bet they'd both feel pretty badly about his comments then. Then tell them both that you would appreciate a full apology. Maybe the boy and his mother would learn something... like a little smidge of politeness perhaps.

[Wabi Sabi]

Originally Posted by EviesMom

gone over to the other bench, and said, "excuse me, but your son asked me a question and I'd like to have a chance to answer it. He asked why I don't breastfeed my daughter." and then tell them just what you said here, that you breastfed your other children, but this one has a condition that makes it necessary to bottle feed her. I bet they'd both feel pretty badly about his comments then. Then tell them both that you would appreciate a full apology. Maybe the boy and his mother would learn something... like a little smidge of politeness perhaps.

Good idea. I don't think that you OWE anyone an explaination, but maybe if someone politely pointed out that things aren't always what they seem at first glance this woman wouldn't be so quick to make snap judgements in the future.

[corysmilk]

what a hard decision it must of been to but your dd on formula! especially after nursing your other children!
I am one of the ppl who think like that little boy :
I am ashamed, but I have never said anything like that. I usally ask if they had problems. I sure did with my first(pumped for 3 months) just to let you know I am opening up my mind. I do know many mothers make the best decisions for their families.
I hope you understand, that these posts are the one that are opening up my mind, to change my narrow veiw and expand it.

[guerrillamama]

Katie -- Maybe you're right. But I have seen some women here say "there is NO excuse for not BFing!" And then when someone points out a situation like OP's -- or any number of other reasons why someone might not BF -- they say "oh ok but that's different." And then later I see them again saying "there is NO excuse for not BFing!"

There was a thread recently on advocacy vs. zealotry. IMO you just can't reason w/ a zealot.

[guerrillamama]

Corymilk, we x-posted, and I appreciate your honesty. It's cool that your views are changing, I guess I'm too cynical. :

[EviesMom]

The other odd thing about this kid's comments...

What if you weren't her mother? What if you were an aunt? babysitter? nanny? What if it were ebm? I hear people say that they can "tell," but can a 4 year old? For certain? I can say that I would be pretty upset if my child said that to someone when she's older.

Ugh. Anyway, I'm sorry it happened to you!

[~Megan~]

You know I would have lied and told her some outrageous story that she couldn't refute like, "I had a double masectomy and I'm feeding my child donated breastmilk, how dare you judge me!"

[pfamilygal]

Originally Posted by EviesMom

What if it were ebm? I hear people say that they can "tell,"

Thanks for the support y'all. And yeah, I have a sister that pumped exclusively for all 3 boys. I know she was self-conscious about it. And even when I was pumping we had to mix cereal in the EBM in order to reduce the reflux. So it never *looked* like breast milk. Oh well.

Yeah, I should have taken the opportunity to educate the mom, but I'm not sure I could have trusted myself not to smack her upside the head

[Ruthla]

Unbeleivable!!

I can assure you, none of my children would EVER say anything like that to a complete stranger!!!

They are taught that grown-ups make their own choices and deserve respect, even if their choices aren't "good choices." They also know that parents make choices for their children, and that plenty of times I choose something different than their friends' parents.

They know about the physical differences between breastmilk and formula, and I've taught them some of the reasons families use formula- that there are a few women who CAN'T breastfeed and many who choose not to, and if you see a baby with a bottle you have no way of knowing the situation. They've seen me breastfeed plenty of times so they know what breasts are for- and they also know what baby bottles are for.

[atomicmama]

shame on that kid's mom. I would not tolerate my children saying anything of the sort!
to you and your babes!

[chersolly]

What a little snot.

[ChristaN]

Originally Posted by amarasmom

You know I would have lied and told her some outrageous story that she couldn't refute like, "I had a double masectomy and I'm feeding my child donated breastmilk, how dare you judge me!"

:LOL Now that would have been funny!

It is a hard thing to teach children tolerance of something that you personally don't believe is "right," but I do think that we are doing our children, & everyone they come in contact with, a big disservice if we don't even try. As much as anything, that mom congratulating her child on being rude to you was a *really* bad parenting choice.

It hasn't even occured to me to teach my children that some moms are not able to bf probably b/c I hear all too many people say that they were not able to when they didn't even try and I don't want to encourage the myth that it is rare to have the ability to bf. However, your post does make a good point that there are some women who really are not able to & it is good to teach our children that there are exceptions to every rule. At the very least, I have had some conversations with my girls about people in glass houses not throwing stones, so to speak. None of us is perfect and I can't imagine teaching my kids that it is okay to judge other people.

[Gidget]

: OMG! I cannot beleive that anyone would teach thier child to be so self righteous and juedgemental. I'm sorry , but what a It is SHE who does not know better.

[pfamilygal]

I do have to confess that when we saw someone smoking at the mall the other day my 4 yr old said, very loudly, "Why is that man smoking? Does he want to die? Smoking is drugs! That's stupid!" I, of course, said, "You're right, smoking isn't good for you, but we don't say things that would hurt other people's feelings. That's not showing kindness."

Of couse, I do agree with Nate!